Batgirl’s Dark Reflection

On Catwoman’s treadmills, Batman and Robin began to drag their feet. “I don’t know how much longer I can go on, Robin,” Batman said breathlessly.

“You have to, Batman!” Robin urged, his chest heaving.

“I think I’m getting a cramp. Stretching and warm-ups are a vital part of any exercise program.” A painful gasp cut Batman’s lecture short. “We may still have one slim chance left.”

“What’s that?”

“Catwoman never knocked me out.”

“What?” Robin asked incredulously. He was almost shocked into stillness.

“Keep moving!” Batman ordered.

Robin’s pace increased to match his mentor’s. “Right. Didn’t she get you with that powder in the elevator?” Robin’s mind had turned from his physical pain to the incredible revelation that Batman had somehow avoided utter helplessness in Catwoman’s clutches.

“She employed her fiendish powder, but I was holding my breath.”

“Because you saw her use that foul funnel on me first?”

“Precisely.”

“Glad I could help,” Robin remarked drily.

“Awareness of her plans was invaluable, but I only had a few seconds to take advantage of it. Once Catwoman thought I was unconscious, persuading our feline friends of what they believed to be true was almost childishly simple.”

“How does your consciousness then help us now? Catwoman still trapped you.”

“True, but while her kittens bound me, without their knowledge I held my breath and hardened my muscles.”

“Holy Houdini! When you relaxed and exhaled, you gained slack in the ropes!”

“You’ve done it again, old chum. I would have been out of my bonds long ago if they had not used such an excessive amount of rope to bind me.”

Robin looked and saw the tail of rope hanging from Batman’s wrist bindings. As the Boy Wonder watched, the rope grew longer before falling away altogether.

“You’re almost free!”

Batman said nothing, since his gloved fingers were busily unhooking the leash from his collar, and speaking would have moved his head, with unpredictable results. “There,” he said, stepping from the treadmill.

“I’ll have you free in just a moment,” Batman said. He reached forward and switched off Robin’s treadmill. Then, he moved to a position behind Robin and began to untie the Boy Wonder’s ropes. The next step was to detach the leash from the younger hero’s collar.

“Once we retrieve our utility belts, we can remove these infernal necklaces,” Batman said.

“What about the backups in the Batcycle?”

“This Catlair will be sufficiently catacombed to make it too time consuming to retrieve them,” Batman objected. “I’d like to take Catwoman and her hench-kittens by surprise.”

“Then, let’s go collar her!” Robin urged.

“Right you are, chum.” They began to move away, but Batman collapsed almost instantly.

“My cramp!” Batman said, with an agonized groan. “I’ll lie down on my stomach, while you massage the cramp out of my leg,” Batman directed.

It took time, but the Caped Crusader was ready for action when Robin had finished.

“Vixen locked us in?” Robin asked.

“Her imprisoning us won’t matter,” Batman responded. He walked to the door and slipped a tiny tool from his glove. It fit easily into the door’s lock. Minutes later, the lock opened, and Batman cautiously eased the door open. “Our enemies are typically overconfident, but caution is warranted, nevertheless. Ready?”

“I’m with you, Batman.”

“Let’s go.”

The spray descending upon Batgirl stopped when the level reached her neck. She exhaled. “He really isn’t trying to kill me,” she murmured. 'Perhaps that isn’t so extraordinary.' Batgirl shook her head. “Where did that thought come from?” The answer hit her like a ton of bricks. The drug in which she was immersed was working!

Something lurking coiled inside her psyche had awakened. Now, it had begun slinking quietly through the shadowy recesses of her mind, building within her, gathering itself, and growing darker all the while. When it emerged, it would dominate her will. The time would be soon.

The darkness prowling through Batgirl’s mind had emerged and controlled her once before. Catwoman had summoned it from within her with this very drug. On that occasion, Batgirl had been transformed into the antithesis of herself and hypnosis had made her into another Catwoman. Batgirl’s kittenish persona had commanded the original Catwoman and her gang to purr-form ambitious, avaricious acts of robbery and kidnaping they executed to purr-fection.

Batgirl’s lips curled into a wicked smile as suppressed, half-forgotten memories flooded back into her consciousness. Warm pleasure seemed to envelope her and contrast with the cooling water around her. “Joker had better hurry if he wants a partner. I’m getting cold,” she decided aloud. She put a foot against the door and flattened her back against the opposite wall. She tried to extend her leg and free herself, but the door remained in place. She took up her usual stance with hands on her hips and her legs spread to shoulder width, waiting impatiently and growing more annoyed as time passed.

Presently, Harley Quinn stepped into the room and began to pump the water from the chamber. “How do you feel, B-Girl?”

“Like wringing Joker’s neck. He could have let me out of here half an hour ago.”

“The door will open when the water drains. Here are towels and a hair dryer. I laid out the clothes Joker picked for you. He’d like you to keep the cowl and lose the cape. See ya’ soon.”

Moments later the former captive stepped from the shower and languidly stretched herself. The darkness in her mind had uncoiled completely. It was nearly time to emerge and be revealed once again . . . Soon.

Jack O’Shea was grinning from ear to ear and Eenie glowed as she led him into Catwoman’s presence once again. The voluptuous villainess, seated upon a golden throne, and her evil escort, Vixen, were busy examining the catalog of loot they had stolen from the Persian King Darius exhibit.

“We’re rich!” Vixen said jubilantly.

“Once you search through your clientele’ and find us a likely buyer for the stuff, we will be. Of course, there’s much more of it around Gotham, just waiting to be purr-loined,” the Feline Felon said. “I see no sense in advertising until we have the catalog filled.”

“The people I’ve entertained who would like this stuff will want more than this before they part with the fortune the merchandise will command on the black market,” the curly haired call girl explained. “I take you don’t plan to discount it?”

“Can you think of a reason I should settle for less?”

“No, boss, and honestly the people I’m thinking about don’t deserve that kind of consideration.”

“Didn’t they tip well?” O’Shea asked.

“I had to beat my fee out of them, or lose it.”

“I didn’t know you took on that kind of client,” Eenie remarked.

“It was a long time before I came to Gotham City. I had to establish my reputation as a tough baby somewhere,” Vixen grinned. “Where do we bag the next batch of stuff?”

“Tonight the Gotham City Historical Society will entertain the Gotham Persian Society at an authentic masquerade ball,” Catwoman announced. “I propose we make off with all the sumptuous silks, fabulous furs, and beautiful baubles adorning the diners.”

“We’ll insure their event gets front page coverage,” Jack O’Shea said with a laugh. Then he noticed something that made him concerned. “Hey, did someone move the utility belts?” He looked around. “I don’t see them.”

“They’re back where they belong, Mister O’Shea!” Robin said. The gossip columnist turned to see the Dynamic Duo buckling their utility belts into place around their waists. “We suspected you were in league with Catwoman, and now we have proof!”

“Catwoman, we’ve come to put a stop to your monstrous plans once and for all,” Batman concurred.

“Holy Indecent Proposal! Stealing the costumes from guests at a masquerade party . . . you’re all despicable!”

Catwoman didn’t even bother to get up. “Why are you doing this to me, Batman? My offer would have been so much nicer. I would gladly surrender to you if I thought it would further my purr-sonal goals, or you could still surrender to me.”

“Thwarting your criminal plans is my job, Catwoman. Your personal regard for me is a separate issue, just as is any feelings I may have for you.” Robin shot his mentor a knowing glance. “Now, would you care to come quietly?”

“Hush and heaven forbid. Without my help, the squad of police who came to arrest me earlier will never get out of the maze I set them wandering through. My price for their lives, Batman, is amnesty for myself and my kittens. Of course, I’m open to negotiations.”

“There will be no negotiations, Catwoman,” Batman said stolidly.

“And no deals,” Robin added.

At first annoyed by the interruption in her dialogue with Batman, Catwoman came to look at Robin appraisingly. “Tsk, tsk and another tsk. Isn’t it about time you struck out on your own? And shouldn’t you get some long pants?”

Robin bristled.

Catwoman’s eyes went down from the young man’s waist to his elfin boots and back up again. “Although, you do have nice legs,” she said quietly.

Then her voice returned to its normal, commanding self. “Anyway, back to business. Robin knows well what my former Cat-servant Catarina and the cops under her command are going through. Purr-haps you should reconsider my terms?”

Robin glanced at Batman, but the Caped Crusader’s features had hardened into an impassive mask. “That won’t happen!”

“That was your only chance, Batman.” The floor suddenly dropped away beneath Batman and Robin, as Catwoman pressed a button concealed beneath the arm of her chair.

As the Dynamic Duo dropped out of sight, Catwoman rose, descended her dais and put her hands on her hips. “Now, release the tigers to which we tried feeding Batgirl into the maze. Batman, Robin, Mooney, and the rest of those cops have pestered me for the last time. They’ve asked for it. It’s time I gave it to them.”

“Sounds good, boss,” Jack O’Shea said.

“Batman and Robin are cat chow,” Eenie remarked philosophically. “It fits.”

“Purr-fectly,” Vixen said, imitating her mistress.

“Very nice, Vixen.” Catwoman’s voice then took on just a slight tone of menace. “Keep in mind, though, you haven’t succeeded me yet.”

Vixen had submitted to plastic surgery to giver her a more feline look during one of her previous stints as a hench-kitten. ”You’re top cat around here as far as I’m concerned, Catwoman.”

“That’s ‘boss’ – to all of you – and don’t anybody forget it!”

As the villains spoke, Robin’s green glove emerged from the chute in the floor. One blue glove and then another appeared before a second green glove slid from the labyrinthine depths of the catacombs. Batman and Robin soon stood on the brink of the trap the Princess of Plunder had sprung and faced her.

“We’re not going down that easily, Catwoman!” Robin said defiantly.

“Now, it’s our turn to capture you!” Batman declared.

“Not yet, Batman and Robin,” Catwoman said sweetly. The Feline Felon’s voice once again grew commanding. “Jack, Kittens, throw them into the maze!”

Robin darted glances at Eenie and Vixen, who approached the young crimefighter from opposite directions. Batman took a step toward his partner, placing himself between Robin and O’Shea. O’Shea saw the Caped Crusader had left his back vulnerable and moved. Suddenly, the top of Batman’s fist impacted O’Shea’s nose as the gloved fist whipped backward.

O’Shea felt himself falling and lost his balance on the edge of the chute. With a startled, dismayed cry, he literally dropped out of the fight.

The Boy Wonder knew Vixen to be the more dangerous of his opponents. He bent his knees and waited for the kittens to close in on him. He moved in the same instant as they, and gripped Vixen’s wrist as she swung. A pivot sent Vixen crashing into Eenie, who was knocked off balance and stumbled toward the chute. She teetered on the brink and fell, being seconds too slow to catch herself.

Robin stayed where he was as Vixen plunged an arm into the abyss. Seconds later Eenie rose from the chute like a phoenix. “Thanks. I was afraid they would dump you on top of me when I saw you up there,” the grateful hench-kitten said.

“Batman and Robin are gentlemen. They would never come at a female combatant from behind. Sneak attacks just aren’t their style. It’s all about gallantry with them,” Vixen said laughing.

“That’s their problem. Let’s get ‘em!”

“I’m way ahead of you, girlfriend,” Vixen said. She charged Batman, lowering her head as she reached him. The Caped Crusader caught her and spun all the way around, sending her flying past him. Vixen hit a wall and began to slide to the floor.

