Transition

So here comes the hard part...how to explain it all. It all started when I was just a little boy...err...girl...err...see, that's the problem.

I've always been kind of a queen.

.

When I was little, I loved wearing frilly dresses and being treated like a pretty little kid. The thing is, when puberty hit, it was a different story. My skinny kid body started to change, grow (like I wasn't already too tall), and fill out. I HATED it. But of course, I had no idea why. In middle school and my freshman year of high school, my friends (all girls) were into all the typical "girly" stuff: Teen magazine, makeup, hair, boys...and I just wasn't interested. It was so boring! I did get crushes on boys, but I felt very weird being friends with them - couldn't figure out how to relate to them...and I certainly couldn't imagine myself BEING with any of them. Which (along with several crushes on girls - who I COULD imagine myself with) eventually lead to the decision, during my sophomore year of high school, that I must be a lesbian. It made sense...and it explained why I'd always felt different from everyone else around me. However, it didn't seem to explain everything. I still felt...wrong. I still hated my body. Well, that's not true. There were certain things that I liked. For instance, I liked my arms and shoulders at the peak of basketball or softball season, when the muscles were strong and defined. I liked wearing those baby-tee shirts, when the tight sleeves accentuated whatever definition there was in my arms. What really bothered me about the rest of my body were my curves. I was just way too curvy. Not that I had words for it at the time. I just avoided mirrors and storefront windows. Actually, that's not true. Whenever I passed by a storefront window on Solano (Albany's main street), I'd want to stop and stand there, staring at myself. Something just looked wrong. Maybe it's my hips, I thought. They look too big. Or my butt. Or my chest. Or my...well, you get the idea. I couldn't pinpoint what it was.

During the summer after my senior year of high school, I was full of turmoil over the butch/femme issue. I had determined that I was a lesbian, and had become rather active in the dyke community, but I hadn't figured out where I stood. Was I butch or femme? I knew that not everyone believed in that whole dichotomy, but I felt like I had to fit in somewhere. The main thing that I knew was that I was attracted to butch dykes. So I must be femme, right? At least, that seemed like the obvious answer. But I couldn't handle the girly clothes, hair, etc. etc. etc. that seemed linked to a femme woman's identity. I tried to read Leslie Feinberg's "Stone Butch Blues" (a novel about a butch, transgendered person, dealing largely with lesbian butch/femme culture) and had to stop because I couldn't seem to figure out how to relate to the characters. I was intrigued by the main character (Jess)'s gender struggles, but they seemed so far off in the distance (mainly because Jess was butch and was attracted to femmes...definitely not my thing) that I didn't relate those issues to myself at all. Finally, I decided that I would never know if I were butch or femme, if I didn't give myself a chance to try out the butch role. So I cut off my hair. Once again, at the time it seemed like the obvious solution. Before that, I had a ponytail that went past my shoulders...and I ended up buzzing it all off. Actually, at the time, I made a webpage about it, as a link off my main page. At the time, the haircut didn't provide any (much-desired) epiphanies.

My hair hardly grew out at all before it was time to leave for UCLA.

When I got there, I was out as a lesbian from the very first day. I was tired of the high school closet, so my attitude was now "I'm a dyke, dammit! So get used to it." And I didn't have a single problem with homophobia. It was quite amazing, actually. I went to UCLA women's rap and found a circle of dykey friends to hang out with, as well as the fab five, who were all very queer-friendly girls who identified as straight. But I kept on wondering about gender. I had heard of this "trans" thing, and I knew what FTMs (female-to-male trans people) were, and they fascinated me. See, in my mind, being trans was the next step past butch. An FTM came about when a woman was so butch that she couldn't be a woman anymore. So that couldn't be me, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't associate a butch identity with myself. But I was still fascinated with FTMs. I also (in theory, because I'd never met an "out" FTM before) thought I could be very attracted to them. I eventually dismissed the idea of being trans myself, but I decided that I must be what some people call a "tranny chaser," or someone who is attracted to transpeople.

