The Joker's Gift

A telephone rang on the Towser family yacht as it bobbed in the icy waters of Gotham Harbor. “Hello,” Baby Jane said. She listened and handed the phone to her companion “It’s for you.”

The man smiled at her happily and took the instrument. “Hello,” he said. After listening for a moment, he burst out laughing. “Isn’t it delicious?” he asked. “You and the others did a wonderful job. I’ll see you all-”

“Not too early,” Baby Jane said, interrupting based on the half of the conversation she could hear.

“What?” the man asked. He paused. “Nothing. I was just saying I’ll see you all late tomorrow morning. Bye.” He laughed again as she hung up the phone.

When he had stopped, she asked, “Did they get it?”

“Yes, Baby Jane. With the security codes and protocols you so helpfully provided, some of my other ornamental Christmas decorations give the people from the armored car company a reception they’ll never forget.”

“You had better be thinking of me when you consider your decorations,” she said ominously. “Just what do you mean by telling her I hadn’t said anything?”

The man resumed his merry mirth, took her in his arms, kissed her gently, and squeezed her tightly as she responded, “You know, Baby Jane, I wouldn’t be having any fun at all tonight without your help.”

She giggled happily, snuggling against him. “The night is young. Daddy can be such a Scrooge sometimes. He deserved the little prank we played on him,” she said.

“Prank?” her guest asked, sounding pained.

“Oh, all right,” she said, laughing. “Call it a joke, if you must. You are THE Joker, after all.”

“You and I have something to celebrate now.”

She giggled some more. “You know, I would dearly love to see the look on Daddy’s face when he realizes his executives’ money is gone and being donated to a worthy charity. You’re so generous, Joker.”

“Oh, yes, Baby Jane, I’ve chosen the most worthy charity I could possibly imagine.” He laughed as he considered how she would never know the money would considerably expand his personal savings.

“So, how ever will we celebrate tonight’s triumph?” Baby Jane asked.

“I just happen to have brought a bottle of excellent champagne we might enjoy with dinner.”

“Sounds wonderful, at least for starters. Are you ready to eat? I’ve left everything warming in the galley.”

“I’d love to,” he said, lighting candles on the table as his victim’s delectable daughter made her way to the galley. The Joker considered her journey quite a show due to her short gray skirt and the thin wool, turtleneck sweater molded to her upper body. With the high heels she had affected, the overall effect of her outfit was more naughty than nautical. Of course, he didn’t mind at all.

“I found it,” she called cheerfully. “You’re being very good to me tonight, Joker. How can I possibly thank you?”

“We’ll think of something,” he responded confidently.

Late the next morning, Baby Jane’s limousine dropped the Clown Prince of Crime a block from Police Headquarters in Midtown. After a final goodbye kiss, he hurried to the back entrance of a shabby hotel across the street from Headquarters and made his way inside. He found another of his ornamental Christmas decorations standing behind the front desk, wearing her green dress with red boots and matching belt.

“Welcome to the Hotel Sleazy, Joker,” she said.

“Were there any problems reserving my room, Emerald?” he asked.

“No, Joker. There was a short argument. But we won easily.” Emerald tapped a bundle in the knee hole of the desk with her toe. The bundle grunted in response.

“I’m delighted you’re putting your training to good use,” the Joker said, leaning forward and kissing her.

“Undine helped. She is the more experienced fighter.”

“Vixen is teaching you both very well. I know. I’ve loved watching.” He laughed and took his assistant by the arm. “You’d better show me to our room, dear,” he invited.

The perfidious pair made their way to a room facing Commissioner Gordon’s office. Emerald knocked and was admitted by the statuesque gunwoman from the previous night’s robbery. She had shed her coat and boots, replacing them with sandals. The rest of what passed for her outfit remained intact. “Undine!” the Joker said, embracing her and letting out a laugh. “It’s so lovely to see you again. Particularly when there is so much of you to see!”

“I’m glad you approve,” she said, kissing him lightly and briefly. “You know what they say: If you’ve got it, flaunt it.”

This response seemed to answer a question that had nagged at him since his surfing contest with Batman. The Joker had followed Undine's career as his one-time beach babe had fallen in with the crowd of former henchwomen Madame DeBase employed for her nefarious schemes. Subsequently, Undine helped the younger Ma Parker, aptly named Legs in the villain's opinion, try to find a prospective husband. In all of her exploits, Undine had continued to dress almost exclusively in her bathing suit. Since she was much more than just a pretty face, he had never asked why. Unless the theory that she hated wearing real clothing of any kind were true, now he knew.

“You’d wear anything well, Undine,” he told her, returning her smooch, “but I’m glad you don’t.”

The Joker released her and made his way into the room. Four other women graced the chamber. A pair of petite brunettes stretched out on the beds. The shapely blonde getaway driver was admiring herself in the enormous mirror above the dresser and the blonde in the royal blue dress watched Commissioner Gordon’s office from her perch on the desk beside the window. The Joker glanced outside to remind himself of the familiar perspective and returned his attention to the scene his sextet of ornamental Christmas decorations comprised.

“Joker, it’s great to see you again,” Josie Miller said, excitedly getting up from the bed and crossing to him. Once they had hugged, she told him, “I haven’t seen you since the counterfeiting scheme we ran from the comic book company, Penthouse Publishers.”

“That’s right!” the Joker agreed. “Oh, Josie, It’s been way too long. We’re together again now, though, aren’t we?” He burst out laughing and stopped as she pressed herself hard against him and pulled his mouth down to hers. As he held her, he was reminded of exactly what her orange skirt and scoop necked pullover sweater contained.

“We will be soon, Joker,” she said after breaking the kiss. She held his gaze and smiled at the increased rate of his breathing she noticed. “I’m not the only one who has missed you for a long time.”

Josie turned the Joker to the other bed where he helped the waiting brunette to her feet. She slipped into his arms and matched her counterpart’s passion as she kissed him.

“You’ve been busy since we kidnaped that Nimponese Maharajah I see,” she remarked. “I don’t mind, as long as we’re together, Joker.”