Eenie padded toward Robin on the balls of her feet, splayed her fingers, and adopted a fighting stance. “Come on, Robin. I’ve been working out.”

“You’re seriously think you can overpower me?” Robin asked.

“You’ll regret dismissing me as a weak little girl, Wonder Boy,” she predicted. “Let’s go!”

Robin took her hands and they leaned toward one another. “I’m impressed,” Robin said after a few moments during which neither moved. The young man took a deep breath and raised his back foot. His weight settled onto his plant foot and he began to employ his powerful legs.

“You’re . . . very . . . strong,” Eenie said. He forced her to retreat toward the chute. After each step, she held her position for a moment before Robin’s strength, weight, and technique again forced her back. She stole a glance at the chute and retreated another step.

“Give it up, Eenie,” Robin advised. “You can’t win.”

“Can’t I?” she asked, kicking sharply at his plant foot. Robin blocked the kick by raising his knee and realized he had compromised his balance. He was falling toward Eenie and that was exactly what she had expected.

Her plan was to use his momentum to fling him down the chute, but Robin had guessed it. He lunged and reached for her plant foot, yanking it from beneath her.

“No!” Eenie cried as she toppled backward and encountered only empty space. Robin, who had stopped his fall with a grip on the edge of the chute with one hand, stared after her. He then turned his head to check on Batman.

Vixen flung herself at the Caped Crusader as he approached her. Batman sidestepped and swept her legs from beneath her. The blonde swore and tumbled toward him, whipping one leg at his ankles and sweeping the other toward his thighs. Batman jumped, avoiding the attack and landed beside her head. He reached down, gripped Vixen’s wrists, and began to drag her toward the chute.

Catwoman had been edging around the fight as it continued and slipped through the door. Robin climbed to safety and went after her, as she dashed from her audience chamber. He caught sight of her sprinting along a carpeted corridor and stooped to pull back on the rug. The Feline Felon fell headlong and Robin was standing over her by the time she was ready to return to her feet.

“It’s over, Catwoman.”

“Wrong, Robin!” she cried desperately. “Mooney and the rest of her police squad are still my prisoners!”

“Come on, Catwoman,” Robin replied confidently. “Give it up. You said your maze was beneath that trapdoor. We can rescue them with a rope ladder and Bat-Torches, or you can just make it easier on everyone, including yourself, and let them out.”

Catwoman knew she was beaten. She was also a little surprised. “I never thought you’d catch me single-handedly, Robin. You’ve become very strong and smart.”

“Thank you,” he said, pulling her arms behind her and snapping Batcuffs on her wrists.

“Long standing rumors of an association between syndicated gossip columnist Jack O’Shea and Catwoman were confirmed earlier today as Batman and Robin helped police capture the super-villainess’ gang. I’m Summer Gleason and we’ll have details in just a moment.”

The smell of cordite and singed metal lingered in the air after the Joker fired a gun at the television, which exploded in a burst of flame. “I don’t understand how they can still be alive!” the Joker fumed. “They were as good as dead when we left them at the chemical company. It doesn’t make any sense!”

“Batman and Robin aren’t the only unfinished business on your plate, Mr. J,” Harley Quinn said.

“That’s right! I’ve got Badgirl to show off to the good citizens of Gotham City and a sportscast to make, in which I will reveal Miss Phelps’ chances of living through the night, if the Gladiators don’t pay what I demand," the Joker agreed, laughing. Then he fumed, "I do wish my new associate would stop primping, hurry up, and get out here!”

“Remember my surprise, Puddin’?”

“Thank you, Harley. I’m just not in the mood right now.”

“Ya’ don’t understand.”

The Joker glared at her, but let his hard stare soften as he examined how her form-fitting outfit clung to her legs, hips, and chest. She really was very pretty. “What’s to understand?”

“Come on, I’ll show ya’!” she gushed, seizing his hand.

“Now?” He smiled and decided Harley could easily put him in the mood, if she put her mind to it.

Harley led him to the truck and opened the back “Ta da!” Harley said.

The Joker was astonished to find Venus lying bound and gagged on the floor of the truck in front of a vending machine. Harley climbed aboard and opened the vending machine. Susie’s shivering body fell to the floor.

“Sweet Sue and the voluptuous Venus!” the Joker said, totally surprised.

“Right,” Harley said, pulling her captives from the truck. “I know you’ve had some trouble recruitin’ in recent years.”

The Joker whirled on Harley and demanded, “Who said I’m having trouble recruiting?!”

“Ya’ babbled about it in your cell at night.”

“Oh.”

Harley continued coyly, “I also remembered readin’ about some of your old henchwomen being disloyal.”

“You’re right, Harley. Sweet Sue here betrayed my entire caper to Batman when she worked for me.”

“Venus mutinied against ya’, too, didn’t she?”

“Yes, but I had problems with her even before that! She apologized before delivering Batman and Robin into my hands and wanted me to spare them when I was about to squash them. When she did change sides, she did it in the middle of a kidnaping. She gave away another of my prisoners, compromised a perfectly good hideout, and rooted for Batman the entire time! Then, I thought she was just a young thing who had been taken in by his good looks and charm. When she escaped from the giant clam to which I tried to feed her, that seemed to prove it. Now I see, she is responsible for her trespasses against me!”

Harley Quinn smiled. “I was right. I figured you’d want to get even with Venus and Sweet Sue here. You’ll earn even more respect from your super-criminal peers after settling the scores with these traitorous tramps.”

“It isn’t just them.”

“I know. I’ll get Elvina later. She helped that annoying, straight-arrow district attorney, Harvey Dent, put ya’ in jail a couple of years ago, after you went to all the trouble of escapin’.”

“Well, to be fair, I was rescued from prison by a pretty pair of young admirers . . . but, you’re right in another respect, my dear. My amorous aide did testify against me after Batgirl spoiled all my holiday plans.”

“When ya' have all three of your traitorous former employees–”

“I can kill them all at once, in a single, deadly stroke!” the Joker laughed uproariously and danced Harley around the garage. “Your scheme is utterly delicious, Harley! Now, quickly, bring them inside. I’m sure we can make them uncomfortable while we all wait for you to bring me Elvina.”

“Can I play, too?” a new voice said.

The Joker and Harley turned toward the voice and spotted Badgirl leaning provocatively in a frame the door seemed to make. She was quite noticeable in the figure-hugging purple outfit. She had retained her cowl with the red hair spilling from the back, but had dispensed with her cape, in accordance with the Joker’s wishes. The silver boots Cornelia had worn with the outfit had been replaced by the ones Batgirl wore and the chain and keys that had encompassed Cornelia’s waist had been replaced by Batgirl’s golden utility belt. Her final concession to her new employer had been to replace the golden Bat-belt buckle with a similarly sized, polished clown face.

“Nice,” Harley said.

“You look incredible!” the Joker said. “I wasn’t sure Cornelia’s old duds would fit you.”

“It’s amazing what a needle and thread can do. I can’t wait to show you the rest.”

“There’s more?”

“Only for you, Joker,” she said with a wink.

“Why don’t we take these two in?” Harley suggested, lifting Susie. Badgirl stepped forward and took Venus.

The Joker cleared his throat. “Right this way,” he said. He led them to the den, where Harley and Badgirl tied their charges tightly to straight-backed chairs. As they worked, the Joker departed, then returned with Miss Phelps, whom he bound in similar fashion.

“Okay! Now that all our pretty prisoners can keep each other company, we’ll need to take their pictures. The Gotham Gladiators and the Dynamic Dodos will need proof my demands of the Gladiators should be taken seriously. I’ll keep pictures of my molls as remembrances when they’re gone!” the Joker said, gesturing at a pair of cameras. Harley and Badgirl began to take pictures of the prisoners.

“Stop!” the Joker commanded after a few shots. “This is not working. Our models are not into this at all.” He paced for a moment and brightened. “I’ve got it! Girls, just shoot their reactions. I’ll take care of the rest.”

“Sure thing, Mr. J,” Harley said.

“You got it, boss,” Badgirl seconded.

“Okay, models. Let’s heat it up! Make love to the camera! Give it to me! Come on! Let’s get hot! You are awesome! Make me want you. You can do it!”

After five minutes, the Joker realized his prisoners were not going to respond to his encouragement. He frowned.

“Maybe they need a different form of motivation,” Badgirl suggested.

“What did ya’ have in mind?” Harley curiously asked.

“Badgirl, I love your brain!” the Joker said. “I’ll be right back. If our guests get any nice facial expressions while they wait, photograph them.” Then he hurried away.

The prisoners stared stonily at their curvaceous captors for several silent minutes.

“So, B-girl, what do ya' think Mr. J has come up with?” Harley asked.

The prisoners’ curiosity began to gnaw at them.

Badgirl shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ll tell you what, though. I could get some fun facial expressions out of them in just a few minutes, if Joker would let me. Then, if the folks we’ll be hitting up for money saw those pictures, there would be no question about us getting paid!”

“How can you be so . . . horrible?” Venus asked, quivering.

“I kind of like the idea of my Puddin’ manipulatin’ the terrified leaders of Gotham City like puppets,” Harley said, staring off into space. Then she turned to the captives and said seriously, “I’m very interested in social issues.”

“You’re insane,” Miss Phelps declared flatly.

“And you have a big mouth!” Badgirl told her. “I’ll bet Harley could get some interesting shots if I were to shut it for you.”

“Leave her alone!” Susie commanded. “Where did Joker pick you up, anyway, and what gives you the right to hold us against our will?”

“My relationship with Joker is none of your business and Harley and I can do as we please with you because you are tied up! I hope Joker will let me help you understand that fact much better . . . very soon.”

‘What is keeping the Joker?’ Venus fearfully thought, ‘and what horrific plan does he have for us?’

When the Joker reappeared, the tiny flame of an acetylene torch illuminated his ghoulish face. “All right, who wants to be first?!”

The prisoners screamed, Harley and Badgirl photographed them, and the Joker shut off the torch. “That was beautiful, girls! Thank you all. Now, Harley will go and collect my other traitorous former moll, Elvina, while Badgirl and I see that Batman understands I’m serious. When we get back, we’ll deliver my demands to the Gotham Gladiators!”

“What is it you have in mind for Batman, boss?”

“I’m going to do away with the Dynamic Dodos once and for all, Badgirl! Oh, it’s exquisite!!” The Joker paused to laugh. “You’ll make the most beautiful bait for Batman.”

“Bait?” Badgirl repeated, her eyes narrowed “Joker, dear, I’ll have you know I am the trap for Batman and Robin. Once they are lured into my presence, I’ll take enormous pleasure in slowly destroying them for you, once and for all!” All the villains laughed.

“Confident, isn’t she?” the Joker, in a stage whisper, remarked merrily. “Let us be off! We have work to do, and when it’s finished, we’ll have time to play with my collection of dolls!”

Venus stared at the retreating rogues. She trembled with terror after the door locked behind them.

“Relax, Venus,” Susie confidently said, capturing the terrified woman’s gaze. “Joker is just messing with you. Robin will find us.”

“You’re sure, aren’t you?” Venus asked quietly.

“The Joker has never beaten Batman and Robin,” Miss Phelps pointed out.

Venus felt her spirits buoyed. “Thank you both. We have to cling to hope. I saw Joker leave Batman and Robin to be squashed by an eight-ton meteorite, yet they survived. Later, Batman saved both Robin and me from being eaten by a giant clam.”

