First Memory of Wanting to Dress Up

When I was 4 or 5 years old, I can remember my mother was down stairs, my younger sister and I were playing upstairs in her room. She suggested we play dress up. I had seen my mother's reaction to my sisters dressing up before. Everyone thought it was very funny. I said, "sure, let's make mommy laugh".

My sister went to her dresser and got out a pair of her cotton panties, an undershirt with a blue bow sewn on the top front edge, and one of her frilly dresses that she often wore to church for Sunday morning services. I must have gone to my room and gotten some of my clothes for her, but I do not remember any of the details about them. Funny, huh?

I can remember taking off all my "boy" clothes and putting on each and every article of my sister's clothing as though it was just yesterday. I was as excited as a small child can get. I had no reason to know why just putting on girly clothes could make me feel so good. After everything was just right and my sister was dressed in my boy clothes, she said, "Wait, you need shoes and socks". I do not remember if she wore my shoes, I was just too fascinated and excited with my new girly look. She handed me a pair of white cotton socks that had to have the tops turned down, revealing a frilly lace design sewn into the tops of each sock. They looked so good on my feet. I then put on her black patent leather shoes, each with a little buckle strap that went across the arch of each foot. (I am still partial to the same kind of shoe, only I like a 4" heel on them now J ). I can not tell you how excited I was to see myself in the full-length mirror in my sister's room. I thought, "mommy is really going to like this".

We both laughed as we hurried down the stairs to show mommy how we were dressed up. She was sitting in a chair, sewing something in our screened-in porch, just off the kitchen. She stopped when she heard our laughter and looked up at us. I will never forget the look on her face when she looked at me. She was not pleased. Her face showed anger and she immediately asked me what I thought I was doing. Her reactions caused me to go from feelings of pure joy to feelings of embarrassment for making her react in such a negative way. I was crushed. How could I be such a "bad little person"? I was made to go upstairs and change right away. Once in my room and "undressed", I cried five-year-old tears of confusion. That would not be the last time I would cry such tears. How could something be so good and so bad, all at the same time? As I got older, I often found ways to dress and feel "so good". But, I never let anyone else see me, because that would have been "so bad".

Afterthought:

While I can dress without any feelings of guilt now, I still find it necessary to keep my dressing secret for fear of putting that "look" on someone's face. Think about this for a few moments. If a five-year-old child can find excitement in something, how can that "something" be wrong?

 

Enjoy life, I am.

I welcome your comments

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