H geocities.com /cathyuk1967/mystory.html geocities.com/cathyuk1967/mystory.html delayed x spJ @ % OK text/html PA % b.H Wed, 29 Jan 2003 09:59:27 GMT Mozilla/4.5 (compatible; HTTrack 3.0x; Windows 98) en, * spJ %
I experienced my first panic attack at the age of around 18. I was in a hot nightclub and was overcome with a sense of total panic. I couldnt breathe and was sure i was going to faint or have a fit (i was diagnosed with epilepsy the previous year). Certain I was going to die i ran out and got a taxi home. The following week i went to work as usual and practically forgot about the episode, so i went to the same club again the next saturday quite happily. It wasnt long after I stepped in the club that I started to feel that same sense of dread. If id known then what I know now i would never of ran out of the club again, but stayed and faced the fear. The following Monday i went to the doctor totally bewildered as to what was happening to me and he prescribed Lorazepham without the doctor even expaining what it actually is. I felt much better after i started on the medication, they never called me in to discuss ther perscription, just kept writing me repeats and i didnt complain as was just glad that i didnt have them "funny turns" for awhile. Obviously it was all in the mind that the drug was stopping me from whatever i thought was wrong with me. I was pretty much ok for a couple of years, even getting my own flat, then working away at Butlins. I still had the odd panic attacks but none so bad that they stopped me going out, but without me realising i was starting to avoid places where i had felt ill before. A couple of years later i got married and quickly had two children, these were busy years and i didnt have much time to dwell on stuff, although I remember having a few rows with my husband about me not wanting to go to family and work functions. I divorced after 5 years and started to get very stressed out looking after two small children and worrying about money. At that time I thought my nerves werent too bad but looking back now i can remember small things like i would only do the school run in the morning and not the afternoon incase i felt panicky later in the day. Also I always left the back door unlocked incase id had a panic attack upstairs and couldnt get back down. After a year or so I met a man and fell totally head-over-heals in love. He made me feel so much better and i recall at that time how well i felt as he was picking me up early in the morning and spending the day together. I was so absorbed in him that Id forgot my problems. After a short while he asked me to move in with him, so we spent ages doing up his house and making plans. All my furniture was moved over there when a couple of days before i was due to move in he vanished, I was frantic and after a week he contacted me to say hed gone away to think and hed changed his mind. This totally devasted me and even now Im ashamed of the way i begged him to reconsider, but once again I was alone. In the following months the panic attacks took hold of me aggresively, I would even wake up in the morning in a tatal state of panic. Every waking moment i was in a state of complete anxiety and i was sure I was heading for a nervous breakdown. My family didnt understand at all and thought I was just upset over him, even though for years Id tried to explain my feelings to them. Friends didnt understand either and gradually dropped away, except for one, my best friend Julie who was a lifeline to me. I was sent to a therapist who gave me "deep breathing" lessons but by then I was too anxious to even take it in. Very quickly, almost over- night it seems now, I developed agriphobia. I think it started with avoiding the tough places and eventually it was a struggle even to go into the garden to hang the washing out. I wouldnt answer the door, even got anxious about family coming round and stopped answering the phone. Thats just the tip of the iceburg! The christmases I missed, the birthday parties, seeing my children in their school plays. Luckily although my family were impatient with me they helped me practically by getting shopping and helping out with the children. I would sit looking out the window for hours thinking "how can those people just walk down the street", little things because Id given up on the idea of going out socially, it was the small things that bothered me the most. It struck me how bad I was when my mum told me she hadnt taken a photo of me for two years and the children stared accepting that I was housebound and just stopped asking me to try and go anywhere. I saw my doctor and was offered cognitive theropy. A wonderful lady called Avril visited me once a week and when she came we would walk in the garden, building up to the gate, then each time a little further down the road. I started to regain my confidence just with these small steps. Awhile later I met my next patner and myself and the children moved in with him. I wont mention much about this, but its very relevant as I was terribly unhappy with him and that unhappiness gave me the strength to venture out abit further and to visit my family as i had to get away from him. In June 2002 I plucked up the courage to leave. It was very hard but the need to get away over-rode my fears. I know live in a flat with my children and Im very happy. I still suffer from anxiety, which seems to come in cycles. Sometimes I can go for a few weeks without an attack, but then have a few bad days. Im not totally over the agriphobia but I can go alot of places now, even super- markets as long as Im with a freind who has her car. Im also with a new partner and very much in love, he really is my soulmate and that helps alot because just knowing that he is mine makes me happy and in my experience depression can make you anxious. So thats my story, Ive never written it down before and reading it makes me feel sad thinking about all those wasted years in the house. But Im positive and looking forward to a brighter future. The only advice I can give through my own experience is to see a good doctor and dont be fobbed off with pills. Insist you see a good therapist, practise those breathing exercises (yes they do work), talk about your feelings, dont be ashamed and try not to avoid places and try to stay positive - sounds hard doesnt it? Well it is, because I know, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel if your determind to get there. |
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