“That’s the spirit,” Miss Phelps encouraged.

Susie smiled at her fellow prisoners. The pretty co-ed knew the Joker would publicize Miss Phelps’ captivity. Venus and her situation, however, was different. Robin and Batman might never know of the threat looming over the two former henchgirls.

It was obvious Venus was in love with Batman. There was no reason to dash her hopes for rescue.

Besides, Susie had personally witnessed Batman’s legendary luck in action. The college student knew she would have to remain strong as long as she could. She closed her eyes to rest and conserve her strength.

Shortly thereafter, at Police Headquarters, Lieutenant Diana Mooney sat down in Commissioner Gordon’s office. “Lieutenant, we need to clarify a few things about the raid you led on the Catlair,” Commissioner Gordon said.

“I’d like to begin by apologizing for losing Catwoman.”

“We haven’t given up on her capture yet,” Commissioner Gordon encouraged.

“After Batman and Robin left, she broke away from the officer restraining her and ran off into her maze. I halted pursuit so that the officer would not become hopelessly lost.”

“That’s understandable, Lieutenant,” Chief O’Hara said. “We have all the exits to that maze we know of covered.”

“I’m worried about the exits about which we don’t know,” Lieutenant Mooney said sourly.

“Let’s turn to Catwoman’s gang,” Commissioner Gordon suggested.

“You placed them under arrest at the exit of Catwoman’s maze?” Chief O’Hara asked.

“That’s correct.”

“Why did you wait to arrest them until then?” Commissioner Gordon asked.

“I guessed the media had been alerted. It seemed like an opportunity to get some good press for the department and let our citizens see their police in action.”

“I’ve been getting some questions from the press about the condition of those prisoners,” the Commissioner said.

“What kind of questions?”

“They’ve been asking about bruises, Lieutenant,” Chief O’Hara said.

“I understand there was a fight with Batman and Robin.”

“How did you get out of Catwoman’s maze?” Commissioner Gordon asked.

“Robin had convinced Catwoman to let us out, but before she could, Vixen guided us to the exit.”

“Willingly?” Chief O’Hara asked.

“She, Eenie and Jack O’Shea were in there with us. I explained we would be keeping a close eye on them until they were in custody. Once they realized we would not let them out of our sight, they cooperated.”

Commissioner Gordon and Chief O”Hara looked at one another and the Commissioner nodded. “I think you did your job well, Lieutenant,” he said. “It might have been better to arrest the criminals immediately upon capturing them, though. In the future, I’d like to keep ugly rumors about my officers out of the press. This time, however, we can manage their speculation easily enough.”

“Of what did the press accuse me?” Lieutenant Mooney asked.

“Nothing we’d believe of you,” Chief O’Hara said.

“They think you had your squad beat the route through the maze out of those crooks,” a new voice said. ”Personally, I really don’t see the problem with that. They’re crooks. They deserved it. The only reason there are so many crooks in Gotham City is you cops are such weenies.” The police whirled toward the open window where Badgirl regarded them, grinning wickedly.

“Is that Batgirl?” Chief O’Hara asked.

“Batgirl?” Commissioner Gordon began. Then he stopped. “She seems to have adopted another new look.”

In the past Batgirl had briefly worn a gray outfit with gold gloves and boots to match the bat emblem on her chest. At that time, she had dyed her hair red and accessorized with a utility belt buckle depicting a stand-alone Batgirl signal on a separate piece and a dark blue cape.

For another case, she had dispensed with the cape altogether and affected a one-piece, flexible kevlar, black outfit that had wrapped her body from neck-to-toe and hugged her every curve like a second skin. A big, blood-red bat emblem had been emblazoned across her chest and a magenta, Green Hornet-like mask had concealed her face. She had also cut her hair short. Her boots had a military style and their steel toes were part of the weaponry the outfit had featured. Her other easily accessible weapons had been the steel caps on the knuckles of her leather gloves and the seven hertz electro-static pistol worn at the hip on her utility belt.

Her other capeless costume had never been seen it Gotham City. It was designed to camouflage her in snow and was much thicker than her normal, lurex costume. The boots had square heels with added tread and the costume’s fabric, utility belt, bat emblem, and cowl were all also pure white.

The purple-clad picture of pulchritude perched prettily in the window of Police Headquarters had Batgirl’s cowl and belt, but no golden bat decorated her chest and the bat emblem on an ovular shield at her waist had been replaced by a gleaming clown face.

“Is that really you, Batgirl?” Lieutenant Mooney asked.

“I’m Badgirl, now,” the capeless cutie said, “and I’ve changed sides, but I still have some Bat-Gas.” She flicked three capsules to the top of the Commissioner’s desk and turned her head as the gas overcame the officers.

While they were helpless, the beautiful bad girl slid from the windowsill and set Chief O’Hara on his back along the couch in front of the Commissioner’s closed circuit television. She lay Lieutenant Mooney on top of the Chief on her back in the opposite direction. Commissioner Gordon was stacked face down on top of her with their heads close together. Badgirl used handcuffs to shackle the men’s opposite wrists and ankles together. Mooney’s wrists and ankles were also manacled outside her superiors’ restraints so that she was trapped, sandwiched between them.

“What’s gotten into you, Batgirl?!” Commissioner Gordon asked once she had revived them with Bat-Awake.

“You’ll see,” she said. As Batgirl spoke, she seated herself at the Commissioner’s desk and stretched her legs, resting her heels on top of it. “Any second now.”

The office doors burst open quite suddenly. “Good evening, friends! It’s the Joker!” the Joker announced as he swept into the room. He then saw what Badgirl had done to the officers of the law. “WOW! What a reception! Nice work, gorgeous.” He turned to Badgirl’s captives. “Comfy?”

Lieutenant Mooney turned her head from Badgirl to the Joker, glaring. “Let me out of here!” she demanded.

“I don’t think so, Lieutenant,” Badgirl said. “I’m surprised you’re unhappy with your position. Don’t you want to score with your bosses?”

“Batgirl knows I was promoted through merit and so do my superiors!”

“If you say so,” Badgirl said absently. “If you want to stick with your story, I won’t contradict it, friend.”

“Batgirl is my friend,” Diana Mooney said. “I don’t know you."

“Ain’t she the greatest?” the Joker asked. “I was so pleased when she agreed to join my gang. You can’t imagine. Oh, I found a package for Commissioner Gordon on his secretary’s desk before she fell asleep.” He handed a package to Badgirl and began to rifle through the Commissioner’s file cabinets.

“What is this, I wonder?” Badgirl said mischievously. She tore the package open and pulled out a set of Batcuffs and a cassette tape.

“Should we give it a listen, boss?” Badgirl asked.

“Before this happened, I wouldn’t have imagined Batgirl associating with the likes of you, Joker,” Commissioner Gordon said, before the Clown Prince of Crime could respond to his assistant’s question.

“That’s Badgirl, with a ‘d,’” the purple-clad woman announced.

“Begorra!” Chief O’Hara exclaimed.

A sudden realization struck Lieutenant Mooney. “Joker’s done something to Batgirl! Something like what Archie Arcane did to me with Black Widow’s brain short circuiter! Or maybe she’s under the influence of some drug, like the Metamorphosis Formula or cataphrenic!”

Badgirl glared at the other woman. “Boss, is there anything in those files about how to tie a Siamese Human Knot? They’re starting to annoy me and I’d like to make sure they suffer before they die.”

“I’ll keep my eyes open, dear. Now, go ahead and show them the pictures. Then you can play the tape.”

“Sure,” Badgirl said, rising and pulling out the photos of Miss Phelps and spreading them on the coffee table for the police leaders to examine.

“Saint’s preserve us! Her face is illuminated by a flame!”

“The light is from an acetylene torch,” Badgirl informed them. “Joker is a cut above the rest, don’t you think?”

“No. What do you want, Batgirl?” Commissioner Gordon asked.

“I want to hear this tape,” she announced and slid it into a stereo system in a cabinet close to the Commissioner’s closed circuit television.

“Meeeeeoooooow!” The tape continued after a few moments of silence. “This is Catwoman, purring in your ears. Be warned! If Policewoman Diana Mooney crosses my path again, I’ll kill her without compunction or hesitation. Please pass the same message along to Batman, Batwoman, Batgirl and their pet birdies. I’m quite serious, but you’ll all find that out soon enough. Meeeeeoooooow!” The voice on the tape chuckled, laughed for a long moment and went silent.

“If you work for Joker, why are you delivering messages for Catwoman, Batgirl?” Chief O’Hara asked.

“That’s Badgirl!“ she angrily repeated. “Right now, I work for Joker and I want you to shut up and let Joker and me get on with our plan!” She stood regarding her captives with her legs spread to shoulder width and let her hands settle on her shapely hips.

“What are you planning?” Mooney demanded. “Is your hostage still alive?”

“For now,” Badgirl said.

Gordon threatened, “If you harm her in any way–”

“Okay! Here we go!” the Joker enthused, interrupting.

Badgirl looked over the Joker’s discovery. “Yes! It’s only going to get worse for you guys. Joker just found the Siamese Human Knot directions.”

“I saved you from one of those things once,” Lieutenant Mooney said. “Remember?”

“Absolutely! It nearly killed me.” Badgirl crouched beside Lieutenant Mooney and allowed her lips to nearly brush the captive’s ear as she spoke. “Perhaps you’ll be so kind as to tell the Commish and the Chief what they should be prepared to endure.”

The Joker cleared his throat. “Badgirl,” he said, “I like your cop sandwich too much to try that wacky human knot. Tell me, do you recognize this?” He set a tiny jar of purple pellets on top of the file cabinet.

“No torture at its most bizarre and terrible?” Badgirl said, pouting.

“No. It’s time to warn Fatman and the Boy Blunder they will get seriously killed if they try and stop us from collecting the rest of the money I’m owed.” The Joker brought his jar across the room and gave his new girl an affectionate squeeze as he indicated the Batphone.

“Sure thing, Joker,” Badgirl said. She favored him with a wicked grin and sashayed across the room to uncover the phone. Then she jabbed the call button.

In the sidecar of the Batcycle, in response to the flashing red phone, Robin picked up the receiver. “Yes, Commissioner?”

“This isn’t the Commissioner, Robin.”

“Batgirl, is that you?”

“From now on, you can call me Badgirl.”

“Badgirl?”

“Shut up and listen carefully. The Joker just asked me to call you and say he’ll kill you and your boss if you interfere with our plans.”

“You and the Joker?”

“You got it, Caped Copper!”

“Just what do you plan to do?”

“Oh, I don’t know whether I’m supposed to tell you. How about this? I’ll tell Gordon here and we’ll hope he tells you before he dies,” Badgirl suggested, laughing. “Bye bye.” She hung up and covered the Batphone again. “How was that, boss?”

“It should bring the Dynamic Dumb Dumbs racing to their destruction, my dear. We’d best be going!” the Joker said with an exuberant laugh.

Badgirl returned to the Joker and examined the jar he had produced. “Ah, you told me about this,” Badgirl announced. She knelt beside Commissioner Gordon and Lieutenant Mooney’s heads. “This jar is airtight,” she explained until the Joker’s hand fell on her shoulder. She glanced up at the Clown Prince of Crime.

“Explaining the victims’ demise is not the henchwoman’s job,” the Joker said.

