The Thrill of the Merry Chase

The Gotham State Penitentiary was conveniently located near Gotham City. The cells and their occupants were supposedly locked down tight for the evening. We shall soon see, however, that even in prison, dark deeds are best done under the cover of night.

Well after midnight, a petite figure in a striped prison uniform reached through a barred door to touch a tall, statuesque blonde who lay within reach on the lower bunk. The blonde was awake and slid from beneath the covers as her rescuer unlocked the cell.

The blonde slid the cell door nearly closed, but did not let it lock. She took a key from her rescuer and moved to unlock another cell. The brunette inside was waiting expectantly.

“Ready, Eenie?” the blonde rescuer asked.

“Yes, Undine. Did Joker pick out an expendable victim?” Eenie asked, sliding her cell door almost shut without locking it.

While the women were friends, they were both members of a sinister sisterhood of elite assistants from which Gotham City’s underworld frequently recruited. Undine could frequently be found on the Joker’s arm and Eenie was one of the more perfidious hench-kittens in Catwoman’s pernicious pard of paid predators.

“Chickadee has the details,” Undine said, leading the way along the corridor. “Come on.”

The now-free henchwomen followed their ravishing rescuer to another cell. From inside, a Bronx-born beauty grinned at the petite prowler, who looked exactly like her! Their liberator opened the cell, stepped inside, and handed the key to the hourglass-figured hatcheck girl, who had gotten her start with the Penguin, and later worked for Egghead.

Somehow, Chickadee had acquired her skimpy, hatcheck-girl outfit, which featured white, lace frills at the sleeve cuffs; leg holes; and along the bustline. The scarlet uniform resembled a heart and showcased her shapely body to maximum advantage. Her lovely legs, prominently displayed in ash-gray nylons and spike-heeled shoes, punctuated the pretty picture. She closed the cell door, letting it lock as the imposter, her twin, silently stretched out on the cot, pulling the covers up to her chin. The woman in prison garb had not spoken a word while releasing the terrible trio.

“Whom should we grab?” Eenie asked as the terrific-looking trio huddled.

“Joker likes that young doctor who’s here for her residency in psychiatry,” Chickadee said. “I took steps to see she would be available for us tonight. Keep watch, Undine.” As the baleful blonde obeyed, Chickadee unlocked a cell in the solitary confinement section.

Lying on the bunk was the unconscious body of a woman in her mid-twenties, with high cheekbones and beautiful blonde hair. It was obvious she didn’t spend all her time studying, as she possessed a gymnast’s body.

“Come on, Eenie. Let’s get her.”

Chickadee took the unconscious doctor’s ankles and peered through the door while Eenie took the resident’s shoulders. When Undine motioned the brunettes forward, they emerged quietly and followed quickly. The luscious lookout ensured each new corridor they approached was deserted until they arrived at a secluded alcove just off the prison’s infamous Arch Criminal Wing. There, a pale, green-haired figure chuckled gleefully at the henchwomen’s appearance.

“Greetings, my lovelies!” he said. “Whom do we have here?”

“We selected that resident doctor as a surprise for you, Joker,” Undine said.

“Oh, that’s very sweet of you!” the Joker said, shaking with mirth at the revelation and somehow keeping himself from erupting into a cacophonic crescendo of unbridled glee that might easily have been heard by an unanticipated guard patrol. The last thing the Joker wanted at that moment was to give himself away.

Two identical, petite African-American women stood in the shadows of the alcove. One of the figures stepped forward. “I’m sure they’ve made the purr-fect choice, Joker. Could we please get on with it?” Catwoman asked.

“Savor the moment, Catwoman! My robots will enable us to get away according to our calculations, upon our terms, and at our convenience!” He paused to laugh quietly yet uproariously. “Just what are you bringing to our arrangement?”

Catwoman reached up to touch the Joker’s cheek and slide her fingers against it. “While your creations are covering our tracks, Joker, I will be participating in the experiment, because of my familiarity with the process.”

One of two matching, tall, bald, mustached figures approached and said, “Correct, Catwoman, and this egg-speriment would be impossible without the creative genius of the machine’s inventor.”

“Oh, I completely agree, Egghead,” the Joker concurred.

“Purr-haps we could get on with it?” Catwoman suggested again.

“Girls, put the doctor down and step well back,” Egghead ordered. Eenie and Chickadee obeyed.

“Now, Catwoman,” Egghead continued, “if you’ll please lie down beside the young lady, we’ll begin.”

“I’ll stand, thanks. Batgirl made me sleep on the floor of my cell for the greater part of the past year. I’m leaving to get comfortable, both physically and financially.”

“As you wish,” Egghead conceded. He continued with pride, “I am about to move Catwoman’s consciousness into this woman’s body using the most portable version of my Psychic Egg-change Machine yet. Are you ready, Catwoman?”

“Do it, Eggy.”

“Chickadee, I’m sure you’ll assist me.”

“Whatever you say, Eggy baby.”

Egghead let out an egg-sasperated sigh. “Remember, Chickadee, in front of the general public and my super-criminal colleagues, you are to call me Mr. Egghead.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “You may call me Eggy baby when we’re alone.”

“I’m never alone when I’m with you, Eggy baby.”

“Let us egg-spedite this procedure,” the Brilliant Blackguard suggested, ignoring the comment. The chrome-domed devil and his hot, little henchwoman waved a pair of wands in front of Catwoman and over the resident’s prone body, respectively. Catwoman’s body collapsed a moment later.

The Feline Fiend felt the familiar sensation of mind transfer, unaware that Egghead had caught her and lowered her gently to the floor. Egghead winked at Chickadee, who made a face at him as they completed the process, waving their wands in the opposite directions across the body upon which the other had worked.

