The People of 19 Mornington Crescent

Kemp

a.k.a. Shit Wool

Born in Blackburn, capital of the culturaly void East Lancashire. It was here he learnt pie making, a skill which would make him popular with girls later in life. The streets of Blackburn proved unsuitable for such a sickly child as Kemp, and after one kicking too many his parents moved the family to Luton. Here he was quickly accepted by the soft children and began to read Byron and speak like Prince Charles. Deeply concernced by his son's flouncing behaviour Kemp's father moved the family to Preston and enforced a strict program of 'northernisation', where he would drive to the notorious Clayton Brook area and leave the young Kemp to fend for himself, armed only with a four-pack of Saracen Larger. This was only partly successful however, and to this day Kemp still wears face packs and goes to the theatre. His greatest love is dancing, and is particularly fond of Michael Flatley of Riverdance fame.


Yonemitsu


Born on the South Island of Japan, son of a University professor whose papers on cuboids were widely disredited by the scientific community. Dejected and frustrated Yonomitsu Snr. changed his name to Devon and became a truck driver. Yonomitsu grew up on the road, and as a child became fascinated by robots. Being highly gifted and with little to do between deliveries he constructed a bulletproof computerised car which could talk. He kept it in the back of his Dad's waggon and used it to fight crime. Like most teenagers though, he became much more interested in girls and hard drugs than he was in crime fighting. One day at a motorway service station he met an old traveller known as the Guru Josh who told him all about the acid house scene in Manchester. He worked in a piano bar for a year playing Hey Jude  to drunken businessmen in order to save for a plane ticket. Unfortuately, he arrived 7 years too late; the Hacienda had shut down and everyone was into Oasis.



Fletcher

a.k.a. Bright Rice


Born above Stanley Racing in Blackrod, a run down estate on a hill near Bolton. Son of a crown green bowling champion, also famous as a Freddy Starr impersonator and a clog wearer. Flecher's father had big plans to raise a family of bowling superstars, but Fletchers poor coordination and ludicrous purple Parka anorrak meant he was openly mocked on the bowling green. Like many other childeren of celebrities Fletcher became disaffected, seeking solace in doom metal and liquid thinners. He found it difficult to make friends at school and the back of his favourite purple Parka was often spat on. His mind weakened by thinners he became a fanatic of TV's Lovejoy, who was an inportant role model. He sold all his Candlemass albums and set about making himself look like a permed antique selling crime fighter. He walked into Bang Bang and spent twenty pounds, a fortune in 1985, on a pair of checkered jeans and Hi-Tech Strada II trainers. His life was transformed and quickly became the most popular boy in his school. These were exciting times in Blackrod, bands like Brother Beyond and Bros were pioneering a new far out form of music. Fletcher has since spent his life partying hard with beautiful girls and powerful men.