“Describing the deathtrap would be a new experience for me, though.”

“I’ll make it up to you, kid.”

“We’ll celebrate?”

“Only if this gets Batman.”

“A little trouble in the gang, Joker?” Chief O’Hara asked. “It’s important to make your subordinates respect the chain of command.”

“Shut up!” the criminal couple said simultaneously.

“As Badgirl was saying,” the Joker began, “the jar is air-tight. Before we leave, we’ll arrange for the seal to break. When that happens, the new and improved Joker Jelly inside will start to expand.” He stopped to gage the horrified looks on his intended victims’ faces. He frowned and went on. “This expansion will be exponential and grow more quickly as it continues. Ultimately, your entire office will be filled, making a tomb for the three of you, as well as for Batman and Robin, who should be racing to the rescue as we speak!” Joker explained. He and Badgirl laughed.

“Hey! I just thought of something!” Badgirl commented once their mirth had subsided, “This time, a jelly doughnut will eat the cops!” She laughed at her analogy and the Joker joined her.

“Now, I was thinking of just throwing the jar to the floor and shattering it. Do you have a more interesting way to break the seal, Badgirl?”

“I think so,” she said. She crouched beside the jar on the coffee table and pulled something from her belt. She applied a drop of liquid from the container she had taken from her belt to the lid of the jar. Slowly, a wisp of smoke began to rise from the jar and a hiss heralded the liquid bubbling on top. “That’s Bat-Acid. It’s very potent. So potent, in fact, that it will eat through in a matter of seconds.”

“Perfect, my lovely! Lead on!” Laughing delightedly, the Harlequin of Hate and his pretty, purple partner made their way to the door. “Don’t forget to watch the news tonight, coppers . . . that is, if you’re still alive! Bye!”

“Farewell – forever! Give Batman our regards,” Badgirl called. Once the echoes of their voices and their laughter died, the hiss of Badgirl’s acid eating at the lid to the Joker’s jar was the only remaining sound.

The Dynamic Duo was climbing from the Batcycle as the criminal couple reached the street.

“There they are, Batman,” Robin said, pointing. “Holy Mata Hari! It is Batgirl!”

“Badgirl,” the Drugged Darling corrected. “Wanna play, Boy Wonder?”

“We are placing both you under arrest,” Batman announced.

“Not before I pound you into pulp, mash you to mush, and break every bone in both of your bodies, you won’t,” Badgirl said, cocking her head to one side with a smile. “And I doubt you will after that, either!”

“We’re on a schedule, baby,” the Joker reminded her. “We have to play dress-up with Miss Phelps and broadcast our demands to the Gladiators.”

“It won’t take long to polish them off,” Badgirl confidently said. “Batman and Robin don’t fight women they way they fight men. I have every advantage and no intention of holding back. Come on, boys. Let’s get it on!” She settled into a fighting stance with a smile illuminating her face.

“The choice is yours, Batman,” the Joker said. “Go through her to arrest me, or rescue the cops being entombed in Gordon’s office as we speak!” The green-haired ghoul laughed uproariously.

“That’s no choice, you foul fiend!” Batman and Robin threw Bat-Ropes to the roof of Police Headquarters and began to scale the wall.

“HELP!” a terrified cry came from above, as if on cue.

“Next time, Caped Crumbs,” Badgirl said.

“Time to go, gorgeous,” the Joker said. They dashed to the Jokermobile as the Dynamic Duo reached the Commissioner’s office window.

“Robin could have fought me, but he’s chicken because he knows I’d kick his . . .” Badgirl’s voice died away as the car disappeared. Echoes of the criminal couple’s laughter lingered.

Bonnie, Commissioner Gordon’s secretary, stumbled groggily into the Commissioner’s office as the Dynamic Duo climbed through the window. Her eyes widened as she spotted Lieutenant Mooney sandwiched between her superiors. Then, she spotted the gelatinous blob threatening to engulf them and screamed.

“Get out of here, Bonnie! Robin and I will take care of this,” Batman said. “See to the captives, chum. I’ll deal with the Joker’s jelly.”

Robin crossed the office and took a Batcuff key from his utility belt. He slid it into the locks of the three pairs of handcuffs restraining one side of the police sandwich on the couch. He moved to the other end, opened the remaining locks and helped Commissioner Gordon from the pile of police. As Robin returned to the captives, Lieutenant Mooney was reaching up toward him. Once he had lifted her from the couch and set her on her feet, he realized the Commissioner was helping Chief O’Hara stand behind the couch. Commissioner Gordon’s heroic gesture was just as well, since Diana Mooney had taken hold of both of Robin’s hands and clung tightly to them.

“You saved me again, Robin,” she said quietly, so as not to be overheard. “Thank you.”

“Thanks aren’t really necessary,” he said. “It’s all part of the job.” She made no move to release him. “You’ve come a long way, Lieutenant, since Batman helped us out of Catwoman’s electrified maze.”

“You’ve grown up since then, too,” she said. They gazed into each other’s eyes, sharing a moment unnoticed by everyone else in the room. “Listen. After two people have faced death together, there is no need to be so formal, Robin,” she said gently.

Meanwhile, Batman was aiming a Bat-Compressed air gun at the still-growing blob of jelly. He fired and favored his companions with a rare smile, as the jelly froze solid.

Years ago, Dr. Shivel had conducted devilish experiments with instant freeze solutions. Batman had tracked him to his laboratory and accidentally changed him into the villain known as Mr. Freeze. Today, the frozen fiend’s sinister solutions were no threat to Gotham City because Batgirl had cured his condition while fighting his attempt to make her just like him.

“I always suspected this instant freeze formula would be an invaluable crime-fighting tool,” the Caped Crusader said. “It is a mistake to assume our arch enemies’ quirks can never be used against their colleagues.”

“Thank you, Caped Crusader,” Commissioner Gordon said. “I’m sure dire deathtraps like that are old hat for you, but it was a new experience for me!”

Chief O’Hara picked up the phone on the desk. “I want the boys from the crime lab up here pronto in protective gear with a portable vacuum chamber.” He put the phone down. “I’d better wait for them outside,” he said.

“I’ve been utterly thoughtless!” Commissioner Gordon said. “Bonnie will be terrified.” He and the Chief stepped into the outer office.

“I think there is some data in the Batcave that will help with the analysis,” Batman said and moved to confer with Alfred on the Batphone.

As the men Chief O’Hara had summoned arrived to do their jobs, Robin steered Lieutenant Mooney into a chair across the room. “Tell me what happened from the beginning, Diana,” Robin said. Diana Mooney told the story. “So, Joker will be on the news tonight. That probably means he’ll override all the news broadcasts. If we’re going to stop him, we don’t have much time.”

“I’m more worried about Batgirl than a newscast,” Lieutenant Mooney said. “She’s my friend and I know she would never side with the Joker against us if she were in control of herself. Something is very wrong.”

“You’re right, Diana,” Robin confirmed. “No doubt Joker has exposed her to cataphrenic. It’s too bad Bat-Antidote pills have to be taken immediately before exposure to be effective as a prophylactic. You can rest assured, though, that we’ll do everything in our power to separate Batgirl from the Joker. She’s our friend, too. Can you think of anything else that might help us?”

“Joker and Badgirl left some photographs strewn on the coffee table. They’re under that blob of Joker Jelly.”

“Any minute now,” Batman said. He had used some of the supplies the lab technicians had brought to study the Joker Jelly to mix a compound he poured over the frozen substance. “This compound, which I mixed with the aid of data from the Batcomputer, should change the Joker Jelly to harmless water.” he explained.

“Batman, Lieutenant Mooney said Joker left some photos on the coffee table that might give us a clue as to where he is,” Robin said.

“I’ll use the Bat-Laser to cut the photos free.” He was as good as his word and obtained permission to take the photos to the Batcave for analysis.

Less than half an hour later, the Dynamic Duo was hard at work in the Batcave. “Not much here, Batman,” Robin said glumly as he flipped through the photos. “His victim is from the marketing department of the Gotham Gladiators.”

“Let’s have the Batcomputer take a look at those, Robin.”

He handed over the pictures and watched Batman feed them into the computer.

“What else do you think the pictures will tell us?”

“They reveal more than you might imagine, chum. I can see the corner of a sign through that window,” he explained, pointing out the feature in one photograph.

“Any idea where the sign is?”

“As soon as the Batcomputer extrapolates what the sign says, we can get the location of all signs for that product in Gotham City. It’s a chore we could do with the naked eye through observation, but the computer can do it faster and query existing data against the Bat-Relational Database Array. We should have our answer in just a moment.”

“Holy Wake-Up Call!” Robin exclaimed while snatching the card with the answer. “It’s a Krespies Coffee mechanical billboard! Catwoman used one of those percolators to try to shower us with sulfuric acid on the roof of the Gotham City Chimes Building.”

“Yes. That trap was a chilling climax to the sinister student rally she led while taking college criminology classes seven years ago.” A bell alerted Batman to more output, which he took from the Batcomputer. “The Batcomputer has just finished querying the Bat Commercial/Criminal Cross Referencing Database. This card tells us there is another mechanical billboard for Krespies Coffee within sight of the One-Armed Bandit Novelty Company!”

“That’s it!” Robin exclaimed, slamming his fist into his palm. “Joker used that company as a front when he recruited students from Woodrow Roosevelt High School for his Bad Penny gang!”

“He made the insidious lure of easy money even more seductive and compelling, persuading those young men to drop out.”

“Gosh yes,” Robin agreed. “My friend Susie was one of his Bad Pennies back then. I’m glad we were able to save her life and convince her to continue her studies. At GSU, she’s starting to realize the potential she showed in high school as captain of the cheerleaders.”

“You’re right, old chum. As is often the case, lives depend upon our success. Let’s go!”

Meanwhile, Harley Quinn, once again dressed in civilian clothes, backed her truck into place beside the Coventry Branch of the Gotham City Library. She paused one last time to consult Elvina’s file. “Wow!” Harley mused. “Barbara Gordon recommended her for this job.”

The conniving clown closed the folder and set it on the seat beside her. She slid from the truck, a box and a bouquet of roses in hand, and approached the library. Inside, she found the woman for whom she was looking and approached with a smile.

“May I help you?” the librarian asked quietly.

“Are you Elvina?” Harley asked.

“Yes,” Elvina answered with a smile.

“I was hired to deliver these to ya’.”

“The roses are lovely. Who sent them?”

“I really can’t say. Perhaps the card will tell ya’. I think my customer also sent along lunch.”

“Follow me. Before you go, I’ll write a note to your client, thanking him.” Elvina picked up the lunch and flowers and pivoted toward a door. She grinned delightedly because the lunch was still warm. Then she paused. “Oh, I’m sorry. You probably have other deliveries to make. Do you have time to deliver my thank you note?”

“No problem,” Harley said. Both women entered the break room and Harley locked the door behind them. As Elvina sat down at the table, Harley moved to the window, leaned her hips against the sill and casually crossed her ankles.

“I wonder what the mystery man sent me to eat?” Elvina said as she opened the box. Gas exploded from the container and knocked her out almost instantly. Harley opened the window and used it to convey Elvina from the building to the nearby truck. Before driving away, she bound her unconscious captive.

A footstep and the click of the lock heralded a villain's return to the captives and six eyes stared fearfully at the door as it opened. Miss Phelps, Susie and Venus had spent their time thrashing vainly against their bonds and having their skin rubbed raw beneath their bindings. Their appearances were all ruined in the vain process of attempting escape.