“Eggy, the experiment went purr-fectly,” the relocated mind of Selina Kyle pronounced. The public face of the Catwoman’s personality featured a wide mouth and bright, blue eyes. “Thank you. Now, Eenie, go pack up Tara’s body.” As Eenie obeyed, she recalled Tara Kaat was still in Selina Kyle’s tall, blonde body. She would have to remember that Tara’s body now contained the consciousness of the doctor with the Brooklyn accent.

“What a wonderful invention, Egghead!” the Joker enthused. “Just exchange bodies with a guard and you can walk out of here a free man. It is so much simpler than my escape plan.”

“Simplicity is a well-known trait of brilliance, Joker. You are, of course, egg-sactly right. As soon as a suitable pair of guards come to investigate this unauthorized meeting, my plan will be hatched.” Egghead chuckled joyfully. “They usually send a male guard with a female backup. Would you please send your young lady to keep watch for them?” With a gesture the Joker sent Undine hurrying along the passage as a lookout. Egghead watched her go and grinned at his colleagues. “As soon as the patrol arrives, we can repeat the egg-speriment that will allow Chickadee and I to make good our egg-scape. Egg-citing isn’t it?”

“Indeed,” Joker agreed, grinning broadly and staring at Undine’s still-retreating figure.

“Let me get this straight,” Chickadee said. “We just put Catwoman’s mind in that doctor’s body and the doctor’s mind in Catwoman’s body.”

“Egg-sactly,” Egghead said, nodding and smiling at his scrumptious sycophant.

“For you and Egghead’s escape, the pair of guards for whom Undine is watching will be purr-fect,” Catwoman elaborated.

Chickadee was staring at Egghead with a frown on her pretty face. “Okay. I’m with you so far. Now, after we transfer into some guards’ bodies, we get out of jail when they leave later this morning. Right?”

“Precisely, Chickadee.”

“I don’t get it, though, Eggy,“ Chickadee complained. “How will our incarcerated counterparts get our real bodies back to us? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in some frumpy guard’s body!”

Egghead sighed again. He explained, patiently, “Catwoman, in the guise of a member of the medical staff, will be able to have our bodies shipped to the doctor’s apartment and her own to one of her Catlairs.”

“How is Eenie getting out?” Undine asked from her post. “She came in at the same time as Chickadee.”

The blonde woman recalled how she and Vixen, another member of Gotham City's henchwomen sorority, had evaded arrest at their "sister" Legs Parker’s wedding and begun to work for the Joker, only to be arrested after his second criminal Christmas crime spree.

“Mr. Jack O’Shea bought me a top flight legal team and they got me off on appeal.” Eenie answered, returning from her chore before one of the super-criminals could silence the leggy lookout. A smile illuminated the hench-kitten’s face. “The Warden is letting me out at first light.”

Chickadee looked surprised. “I thought only Vixen had influence with judges in this town.”

“Vixen didn’t blackmail the judge. She had her own legal defense dream team, courtesy of Lexcorp,” Eenie said. “They showed up for the initial trial. I suspect that when she and Undine were arrested, with her one phone call Vixen called Mr. Luthor instead of her lawyer.

Chickadee and Undine glanced respectively at the Joker and Egghead. Had they chosen to work for the wrong supervillains?

“I can see it’s good to have friends in high places,” Chickadee commented. “Wait a minute. Eggy and I will have the machine to change bodies with. How will Catwoman perform her switch?”

“Catwoman has her own version of my machine,” Egghead explained.

“Quiet!” Undine ordered, returning along the passage and lowering her voice. “The guards you want are coming.”

“Egg-cellent,” Egghead said. “Now, get out of sight, quickly.” He, the Joker, and the henchwomen melted into the shadows. The Joker issued some hushed orders and the robot Catwoman and Egghead grabbed Selina.

“Help!” Catwoman in the resident’s body cried.

“What’s going on here?!” the female guard demanded, shining a flashlight in the direction from which the cry had come.

“Catwoman and Egghead are attacking one of the doctors!” the male guard said. ”Come on!”

“Wait! We might need backup!” his partner said. She watched with trepidation as her partner moved toward the apparent attack.

“It’s two against two,” he objected, glancing over his shoulder. “We’re armed. They aren’t. Let’s clean this up.” The female guard shrugged and followed him.

“Robots!” the Joker ordered, “release your captive, seize the guards, and cover their mouths!”

The surprised guards thrashed helplessly in the super-strong robots’ grip as the laughing Joker and the others reappeared.

“These two will do egg-quisitely. Lie down Chickadee. We know from what happened to Catwoman that the body is unstable without its consciousness.”

“Who will perform the transfer?” Chickadee asked.

“Joker and Catwoman will attend to that chore. Catwoman has done this before and if she starts with you, Joker can watch one more time. There will be three of us who can answer any questions.”

“Undine and Eenie, pack their bodies once the transfer is complete,” Catwoman ordered.

Soon the demonic deeds were done and the bodies of Egghead and Chickadee, like Catwoman’s, were prepared for shipment.

“All right,” the Joker said, “My part of our little bargain is complete. Robots, return to your cells as programmed, lock yourselves in, and report to me later during free time in the prison yard.”

“We’ll see you on the outside, Joker. Good luck.” Catwoman said. “Eenie, who is picking you up?”

“Jack O’Shea. I’ll see you tonight, boss.”

“Good luck,” the Clown Prince of Crime replied, laughing. “Don’t worry. I’ll be joining all of you soon.”

“Egg-cellent, Joker. Chickadee and I should be going. We have rounds to make.” The Joker shook his super-criminal colleagues’ hands and the trio of apparent prison officials left the Mad Mountebank of Mockery and his beautiful beach babe.

