I shook my head again, "Not now, Nick."
He closed the box the ring was in and stood up, "I thought you wanted to get married."
"I do... but now is just not the right time." I said, patting the spot next to me on the couch.
He blew out the candles he'd lit on the end tables and flopped down beside me. "Why isn't it? Seems perfect to me- I actually have time to get into it, be helpful..."
"That's exactly why isn't not the right time. You just decided to ask me now because you're bored. You don't know what to do with yourself, so you decide to ask me to marry you so it'll give you something to do.. have a wedding to plan and then a wife to deal with, to keep you occupied."
"That's not true!" he replied, trying to sound somewhat indignant. "I love you..."
I cut him off, "I know you do- but tell me I'm not at least a little bit right."
He wouldn't look me in the eyes. "Maybe a little."
I reached over and gently turned his face so he'd look at me.
"Okay, you're sort of right. I've never had this much time.. I have no idea what to do with all of it. This is the longest vacation of my life... and I'm already bored and I haven't been off that long." He slid down on the couch and leaned over to put his head on my shoulder.
I knew this was coming. The group had decided after the last album and tour, that they were taking a break- two years. Two very long years. The idea had been to give them all a much-deserved rest and some time to pursue other interests- starting a family, solo gigs, whatever. But now, barely two months into the break, Nick was already going crazy.
"You're just going to have to find something else to do... get a hobby that has nothing to do with music..." I said.
"What else is there though?" he asked in almost a whisper. Before I had a chance to say anything he asked, "Why won't you marry me?"
I turned to look him face to face. "Because of what you just said."
His expression clearly conveyed his confusion. "What did I just say?"
"You asked what there was besides music."
"Well, I mean, I know there's you... I didn't mean it like that..." he stammered, afraid he'd offended me.
"That's not it, Nick. I know you didn't mean it like that. I mean it's because you have no idea what else there is. You don't know who you are. Your whole identity is so wrapped up in that group... you don't know who you are without it." I said.
He continued to stare at me, like I was presenting him with this great revelation he'd never considered before.
I kept talking, "You just realized that you have to start looking for who you are outside of the group- and you aren't going to find that by getting married... using a relationship as a diversion to find yourself.. because you can't do that through me.. I'm not who you are.. I may be a part of you.. but I can't give you the answers you need here. I can tell you who you are to me.. my best friend, my lover, my teddy bear.. all those kinds of things, but the rest is up to you."
"But.. I... what... what does that have to do with us getting married?"
"Nick, how can you know.. if I'm what you really want... if you don't know who you are... what you want out of life.. it might not be me." I said quietly.
"No, wait..I KNOW I want you... if I'm not sure of anything else.. I know that much." he said, grabbing my hand.
"I'm just saying... I think you need to get to know YOU better. You've been a Backstreet Boy almost half of your life.. that's all you know. You don't know what it's like to have a "real" life... welcome to the real world."
"I already don't like it." he said, blinking.
I could tell he was frustrated and now trying not to cry, because not only did he not know what to do with himself, he didn't know what I was going to do either.
"Nick, you remember when AJ went into rehab?"
"Yeah.. how could I forget that?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.
"You were terrified.. because one of your best friends' life was in danger... and because it made you realize there might be a time when there wasn't a BSB... that you might have to be something on your own one day... and because being Nick Carter- Backstreet Boy was all you knew.. you were scared you might not make it on your own. But you all came out of that.. better than ever. But look at this now.. this two years might be exactly what you all need to be the best.. and then again.. it could be the end. You're going to have to be ready for whatever happens. This is the time for you to figure out who you are.. and what you want to be doing.. now.. and fifteen, thirty years from now." I slipped my arms around him and hugged him close to me as he cried. I hated to see him like this- so unsure of everything but I also knew that it was bound to happen some time... and I thought better now... than in twenty years... god only knows where the next twenty years could take him... or do to him.
I felt so bad leaving him that night- in tears and obviously in pain. But I knew he had to think, and that I couldn't be there to give him the answers he was looking for- he was going to have to find them for himself.
*****
Over the next two weeks, I worried about him- there wasn't a minute that didn't pass by that I wasn't thinking of him, wondering what he was doing, what he'd figured out. When I couldn't take it any more.. I went back home. I missed him, missed being with him.
He wasn't home when I got there, and the house looked exactly like it had when I left.. which made me think he hadn't stayed after I'd left. When he came home two days later, I found out I was right. He'd left the next morning- he'd been on the boat since then, just sailing and thinking.
"So what did you find out?" I asked.
"Beer is nasty if you leave it out on the deck overnight." he replied, trying to hide a smile.
I had to laugh, "Ah yes, the important life lessons of the brew. Anything else?"
He sat down on the couch and pulled me into his lap, "Yeah.. there's so many things I've been saying I want to do for a long time- college, working with new talent, getting my own foundation going...stuff to help other people... this is the perfect time.. maybe I'll take a few classes, do some studio work that has nothing to do with me or the guys... stuff like that... what do you think?"
I smiled, "I think I like who you are... I might just have to marry you."
He reached in his pocket and pulled out the ring box again, "I was hoping you'd say that. Out of all the things I thought about.. I thought about you the most... I know you can't tell me who I am or what I want.. but you are part of me and you are what I want.. even if I don't know anything else... I know that for a fact.. I want you with me for the rest of my life."
"And I want to be there." I said softly, looking into his eyes before kissing him sweetly.
He returned my kiss, "Thank you, baby... you're good for me."
I shook my head, "I'm good with you... we match... we go together."
"And even if it's the end of everything else I know.. I know I have you."