“Oh, Jill. Having you around will make my holidays all the happier.” He picked her up and spun around delightedly. Before he released her, he smiled, laying her body gently back on the bed and favoring her with a chuckle. Her pink slacks and matching blouse fit her delightfully well and contrasted with her long, raven hair.

The blonde by the mirror had been studying him in it as he made the rounds. She watched him approach her and tilted her head back to look up at him as he embraced her. “You’re as lovely as ever, Cornelia. But, you can see that, can’t you?”

“It’s good to see you, too, Joker,” she said. Her boss smiled at her, nodded toward her, took her gently in his arms, and kissed her slowly. “Time hasn’t bothered you much.”

“Nor you, my dear,” he complimented. “Once again, your presence could be the key to the success of one of my schemes.”

“Are you going to poison the water supply again? We never did get our ransom from those City Fathers.”

The Joker laughed. “You’ll see soon enough, my dear.”

“There they are, Joker,” the blond watcher in the royal blue dress said.

“A little sooner than I’d planned, Cornelia. The next victims on my list have just arrived.”

As the Batmobile pulled up and the Dynamic Duo raced up the stairs to Police Headquarters, the Joker released her and made his way to the window, keeping himself hidden by the curtain.

He gripped the watching woman’s shoulders and laughed, spinning her around and kissing her extravagantly. “Excellent, Queenie!”

“Do we have time for this right now, Joker?” she asked.

“With our not having worked together since we used my utility belt to steal the steamship S. S. Gotham for you, as long as the preparations are complete, we have as much time as it takes Batman to suck up to his masters over there to-”

Queenie interrupted him by returning his kiss. She took her time about it, leaving him breathless and seated in the desk chair.

“Now,” he said, once he had recovered and Queenie had seated herself in his lap, “Are the preparations complete?”

“We put the packages in the heating ducts by Gordon’s office, just like you said, Joker,” Jill answered.

“That’s right. So what did you get Batman and Robin for Christmas?” Josie said. “A gag gift, I hope.”

“Oh, better than that, Josie.” the Joker said, laughing. “Batman and Robin will do much more than gag when we unwrap it for them!” He went on laughing. Suddenly he stopped. “Where’s Vixen?”

“She called and said she had decided to make sure the suite was ready for us,” Undine reported. “It seems you aren’t the only one who had a date last night.”

“Oh, I see. Anyone interesting?” the Joker asked.

“I don’t know. I think she said he was some rich, bald guy from Metropolis.”

“So she’s sleeping in. Interesting. I suddenly can’t wait to wake her up!” the Joker said, thinking aloud and laughing. “That should be fun.”

The Joker took in the collective loveliness the sextet of succulent sycophants he had gathered to comprise his gang exuded again and pondered the addition of the high-priced call girl and Baby Jane, his companion from the previous night, who had secured an exclusive suite for them to use as a hideout. “You know, all the sudden I’m really looking forward to our arrival at the Ritz Marlton.” He paused to laugh. “We’re going to have one incredible Christmas party! But, first, let’s turn to business. Do you have the remote?”

“Right here, Joker,” Queenie said, handing her boss a small box.

“Then it’s time to make a call. Batman and Robin are obviously aware I’ve gone back into business for Christmas this year. As they ponder who is on my list and what I may get them, they have no idea they themselves are right at the top and about to get what’s coming!” He laughed and took the phone Emerald handed him.

Across the street, Commissioner Gordon’s phone rang a moment later. “Excuse me, Batman,” Gordon said, leaning toward his intercom. “Yes, Bonnie.” He paused to listen to his secretary and scowled. “Batman, it seems the Joker is calling to speak to you! Shall I put him on?”

“By all means,” the Caped Crusader said. “He may inadvertently give us a clue to what he’s planning.”

“Gosh, yes,” Robin agreed.

“All right. Put him through.“ The Commissioner paused while his secretary complied. “Joker, you’re on the speaker phone.”

Laughter heralded the Harlequin of Hate’s pronouncement. “Good morning, friends. Happy holidays from The Joker!” The purple-clad prankster paused to regale them with another uproarious laugh. “I know what you’re all thinking. ‘What does the Master of Mirth have for me this year?’ Well, Batman, you are listening, I trust.”

“I hear you, Joker!” the Dark Knight Detective responded tersely.

“Good. Because I’m about to release my holiday surprise for you right now. Smile, everyone!” The Joker pressed the button on his remote control.

As the Joker’s laughter echoed from Commissioner Gordon’s speaker phone, plumes of red and green smoke began to rise from the heating vents. Batman raced to the window and began to open it. Robin moved toward the door.

“No, Robin! See to Commissioner Gordon. There’s no telling what that vile gas will do to the general public if we let it into other parts of the building.” He had the window open, but was standing right next to a vent. Batman felt himself wobble and tried to support himself on the window sill. It was too late. He fell to the floor, unconscious.

“Batman!” Robin cried and moved to his fallen partner’s side. He, too, was quickly overcome.

Commissioner Gordon was impressed the Dynamic Duo had acted to protect him and the other workers at Police Headquarters. He realized they could have taken breathing apparatus from their amazing utility belts and thus protected themselves from the unknown gas. Yet they had not known what its effects would be and moved to enable the gas to dissipate as quickly as possible. The question was, at what price? He knew he would need to hurry to warn Gotham’s heroines of the Joker’s attack. He turned to his computer and sent a quick plea for assistance to Batgirl. As he hit the send button, he reached for the cell phone with the Bat-insignia that would summon Gotham City’s newest defenders, Batwoman and Flamebird. As his call went through, he collapsed.

Across the street, Josie was jumping up and down and clapping her hands enthusiastically. “Sounds like you got them, boss!” The Joker had been holding the phone so his evil entourage could hear the results of the morning’s wicked work.

“That wasn’t a very nice thing to do, Joker.”

“Oh, Jill. You well know Batman and Robin are my sworn enemies.” He paused to favor her with a smile. “Since they know we’re loose out here, they’ll come after us. Somehow, their infernal meddling always seems to muck up my plans. Therefore, I have to get them before they get me. It’s survival.”

“Boss, are they--?”