“How will we get out, Joker?” Undine asked, clinging tightly to him. “Why didn’t we grab a couple of more guards and get out the same way as Egghead and Chickadee? It’s so boring in prison. A girl can’t really have any fun.”

“Oh, Undine, I have a much more humorous means of escape in mind! You’re forgetting my robots! It was really foresighted of me to have them programmed in advance to commit petty crimes and allow themselves to be captured. What a jest! The police delivered the means of our liberation right to our doorstep!” The Joker laughed as quietly as he could.

“It was a simple matter to alter their appearance once they arrived . . . and don’t forget, they are completely bulletproof and have the strength to crush a man’s bones as though they were . . . ha, ha, ha - eggshells.”

“How does that help us?”

“You’ll see, my dear. I have a few surprises up my sleeve. Until later.”

“Wait!” Undine commanded, drawing her body even closer to her old boss and kissed him hard. “Until later,” she repeated impishly.

“I can’t wait,” the Joker admitted. He kissed her hard and felt her respond again. They continued their passionate embrace for a long, lingering moment, before releasing one another and returning to their cells.

Meanwhile, the others met beyond the last security gate. “Eggy, your plan is working purr-fectly.”

“Thank you, Catwoman. We’d better get moving. Before we leave, we have to punch out.”

“That’s right,” Chickadee said. “I forgot these wage slaves are on the clock.”

“Good luck, you two. We shouldn’t all leave at exactly the same time, anyway.”

“Egg-cellent suggestion, Catwoman. Goodbye.”

Once the Feline Felon had gone, Chickadee turned to her boss. “Alone, at last,” Chickadee said with a sigh. The two “guards” clocked out and made their way outside.

Egghead looked around. “We punched out a little early. The parking lot will be swarming with people in a matter of minutes.”

“What are we going to do?”

“We’ll start with well-earned omelets at Pamela’s Café, where I’ll egg-splain my immediate plans for us in detail. Then, we’ll retire to the good doctor’s apartment and await the delivery of our bodies. Once the egg-change is reversed, we’ll lay low in an elevated nest I plan to procure, while my fertile brain concocts a scheme to confound the Dynamic Duo and their egg-scruciating ilk.”

“What will we do for money while your beautiful brain is working overtime concocting a crime?”

“While I managed the breakfast shift in the prison cafeteria, I egg-stracted a significant sum from the budget and diverted it to my private account. With that nest egg and what our hosts will unavoidably contribute toward our egg-spenses, I’m sure I can satisfy your egg-spensive tastes while I hatch my egg-squisite plans.”

“Sounds cozy,” Chickadee remarked. Her eyes sparkled as she turned to him. “Eggy, if we have some time to kill today, why don’t we road test these bodies? They’re really not half bad.”

“Chickadee,” Egghead said, ”you are as wicked as you are beautiful.”

“I thought that was why you liked me, Eggy baby.”

Egghead smiled. “Let’s go get that breakfast. The egg-cersise you propose will require energy.”

Chickadee grinned at him. They found their way to the guards' cars. Egghead led the way from the prison parking lot to freedom.

Eenie had already been gone for hours when Joker and Undine met on the way to the exercise yard. A metal fence separated them.

“Ready to go, dear?” the Clown Prince of Crime asked.

“Whenever you are, big boy.”

“Good. Good. You distract the guards, while I fetch the car,” he said with a laugh.

“See you soon.” Undine hurried into the sunshine and began to peel away her prison stripes. Underneath she was “dressed” in the white two-piece swimsuit she customarily wore, which fitted her fabulous figure flawlessly. Her hips and waist filled out the briefs beautifully, while her breasts swelled against the bikini top to make it look like an inverted heart with the tip bitten off so her neck could emerge.

“Hey!” a female guard called, stepping toward her.

“What?” she demanded acidly. “You know I’m a sun-worshiper and you can’t deny my religious freedom. Also, my doctor says I need the Vitamin D. I don’t want to get rickets! Besides, I’m decent.” Her last point was debatable, but it was true she had on a swimsuit.

Overwhelmed by the barrage of arguments, the guard relented. “Go ahead,” she said, gesturing Undine toward the lawn chair upon which the con obviously planned to sunbathe.

“Well done, Undine,” the Joker complimented her in absentia with a delighted laugh. The commotion his comely henchwoman’s transformation had caused captured the attention of most of the people on the male side of the yard. He knew his amorous assistant would hold their attention until well after it would be too late to stop the events Undine’s entrance had inaugurated.

The Joker made his way to the motor pool garage. He was almost sorry to have to perform the next part of his plan. Almost.

“All right, my funny fellow felons,” he said to the inmate mechanics. “Is my car ready?”

“It’s right here, Joker.” The chief mechanic walked into a far, dark corner and whipped a tarpaulin off a vehicle.

With undisguised glee the Joker stepped up to his Jokermobile and slid behind the wheel. Everything seemed to be in order. A questioning look prompted his head mechanic to reveal an array of hidden, labeled controls. The Joker glanced over the new features his personal transport now sported and jubilantly laughed. “Oh, yes! This will do nicely. Thank you.”

“No problem, Joker,” the mechanic said, exuding pride. “We managed to secretly install all of the extra goodies you asked for. Try them out. We aim to please.”

“Oh, I intend to, believe me!” the Joker said. “By the way, let me show you gentlemen my latest creations!” He reached for a microphone connected to an external speaker system. “Chuckles, Ms. Glee, Madame Titter, front and center!” The robots, which had stood in for Chickadee, Catwoman and Egghead after their escape, stepped into the motor pool and stiffened to attention.

