Okay, I'm frustrated and in a hurry now. I had this rant all written and great and then somehow it saved the rants page instead of this one? Go figure. Stupid people! Grr... Well I still want to get this done so I'm gone a try and hurry along with my plea. A real plea for help. Not with my site. But because I really do need help. And not mental help. Shame on you for even thinking that! :P
Now to my plea...
It just runs in my family to not talk about your feelings. We just don't. My dad's family doesn't. My dad doesn't. My mom's family doesn't. She didn't. And now we don't. There are occasions where some of us will open up to a select few people. Now there has to be a great deal of trust there first. So take this into consideration if I or one of my sibligns has ever told you something. We don't do it very often. Especially not my siblings. My sister is mroe shy than I am so she has a very, very small number of people she will trust. Like one or two at most. And there is usually crying involved before she'll open up. Tyler will get angry and you have to be one of the lucky ones he's not angry at AND still trusts. I've been lucky a few times in my life and we're pretty close. My mom's brothers won't talk about it at all. Period. And we all joke about things to avoid our feelings and talking about them. It's true. Now as for me? I really don't choose to talk to people very often. But it's not because I don't want to. I actually do, but there are problems. I can't just have other people initiate the conversation. That will make me clam up faster than anything else. I'm going to use my mom's death as an example throughout this but that's not the only thing this applies too. So when people ask about my mom or ask how I'm dealing with it. I'm just say fine and wish we could move on in the conversation. I'm not about to open up and say "Well, actually I've been really scared lately." or "I really miss her sometimes." No. I'm going to be as polite and concise as possible, because I won't feel like talking about it. It's just the way I am. Besides how do you respond to "I'm sorry about your mom"? I have no idea. And I've heard it a LOT. But there are times when I DO feel like talking. Quite a lot of times actually. And I'll try to express it by hinting at it. For example (sticking to my mom's death for purposes of it's easy), I'll ask about the person's mom. What's she like? How's she doing? What kind of traditions did you have as a child? And I do understand that this is an unfair way (to them) to say I want to talk. But it's what I do and it's all I got. So now to my plea. When I do want to talk, I feel like I can't ask anyone. First of all, I don't know who to ask. Who is close enough that they could come over or go for a walk and talk with me? Who do I know who would be available for a hug or a good cry? Anyone who comes close is usually busy. Secondly, I don't know how to ask. I can't just tell someone I need to talk. It's not in my nature. I don't want to be a bother to them. And so I keep it in. Besides, they are probably busy anyways. (Yes I said that twice :P). What I really need is someone I can just say "hey, let's go for a walk " to and then we just go. Drop homework (with every intention to do it as soon as we get back) and go talk. No questions asked. But people are busy. People have lives. They have school, work, homework, fiances, etc, etc. They may want to be able to help, but they just can't. Now I know what some of you might be thinking right about now. The perfect answer: just pray! Ok I will admit this is a terrific answer. I do pray a lot. I talk to God a lot about a lot of things. But see, I think He made people so that they would need each other. So they would talk and help one another. "Feed my sheep." And I just need someone sometimes who I can talk to. People said and say all the time "if you ever need anything" or "call any time" etc, etc. But I'm not always sure they mean it. So I've decided to give them the benefit of the doubt. I need something. I'm calling. Is anyone there? |