Badgirl stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. She leaned against it and drank in the looks of terror the prisoners directed at her. “Time to play,” she said as a smile illuminated her pretty face. She took a step toward the prisoners and cocked her head to one side. “With whom shall I play first?” she asked rhetorically. “I wonder.” She stepped closer and stopped, putting her hands on her hips, letting her legs spread to shoulder width as she silently regarded each captive. The prisoners returned Badgirl’s curious look, as the henchwoman scrutinized the captives’ responses to the unknown threat.

Miss Phelps felt her heart pounding as the Joker’s wicked wench studied her. She could hear a breath she had not realized she was holding stream from her as she exhaled.

The prisoners’ terrible tormentor moved past them, out of their sight.

“You,” Badgirl said from behind all of them.

Which of the pretty prisoners had Badgirl indicated? What would the Joker’s cruel companion do to her?

A footstep made Miss Phelps’ heart skip a beat. Then she heard the sound of rope scraping against wood. The bonds fell from her wrists. Badgirl stepped into view and let Miss Phelps see the glint of a steel blade extending from her fist. The Joker’s leggy lackey knelt beside her and slashed Miss Phelps’ ankle bindings. Miss Phelps remained seated, rigid with fear.

“What are you waiting for?” Badgirl asked sweetly. “You’re free.”

‘Could Batgirl have been pretending to be bad all along?’ The look in her eyes told Miss Phelps she hadn’t.

The publicist stretched her arms and found fear had robbed her of the power of speech.

“It’s the knife, isn’t it?”

Miss Phelps remained silent.

“You’re wise to be cautious.” Badgirl expertly threw the knife into the doorframe, where it quivered. “There. Now, I’m unarmed.”

Miss Phelps managed to, just barely, find her voice. “You’re still wearing Batgirl’s belt,” she whispered, her eyes still locked on the oscillating blade.

“You’re right. I lied. You should run for it.” Miss Phelps raised herself to a standing position and took an experimental step. “RUN!”

Badgirl’s voice had the authority of a gunshot, sending Miss Phelps dashing toward the door. She reached for the knob and turned it, yanking back viciously. Nothing happened. The door was locked.

Badgirl was laughing as Miss Phelps turned breathlessly toward her. “Why are you doing this? Can’t you just leave us alone?” the captive asked. She started sobbing.

“Make me! I just gave you a knife.”

Miss Phelps looked at the still quavering blade with wide eyes. She sank helplessly to the floor.

Badgirl was suddenly in front of her as she raised her head. Amused laughter drew Miss Phelps gaze to Badgirl’s. “Don’t worry, Miss Phelps. You’re much too valuable to kill.”

“Really?” She dabbed at her tears ineffectively with her hands.

“Really,” Badgirl said reassuringly. “You represent a fortune the Joker will demand of the Gotham Gladiators. Yes, you are far too valuable to kill – for the moment.”

Miss Phelps knew Badgirl was toying with her emotions, but she could not help responding as her slim hopes for survival were dashed. “If you aren’t going to kill me now, why don’t you just leave me alone?” she wailed.

Badgirl laughed. “I can’t. Joker wants to put you on television and it’s time.” Miss Phelps felt something cold brush her cheek and was dimly aware of a hiss before she collapsed against Badgirl’s chest.

Susie and Venus watched as their titian-haired tormentor put the Bat-Sleep away on her hip, hoisted their companion to her shoulder, and plucked her knife from the door frame.

“I’ll be back for each of you,” Badgirl said, glancing over her shoulder.

“Joker is going to let her kill us!” Venus predicted as her eyes grew to the size of saucers.

“He can try,” Susie said. “Look at me, Venus.” Venus turned her face toward Susie. “Robin and Batman are scouring Gotham City for us right now and won’t rest until we’re safe.”

Badgirl paused in the open door to laugh. “The last time I saw Batman and Robin, they were stepping into Commissioner Gordon’s office, which Joker was turning into a tomb for the top cops. I expect they’ve been buried alive by now, but if they should prove to be as good at escaping from deathtraps as I am, they still have no idea you two are even missing. By the time anyone figures it out, you’ll be dead.”

Susie was defiant. “We’ll see about that!”

“Indeed! I’ll be back for you girls . . . soon,” Badgirl said ominously. “Don’t worry. Your turns are coming.”

“Oh my,” Venus fearfully said after the lock clicked audibly.

In the hall, Badgirl carried Miss Phelps past Harley Quinn, who was bringing the unconscious Elvina to the prisoners’ room. “You’d better hurry,” Badgirl advised. “Joker’s almost ready to go on the air.”

“I know. I’ll be ready by the time ya’ have Miss Phelps changed.”

“You’d better be,” Badgirl said, stepping through a door and closing it behind her.

“Ya’ have no idea how ready I am,” Harley darkly muttered as she unlocked the door from which her pretty partner had emerged, “or for what!”

“Are we on?” the Joker asked shortly thereafter. A nod from Badgirl confirmed he was. “Good evening, friends! It’s the Joker, coming to you live and nonexclusively from the undisclosed, secret location I call Joker Studios. You can change the channel if you want, but it won’t do you any good!” He paused to laugh. “Most of you are watching a channel that’s doing a newscast, warning everyone it’s going to rain. Don’t worry that you’re missing it! They’ll be going on about it all night, every half hour until tomorrow morning, when they’ll start talking about tomorrow night’s weather!” He concluded the thought with another laugh break.

“The reason I’ve interrupted everyone’s regularly scheduled programming is to talk sports. Specifically, I want to report on the peril in which I’ve placed one of your Gotham City Gladiators!” He went on laughing. “Harley, hit the lights.”

“Sure thing, Mr. J,” Harley Quinn called.

Badgirl switched the camera focus from the Joker to the now illuminated Miss Phelps, who was dressed in chain mail, from which her vest; skirt; breeches; and gauntlets were made. She also wore a helmet and stood on the deck of a scale model of a Roman ship.

“Now, zoom in on her face and net her. That’s right, folks! The gladiator in question is not the quarterback, a running back, a wide receiver, or the middle linebacker. It’s Miss Phelps, from the marketing department! Who, in this announcer’s humble opinion, looks good enough in that chain mail to be the team mascot! Team owner Ivor Moneybags had the chance to ask me about the marketing program or anything else earlier today when I applied to be a broadcaster. Now, of course, I can’t help them, because the Gladiators decided they didn’t even have a job opening–”

Suddenly, the Joker looked sharply at Badgirl, who had said something no microphone had picked up.

“What?” the Joker asked.

Badgirl repeated her observation.

“Folks, I’ve just been reminded that the team owner’s name is not, in fact, Ivor Moneybags, and that his views are not in the public domain after all. Anyway, I was invited to Coach Griggs charity lunch where the good people of Gotham City generously gave to my favorite charity – me! Oh, I should probably take this opportunity to thank all of you for your generosity.” The Joker favored the camera with an even larger than usual smile.

“The point is, I showed up to broadcast at the luncheon only to be told I didn’t get the job. In fact, they told me there wasn’t a job and that there never had been! Now, listen, folks. People have been telling me to get a job for years. This waste of my time is going to cost the Gladiators money! How much–?” Badgirl waved for the Joker to look at something on her computer screen. “Excuse me, folks.”

He walked over to Badgirl’s screen and switched off his microphone. “What is it now?” he demanded angrily. “You know I’m on the air!”

“Look at the Gladiators owner’s net worth,” Badgirl said. “Since I get a cut of this dough, I see no reason for us to short-change ourselves.”

The Joker’s eyes widened, as he looked at the figure his well-rounded wench’s research had revealed. His breath caught in his throat. “How much would he be worth if one of his teams ever won anything?” the Joker muttered. He glanced at Miss Phelps, who was lying on the deck of the model ship, still trapped beneath the heavy net. “Harley, prepare to sink our Amazon. Badgirl, raise the asking price for Miss Phelps to something more appropriate.”

“With pleasure, boss.”

“Ya’ got it, Puddin’.”

The Joker waved a hand at Harley. “Don’t call me that while I’m on the air!”

“You’re not on the air, boss,” Badgirl pointed out. “Your microphone is still switched off.”

The Joker glowered at his gorgeous gang, took a very deep breath, and slowly composed himself. He turned his microphone back on, then returned to his previous position and frowned at the camera. “Well, folks, one of my lovely assistants has just hacked the Gladiators owner’s financial records. I now know what many of you have long suspected: ownership has not been spending the money necessary to win . . . and speaking of money and ‘ships,’ . . . zoom out.” Badgirl followed her director’s instructions.

“If I am not paid the amount shown on the bottom of the screen, Miss Phelps will touch down on the bottom of that deep dunk tank in which you can see her vessel, the Amazon, floating. My reputation should leave no doubt as to the seriousness of this demand.”

As the Joker spoke, the picture pulled back to reveal what he had described. Harley Quinn was on display in her comely clown ensable beside a cannon at the edge of the water.

“I’m standin’ by, Mr. J.”

“Fire!” the Joker cried. Harley touched a match to a fuse extending from the cannon. Badgirl zoomed the camera in on it until the cannon exploded with a puff of white smoke.

“Direct hit!” Harley said excitedly.

“You shot from point blank range,” Badgirl said dismissively.

“It looks bad for our hostage, folks! But, take heart. The Amazon’s hold is full of rice that will soak up the water spilling through the boat’s shattered hull. While the rice soaks up the water, it will expand slowly. Of course, if the Gladiators wait too long to pay me, the boat will burst into kindling and their employee will sink to the bottom of the tank. If I’m not paid before that happens, it will just be too bad for her. My off-shore account number appears on your screen along with the necessary amount. Don’t worry. I’ll know when I’m paid.”

“Come on, girls,” the Joker invited. “We’ll take a bow for all the nice folks in TV Land before leaving the Gladiators to consider the horrific scene playing out before Gotham City’s eyes.” He laughed as Badgirl and Harley joined him in the camera’s field of view. The villains bowed.

“The only place you’re going is back to jail, Joker,” an authoritative voice boomed without the aid of a microphone.

“Jail is where you belong!” a second voice lectured.

“It’s Batman and Robin,” Badgirl said.

“Batman and Robin,” Harley Quinn repeated.

“Batman and Robin!” the Joker fumed. “Well, it looks like the good folks in TV Land will get to see Batman and Robin get their butts kicked by a couple of girls! They’re too gallant to fight them the way they would fight male thugs.”

“We’ll take care of ‘em, “ Harley assured the Green-Haired Gargoyle.

“Leave them to us,” Badgirl said confidently.

“I’ll man the camera. Now, stop bragging and start bashing!”

The henchwomen rushed at Batman and Robin, who separated and moved to sweep the women’s legs from beneath them.

“Jump!” Badgirl said. She and Harley Quinn took to the air and evaded the Dynamic Duo’s dual maneuver. Badgirl aimed a flying showgirl kick at Batman’s chin, but was disappointed he managed to turn his head to avoid it.

Harley fired a fist at Robin while she was in midair. Robin was able to grasp her wrist and swing her around and away from him.

Badgirl landed and turned to face the Caped Crusader. He instinctively clenched his fist and let it shoot upward at her, pulling it back just before the top of his knuckles impacted her chin. “Aren’t you going to hit me, Batman?” Badgirl taunted. “It’s your problem if you don’t, because I‘m going to hit you!” She proved it by firing both fists into his exposed ribs, hitting them with the force of twin pistons.