“They’re incredible, Joker!” one of the two junior mechanics said.

“How come they look like Catwoman, Egghead, and Chickadee?” the lead mechanic asked.

“That is a problem, isn’t it?” the Joker said thoughtfully. “Wait! If they had on your clothes, they’d look exactly right!” He laughed delightedly and took up the microphone again. “Robots,” the Joker ordered, “collect the mechanics’ uniforms and put them on!”

“Hey! What’s the big idea, Joker?” the chief mechanics demanded as the robot attacked.

The Joker laughed uproariously as his orders were mercilessly carried out. Even the burly mechanics were no match for the super-strong and resilient robots. “Pack them away in those workbenches, then open the garage door and stand by!” the Joker ordered. After the human debris was hidden, the Clown Prince of Crime glanced at the exercise yard, where Undine lay prettily posed on her lawn chair, her audience utterly entranced. Soon his electronic entourage was in position, awaiting their next orders.

The Joker looked beyond his waiting warriors and stared for a moment at the prison wall. Five years ago, Calamity Jan and Frontier Fanny had driven a tank through the wall at that point to release Shame. The Joker nodded and reached for his microphone again. “Robots, advance on the prison wall and smash a hole in it I can drive through!” He waited, laughing uncontrollably while his metallic minions obeyed.

The male guards tore their gaze from Undine and took aim at the robots. The robots ignored the bullets and kept bashing away at the wall, enlarging the hole that was already apparent. The Jokermobile pulled into the yard when the hole the robot were making was large enough for a man to fit through. The Joker slowed ran through the metal dividing fence and let Undine climb into the seat beside him. The guard closest to the action saw the Joker throw something at her and found herself wrapped in the Joker’s sticky streamers seconds later.

“That’s a wrap, Joker,” Undine said, laughing happily.

“Indeed it is, my dear!” the Joker agreed gleefully. “We’ll be ready to go in a few moments!” The Joker backed through the hole in the fence he had just made.

More guards charged at the Joker’s robots. “Robots,” the Joker said into his microphone, “Keep smashing, but fling the rubble at those guards!” Grunts rewarded the robots’ efforts as the Jokermobile pulled forward and moved through the hole in the wall. “Robots,” the Joker ordered, “climb aboard! Hurry!”

Laughing uproariously, the Joker, Undine, and their hangers-on made their exit with armed, wildly shooting guards racing after them on foot.

“The chase is on now!“ the Joker cried happily.

He was right. A patrolling police car pulled behind them and summoned several backup cars as the Joker led them along the Gotham City coast road. The Dastardly Duo laughed uproariously as the lead lawbreaker began to manipulate his newly installed devices to confound pursuit.

First, the pursuing police cars found their tires unable to grip the winding road after the Joker applied oil from his auxiliary oil tank with nozzles extending from the back of the car.

“Light my smoke for me, Undine,” he ordered as he gripped a cigar with his teeth. The car slowed while his lovely lackey obeyed. “Thank you.” Police cars closed the gap between them as the Joker happily exhaled clouds of smoke and flung the flaming stogie into a second oil slick the car deposited behind them. Police fled as hungry flames raced toward their cars seconds later.

“That’s what I call hot pursuit!” the Joker remarked as the first explosion heralded his return to Gotham City.

“I guess you could say they really blew it,” Undine agreed delightedly, watching the wreckage accumulate in the rearview mirror.

The next encounter of the chase was resolved as a trapdoor in the bottom of the trunk fell away, spilling a mess of broken glass, twisted metal shards, rusty nails, and other shrapnel. The Joker’s pursuers could not brake fast enough to avoid sliding through the malicious mess, which shredded the rubber tires and sent police cars crashing into lamp posts, mail boxes, and trash cans.

“The Jokermobile slices! It dices!” the Joker cried happily, shaking with laughter. “I’ll make Batman into Julian fries!” His laughter echoed in the streets.

The car roared through Midtown. “Delicious!” Undine exclaimed. Then, she realized where they were and stared at her employer incredulously. “Where are you going?”

“We’ll hide out in the old One-Armed Bandit Novelty Company, but first I want to swing by Police Headquarters and leave Batman a little token of my affection.”

“Are you crazy?” she demanded.

“Doctor Bartholomew and that resident have told me I am. I ‘d hate to disappoint them!” He could feel Undine’s body tense beside him as they zoomed past the empty Batmobile. “Robots,” the Joker said into the microphone, “remove the wheels from the Batmobile and return to the pre-programmed address.” The Joker grinned at his girl as the robots leapt from the body of the car to obey. Undine was beginning to laugh.

“I love it!” Undine said, “but they don’t have any tools. Are they even mechanically inclined?”

“We’ll find out, my dear,” the Joker assured her. “Besides, who cares?”

”Good point. What’s next?”

“You mean after the Batmobile loses its wheels, and the Joker gets away?” Both of them laughed uproariously. “I think we’ll celebrate our newfound freedom.” Undine grinned as she felt the Joker’s hand slide slowly upward along her bare thigh.

The Joker spun the wheel and sent the car careening along an alley. He emerged and realized police cars were converging on him. He slid through another alley and spotted a roadblock forming ahead of him. He glanced around and realized he would be cornered in a moment unless he did something dramatic. Undine sensed the danger as well and tensed, reaching for him and clinging to him tightly.

“Get the gun out of the glove compartment, baby,” the Joker told her. She let go of him and dug for the weapon. The Joker raced toward the Midtown branch of the Gotham City Public Library.

“Sorry, baby,” the Joker said. He felt a twinge of regret. Undine looked at her boss questioningly. His right index finger stabbed the passenger ejector seat button and launched Undine into the air!

