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When we arrived at the hospital, the nurse checked me, I was 3cm dialated and 90%effaced. And having some pretty bad contractions. I waited about an hour and then I asked for an epidural. Once I received the epidural, it was about oh, two hours until I started feeling any discomfort. The doctor checked me and I was complete. By now everyone had shown up, My mother, sister (Cari), My Aunts(Julie, Mary, And Christie), my grandmother(rita), and my father in law (my father was on his way with my daughter). The only ones that were in the room right now where Cari(who was video- taping), my mother, my grandmother, and my husband.
When they were getting the bed ready for the delivery, it hit us, this is it... our baby is coming.... and that meant she would also be going. I started to cry as I was pushing. Now that I look back at this. I wish I would've asked them to try and stop my labor because she came 6 weeks early. And I wish the time I had with her wasn't over. I only had to push about 5 or 6 times and she was here, weighing 4pounds 9ounces. A pretty healthy weight for a six week premature baby. She had such unbelievably red hair, just like her daddy. She was a spitting image of him. She cried so much when she first arrived. My grandmother thought that because she was crying so much that she was ok... that the doctors were wrong. She rushed out of the room to tell everyone(all my extended family) that she was alright. But she wasn't, and me and my husband could tell by looking at her. She was so purple, and she also had features of the potter's babies. She had a clubbed foot(which we didn't realize until much later). All I could do the whole time was cry... and I kept asking my mother "why?". My husband kept talking to her. I wish I would've. I was hysterical. You'd think that because I knew this was going to happen I'd be better prepared. But I wasn't. She only stayed with us for a short hour. She was born at 2:01pm and went to be with Jesus at 3:20pm. I got to hold her most of the time. And a couple family members got to hold her also, including her daddy and big sister. But my mother didn't. I feel so horrible for that. She has been there for me through this whole pregnancy. And she didn't even get to hold her grandchild while she was still alive.
Before she passed, we had the hospital chaplain come and perform a baby dedication (the baptist's baptism) for Abigail. It was very beautiful.
After she passed away, we were moved to a different room, which is where we stayed for the rest of the time. We didn't give Abigail to the hospital until we left the next morning. I know to alot of people might think it sounds weird, but I wanted to sleep with my daughter. This was going to be the only time I was going to get to spend with her. I knew that she had already gone to be with out Father in heaven, but I just couldn't give her up yet. Within that time, lots of people came to visit Abigail, some people from our church family, and most of our family members. We also got to give her her first bath. And dress her in the outfit we had bought for her. We took the molds of her tiny little feet. And we took handprints and footprints on paper too. In the morning it was so hard to leave, but I knew I had to because if I didn't I would not be able to give her up. And I knew that I had to because she had been with Jesus for almost 18 hours. I couldn't bear staying there without her so I had to go. I was there to have a baby. If my baby wasn't going to be there, neither was I.
It has only been two weeks since this all happended. Its still so hard. I think about her everyday. It all seems like a dream. It happened so fast. People keep telling me that it gets easier, not for me, it seems to be getting harder. People always ask " why did the doctors make you keep carrying her", when we tell them that they didn't, they seemed shocked. I guess I can understand why. Most people don't think its wrong to kill a "fetus". But its not a fetus, its a baby. And god created her for a reason. Even though we may not understand what that reason is today, tomorrow, next week, or even in our lifetime; One day, when we meet her in heaven, then maybe...... we'll understand. Like I said before, God creates no accidents. It was his will, that she came to be with us for only an hour. And she touched so many hearts in that hour that she was with us. I know she touched mine. Because of her I am a better person. Abortion would have only stolen all the precious time we got to spend with Abigail.
. As far as for the miracles we prayed for, The one that we wanted most was not answered the way we wanted it to be. But the greatest of all miracles was.......our baby entering, through grace, into our Father's Kingdom! Praise be to the Lord, Jesus Christ!
We miss and love you so much Abby!!!!
You will live on forever in our Hearts!
Mommy and Daddy |
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