“Oh, no Undine. The gas is a nonlethal derivative of Smilex. Exposure will put big red smiles on their faces, but they’ll go on living-for a little while.”

“Saving them for another day, Joker?”

“Precisely, Emerald. Think of what we can do to them while they’re in the hospital with all those fascinating drugs and all that equipment.” The Joker stopped to laugh. “They’ll have scalpels, X-ray machines, forceps, and bandages for binding things. We could have endless fun and we will, very soon.”

“Boss, Chief O’Hara just drove into the parking lot.”

“Good, Queenie. It’s nearly time to take our bow, proverbially speaking, of course. Get packing, girls. We’ll be leaving in a moment.” The Joker resumed laughing.

Meanwhile, Barbara Gordon was working closely with her assistant, Myrtle, at the Midtown branch of the Gotham City Library. Suddenly, she felt a vibration against her hip. “Excuse me, Myrtle. I’m being paged.”

“Is it important police business?” Myrtle joked.

“You’d better hope not. I’ll be right back.” Barbara stepped into her office and checked Batgirl’s e-mail. She had set her pager to alert her when Batgirl got e-mail with the code she had given the police long ago as a means of verification. Fan mail could wait. Messages related to real, official police business triggered her pager. She closed her office door and brought up the message:

“Oh, God! Daddy!” Barbara said quietly. She shut down her system, covering the electronic tracks left by Batgirl’s e-mail in the process. She left Myrtle in charge of the library, took an early lunch, and hurried to Police Headquarters. There, she quickly entered through an unlocked side door, slipped into a handy broom closet, underwent her tantalizing transformation, and made her way to her father’s office as Batgirl. She entered behind Chief O’Hara.

The scene before them was bizarre. Batman lay on his back by the open window. Robin had collapsed face down, across Batman’s body. Commissioner Gordon had fallen across his desk and the purple cell phone with the Bat-insignia had fallen from his hand to the floor. Each of them had a wide red smile seemingly painted on his face, which had paled to a chalky white color. The victims’ plight was accentuated by the Joker’s maniacal laughter, which reverberated around the room.

O’Hara and Batgirl rushed to the victims and checked them over with practiced efficiency. “The Commissioner is alive,” Batgirl reported. Her voice fell to a barely audible level as she voiced her next automatic thought. “Thank God!” Simultaneously, she let out a long breath.

“So are Batman and Robin,” O’Hara said. “Saints be praised!” Batgirl was breathing more easily, relieved. Chief O’Hara was speaking again. “Where is that green-haired gargoyle? When I get my hands on hi-”

“Chief!” Batgirl said a little more sharply than may have been necessary. “We’ll have time for that later.”

“Right, Batgirl. Where is that laughter coming from?”

Batgirl looked around the room again. “The speaker phone. Have the call traced and get some medics in here.” O’Hara nodded and dashed from the room.

He returned moments later and switched off the speaker phone. The Joker’s laughter stopped. Silence fell. “No point sharing our plans with that pasty-faced devil. He is watching us from a room at the Hotel Sleazy across the street. I called 911.”

“Well done, Chief,” his purple partner praised.

Suddenly, they stiffened as a loud whirring sounded from outside. “What’s that? Another Joker attack?” They raced to the window.

“I don’t think so, Chief. Look,” Batgirl pointed and continued, “up in the sky.”

“Is it a bird or a plane?”

“No. It’s Batwoman and Flamebird arriving on their Bat-Gyros.”

Once the Distaff Duo had joined them. Batwoman asked, “What happened?”

Batgirl summarized the situation quickly. “I think we should split our forces,” Batgirl concluded. “If the two of you are willing to go after Joker, I’ll do what I can to safeguard Commissioner Gordon and the Dynamic Duo. This attack may be only the first step in an elaborate Joker plot.”

Batgirl felt a little uneasy sending Batwoman and Flamebird after Batman's deadliest adversary, but took solace in the thought that the Joker was probably long gone. Worry about her father outweighed the concern Batgirl had that Gotham's newest crimefighting team might be in over their heads.

“Good thinking, Batgirl,” Batwoman complimented, slamming one black gloved fist into the other. Her elbow-length gloves matched her knee-high boots, belt, mask, and the bat centered across her upper chest. The bat contrasted with the yellow, sleeveless leotard and the matching cape clipped to her shoulders beneath her black hair. Her Bat Kit of special equipment hung from her belt at the hip.

“Yes. Good luck as well,” Flamebird added, duplicating the gesture. Her gloves were red, matching her boots; choker; cheerleader skirt; and v-necked top. The top was fringed with orange to match her hose and the cape that fell to her waist before dividing and continuing to fall along the backs of her thighs. In addition to the orange color, her cape featured narrow triangles of cloth extending from its edges to create the illusion of flames dancing down her back. Instead of a mask, she covered her eyes with a pair of yellow goggles which complimented her curly blonde hair.

“How can I help?” O’Hara wanted to know as he regarded the new arrivals.

“You will have the grim duty of informing the media of this dreadful attack. The public has a right to know,” Batgirl said gravely.

“Tell them we’ll get Joker for this as well,” Flamebird said.

“Yes,” Batwoman agreed.

“Tell them we’ll catch the Joker,” Batgirl instructed with a quiet deadliness in her voice as she nodded her assent. “Because we will!”

She had her own issues to settle with the Harlequin of Hate. The villain might reasonably have chosen another time to face Batgirl, had he known how frustrated the heroine had become after the conclusion of her recent confrontation with the fiendish Frenchwoman who called herself La Esclavage Reine, the Bondage Queen. The foreign villainess had all but gotten away with compelling Batgirl to officiate an odious display of debauchery. While La Esclavage Reine had been deported for her trouble, Batgirl felt strongly her punishment had been both inappropriate and utterly inadequate.

“Let’s go, Flamebird!” Batwoman said. The Pulchritudinous Pair departed and Chief O’Hara began to make his way to the press room.

“Just a minute, Chief,” Batgirl said. “I have an idea I’d like to share after we make sure Joker isn’t listening to us.” Once Batgirl and Chief O’Hara had looked the room over to be satisfied their plans would remain secret, Batgirl outlined an idea to which Chief O’Hara quickly assented.