“Bombshells away! Happy landings!” he cried happily as he shot between the cars converging on him, who had braked to see what would happen to the Merry Maniac’s airborne assistant. Quickly, the Joker steered out of the officers’ line of fire, accelerated, and was gone.

“What happened?” the dismayed Chief O’Hara asked.

"Well, sir," one of the officers manning the roadblock reported, "the Joker drove past all of us because we were looking at the girl he shot into the air."

"You were-- wait a minute! The Joker WHAT?!"

The officer explained what had happened.

“Begorra!” Chief O’Hara said, bowing his head. “Saints preserve us.”

Undine’s sudden flight distracted library patrons as well as the police. Barbara Gordon had become aware of the commotion a few seconds ahead of most patrons as the noise of the chase reached her ears. She happened to glance outside as Undine went flying and was at the front door by the time the barely-clad beach babe hit the front lawn.

Barbara was leaning over Undine as the henchwoman gasped and said something very unladylike about the Joker.

“Are you all right?” Barbara asked.

“I will be,” Undine replied, reaching one hand toward the good samaritan. “Thank you. Say, haven’t I seen you someplace before? Who are you, anyway?”

“My name is Barbara Gordon. I’m not certain you should be standing up just yet.”

“I’ll be okay,” Undine said. “Are you related to Police Commissioner James Gordon?”

“He’s my father.”

Barbara would never be certain how Undine had managed to hide the gun from her. Indeed, given her state of relative undress, the idea of Undine hiding anything seemed ridiculous. Yet, Barbara felt a pistol pressed into her ribs and Undine leaned against her to hide the weapon from prying eyes.

“Get me out of here,” the blonde woman ordered. “If anyone asks why, I need medical attention. I know I don’t have to warn you that you’ll need it a lot worse if you give me any trouble. Understand?”

“I understand,” Barbara softly said. More loudly, so that onlookers could hear, she continued. “You should probably have a doctor look at you.” Barbara led the way to her car and the pretty pair climbed in. Undine made her go behind the wheel, offering no chance for escape. “Where do you want to go?”

“You live around here, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Take me to your place.”

“All right. Since you insist.” Undine kept her covered as they made their way to Barbara‘s apartment.

Although Undine’s outfit garnered more than a few second looks out on the street, the trip into Barbara’s apartment was relatively uneventful.

Once inside Barbara’s home, she asked, “What now?”

“Have a seat,” Undine invited, motioning with the gun. Barbara sank into the chair closest to her bedroom. “Now, I’ll just call your daddy and arrange for a lift out of town. I’m sure we can keep from having to hurt you.”

Barbara curled her fingers around a heavy book on the end table beside her chair. Undine picked up the phone and began to dial. Barbara stood and flung the book at her kidnapper while Undine thumbed back the hammer on the gun. Barbara was slamming her bedroom door as the heavy book threw off Undine’s aim.

When the gorgeous gunwoman reached the bedroom door, it was locked.

Barbara Gordon was spinning her wall and undergoing her tantalizing transformation behind the locked door. Batgirl made her way onto Barbara’s balcony and waited, watching Undine pace.

Thoughts swirled through Undine’s mind as she moved back and forth across Barbara Gordon’s living room. ’Why am I holding Barbara Gordon? How can I keep from having to shoot her when her father sends the police in force? Why has Joker abandoned me? What should I do about it? Should I run or lay low with Barbara Gordon as a hostage? Surrender is, of course, out of the question. If I were to run, I’ll need money. Where can I get some? Does Barbara Gordon have any cash?’ She started looking and set the gun down, making certain it was still within reach.

Batgirl stepped into the room. She waited for a moment while Undine searched.

The bad blonde jumped when she turned to see the Purple Paragon watching her. “Where the hell did you come from?”

Batgirl ignored the question. “What are you doing here, Undine?”

Undine smiled and relaxed visibly. She leaned her hips against the desk she had been searching and laughed. “I’m just looking for someone upon whom to take out my frustrations. Until you showed up, I was thinking I’d gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. I guess, once in a while, you really do save the day.”

“You’ve spent way too much time around the Joker.”

“Maybe. I have been thinking, though. Shall I tell you what about?”

“Do tell, Undine.”

“I’ve wondered why nobody has ever decided that the best way to get rid of you once and for all would be to just shoot you.” Undine’s hand snaked toward the gun, as Batgirl sent a Batarang across the room.

Undine felt a searing pain slash across her knuckles and heard the gun hit the floor harmlessly.

“You cut me! You-”

“The weed of crime bears bitter fruit,’ Undine,” Batgirl quoted.

“So I‘ve heard. You’ll pay for that!”

Undine was advancing on Batgirl. “We’ll see,” Batgirl replied.

The blonde beauty launched a kick to Batgirl’s abdomen and felt her bare foot slapped away. She sidestepped Batgirl’s counterattack and slammed an elbow into Batgirl’s chest. As the heroine doubled over, Undine slid her fingers under the Dominoed Daredoll’s utility belt and gripped the back of her neck with the other hand. A shift of her weight would allow Undine to ram Batgirl’s head into the wall.

Just as Undine shifted her weight, Batgirl wrapped her arms around her opponent’s legs and pulled. In midair, Batgirl rolled to be certain Undine took the most damage from their fall.

Undine was breathing heavily after the impact.

“Joker left you behind while he got away,” Batgirl said after taking in some air. She pulled the woman’s wrists behind her back and snapped the Batcuffs on the betrayed beauty. “Please give Ms. Gordon my regards. I’m sure she’ll be welcoming the police momentarily.” Batgirl left Undine fuming until a knock sounded at the door.