Batman tried to take in some air, but felt her hit him low. The impact made him double over.

Robin glanced at Harley, who was angrily picking herself up from where she had hit the floor, then he turned to Batman. His mentor was in trouble and the younger hero moved toward him.

“Look out!” Harley called.

Badgirl put her palms on Batman’s shoulder blades and leapfrogged over the Dark Knight. Robin hooked Badgirl’s leg with his ankle as she landed and dropped her to the floor on her butt. He moved in, but was taken by surprise when she leaned back, rested her weight on her hands and drew her knees to her chest.

He hesitated, but was it was too late and he was too close. She fired her heels into his groin, making him bend over with pain. Badgirl got her feet under her and raised a knee into Robin’s face, straightening him. His chin was the perfect target for the toe she snapped at him from her raised knee. He was out cold when he hit the floor.

The Caped Crusader had recovered somewhat when Harley reached him. She entwined her fingers and raised her hands, preparing to bring them down on the small of Batman’s back with bone-shattering force. Batman realized what she intended and dove at her ankles. Harley felt herself topple onto Batman’s back and begin sliding to the floor. She unlaced her fingers and clawed desperately at one of Batman’s ankles, trying to rip if from beneath him. Somehow, she succeeded and felt him collapse beneath her.

Badgirl crossed to the other combatants and swung her leg at Batman’s fallen side. Harley smiled as she regained her feet and duplicated the attack on the hero’s other side. On the floor, laying between the Joker’s henchwomen, a look of exquisite pain registered on Batman’s face. Harley and Badgirl glanced at one another, grinned wolfishly, and turned baleful gazes upon their injured opponent.

“Shall we?” Harley asked.

“Let’s!” Badgirl suggested.

The Joker focused in as his malfeasant minions crouched beside their intended victim and began causing Batman even more pain. Their efforts were rewarded by laughter from their leader and groans from their victim. Presently, Batman blacked out with a gasp.

The Joker clamped down the camera and delightedly danced around in front of it. “Well, ladies and gentlemen, that just about concludes tonight’s broadcast. I must say, here tonight my gorgeous gals struck more blows for female equality than Annika Sorenstam!” A cacophony ensued.

Then the Joker turned serious, deadly serious. “So, if the Gladiators harbored any illusions about the Dynamic Duds rescuing dear Miss Phelps, I’d say those delusions have been dashed. Remember, time is of the essence. The rice is ticking, so to speak. This is the Joker, signing off.” Laughter sounded for a second before the broadcast ended and viewers were returned to their regularly scheduled programs.

Tight bonds held Batman and Robin when the pounded pair recovered.

“They’re wakin’ up, Puddin’,” Harley Quinn reported.

“Yes,” the Joker agreed. “Fortunately, I’ve just completed the necessary preparations for their demise.” He laughed loud and long as he regarded his colorful cohorts in crime.

“At this point, I’d hate to waste time,” Badgirl said, sliding her arms around the Clown Prince of Crime.

“Quite right, dear,” he agreed. “Batman and Robin, you’ve been slotted for utter decimation. Perhaps you’ve realized you’re lying in a pair of oversized change trays in a couple of my gigantic slot machines.”

“Last time we dealt with one of your slot machines, you nearly electocuted us with 50,000 volts of electricity!” Robin said.

“You do have the most rotten good luck!” Joker complained. “If there had been a power surge instead of a power outage--"

“Luck is often a surprisingly effective weapon in the ongoing war against crime,” the Dark Knight revealed.

“Oh, but my doomed do-gooders, I’ve got something very different in mind for you this time. No electricity is required, unless you count the sparks between my help and me! Harley and Badgirl put on quite a show, bending over and tying you two up, believe you me!” the Joker said. The villains laughed.

“Just how do you plan to finish them off, Mr. J?” Harley inquired.

“I’m so glad you asked! You’ve bound our captives beneath the change chutes in a couple of my one-armed bandits, and, just like the ‘legitimate’ casinos, I’ve put in the fix! Before we leave, each of you will pull on one of those two levers. The odds are very much in favor that the machines will come up all jokers! The resulting jackpot will spill on top of the Dynamic Dunderheads!” As the Joker spoke his body quivered with irrepressible mirth. Eventually, he could contain the coming crescendo no longer.

As the Joker laughed, Badgirl picked up the explanation. “So, coin after coin will come pelting down on top of them, until they’re totally pulverized.” She began to laugh with her criminal leader.

Batman had been testing his bonds and quickly determined the ropes with which his former partner in crimefighting had bound them were knotted with professional efficiency. The situation was quite serious.

“Precisely!” the Joker enthused, once he had regained his ability to speak. “When this little arrangement is finished with them, their bodies will have been pummeled into reddish goo!”

Badgirl stepped forward and began to run her fingers lovingly over the lever that would drop the fiendish fortune into Robin’s lap. “Henchwomen everywhere will be jealous of me, and I just started this gig.”

“Ewww! That is so wild, Puddin’!” Harley Quinn said, quivering with laughter of her own. “They won’t be pretty after the jackpot hits them! Very funny.”

“Of course it’s funny! I came up with it!” the Joker said. Then, with some effort, he controlled himself and grinned at the comely clown. “It looks like Batman is all yours, Harley.”

“Joker,” Batman said, “you’ll pay for this, for what you’ve done to Batgirl, and for the condition of this other young lady you’ve led astray.”

“The name is Quinn, Bats – Harley Quinn.” She winked at him and joined Badgirl at the deadly levers. “Don’t ya' remember me? I’m hurt . . . but not as hurtin’ as you two are goin’ to be!”

“Doctor Quinzel,” Batman said quietly. Harley Quinn’s costume hid her identity quite well. He hadn’t made the connection before. “So, Joker,” Batman raged, “now you have to drug women to get them to work for you?”

“Sticks and stones, Batman – and as you die, you can contemplate the fact that the girls and I are just getting started! We hardly know each other. Badgirl and I haven’t even had time to get properly acquainted, but as soon as we’ve gotten rid of you two–”

“Then, what are we waitin’ for?” Harley Quinn demanded.

“I suppose it is time to be done with them,” the Joker said. “Goodbye, Batman and Robin. Forever! You may cash them out whenever you like, my dears.”

“Sure thing, Mr. J,” Harley said. “So long, suckers!”

“As you wish, boss,” Badgirl said. “Working with you guys was good, but working against you is so much better. The Joker pays and provides fringe benefits. Now, I’ll stop babbling. Bye!”

Harley caught Badgirl’s eye. “And a one . . . and a two . . . and a one, two–”

“Three!” Badgirl said and the Joker’s heinous henchwoman pulled back their levers and bowed to their victims, simultaneously touching their gloved fingers to their mouths and blowing farewell kisses. Then, together, they sashayed to either side of the Mad Mountebank of Mockery, who stood with his hands on his hips as he laughed with his head back. They leaned their heads on his shoulders and wound one arm each around his waist as the other arm waved cheerfully. The terrible trio turned as one, with the Joker taking Batman and Robin’s comely killers in his arms and crushing them against him. His fingers began dancing delicately along his shapely sycophants’ curves.

There was the sound of wheels spinning, then one right after the other, a joker locked into place on each machine. Then a second . . . and then the third.

Sirens went off on the machines. Then change began to drop on Batman and Robin’s chests, impacting them, bouncing away, and rolling randomly about the change trays. As more money fell, the tapping of coins hitting solid metal subsided into clinking, as falling coins collided with loose change. The Dying Duo was vaguely aware of a door closing and a lock clicking behind the exiting evildoers.

“We’ve got to get out of here, Batman!” Robin said.

“I’m sure a means of escape will present itself, chum. We’ll just have to recognize it when it does.”

“I hope you’re right, Batman.”

“So do I, Robin. So do I.”

“Who’s done what?” Harley asked.

“The Gotham Gladiators have met my price! I’m rich!!” The Joker laughed and hugged himself delightedly.

Badgirl cleared her throat. “Don’t you mean we’re rich, boss?”

The Joker stopped laughing and shot her a quizzical glance. Then he smiled broadly and began to laugh again. “Oh, of course I do. We’re rich!” He went on laughing until Badgirl favored him with a sideways smile and joined in the merriment.

“Hey!” Harley excitedly exclaimed. “Once you’ve dealt with your traitorous henchwomen, you’ll have accomplished your third bad deed in the same night!”

“You’re right! Batman and Robin pounded into oblivion, the Gotham Gladiators paying an enormous ransom, and my old henchwomen paying the ultimate price for their treachery. It’s exquisite!”

“If the Gladiators have paid, shouldn’t we give them back Miss Phelps?” Badgirl asked.

“Oh, we will. First, though, we have much more important things to do!”

“If we don’t honor our promises, Joker, no one will do business with us.”

“You’re starting to sound like your old self, Badgirl,” the Joker complained. “Anyone hoping to do business with us is a fool. Nothing is sacred. It’s time everyone realizes, ‘honesty does not pay!'”

“If you say so,” Badgirl said.

“I do say so, quite emphatically, in fact! Listen. If we dispose of my disloyal former henchwomen quickly, we may find time to release poor Miss Phelps before she drowns, but we have the money. That’s the most important thing.”

“Sounds good to me, Mr. J!” Harley Quinn agreed.

“I’ll get off my soapbox, Badgirl. Go get our victims, while Harley and I prepare their final arrangements.”

“Right, boss,” Badgirl said. As she sashayed out of sight, she reached for the Bat-Sleep at her hip.

Robin raised a shoulder and spilled some change from his chest. Coins were still cascading over him and he had begun to notice a difficulty in breathing. “I can shake some of this change off of my chest, Batman.”

“Good thinking,” Batman encouraged. Both knew Robin’s survival technique would only work for a short time. Once enough change piled up around them, there would not be a place into which the change on the victim’s chest could spill. The Caped Crusader had been pulling fiercely at his wrist bindings. “I’ve managed to twist one hand so that my palm faces upward.”

“How will that help us?”

“It may offer us a slim hope.”

“I don’t understand.”

Batman was intently watching the change fall, clink, and bounce. “It’s going to take some luck, but maybe . . . there.”

“What happened?”

“I have a coin in my hand now. If I can work it into position between my fingers and cut at the ropes–”

“That might work!”

“Let’s hope so, old chum.”

Shortly thereafter, Badgirl woke Susie, Elvina, and Venus from their Bat-Sleep induced slumber and melted into the shadows behind them.

“Where are we?” Elvina demanded. “What’s going on?”

“We’ve all been kidnaped,” Venus explained, “and the Joker is going to kill us.”

“How? Freezing us to death? Wait a minute,” Susie said. “We’re outside, on a roof, and it’s getting late.”

Looking around, the Joker’s prisoners discovered they were kneeling and bound to metal poles with their wrists crossed behind their backs and lashed to their ankles.

“Well met by moonlight once again, ladies,” the Clown Prince of Crime intoned, stepping into view. “I will explain, but first, let me say it’s lovely to see all of you again.”

“I wish I could say the same,” Susie said glumly. She leaned forward, straining at her bonds and recalling her past with the Joker. “Eight years ago, I was a head cheerleader with stars in my eyes and a skull full of mush between my ears. You made a life of easy living sound almost heavenly when you recruited me into your Bad Penny gang. I was wrong about everything then, especially you!”