Batwoman and Flamebird’s first discovery at the Hotel Sleazy was the bound desk clerk.

“Thank you,” the clerk said once they had freed him.

“What happened?” Batwoman asked.

“Two women came in and tried to get a room for nothing. I told them they would have to pay and they attacked me. It was so unexpected, I couldn’t defend myself fast enough to keep them from tying me up. They stuffed me under the desk and let a bunch of other women upstairs to use the room. Then, this blonde came down and started minding the desk until a man came in. She went upstairs with him. Oh, my God! She called him ’Joker’!”

“You’re okay now,” Flamebird assured him. “Neither Joker nor any of those women are going to try anything while Batwoman and I are here.”

“Well, they won’t do anything to me anyway. I quit! If you see my boss, please tell him.” The clerk began to make his way toward the back entrance.

“Wait!” Flamebird called. “Which room did the women try to check into?”

“Let him go, Flamebird. Joker won’t be hard to find.”

As the two heroines started up the stairs, the clerk stopped. “Wait a minute. I was just rescued by Batwoman and Flamebird. Wow!” The heroines had already disappeared up the stairs.

They had no trouble finding the Joker’s room, from which laughter echoed loudly. They flattened themselves against the wall on either side of the door, waiting.

At a nod from Batwoman, Flamebird reached for the knob and was surprised when it turned. She pushed it open and inhaled awaiting an attack. The laughter continued from inside the room. Batwoman turned toward the door and leaped through. One second later Flamebird followed, slamming the door behind her.

No foe had hidden behind the door. The bathroom was empty. So was the rest of the room. The only immediately apparent sign of the Joker’s presence was a tape recorder playing the Clown Prince of Crime’s laughter beside the phone.

Batwoman flipped off the tape and hung up the phone. “Joker was watching his attack progress from here,” she observed, glancing out the window.

“Any other clues?” Flamebird asked.

“We’d better check.” A quick search revealed nothing new. They took the tape recorder and the tape before checking behind the desk. An ash tray full of lipstick smeared cigarette butts rested beside a newspaper turned to a Lacey’s Department Store ad.

“Well, one of Joker’s girls at least knows were to shop,” Flamebird observed.

Indeed. Lacey’s Department Store had become one of Gotham City’s most upscale establishments since Mr. Threedy, the new store manager, had been promoted. His former boss, Mr. Knight, had been let go after Batgirl had gone undercover there selling negligees. She had thwarted the Wizard and Dr. Tito Daka’s criminal plans to convert the store’s customers into mindless zombies. The former night managers’ arrest had also contributed to the store’s good fortune as Mr. Threedy’s public relations department had exploited it.

The younger heroine continued, “We’d better analyze this tape back at the Bat Cavern.”

“Right, Flamebird. To the Bat Gyros!”

In flight, the Voluptuous Vanquishers of Villainy were summoned off course by a call.

“Batwoman, this is Batgirl. I hope this frequency is safe for transmission.”

“It is on our end, Batgirl. Go ahead, please.”

“Good. I’ve slipped an anti-eavesdrop Bat-plug into the microphone at my end. Can both of you hear me?”

“Loud and clear, Batgirl,” Flamebird confirmed.

“I’m worried Joker plans to follow up on his attack. We should be there, if he shows up at Mount Ararat Hospital. l think I have a good idea of how to stop him.”

“We’ll be there,” Batwoman promised.

“Right,” Flamebird agreed.

Meanwhile, the ambulance carrying Batman, Robin, and Commissioner Gordon arrived at Mount Ararat Hospital. The patients were rushed inside and moved rapidly through the halls to the morgue where they were loaded aboard a waiting, nondescript van. Thus disguised, the patients were driven away without fanfare.

Soon thereafter, a lone doctor wearing surgical scrubs led a sextet of shapely assistants to a private, guarded room where three patients rested comfortably.

“Can I help you, Doctor?”

“Oh, I don’t think so, officer,” the doctor said, looking up from the clipboard he had been studying. “You appear to have had a hard day, though. I prescribe a good night’s sleep. My nurse will just administer a small injection to induce it. Undine, if you would be so kind.”

“Yes, Doctor,” his now-dressed assistant said. “Hold him, girls.”

The guard’s eyes widened in horror as he stared at the Doctor and felt all the color drain slowly from his face. “You’re no doctor. You’re The Joker!” He began to struggle.

“Right you are, officer. My assistants aren’t real nurses either. Congratulations! But your having figured out the truth won’t help you in the least.” The villain laughed softly. The policeman’s comely captors held his arm stationary as a hypodermic needle impaled a vein on his arm.

“Goodnight,” Undine whispered as Queenie supported his weight seconds after the drug took effect.

“There. Just what the Doctor ordered. Quick! Get him a chair,” the Joker commanded. Jill and Josie quickly obeyed and Queenie lowered the man, letting him settle into place. The white-faced medic chuckled, somehow keeping his maniacal merriment in check. “Excellent! Come, my naughty nurses. We’re off to do away with the Dynamic Duo once and for all!”

Inside the room, the Joker could barely contain his mirth as he peeled the blue hood away from his green hair and shed the rest of his scrubs. His delectable delegation also resumed their respective, normal appearances. “All right, my dears, uncover our patients while I unpack my instruments. We’re going to operate immediately.” A low, evil chuckle heralded the henchwomen’s coming as Queenie, Undine, and Emerald moved forward.

They took hold of the patients’ bedclothes, and felt strong fingers grip their wrists. .Instead of unveiling their victims, the henchwomen felt themselves pulled off balance as Batgirl, Batwoman, and Flamebird slid from the opposite sides of the beds . Collisions were audible as the heroines flung their would-be attackers to the floor and set upon them. Seconds later, they took the fallen nurses out of action with swift, merciless combinations of blows delivered with professional efficiency.

“All three of the Bat women!” the Joker cried in dismay. “Curses! They’ve sprung a Counter-Bat-Trap! Retaliate, the rest of you.! Retaliate!”