Barbara Gordon emerged from her bedroom, peered through the spy hole in her front door, and ushered her father, Chief O’Hara, and Lieutenant Mooney into the room. Mooney read Undine her Miranda rights, then pulled out a walkie-talkie to arrange for the escaped con to be taken away.

“Are you all right, Barbara?” Commissioner Gordon asked.

Barbara giggled. “I’m fine, Daddy. I locked myself in my bedroom the first chance I got. It was very helpful of this woman to take me home after she kidnaped me.”

“At least we’ve had one piece of good news today,” Commissioner Gordon said.

“What’s happened?”

“The Joker and this woman, Undine, literally smashed their way out of prison this morning. I knew about that when I left home. When I arrived at the office, I learned Catwoman, Egghead, and Chickadee had also escaped. I have no idea how yet.”

Chief O’Hara suddenly lit up. “Maybe if we talk to Undine about the other escapes, she’ll let something slip.”

“Good thinking, Chief.” Commissioner Gordon said.

“I wouldn’t count on it,” the statuesque henchwoman warned.

“We’ll see, Undine,” Lieutenant Mooney said sternly. “I’ll be waiting for you in the interrogation room at the station.” Then her tone softened, “Barbara, I’m glad you're okay.”

“Thank you, Diana. Good luck.” Lieutenant Mooney withdrew. “I’d better let you two get back to headquarters as well,” Barbara said.

“You're certain everything will be alright?”

“I’m perfectly fine.”

“If you’d like, I can put a man on your door, Miss Gordon,” Chief O’Hara offered.

“With Joker, Catwoman, and Egghead to contend with, I think your men would be better utilized elsewhere.”

“Commissioner?”

“She’s right, Chief, but Barbara, I do wish you’d reconsider moving back in with me.”

“Daddy, I know the offer stands and I appreciate it, but I like my apartment. We’ve had very few mishaps with criminals in the past six years. I suspect Batgirl looks out for me to prevent them.” Barbara knew this to be true because Batgirl had promised her father to watch out for her.

“So that’s why Batgirl showed up!” Undine exclaimed. “I was wondering what brought her here so quickly.” Undine went on to describe the Dark Angel of Gotham in unflattering terms.

“That will do, Undine!” Commissioner Gordon snapped. Then he turned to his daughter. “I can’t help worrying, Barbara.”

“I know.” Barbara put her arms around her father and kissed him on the cheek. “I need to be getting back to work. They’ll be wondering what happened to me.”

“Promise me you’ll be careful.”

“I promise,” Barbara said as she showed everyone out. “Goodbye.”

Barbara waited at the door until she heard the elevator doors close. “Batgirl is going to have a busier day than I thought, Charlie,” Barbara said to her bird as she sat at her computer. She brought up the e-mail Chief O’Hara had sent to the government email address the Voluptuous Vigilante used to communicate with the police. She shut her system down, returned to her bedroom, spun her wall, and underwent her tantalizing transformation once again.

“I came as soon as I could, Commissioner,” Batgirl said. “Has Undine been at all helpful?”

“No,” Commissioner Gordon said dejectedly. “She called for her lawyer, Alfred Slye.”

“I think she’s unhappy with the Joker right now,” Batgirl observed. “Being abandoned with the police was the last thing she expected when she escaped.”

“I’ll mention that to Lieutenant Mooney. She and Chief O’Hara will be questioning her as long as that slippery shyster will let them.” Commissioner Gordon’s intercom buzzed. “Yes, Bonnie?”

“I have the files you asked for, sir.”

“Thank you. Please bring them in.”

Once Bonnie had come and gone, Commissioner Gordon opened the first file and bent over it. After a moment, he leaned back in his chair. “Batgirl, I can’t help being distracted by the fact Undine kidnaped my daughter, Barbara. I appreciate your help protecting her.”

“It’s my pleasure, Commissioner Gordon.”

He stood and paced up and down his office. He sat down and focused on the files again. “Batman and Robin are consulting the Batcomputer about the possible whereabouts of Joker, Catwoman, and Egghead. I hoped our files on their associates might hold a clue. The Dynamic Duo’s technology is so helpful and impressive to watch. It was absolutely amazing, watching Bat-Automatically-Deploying-Spare-Tires install themselves on the Batmobile.”

Batgirl shot a questioning glance at the Commissioner. “Joker drove by here before you captured Undine,” the Commissioner said, “and had three robots rip the wheels off the Batmobile. I never get tired of being amazed at the contingencies for which Batman prepares.”

“He is a very impressive man,” Batgirl agreed, “in many ways.”

The Commissioner looked up from the file he was examining as she spoke. “I suppose you and I look at Batman differently, Batgirl. I hadn’t really considered how different our perspectives would naturally be.”

“I’m certain our visions overlap in many places,” Batgirl said. She might have pursued the line of conversation they had opened further with her friend Lieutenant Diana Mooney, but not with her father. Batgirl looked over the Commissioner’s shoulder at the contents of the folder he was examining. They were looking at glossy pictures of a curly-haired, blonde woman. “Do you have a current address for Vixen?” she asked, neatly returning their conversation to business.

The Commissioner looked through the folder again, wrote on a notepad, tore off the top sheet and handed it to her. ”Thank you, Commissioner. Vixen has worked with both Joker and Catwoman in the past. Maybe I’ll have a word with her tonight and learn something.”

“Be careful, Batgirl.”

“I always try to be.”

“I mean it. Vixen is extremely dangerous and should not be underestimated.”

“Don’t worry. I know exactly what to expect from Vixen.”