“Batman showed you the path back to the straight and narrow,” the Joker mocked, “didn’t he, Sweet Sue?”

“You bet he did! I’d follow him along it again in a heartbeat, too! Back then you tried to kill me. So, I gave away your entire plot to Batman, and I’m more proud of having done that than of anything else I’ve done in my life!”

“Well, my dear,” the Joker said, “you’re about to realize the high cost of that decision. It’s been a long time coming.” Then the Joker laughed.

“Let us go, Joker!” Venus said. “When Batman learns what you’re planning to do with us, nothing in the world will be able to save you.”

“If only that were true, lovely Venus,” the Joker replied, “but Batman and Robin are cashing in their chips as we speak. You may have fallen in love with him while we perpetrated my Zodiac crimes, but neither of you can help the other now. In fact, Batsy doesn’t have a clue you’re even here!” The Joker threw his head back and laughed.

“He is the greatest detective in the world.”

“Maybe,” the Joker conceded. Then he laughed. “He won’t be for much longer, though!”

She stared at him coldly.

“You’re forgetting Batgirl!” Elvina said. “She steered me out of a life of crime and made me proud to testify against you and put you behind bars where you belong!”

“I thought you liked me, Elvina,” the Joker protested sarcastically.

“So did I. Then, Batgirl helped me see what a monster you really are! You’ll try to kill us, but Batgirl will save us!“

“Not likely,” Badgirl said, stepping into view. “Batgirl isn’t home anymore. Now, I’m Badgirl, with a ‘d’, and I am so good when I’m bad.” Badgirl laughed.

“This is my newest recruit,” the Joker said, sliding an arm around Badgirl’s waist. ”You’ve all met Harley Quinn, of course.”

“Pleased to meet’cha again,” the comely kidnapper said, joining her boss in the moonlight.

“Why did you kidnap us, Ms. Quinn?” Elvina asked.

“I wanted to give Mr. J the chance to settle the differences he has with the lot of ya’ once and for all!” Harley explained.

“What are you talking about? Why do you care?”

“She thinks we all betrayed Joker to Batman and the police, and that he should kill us for it,” Venus said.

“That’s insane!” Elvina said. “Of course, Joker is nuts, so he’s going along with her plan.”

“I’ve known the Joker was sick for a long time,” Susie said. “Now I know how sick he really is!”

“Hey!” Harley said. “Puddin’, let me at ‘em! I’ll rough ‘em up a bit before ya’ finish ‘em off!”

“I think it’s time we just got rid of them,” Badgirl said, “and moved on to more important,” she favored the Joker with a smile, “and pleasurable, things.” She turned to the prisoners. “You’ve all been bound to flagpoles–”

“Badgirl, please!” the Joker protested.

“Sorry, boss. I’m so used to being in the deathtrap.”

“I know, baby, and you’re quite right. My shiniest bad penny, my brightest star, and the Christmas present I’ve had the most pleasure unwrapping, have all been prepared for a shockingly fatal experience.” The Joker’s voice grew low and menacing. “It looks like you’re all in for a spell of nasty weather.”

“There’s a storm brewing,” Badgirl said, pointing to the looming dark clouds on the horizon.

“Say! Aren’t those flagpoles also the antennae for your broadcast studio, Puddin’?” Harley Quinn asked.

“Quite right, Harley. They will also attract a few lightning bolts when the storm hits.”

“How can you do this to us, you sicko?” Venus demanded.

“It’s been years since any of us have even seen you,” Elvina concurred.

“Or even thought of you,” Susie chimed in.

“You were a little young for the fond memories the others have of me, Sweet Sue.”

“Well, at least you weren't that sick," Susie admitted softly. She continued more loudly, ". . . at least, back then!”

“You’re all about to become memories. Right, Joker?”

“Certainly, Badgirl. The electricity from the lightning will cook each of my former molls to a charcoaled crisp in a matter of seconds. Turn the spotlights on them. I don’t want anyone in Gotham City to miss their execution.”

“Right, boss,” she said. The red-haired rogue stepped into the space among the bound beauties and squatted to reach the spotlight switch. The Joker grinned and felt Harley Quinn’s muscles tense and her body press more closely against him. As they expectantly watched, purple-gloved fingers wrapped around the switch and pulled. “Now,” Badgirl said, anticipating the blinding glow that would display the Joker’s ex-molls’ execution for all of Gotham City.

Suddenly, Badgirl felt an electrical shock traverse the nerves of her fingers. The sensation ran up her arms to her shoulders and spread over her entire body in less than a second. When the shock reached her feet, she felt her leg muscles fail. She dropped to her knees before her shoulders fell back on the moonlit roof. Her arms come to rest, splayed away from her shoulders.

“A joke, Joker?” Badgirl gasped.

“Not exactly, my bad little beauty! I’m afraid our arrangement wasn’t working out, so I rigged that switch with the latest variation of my lethal Joker buzzer!”

“What . . . what do you mean . . . our arrangement w-wasn’t w-working?” she stammered.

“I brought you into this gang as a henchwoman, but in situation after situation, I’ve had to hold you back, when you started acting as if you were in charge!”

Badgirl stared at her former employer and his luscious lieutenant with narrowed eyes.

The Green-Haired Ghoul continued. “I’d been looking forward to getting better acquainted with you since I left you for Catwoman’s drug to transform, but I’ve come to realize you don’t know how to behave. I needed you to be a team player, but you’ve proven to be a glory hog. It’s too bad and I want you to know how really sorry I am.” He smiled at his waylaid wench and pulled Harley Quinn closer to him. “On the other hand, for me, all’s well that ends well!”

“I know I can’t complain, Puddin’,” Harley gushed.

“Oh, neither can I, my dear. Unfortunately, it seems Badgirl’s beautiful body completed a sinister circuit when my rather shocking gag was engaged. Already, voluntary muscular actions over her entire body have been suspended. Soon, all of her muscles will be reduced to the consistency of jello,” he explained with a laugh. “Badgirl will never be able to stand again!”

“Well, won’t the lightning get her first?” Harley asked. “She collapsed on that metal plates to which the flagpole sleeves are welded.”

“The buzzer will finish her before the lightning. Look!” The Joker pointed at his latest victim and everyone could plainly see how her body was shaking.

“This version effects the muscles. Her pulse rate will gradually slow, then the operation of her heart’s chambers will become unsynchronized. Blood will continue to fill each chamber until the organ’s capacity is reached . . . and ultimately exceeded!”

“I can guess what will happen then!” the medical doctor squealed happily.

“Yes, Harley! Her heart will explode!” the Joker said with a flourish and a delighted laugh.

“S-So, J-Joker, you . . . p-plan to literally . . . break my heart?” Badgirl managed to ask.

“Oh yes!” the Joker confirmed. He laughed maniacally. “Funny, aren’t I?”

“N-No!”

“You’re starting to seem even more like your old self!” the Joker fumed. Then, he snapped his fingers and laughed. “Wait a minute! Harley, reach over to her belt and carefully get out a Universal Bat-Antidote pill and put it in her mouth. It will counteract Catwoman’s drug, just before my buzzer finishes its lethal work. Oh, it’s delicious! Batgirl returns briefly, just before her ultimate termination! I’m truly sorry this is necessary, Badgirl. Why couldn’t you just keep your mouth shut and know your role like a good henchwoman?”

“B-Brains m-might . . . have something to do with it!” Badgirl was able to acidly answer. She groaned, then continued. “And I th-think . . . I outshone your other recruit there!”

“Hey!” Harley Quinn protested. She dug into a pouch on Badgirl’s utility belt and extracted the pill.

The Joker went on laughing uproariously at his latest brainstorm and turned his attention to his other victims. “Now, you all have until the storm gets here to enjoy Batgirl’s final moments. I will treasure the memories I had with each of you. Oh, and by the way, when I join you on the other side, please be prepared to tell me if white lightning really is the biggest thrill of all!”

“Batgirl’s all set, Mr. J.”

“Good work, kid. Come over here.”

“Don’t ya’ want me to hit the lights?”

“That won’t be necessary. That was just a ruse to set up the trap for Badgirl.”

“Oh.”

“Good night, ladies. Stay dry if you can.”

“Have a hot time,” Harley Quinn said, waving as she slid into her man’s arms.

“Harley, I loved your surprise,” the Joker said as they walked away, turning his attention to his partner in crime.

“Prove it!” He kissed her. “Do ya’ know what I especially like about it?” she asked.

“Tell me,” the Joker said, pulling her closer to him.

“I end up with you and you end up with me.” Harley glanced balefully back at the doomed women. ”Finally, all of my competition gets fried.”

“You know, Harley,” the Joker murmured with his lips close to her ear. “I think that’s the best part, too. Now, let’s got out of here.”

They left through the rooftop access door, arm in arm. When they had gone, the bound beauties stared at the approaching storm clouds as Batgirl’s convulsions continued.

A short time later, Robin had managed to maneuver a coin between his fingers and was working at his bonds when he heard the mound of coins burying Batman shift. “Batman!” he called.

“I’ve got my hand free!” Batman yelled. Robin heard another shift beneath the nearby mound of money. “I’ve managed to retrieve a knife from my utility belt!” More noise sounded from the mound of coins before Batman burst free and crossed to Robin. The red-breasted hero felt his legs and arms freed before he was lifted from the trap.

“Thanks, Batman.”

“You’re welcome. We have to hurry if we’re going to save the woman Joker kidnaped from the Gotham Gladiators.”

“Right! Where is she?”

“I don’t know. We’ll have to split up and search.”

Still restrained on the deck of the Amazon, Miss Phelps could see rice beginning to burst through the seams of the deck. “Help!” she cried. She could hear footsteps pounding toward her from two directions. “Help!” she repeated.

The Dynamic Duo appeared as the Amazon exploded beneath her. She felt herself begin to descend into the rice, kindling, and water below. She inhaled as deeply as she could before the water in the dunk tank closed above her head. Hands slid through her underarms and dragged her upward, back into the air.

“Are you all right, Miss?” Robin asked as he and Batman dragged her to safety.

Miss Phelps exhaled, coughed, began to breath, and nodded. “I’m fine. Thank you Batman and Robin.”

“We’ll take you to safety as soon as possible, Miss,” Batman said. “That camera is still recording even though Joker stopped broadcasting. That foul fiend may be aware you’re now safe, and return to finish what he started.”

“Why?” the bewildered former hostage asked.

“Only Joker really knows,” Robin answered. “We’d better get you out of here."

“I’m ready – any time,” Miss Phelps said.

The Dynamic Duo had no idea of the drama being played out above them. It was starting to rain as they reached the Batcycle. Robin climbed behind his mentor and Miss Phelps rode in the sidecar as they made their way to Police Headquarters.

Susie, Elvina, and Venus looked fearfully at the approaching storm clouds as the rain began to fall.

“How long do you think we’ll last?" Elvina asked.

“The waiting should be the worst part,” Venus said. “It was the last time.”

“You’ve done this before,” Susie said. “It must have been horrible, waiting helplessly to die.”

“It would have been much worse if I hadn’t been chained to Batman,” Venus said. “He is so confident he and his friends will survive these situations.”

“I wish we could be as confident,” Elvina said.

“I suppose it was quick for Batgirl,” Susie said, glancing at the crumpled heroine, whose body lay still in the center of the antennae.

The rain grew harder.

“It’s so cold.” Elvina said.

“She moved!” Venus said.