In a matter of seconds, Batwoman found Cornelia had torn herself away from her reflection in the room’s mirror and was flailing at her wildly. Josie had begun to circle Batgirl looking for an advantage. Flamebird found Jill closing in on her.

For Cornelia, it wasn’t at all fair. Batwoman took the henchwoman’s wrists and flung her aside like a rag doll. As Cornelia came to a sudden stop, she was out of the fight and aware of the damage Batwoman had done to her hair. For her part, Batwoman was preparing to subdue any of the initial attackers in the unlikely event they returned to the fray.

Batgirl began to rotate to keep Josie in front of her and decided to change tactics. She paused and let her opponent circle behind her. Josie smiled, lunging to attack from the rear, but stopped as she felt the unexpected impact of smooth fabric covering the back of Batgirl’s glove. A subsequent uppercut launched Josie across the room and took her out of action. The Dark Angel of Gotham then began to seek the opponent with whom she really wished to fight--The Joker.

Jill realized she was overmatched as Flamebird deflected blow after blow. As the fight wore on, Flamebird began to score more hits and spend more time on offense. Jill tired quickly and found herself crumbling under the teenage heroine’s assault.

The Joker was amazed and dismayed at how quickly the Tremendous-Looking Trio had mashed his minions. The situation was only getting worse. Batgirl was coming after him!

“Watch the birdie!” the Joker cried with a merry laugh. His assistants recognized his signal to retreat and closed their eyes.

“What?” Flamebird called, confused.

“Flamebird!” Batwoman began.

“Look out” Batgirl warned, finishing the other’s thought.

A blinding flash illuminated the room, suddenly making the Costumed Cuties shield their eyes.

“Come along, my lovelies,” the Joker said superfluously. “Let’s get while the getting is good. Cornelia, you can admire yourself somewhere else! Hurry!”

The sounds of chaotic activity echoed around the blinded beauties as the Joker’s helpers picked themselves up and retreated from the room. The Clown Prince of Crime himself moved behind each heroine to cut her legs from beneath her with a sweep of his leg. All the while he laughed loudly, confounding his victim’s perceptions.

The chaos ended as suddenly as the fight preceding it had begun. By the time the Delectable Do-Gooders had finally, fully recovered, the Joker and his gorgeous gang had gone.

“What did he do to us?” Flamebird asked.

“He ignited a handful of flash powder. It was just a stupid parlor trick,” Batgirl explained, slamming her fist into her opposite glove. “It proved effective enough, however. Blast! I nearly had him.”

“We just about had them all,” Flamebird said.

“I’m sorry,” Batgirl apologized. “I want the Joker very badly!”

“We all do, Batgirl,” Batwoman said gently. Her calm demeanor was proving disarming enough to dissipate Batgirl’s fury.

“Your plan to move the Commissioner, Batman, and Robin may have saved their lives. There is no telling what Joker would have done to them in this setting,” Flamebird said, following up on and reinforcing her mentor’s calming influence on their more experienced partner.

“I know,” Batgirl said quietly and smiled.

“By the way,” Flamebird continued, “where are Batman, Robin, and Commissioner Gordon?”

“I arranged for them to be moved to Star Labs,” Batgirl explained simply. She decided to focus on the hunt for the Joker. With the villain having just escaped their ambush, tracking him down had taken on a new importance “How did you do at the Hotel Sleazy?”

“We have a tape Joker made. We were just on our way to analyze it when you called,” Batwoman said.

“Good. I’ll take a turn guarding Joker’s victims, while you follow up on your clue.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Flamebird enthused

“We’ll let you know what we find.” Batwoman promised.

“Good luck,” Batgirl said fervently.

“Nothing there,” Batwoman said later as she switched off the tape to turn it over. She had listened to every second of the Joker laughing.

“Do you want me to take a turn?” Flamebird asked.

“Has Betty Kane finished her homework?”

“Almost. I’m ready for a break.”

“All right. You start listening to the other side while I make us some tea.”

Seconds after the reverse side of the tape began, both heroines were snapped to attention as the Joker began to speak following an introductory laugh.

“Hello, Batchick,” he said. After laughing for awhile longer, he continued. As he spoke, he laughed intermittently throughout his speech. ”Happy holidays! As you can see, my ornamental Christmas decorations and I have big plans for the giving season this year. We’ve already crossed Batman and Robin off our list. I cannot tell you how I’m looking forward to extending our generosity to you as well. So, as a little Christmas bonus, I’m going to share my itinerary. The girls and I are planning an extended shopping spree. I’m sure you can imagine how they want everything in sight and I am in no position to disappoint. If you want to hook up, you’d better hurry. We’ll be going out tonight. I know I’ll be having a very merry Christmas. My New Year should be happy, too. I’ll have my decorations and we’ll have said goodbye to you. I know you’ll want to come out and play, so we’ll see you soon.” The tape laughed uproariously at them and went silent.

As Flamebird turned off the machine, she noticed Batwoman had begun to move toward the Bat Gyros. “You know what he plans?” Flamebird asked.

“Don’t you?” Batwoman replied, glancing at her partner.

“Of course, he plans to kill Batgirl. The question is where.”

”And the answer?”

Flamebird reviewed the clues they had found in her mind and saw Batwoman smile as her eyes widened with realization. The tape and the advertising they had found at the desk of the Hotel Sleazy made the Joker’s plans transparently obvious. “He’s going to hit Lacey’s!” she exclaimed.

“Right, Flamebird. You nailed it. Let’s go!”

Later, as the Distaff Duo disembarked their Bat Gyros on the store’s roof, unsavory events were unfolding inside.

“It’s all so beautiful, Joker,” Cornelia said, examining a number of necklaces, a brooch, a few hairpins, and not quite a dozen rings she was modeling simultaneously with the help of a handy mirror. Light flashed from the inlaid gems, which sparkled dazzlingly despite the indirect light.

“Oh, Cornelia, they look as lovely as you,” the Joker said, chuckling encouragingly.

“Shouldn’t we be packing them up instead of admiring them right now?” Queenie asked.

“There will be lots of time to enjoy them back at the suite,” Emerald pointed out.