There was no love lost between Batgirl and the well-connected call girl. Batgirl was well aware the popular henchwoman was smart, tough, and well versed in a vicious blend of martial arts and street-fighting the younger woman had employed against Batgirl more than once in their past. Locks and computer security barely made Vixen hesitate when she was working and she was famously willing to do almost anything for almost anyone. She liked her bosses kinky, but was utterly professional, not seeming to be bothered by their actions --ever, no matter how fiendish or psychotic. Batgirl suspected the blonde beauty had learned the strengths and weaknesses of all male super-villains in Gotham City to protect herself. This prodigious mental database unquestionably rivaled the knowledge of subjects’ mothers, former cell-mates, and psychoanalysts combined. Most of the uses Vixen’s employers made of her were obvious, but those who knew her best would take advantage of her less obvious and more fiendishly subtle capabilities and talents. In a word, Vixen was formidable; Vixen had earned Batgirl's respect, but certainly not her admiration.

Darkness had fallen by the time Jack O’Shea pulled his car to the curb in front of an apartment building. “Well, Eenie, here we are,” he said.

“I’ve had a wonderful day, Jack. Thank you for everything.”

“You’re welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.” He walked her to the door where they kissed.

Once inside the apartment, Eenie crossed the room, shedding a leopard-spotted coat as she went to reveal a short purple dress with black boots and matching hose. Without bothering to turn on the lights, she went over to her answering machine and pressed the message button. “Kittens, we’re playing our first game at Axis Chemicals tonight at midnight. Be early. I want everything to be purr-fect when Joker arrives, ” Selina Kyle’s voice said.

“So, the original Catwoman is back. My question, Eenie, is: Where is she?”

Eenie jumped, spinning around as a cry escaped her lips. “Batgirl! What the--”

Batgirl turned on the light and stepped toward the startled hench-kitten.

Eenie mastered herself. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m looking for Catwoman, Egghead, and Joker! You’re going to help me find them!”

Eenie laughed harshly “Whatever you’re on, Batgirl, I want some. It’s obviously really good stuff.”

“Use of controlled substances is a crime.”

“That reminds me. I’m on parole. No law enforcement agency wants me for any reason right now. You broke in here, which, at the very least, is trespassing and might be breaking and entering, a felony. I’m sure the cops can figure out the details once they arrive to arrest you.”

“Would you like me to call them? Your roommate won’t be happy. Let’s forget, for the moment, that this is Vixen’s apartment. I’ll play that answering machine message for them and you’ll have to answer all the questions it will raise. I’m sure you’ll have a lovely night downtown. What will Catwoman say when you miss your meeting?” As Batgirl spoke, she let her legs spread to shoulder width and her hands rest on her shapely hips.

“You know,” Eenie said, “you really are a--”

Batgirl stepped forward and slapped her. “I didn’t come her to exchange insults, Eenie. Tell me where I can find Catwoman, Egghead, and Joker. You’re right. You haven’t done anything wrong . . . yet. Tell me what I want to know and I’ll leave.”

“So, you’re going to beat me up if I don’t help you?”

“Let’s just say I came here for answers, Eenie . . . and I haven’t forgotten how you tortured me with your whisker-thin wires the last time we met.”

Batgirl had hoped her response would scare Eenie, but the hench-kitten only laughed. “I remember, Batgirl. My wires drew blood. Tightening them, ever so slowly, around your body until they dug in was really fun. You should realize, however, that today I’m not under orders to keep you alive.”

“Today, I’m not your prisoner.”

“Then, I suppose I should do something about that,” the hench-kitten thoughtfully said. Eenie suddenly leapt into the air and spun, sending a kick at Batgirl’s head. The Dark Angel of Gotham ducked and sent two pile-driving punches into Eenie’s abdomen. The bad brunette began to crumple in midair, and landed hard on her back.

Batgirl crouched beside her. “You shouldn’t have tried that, Eenie. Now, I’ll ask you again. Where are Catwoman, Egghead, and Joker?”

“One thing is for sure,” a new voice said, “none of them are here!”

Batgirl recognized the second voice and smiled. She stood, turned and spotted Vixen, the curly-haired call girl who had signed the apartment’s lease, leaning against the back of the door with her arms folded. She had been exercising in a pair of red sweat pants and a matching halter-top. Playfully, she kicked off her athletic shoes and white socks.

“We seem to have a rodent infestation. Well, little mouse, I’m the exterminator.” She came into the center of the room and bent into a fighting crouch. “Come on!”

Batgirl spun and Vixen blocked her heel, sliding and snapping a kick into Batgirl’s side. The Purple Paragon blocked the blow and fired a fist at Vixen’s chin. Vixen blocked with a hammer hand and gripped Batgirl’s arm seconds after her fist unclenched. With a gleeful grin, Vixen pulled Batgirl off balance and followed up with a devastating elbow.

Batgirl rested her hands on her knees as she bent over in pain, trying to inhale. Vixen spun, intending to slam her heel into the back of her opponent’s head.

Gotham’s Dark Angel dove for her enemy’s legs and drove the high-priced harlot to the floor hard. Batgirl raised herself to one knee and snaked a punch into the younger woman’s chin. The blow bounced Vixen’s head off the floor and the follow up shot left Batgirl’s opponent motionless and moaning.

“I won our first fair fight, Vixen,” Batgirl said.

“It isn’t over yet, Batgirl,” Eenie said, looming up behind the victorious vigilante. An instant later, Batgirl collapsed as pain exploded from the back of her head. She was unconscious when the echo of the crack died.

Vixen revived swearing as Eenie knelt over her, applying wet washcloths. “What happened to Batgirl?”

“She hit her head on a chair I swung at her,” Eenie said. “You distracted her perfectly.”

Vixen sat up and cast a baleful glance at the downed damsel. “Well, you got ’er. How do you feel about finishing the job?”