Since puberty, I had been too big for the clothing in the juniors department. I was 5' 7 1/2" at age 12, and I had the curves to match. My parents suggested that I look for pants in the guys' department, but for some reason the idea terrified me. Maybe all the other kids my age would think I wanted to be a guy, or maybe they would think I was a lesbian. When I got to UCLA and went shopping with my fab five girls, I realized one night that if everyone already knew I was a lesbian, I didn't have much to lose. And it would be nice to finally wear clothes that fit. So I bought my first pair of guys' pants...and I LOVED them! I realized that they fit me the way that I'd always wanted the girls' pants to fit. So I started acquiring more and more guys' clothing. It finally fit my body right. I began to take self-portraits in my dorm room mirror, when my roommate wasn't around. They were an interesting avenue into figuring out what was going on inside that confusing head of mine.

One night, I was talking to my friend D online. I confided in him that I had never been able to associate the word "she" with myself. It felt bizarre to think that people used it to refer to me when I wasn't there. Through more late-night rambling, I realized that I had never really associated the word "girl" with myself, either. I pulled out my journal and starting paging through it...and everything began to add up. All of the questions I was currently asking about my gender...they had always been there. Here are some examples from journal entries, dating back to June 2000:

I became better friends with D, and he became the perfect person to talk to about all of the confusion I was having. J, who went to women's rap, encouraged me to go to UCLA's trans rap group. On the first day that I went, she offered to call me by male pronouns. The idea was exciting, but it was so foreign and scary. Was I entitled to male gender attributions, if I hadn't defined myself as male? (I identified as genderqueer, or "not a girl," to most people who I confided in). But I loved it. I met the other members of the trans group, who welcomed me with open arms, despite my fears of being "not trans enough." One night, two of the members had a dinner at their house, and L let me raid her closet for boy clothes (and some really nice guy's clothes, too)! Her roommate, S, gave me a gorgeous navy blue pinstripe suit. I had begun binding (my chest) and was presenting myself as much more male than ever before. When my friends and I decided to go to LA's LGBT Prom, I wore my first suit. I also wore it, with a bowtie borrowed from my dorm neighbor, to my first UCLA band concert.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I looked great.

The guys who I hung out with at the time were all either queer, FTM, or some combination of the two. For the first time, a group of guys treated me like one of the guys. I began to come out to more and more people as genderqueer. I still couldn't manage to claim a male identity...it intrigued me, like some forbidden prize, I didn't feel like I deserved it. I wasn't butch, I wasn't masculine, my body was female, and when I hung out with straight guys, I still wasn't one of the guys. However, I did know that I was some sort of trans, whatever that meant. I knew enough to go to the Trans-Unity conference in June, 2002. On a panel that weekend, I saw a transguy who was very out as gay. Whatever, I thought. I know lots of gay guys. Then I found out that he was also trans. FTM. That was the day that I finally understood. Y'know those femmey gay guys (and some straight guys) who swish their hips when they walk, use tons of inflection in their voices, and flip their wrists every which way when they talk? That was him...to a degree. And that was ME.

From then on, I became somewhat of a trans poster boy at UCLA, simply because I had to explain my identity to everyone I met. Otherwise, they assumed that I was a dyke, which was incorrect. I liked to say that I was an ex-lesbian, just not the born-again Christian kind. I'm a lesbian turned gay guy. Because here's the thing: As soon as I began relating to guys as one of them, I could finally picture myself dating them. I actually found that they tend to peak my interest more than women do...except for certain butch dykes, who are still my weakness. Now, the problem is finding a place for myself in a world that hates feminine men and at the same time refuses to see me as one. I am currently in a relationship with another transguy, and couldn't be happier.

Many transpeople (usually people who identify as transsexual, though definitely not all) decide to go on hormones and/or get surgery to transition physically and legally to their correct gender, including myself. I have legally changed my first and middle names, and I have been on testosterone since mid-January, 2004. I also got chest surgery with Dr. Brownstein in San Francisco on June 22nd, 2005.

Since starting hormones, I have noticed definite physical changes. My body has gotten hairier (everything from my stomach to the backs of my knees, go figure), and my voice has dropped considerably, though I still sometimes get called "ma'am" on the phone and my friend's 5-year-old sister keeps asking if I'm a boy or a girl. My face has changed to become more masculine, and I have sideburns and facial hair on my jawline and neck that's slowly filling in elsewhere. The fat on my body has redistributed to my stomach, and it has become easier to put on more visible muscle. I've noticed other changes lately - email me if you want more details. This whole process has been really exciting, and I'm getting more and more happy and comfortable in my own skin.