“As well as for other things,” Vixen said, letting her mouth form a wicked grin. The curly haired call girl had worn a short, red, v-necked dress with black, leather belt and matching boots.

“Let’s move to another department,” Josie said, jumping up and down excitedly.

“I’ve already found a few things I want. Somehow, I can’t ever seem to get enough of these,” Undine announced, stepping into view wearing a new white two piece swimsuit, that sheathed her body, displaying her magnificent assets for worthy admiration.

“Won’t you get cold in that this time of year?” Josie asked.

“I doubt seriously Joker would let that happen,” Undine responded, settling her hands on her shapely hips and letting a smile illuminate her pretty face.

“Maybe we can find you a fur. Preferably something white and pricey,” Jill suggested.

“Sounds nice,” Undine responded.

“Are we ready to move on, Joker?” Josie asked.

“I’m sure we are,” the Joker agreed, noting his assistants had assembled the entire jewelry department’s stock. “I suppose you’d all like to try on more clothes?”

“Of course,” his comely cohorts all agreed simultaneously.

“Well, if clothes give you ladies pleasure, I suppose the fashion show will be worthwhile,” the Joker remarked, putting his arms around Jill and Undine while he laughed softly, preparing to move off.

“There’s more to the equation than just the clothes, you know,” Vixen pointed out.

“You’re so right, my dear,” the Joker acknowledged, winking at her and laughing more loudly.

Jill glanced sharply at the blonde call girl and was about to say something, when another voice interrupted her train of thought.

“We have matching outfits in mind for all of you ladies, as well as your boss,” Batwoman announced.

“That’s right,” Flamebird agreed. “Try prison stripes on for size!”

The Joker felt the untimely arrival of his enemies was his minions cue to attack, despite his routinely ordering them into action. Of late, however, he had found it impossible to hire male thugs.

The Joker’s reputation had always been his primary recruiting tool. It had led Vixen to him the first time she had worked for him as a henchwoman and enabled her to establish credentials in Gotham City just after Bane and Nora Clavicle had released the entire arch-criminal prison population. On another occasion, Ms. Nora Clavicle’s former functionaries, Passion and Ecstasy, had broken the Joker out of jail based on nothing more than his reputation.

Batgirl, however, had hospitalized all of the Joker’s men in the course of their last battle, because he had let them paw her before they left her to die. Despite the Joker’s minions typically being described as dim on a good day, the entire pool of potential recruits realized the Joker would eventually use them against Batgirl. To their credit, and perhaps due to an inherent, Darwinian survival instinct, they had all turned down the Clown Prince of Crime’s repeated and increasingly generous offers of employment.

As Batwoman and Flamebird faced him, the Joker shrugged mentally. The heroines’ sudden appearance had stunned him briefly into silence. Lack of male thugs was no reason to alter the natural rhythms of these encounters. He had tried to hire male help, after all. The Clown Prince of Crime turned to the newcomers and laughed again. “Well, Batwoman and Flamebird, it’s lovely to see you again. I commend you both for finally working up the nerve to step up to the big leagues, however, pride goeth before the fall!

“Girls, tear Cornelia away from her reflection. Then, get them!”

“Payback time!” the Joker’s shapely sycophants said simultaneously, advancing on the Distaff Duo.

Cornelia, who had noticed the newcomers in a security mirror, rushed at Flamebird along with Jill, Josie, and Queenie. Together, they leapt upon her, knocking her to the floor and flailing at her in a manner no fighting science could anticipate. The quartet did little damage to the teenage heroine, but kept her occupied and unable to assist her partner, who had been left to face the Joker’s better fighters.

Batwoman, meanwhile, watched as Undine, Emerald, and Vixen closed in. She lunged at Emerald and planted a shoulder in the center of the green-clad girl’s chest, knocking her off her feet. Undine and Vixen closed in from behind and Batwoman felt her shoulder gripped. She anticipated the tug that would spin her into position to receive some sort of blow and bent her elbow to use as a weapon. As she spun, Batwoman twisted and thrust her elbow forward and across her body. She hit Undine in the side of the face. As the beauty in the bathing suit went down, her partner in green regained her feet.

As Vixen moved in to attack Batwoman, Flamebird squirmed helplessly, tiring as the Joker’s other four fetching fiends slowly slapped her silly, all the while tugging mercilessly at her blonde tresses.

Vixen launched a kick Batwoman dodged easily. Before the curly-haired call girl could regain her balance, the Comely Crusader spun and landed a kick to the center of her opponent’s chest. Vixen flew backward and shattered a display case.

Emerald wrapped her arms around Batwoman’s throat from behind and felt the heroine ram an elbow hard into her chest. “You’ll pay for that, Batwoman,” Emerald threatened when she regained her breath.

“We’ll see,” Batwoman replied as she took Emerald’s arm in her hands and dropped to one knee. Emerald felt herself snapped into the air and flung into a small group of naked display mannequins. Emerald shattered them and began to return to the fight.

Flamebird had switched from ineffective defensive tactics to offense. She reached for Cornelia’s shoulders and pulled her opponent’s head down hard into her own rising knee. Cornelia was out of the fight. Flamebird’s next target was Queenie. Queenie was hoisted into the air and flung bodily into Emerald. The henchwomen fell and lay moaning.

Flamebird took a few moments to fight her way to one knee as she repelled the flailing blows the brunettes tried desperately to land. Jill and Josie felt Flamebird take hold of each of their jaws in her hand. The young heroine audibly cracked the henchwomen’s heads together and regained her feet as her attackers slumped to the floor, unconscious.

Emerald and Vixen had returned to their feet and advanced on the Distaff Duo. Each took a swing and felt her wrist gripped by her agile opponent. Batwoman and Flamebird spun their opponents around in opposite directions and slammed them into each other to end the fight.

“Well fought, ladies,” the Joker said, feigning astonishment. He had hoped his henchwomen would win with superior numbers. As he had watched the fight, his jubilation had subsided. Now, he and his gang had to remain free. “I must congratulate you on overcoming the overwhelming attack I arranged.”