“We won’t have much time. Catwoman wants us at Axis Chemicals before midnight.”

“We can at least immobilize her,” Vixen said. “Do you have any of your whisker-thin wire handy?”

“No. Jack and I have been so busy moving me in--"

“I’m sure that’s all you two were doing,” Vixen teased.

“Hey!” Eenie protested. Then she favored her ravishing roommate with a wicked grin. “Never mind. I have a better idea for Batgirl. Get cleaned up while I attend to her.” Both hench-kittens glanced at the clock on the wall and hurried off. Eenie could hear the shower running when she returned with a roll of duct tape.

“What are you doing?” Vixen demanded as she emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Batgirl lay face down on Vixen’s waterbed with her legs stretched toward the headboard. Her limbs were splayed and each of her joints was heavily wrapped in gray duct tape. The heroine moaned and tried to move, discovering she could not.

“I have a plan,” Eenie announced. She bent and put her lips close to Batgirl’s ear and spoke. “You’re pretty hot, Batgirl, but after I shut off the bed’s heater, you’ll cool down very quickly.” The dark-haired desperado reached the controls with a single sexy stride and switched the heater off. “There. Now the water in the bed will drop to room temperature. It can still get quite cold at night here in Gotham in mid-May. Since you’ll soon be immersed in water, the question is whether your body will go numb before you drown.” As she spoke, Eenie’s voice dripped with malicious glee.

“You’re going to finish off Batgirl in my bed!” Vixen exclaimed. “Eenie--”

"Well, you won't be sleeping in your own bed tonight!" Eenie grinned wickedly, holding up her hand. “Once the job is done, her carcass will be worth more than enough cash to buy a house and furnish it -- lavishly,” the brunette declared.

“I’m listening.”

“We’ll have her gloves, utility belt, cape, cowl, and all sorts of other items we can distribute after she perishes. All we have to do is tell certain parties we have Batgirl in our power and they’ll pay us a pretty penny to eliminate her.”

Humor imbued Vixen’s voice as she considered the lucrative possibilities. “They’ll all pay us to kill her . . . and she’ll already be dead!”

“That’s hardly ethical,” Batgirl admonished.

“Shut up!” both of her captors ordered.

“Just how do you plan to kill me?” she asked, ignoring them.

“Well, since you asked, I’ll tell you,” Eenie said. “I’ve immobilized you already. Next, I plan to prick Vixen’s waterbed mattress a few times with a knitting needle. This will enable your dead weight to press down and form a puddle in the center of the bed. If you thrash around trying to escape, the puddle will grow more quickly. Ultimately, you’ll drown.” Eenie laughed and Vixen joined her after a moment.

“Do you have any tape left?“ Vixen asked.

“Sure.”

Vixen took the tape and stuck one end to Batgirl’s hip. She passed it around their intended victim’s waist three times, covering her belt. Then, she taped the ends of her gloves and boots to her purple bodysuit. ‘There,” Vixen said with a laugh. “If you weren’t completely helpless before, you are now. Just try and reach your toys.”

“We’ll see about that, Vixen.”

“Indeed,” the blonde woman said.

“We’ll just get changed and return to sew up your fate, Batgirl,” Eenie decided. “Oh! I musn’t forget to close the heating vents in this room. Must conserve energy, you know.”

After Eenie had done so and the hench-kittens had left, Batgirl realized how essential the heater was to a waterbed owner’s comfort. She resolved to keep from shivering, but knew her muscles would quiver involuntarily when her body grew cold enough. She wasn’t getting any warmer.

The brunette returned wearing her customary pair of gold slacks that molded so tightly against her lovely lower body they might have been a second skin. Matching boots and a leopard-spotted pull-over that encased her equally exquisite upper body completed her outfit. Vixen appeared a moment later, showcasing a very short skirt that matched Eenie’s top; a black, silk blouse; and black, stiletto-heeled boots. They smiled at their intended victim as Eenie opened a sewing kit she was carrying.

“Time we needled Batgirl a little,” Vixen said.

Eenie extracted a pair of knitting needles and handed one to her partner in crime. “You know,” she said, tapping the tip of her needle into the waterbed mattress. “Catwoman will provide us with the perfect alibi. While you die, Batgirl, we’ll be with her on a completely different job,” she said, laughing and poking the mattress absently.

Vixen was perforating the other side of the bed. “There. Purr-fect,” she said, imitating the Feline Fiend who had begun to groom her as a successor. “By the time our job is done tonight, you will be quite finished, Batgirl, but don’t worry. We’ll be back after that to see how you’ve settled in.”

“You won’t get away with this. Even if your plan succeeds, there are four people in Gotham City who will lead a merciless hunt to see that you pay dearly for my murder. Make no mistake,” Batgirl threatened softly, “you will be caught.”

“I doubt it. Anyway, your avengers won’t be of any help to you,” Eenie pointed out, turning from the sinister scene with a wicked laugh.

Vixen put her needle down. “I almost forgot,” she said. “We wouldn’t want you to wake the neighbors.” She smoothed a short piece of duct tape across Batgirl’s mouth. “Your skin is very cold, Batgirl. I imagine you’ll be shivering soon. I wouldn’t advise it, though. It will only make the puddle you’re lying in bigger.” Vixen said. The bad blonde’s lips pecked Batgirl’s cheek before her voice fell to a sultry whisper. “Ta, ta, for now,”

“Keep still and stay warm if you can, Batgirl,” Eenie said, glancing over her shoulder and giggling delightedly. “Sweet dreams.”

Batgirl heard the bedroom door close and lock. She was alone. Water was beginning to soak her costume, and she could not voluntarily move a muscle or reach any of her special equipment. She was very cold and could feel herself starting to shiver.

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