In the sections below, I'm going to explain some of the processes that many FTMs go through when they transition physically. Everyone has their own different experience, and these are very simplified explanations. See the links at the end of this page for links to other people's websites, if you want to read some personal stories. Some of these descriptions may be rather graphic, so please don't proceed if you aren't comfortable reading descriptions of human anatomy.

Testosterone

Testosterone, or "T," is the hormone that transguys take during a physical transition. (MTFs, male-to-female transgender people, have to take several hormones, including estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone blockers. Sure makes me count my blessings.) Anyway, T pretty much causes male puberty. When an FTM goes on it, his voice changes, he grows facial hair and thicker body hair, and he finds it easier to put on bulkier muscle. Also, one of the most amazing changes is the redistribution of fat in his body, reducing his curves and masculinizing his face (jaw line). Another change that occurs is the enlargement of the clitoris. It actually begins to be shaped like a tiny penis, and it can grow to the size of at least one inch, depending on the person. Many guys also experience an increase in appetite and libido. Of course, these are gross generalizations - all of these changes happen at different rates and amounts for different people.

Chest Surgery

It can be quite difficult to pass as male when one has breasts. They tend to be a dead giveaway. To be perfectly honest, breasts are the bane of many a trannyboy's existence. If they're too big, they're impossible to hide...and if they're too small, it's impossible to find a binder tight enough to have any effect. Yes, a binder. Many of us bind up our chests, using everything from compression sports bras, to ace bandages, to neoprene back braces, to specially made compression vests. I got my binder at underworks.com. And I'll bet I can guess what you're thinking: Doesn't it hurt? Well yeah, sometimes it does, but not always. Some binding methods hurt more than others...unfortunately, it's often the more painful ones that will make you flatter. And some people will do anything, which is why so many FTMs get chest surgery to have their breasts removed and their chests reconstructed as a male shape. There are two main surgery techniques: double incision and keyhole. Double incision (for larger-chested guys) is done by making two incisions (duh) below the breasts and removing the tissue that way. Double incision is the kind of surgery that I had last June. The keyhole surgery technique is done by making an incision around the aureola and using a liposuction-type method to get the tissue out. Many people also get nipple reconstruction, if they have nipples that would look abnormally large on a male chest.

Genital Surgery

The first thing to know about FTM genital surgery is that it is rather rare. Doctors have perfected MTF genital surgery to a much larger extent than FTM surgery. Many FTMs are not satisfied with the surgeries that are available today, and prefer to wait until there are more satisfactory methods. Some guys, however, do have surgery and love the results. The two most common surgeries are called metoidioplasty and phalloplasty. Metoidioplasty is a similar technique to that used for non-trans men's penis lengthenings. Pretty much, there are ligaments that hold part of the shaft inside the body, and this surgery consists of snipping those ligaments so more of it lies outside the body. For a transman, this can add about an inch or two to what he already has...and I think I heard somewhere that the results are the best once you've already been on T long enough to have significant growth there to start with. I know much less about phalloplasty, but I do know that it includes taking a skin graft from the forearm and using it to construct a penis, which is then attached over the enlarged clit (or mini-dick, or...well, you get it. Transguys have many names for their...parts.) Many people who have either of these surgeries done also get testicular implants to complete the aesthetic. There are also ways of lengthening the urethra, making it possible to pee through the newly lengthened or attached penile shaft. All in all, it's pretty amazing stuff. I, personally, am not interested in any of these surgeries at the moment, because I have heard too few pros and too many cons in terms of size and function of the results. I'm also not sure if I want to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on something that I may be able to live without. Hey, to each their own. And who knows...a couple years down the line, maybe I'll change my mind.

Websites

Here are is the website of another transguy, as well as other resources for FTMs and people who love them. Please enjoy...

Kael's site - be sure to check out his trans resources page as well!

FTM Alliance of Los Angeles

Transster surgery photos

The Transitional Male

Trans-Academics

FTM International

There are tons more FTM resources out there, so please let me know at rmzarchibald@gmail.com if you have any more ideas for this list of links!

P.S. That picture of the little girl in the black dress and the crown at the top of the page...you know that was me, right? Just checking...

Take me home!