“Save it, Joker,” Batwoman said. “I hope you enjoyed the action because neither Flamebird nor I will tolerate any shenanigans.”

“That’s right. You’d better surrender,” Flamebird advised.

The Joker smiled at his curvaceous captors and laughed gently. “Well, I suppose you’re right. Surrender would be best. I’ll no doubt get a lighter sentence if I cooperate.”

Batwoman and Flamebird glanced at each other. The Joker’s capitulation was a surprise. Could it be real? When they returned their attention to the Joker, he was standing before them, smiling with his hands raised.

“Stand perfectly still, Joker,” Batwoman said. “Flamebird will Batcuff you and then I’ll search you for weapons.”

“All right,” the Joker readily agreed as Flamebird approached, taking Batcuffs from their place at her hip.

“Extend your arms, Joker,” Flamebird said. “Do it slowly.”

“You make it sound so exciting, Flamebird,” the Joker said conversationally. “I can’t wait. You know, I’ve heard your deal. Let’s see what you and Batwoman will say after I pitch mine!” A pair of small metal rectangles appeared in his hands as if by magic.

“Don’t move!” Flamebird ordered.

The Joker’s hands flew downward, suddenly sending his rectangles spinning toward the Distaff Duo.

“What are these?” Flamebird asked as the corner of the metal rectangle sliced through her skirt and hose to break the skin underneath. Batwoman received a similar wound on her bare thigh.

“They’re metal playing cards with sharpened edges,” the Joker answered with a laugh. “Just for you, I’ve chosen the queens of hearts and diamonds. I see both have been hits. Let me introduce the black queens.” The Joker sent two more cards spinning at his victims. Slices appeared in the sides of Batwoman’s leotard and Flamebird’s top in the sides opposite their lacerated thighs.

Flamebird had begun to feel unwell as the first card had bitten into her flesh. The second slice only exacerbated the young heroine’s condition. “What’s happening?” she asked as she started to feel woozy.

“Oh, I forgot to mention, I treated the edges of my cards with a knockout drug that should render both of you utterly helpless in a matter of seconds!” As the Distaff Duo felt the drug do its wicked work, the Mad Mountebank of Mockery looked on, laughing merrily.

“You fiend!” Batwoman accused.

“You won’t get away with this,” Flamebird predicted.

“Before the two of you leave us, I’ll close with my signature card,” the Clown Prince of Crime promised. He sent two more weapons, joker playing cards, flying into the heroine’s abdomens. Both Batwoman and Flamebird plucked all the cards from their bodies and tossed them aside contemptuously as the Joker’s laughter echoed around them.

“Batwoman,” Flamebird said weakly. “Everything is getting fuzzy. I can’t see clearly.”

“If I can reach a universal antidote pill-”

Unconsciousness claimed Batwoman in the middle of her sentence, but Flamebird never heard. The Joker put his hands on his hips and stood laughing over his helpless victims. His henchwomen were picking themselves up and smiling at his handiwork. Once they had all joined him, he took Josie in his arms and danced a merry jig

“I suppose we’ll be getting rid of them now,” Vixen remarked hopefully.

“The question is how,” Undine declared.

“Once and for all, of course,” Emerald answered.

“You’re going to make them die slowly, I hope, “ Queenie said.

“They’re so pretty, lying helplessly like that,” Cornelia observed.

“I don’t care what you do to them, Joker,” Jill declared.

“Yes, Joker. What do you have in mind?” Josie asked excitedly as her boss released her.

“Oh, wait until you see, my dears!” the Joker said as his gang looked at him with eager anticipation. He was enjoying the attention. “I had an interesting idea for Batman and Robin, but, since they’re unwell, I suppose these two tasty morsels can fill in. Bring them.!” As the Joker watched his eager audience carry out his orders, he began to laugh and lead them toward the front of the store.

When Flamebird revived, she was lying on her side, seeming to have been rolled into position against something warm behind her. Whatever it was, it seemed to be the only source of warmth anywhere nearby. “Batwoman?” she asked softly. There was no reply. She opened her eyes and quickly realized the warmth behind her was indeed her partner in crime fighting. Both women’s bodies had been positioned back to back with each woman’s head held against the other’s heels. Flamebird’s posterior was pressed into the small of Batwoman’s back while the taller woman’s butt fitted against her younger partner in exactly the same way. Red and green ribbons had been tightly wound around their shoulders, pulled through the cleft between their breasts and threaded through their legs where it had been cinched tightly. The ribbon then followed the other woman’s spine up her back to be wound around her throat to be tied into a bow behind the neck. Ribbon ends trailing from these bows had been tightly wound around the captives’ forearms, which had been pulled back from the shoulders and secured together perpendicular to the top of the head. In addition, a second ribbon, of the opposite color, bound each woman’s ankles together before having been unwound and knotted around her partner’s neck. The heroine’s bonds had been completed with tinsel, which wrapped their knees and fastened each woman’s wrists to her own opposite elbow.

The senior sentinel stirred and quickly realized she dared not move if she wanted to keep from strangling her partner. “Are you all right, Flamebird?” she asked.

“I think so, Batwoman. What happened?”

“Joker drugged us with his razor-edged playing cards.”

“I remember. What do you imagine will happen next?”

“He’ll probably try to kill us.”

“I was afraid you’d say that. How?”

Laughter heralded the explanation as colored lights blazed above them reflecting from the interior of their cold prison’s clear walls and illuminating their sinister situation. “Oh, what a lovely display you ladies make!” the Joker said, chortling in his joy. “As my special gift to Gotham City, anyone happening to pass by will have the opportunity to see your short careers choked off once and for all!” He concluded his commentary with a laugh.

“Batwoman, we’ve been wrapped up under a Christmas tree!”

“Yes, Flamebird, and judging by the toy train surrounding us, we’re in the one of the department store windows of Lacey’s!”

“You’re precisely correct, Batwoman,” the Joker acknowledged, chuckling. “I honestly cannot imagine what little girl wouldn’t want to find two dolls like you and Flamebird all wrapped up under their trees Christmas morning. Even some of the boys might enjoy playing with you.”

“You’re disgusting, Joker!” Flamebird decided aloud.