“Who?” Elvina said.

“Batgirl!”

"She’s dead by now,” Susie said. “You’re imagining things.”

“No!” Venus said. “Watch.” They all stared at Batgirl’s prone form as the rain saturated her outfit.

Elvina shivered with something other than cold as lightning illuminated the sky and thunder rolled over Gotham City.

The moan from Batgirl was almost inaudible.

“You’re right, Venus!” Susie said. “Batgirl moved!”

“She’s alive!” Elvina said. “How is that possible?”

“I don’t know,” Venus said, “but I’m glad.”

“Me, too,” Susie said.

“Ditto,” Elvina concurred.

Batgirl moaned more loudly and moved her head to one side. “I’ll drown in this rain if I don’t get out of here,” Batgirl murmured.

Another bolt of lightning lanced across the sky and thunder boomed again.

“Batgirl!” the three bound captives shouted.

Batgirl blinked and focused on the drenched woman tied to the antenna in front of her. “Elvina?”

“Batgirl! You’ve got to get us out of here!”

Another lightening bolt, followed even more quickly by the clap of thunder.

“Us?” Batgirl asked. She tried to sit up, but could not.

“Come on, Batgirl,” Susie encouraged.

“We need you now!” Venus said.

“I’ve got to get you out of here,” Batgirl said. She tried to come to her knees again, but collapsed. “Not strong enough yet. Soon–”

“There isn’t time!” Susie shouted.

“If you can’t save us, Joker wins!” Elvina screamed.

“Joker won’t win!” Batgirl said. She unfolded her calves from beneath her thighs and set her feet flat on the rooftop. She inhaled and pushed herself toward one of the antennae with her feet. She stretched her fingers and curled them around the metal shaft. “If the lighting strikes here now, we’re all dead,” she said. She pulled herself to the antenna and balanced on her feet. She let go of the antenna with one hand and began to cut at the chosen captive’s bonds with a knife taken from her utility belt.

“Thank you, Batgirl!” Susie said as she felt the ropes fall from her limbs and she hopped away from the metal pole.

“Cut Venus free,” Batgirl said, pressing a blade into Susie’s hand. As Susie moved off to obey, Batgirl stumbled toward Elvina. Knives slashed the cords binding the Joker's victims. In less than a minute, four drenched damsels made their way to the door to the roof.

“It’s locked,” Venus said.

“Not for long,” Batgirl said.

Rain intensified, streaming down the four fleeing captives’ bodies as Batgirl’s tiny tool forced the lock to surrender. She wrenched the door open and they stepped through. A boom so loud it almost knocked them over sounded behind them as the lightening bolt that would have killed them all was drawn to one of the antennae. Electricity crackled and danced over the wet metal fixture to which the four women had been affixed.

“We would all be dead if you hadn’t survived Joker’s deadly buzzer, Batgirl,” Elvina said.

“I don’t understand how you did it,” Venus said.

Susie sneezed.

“Bless you,” Batgirl said. “The Joker seems to have quite a collection of women’s clothing downstairs. Let’s get out of these wet things before I get you all safely to the police.”

As Batgirl returned to her normal costume, leaving her cowl on to preserve her secret identity, the others changed into dry clothes. Some of the fits weren’t perfect, but would have to do.

The heroine then explained her survival. “Joker outsmarted himself. He wanted his lethal buzzer to kill Batgirl instead of Badgirl. Accordingly, he gave me a Universal Bat-Antidote pill to counteract the cataphrenic that turned me evil. What he didn’t realize was that the pill combated the effects of his buzzer along with Catwoman’s drug.”

“That was lucky for all of us,” Elvina said.

“Ready to go?” Susie asked. “I don’t like it here.”

“Hey,” Venus said, “look what I found.” She held up a bundle of files.

Batgirl took them. She quickly examined one file in particular, then decided. “We’ll bring these along. They’re evidence.”

Venus’ car conveyed the captives to the Quarterdeck Club, where Batgirl picked up the Batgirlcycle. They all then proceeded to Police Headquarters. Lieutenant Diana Mooney was in charge when they arrived.

“We have evidence against the Joker, Diana,” Batgirl explained.

Lieutenant Mooney detailed some officers to take statements from Venus, Elvina, and Susie. Then she turned to the costumed woman. “What do you expect me to do with you, Batgirl? The last time I saw you, you tried to kill me.”

“I’m sorry, Diana. I was under the influence of cataphrenic then. I’m back to normal now. I think I know where Joker is hiding. If you’re willing to trust me, I’d like to borrow some things and go catch him.” The two friends stared at each other for a long moment.

“Well, I have some experience myself of going over to the dark side . . . but don’t make me regret this!” Lieutenant Mooney ominously warned.

“Thank you for your trust.”

“It’s ready!” Harley Quinn cried as she untied the apron, stripped it off, and tossed it carelessly aside. She stood barefoot in her kitchen, wearing a football jersey that fell to her knees. As the Joker approached, she leaned over and turned off the oven.

“I wish you’d have let me help you with that,” the Joker said.

“Okay, grab the cornbread and make sure ya’ use the pot holder.”

“I meant with the apron.”

“Don’t ya’ want to eat?”

“I’d rather have dessert.”

“I served dessert. Remember?”

“Vividly. I’m still hungry.”

“Seconds will be served after we eat, and not until then. Now, bring the cornbread.” She unplugged her crock-pot and carried it to the table.

Harley opened the steaming pot and ladled chili into bowls. She cut squares of cornbread and served them on saucers before sitting down.

The Joker was wearing a black silk robe as he sat down and broke crackers into his chili, moved the mixture around, extracted a spoonful of it, and took a bite. He plunged his spoon back into the bowl, reached for his water glass, drained it, and refilled the glass from a pitcher. “This chili is hotter than you are!” he exclaimed.

“Ya’ like it, then?” she gushed, grinning.

“It’s fabulous,” the Joker declared. He picked up his cornbread and took a bite. Harley watched him expectantly while he chewed, swallowed, and smiled. “Tastes great . . . like the cook!”

“So,” Harley said between tiny bites of chili, “we have enough money to rent Australia forever, right? Where shall we go to lay low?”

“Somewhere romantic, where we can get room service.”

“I thought ya’ liked my cooking?”

“I do.”

“It’s great to hear ya’ say that. Hey!” Harley leaned in expectantly. “Was there anything else ya’ wanted to ask me?”

The Joker stared at the ceiling and took a deep breath. “No. Not really.”

Harley slumped in her chair, sighing almost inaudibly.

“Wait! I’ve got it.”

She leaned forward again.

"Where do you think we should hide out?”

Harley Quinn somehow willed herself not to become exasperated.

“Your not going anywhere, Joker, except to jail!” a new voice said. The criminal couple turned toward the voice and saw Batgirl leaning against the wall beside the sliding door to Harley’s balcony.

“I thought ya’ killed her, Puddin’,” Harley said.

“So did I,” the Joker admitted. He began to stand.

“Sit down, Joker! Both of you will stay put and keep your hands in sight!” Batgirl directed.

The Joker and Harley Quinn obeyed. Their natural inclination would have been to attack the new arrival, but she had ordered them to remain still. Her tone had been confident. Commanding. Yet, neither Batgirl’s presence nor her tone had rooted the criminals in place.

The things that compelled their obedience were the machine guns Batgirl held in each hand.

“It looks like your Universal Bat-Antidote pill worked,” the Joker remarked.

“Puddin’, I think it worked a little better than ya’ planned.”

“Give the girl a prize,” Batgirl said. “You should also know your assets are frozen. The girl you kidnaped from the Gotham Gladiators is safe and you haven’t made a cent from that crime.”

“You’re gloating!” the Joker accused. “It’s bad enough you're still alive and gloating just makes it worse!”

“Gloating is a bad habit I recently picked up . . . somewhere.”

“Hey!” Harley said. “If she survived the storm, your old henchwomen probably survived it, too.”

The Joker shrugged. “I suppose if Miss Phelps lived, Batman and Robin probably escaped to save her. She would have drowned by the time you recovered.”

“Chief O’Hara destroyed your robots as well,” Batgirl said. “You haven’t done much right this time out, Joker.”

“Whadda mean?!” Harley protested. “He found me! I have no complaints at all about Mr. J.”

“You need help.”

“Hey!” the Joker objected.

“One last thing, Joker. I’ll be sure to tell Undine you’ll be returning to prison. I’ll bet she can’t wait to see you again.”

“And just who is Undine?” Harley Quinn demanded.

“Nobody,” the Joker said nervously, wringing a chalk-white finger under his collar.

The Joker watched Harley study him. She then smiled the smile of a woman madly in love, willing to overlook all faults, and turned to Batgirl. “Go ahead and shoot me, Batgirl. I’d rather die than be apart from my Puddin’.”

“If you insist,” Batgirl said. She brought her guns to bear on her targets and smiled sweetly as she started to pull the triggers.

“How can you shoot us in cold blood?” the Joker screamed. “You’re back to being one of the good guys . . . aren’t you?!”

Harley struck a martyr’s pose, while the Joker braced himself to feel his body ripped to pieces by flying lead, but the sensation the gunfire caused was quite different. Strands of sticky string shot from the gun barrels as Batgirl moved to be certain the bindings secured them to their chairs.

“That isn’t fair!” the Joker raged. “You’ve used one of my best jokes – on me!”

“Funny, aren’t I?” Batgirl asked.

“No!” the Joker and Harley said simultaneously.

“We’ll see what the police think. I’ll call them before I go. They’ll be along to bring you in shortly, but first, may I have some cornbread?”

“Help yourself. We can’t eat it like this,” Harley said. The Joker glared at the women.

“It’s delicious. Thank you. I can’t remember the last time I ate anything.” Batgirl cut herself a generous square after calling the police and munched it on her way back to Barbara Gordon’s apartment.

The next day, in Warden Crichton’s office, the head of Gotham State Penitentiary was speaking, seated behind his desk. Across from him was Doctor Harleen Quinzel, dressed in her doctor’s white jacket with her blonde hair tied back and her reading glasses perched on her nose.

“And so Doctor Quinzel,” the Warden concluded, “as you can read in his statement, Batman believes that you should not be held responsible for your actions while under the influence of cataphrenic, any more than Batgirl or Robin were. He personally assured me that the Bat-Antidote injection he gave you in the Commissioner’s office has completely eliminated any effect on you from Catwoman’s cursed chemical.”

“I appreciate Batman’s vote of confidence,” Doctor Quinzel demurely replied. “I also look forward to getting back to work, as soon as possible.”

“Now, there’s no need for that, doctor. You’ve been through a lot. Take the rest of the week off.”

“Thank you, Warden. That’s very kind,” she replied with a twinkle in her eye. “I do have some thing to take care of . . ."

Later that day, Doctor Quinzel walked up to a fenced-in pasture, some thirty-five miles from Gotham City. A large, chestnut horse romped up to meet her.

Harleen gave the animal a lump of sugar. She reached up and petted him on his forehead as she talked. “Those poor saps who bet on ya’ never dreamed that ya’ were here, enjoyin’ life, rather than runnin’ that long, sloppy race.”

The pretty blond resident leaned back against the fence, reaching back to stroke the gelding’s neck. “Yep, the ol’ switcheroo. That’s what they deserve, after what they did to ya’.”

She sighed contentedly. “What a perfect gift for my Puddin’ when I bust him out . . .

Funny Cide.”

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