“And you’re delectable, my pretty prisoner,” the Joker retorted laughing. “I’d love to provide a demonstration of some interesting games one might play, but my ornamental Christmas decorations would object. Anyway, your partner is more my type.”

Flamebird felt a chill move along her spine as the Mad Mountebank of Mockery drank in the vision of the helpless young heroine with his eyes as his evil, low chuckle echoed.

He reached for her playfully. “Oh, I can see your body quivering with excitement at the mere thought!”

“Leave her alone, Joker! It happens to be freezing in here.” Lacey’s management had turned the heat down overnight to conserve energy and the window was not that well-insulated in the first place.

The Joker laughed uproariously in response to Batwoman’s outburst and leaned over his prisoners running a hand along Batwoman’s side. “I can fix that, you know,” he offered.

“You sick freak, you’ve obviously planned something nasty for us! Why don’t you just get on with it, if you’re going to kill us?”

“I’m having so much fun, though! You two are a gas, so much more fun than the Dynamic Wet-Blankets, and Batgirl has been so grim lately.” He paused and resumed laughing. “Besides, if you’d consider joining me, I might change my plans altogether. I see no need for both of you to die. If you’re really nice to me, I might even spare Flamebird.”

“In your dreams!”

“You can’t say I never gave you a chance, Batwoman. Perhaps the fetching Flamebird would like to consider my offer.” As the Joker pondered sparing his younger prisoner, he pulled his hand from Batwoman’s hip to Flambird’s and began sliding his gloved palm upward along her side toward her neck.

“Aren’t I too young for you, Joker?” she asked tartly.

“ I’m broad-minded,” the Jolly Jester countered. He had delivered the joke brilliantly, utterly deadpan.

“Maybe. You are not, however, at all funny! Now, get your filthy hand off me!” Flamebird was speaking sharply now, emphasizing each and every syllable of her sentences.

“She is so feisty! I love that in a girl!” the Joker enthused.

“I don’t think the term creep even begins to describe you,” Flamebird retorted more calmly.

The Joker sighed. “So be it! I was only kidding, anyway.” He removed his hand from Flamebird and went on, “I’m sure you unlucky beauties have both noticed your bindings.” He had, in that instant, resumed his normal, businesslike demeanor.

Each heroine was keenly aware of the multiple choking ribbons around the other’s throat, providing their strong disincentive to move.

The Joker laughed and continued his explanation, indicating the heroines’ predicament with a grand gesture. “I’ll take your silence as a sign that you do. The girls incorporated slipknots into each of the bows. Unfortunately, they couldn’t stay for the big finish, being busy picking the store clean, as they are. I’ve been left all alone to preside over your demise."

“So, ‘your help’ did the binding?” Batwoman asked, interrupting the Joker’s laughter. “We’ll need to know facts like that when we bring charges against all of you.”

“As you said, Batwoman. In your dreams,” the Clown Prince of Crime responded. “I doubt very much whether either of you could bring charges against me or any of my ornamental Christmas decorations you call ‘my help’ posthumously.”

“So, you’ve arranged for us to choke ourselves to death with the slightest movement?”

“Oh, no, Flamebird. It’s much worse than that. With every movement either of you make, you cause a slipknot to function, thus drawing one of the ribbons around your partner’s throat infinitesimally tighter. The ribbons won’t be tight enough to induce strangulation for a little while yet,” the Joker elaborated with a laugh. “Of course, neither of you will know how close you are to killing the other as you struggle prettily at any given moment.” He paused to enjoy a laugh.

“We’ll just have to stay perfectly still,” Batwoman decided aloud.

“Oh, but you won’t, Batwoman,” the Joker chided. He paused and laughed uproariously again. “Your remark about staying reminded me, I haven’t given you your going away present yet.” The Joker leaned into the display case again and lifted a box decorated in wrapping paper to unveil a tank about the size of a fire extinguisher.

“Laughing gas!” Batwoman said, reading ‘nitrous oxide’ on the canister.

“Diabolical,” Flamebird commented.

“Look at it this way, ladies. It's been a long time since I gave an enemy the chance to die laughing. I did say you two were a gas, didn’t I?”

The Joker’s laughter subsided before Flamebird asked, “You’ll turn on the gas and leave us in this window to quiver and shake each other to death?”

“I couldn’t let it be that simple, Flamebird,” the Joker objected, sounding pained. “The train surrounding you goes around its track once a minute. As it passes the station, it blows its whistle. I’ve rigged the canister to release a tiny amount of gas whenever the whistle blows. The rest of your deduction is quite correct.”

“Batgirl will get you for this, in the unlikely event it works, Joker,” Batwoman said.

“Perhaps, Batwoman,. Though I have plans for her as well. But, even if you are right, what comfort will that be to either of you after my gas and the ribbons have finished their appointed task?”

“Citizens can always rest easier knowing the inevitability of justice,” Flamebird said.

“Well said, Flamebird,” Batwoman complimented.

“Yes, Flamebird, well said. That statement will make a lovely epitaph for you both!” the Joker said with a sinister laugh. “As soon as I’ve left the two of you alone together, I’ll be joining my comely cohorts. We have several more stores to visit before dawn, but we’ll take time out to drive by this display window to see you off. It will be interesting to see how far along your careers’ comical conclusion will have progressed. At first, the gas will make you smile. Then, you’ll giggle. Your subsequent chuckles could lead to a titter. That’s very appropriate, you know.”

Neither of his victims dignified his joke.

The Joker went on, “Your titters will develop into a guffaw. Finally, your quaking and quivering bodies will be convulsing with full belly laughs, assuming you haven’t expired earlier, of course. Well, I’ve obviously overstayed my welcome. Goodbye and Unhappy Holidays!”

As Batwoman and Flamebird looked on in horror, the Clown Prince of Crime started the train. The whistle blew and they heard the telltale hiss of gas. The Joker sealed the display case window and departed with a merry wave. His receding laughter was replaced by the whistle’s second blast. Then there was only the clicking and clacking of the train as it made its next revolution on the tiny toy tracks. The whistle would blow again all too soon.

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