The Old Site
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Womens views:
1. We are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension of 1, so if you get one be great full.
3. I don’t care what they did in that porno, its not standard practice to cum
on someone’s face.
4. My ears are not handles.
5. Do not push on the top of my head; do you want puke on your dick?
6. I don’t have to swallow.
7. I don’t care how relaxed you get, it’s never ok to fart.
8. Having my period doesn’t mean its "hummer week".
9. Having "blue balls" might have worked on schoolgirls but if you’re
that desperate go jerk off and leave me alone.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubes from my teeth don’t tell me I've
"wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed immediately afterwards to play video games is not
advisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably not best to ask about the origins
of out talent, just enjoy the moment.
13. No, it doesn’t taste nice and no, I don’t care about the protein content.
14. No, I will not do it while you watch TV.
15. When your friends complain about how they don’t get blowjobs often enough,
keep you mouth shut, its inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because its "awake" in the morning doesn’t mean I have to
"kiss it good morning".
Men’s views:
1. You are obligated to do it, if you don’t we will find someone younger,
prettier and dirtier that will.
2. Anyway, swallowing a spoonful of cream is better than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean
anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit, don’t worry about it and be thankful I’m
not pulling your hair.
5. When you’re on your period stuffing something in you mouth is the only way
to stop you bitching.
6. Also if your bleeding for 5 days straight you needs all the fluids you can
get.
7. You bitch about taste but trust me, we got the short straw in flavour
country.
8. At least there is no chance of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. Caress the arse too, we like that.
11. No matter how good you think you are, we've had better.
12. Its wide awake the morning now, but when your old and fat you can bet it'll
be fast asleep so make the most of it.
13. Lastly, if you swallow you don’t have to worry about getting any on your
face do you.
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BOLLOCKS SECTION (crap has
been filtered)
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Some people in
mental institutions are not aware of their situation. They are off living in a
dream world from which they cannot wake and do not know that they are. Bearing
this in mind you could actually be in a padded room somewhere living in this
'world' but the thing is you cant prove if the other people around you are
actually conscious and not just figments of your imagination, you might be
thinking use those machines that monitor brain patterns, but for all you know
such a contraption in the 'real world' doesn’t exist and your own mind invented
it, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Does a person who has been blind all his life see in his dreams? Does a deaf person hear?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What if there we no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock public toilets? Are they afraid someone will steal the seats?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you try to fail at doing something, but actually succeed at the thing, what have you done?
What sadistic bastard thought of putting an 's' in lisp?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Because of that song?
What’s the speed of dark?
Why do psychics ask your name?
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FUN THINGS TO DO
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Masturbate
Go to the park, find a dog with a really annoyed looking owner then attempt to de-flea the dog.
Study the effects of putting foil in the microwave.
Try to fit as many cotton buds up your nose as you can.
When the phone rings, pick it up, breathe heavily into it and when they say 'hello?' for the fifth time, grunt.
Attempt to buy porn while wearing PJ's 3 sizes to small for you.
Grow your hair really long, shave half your head bald, then flick the remaining hair over the bald side and see who notices.
Think of several reasons why the world should revolve around you.
Build a little shrine in the corner of your room dedicated to me.
Experiment with putting an old jumper in the petrol tank of a car and lighting it.
Put your head inside a condom.
Put 'Brake stuff' by Limp Bizkit on repeat and jump around your room head banging until your neck gets sore.
Download porn of the Internet.
Put this porn on disk and try at sell it at school.
Claim you invented the wheel.
Re-arrange all the furniture in your house when no one is in, then when your family come home insist you haven’t done anything.
Attempt to dilute water.
Go to Spain say 'Me pienso he caminado en algo desagradable. Si, es su pais.' to every person you meet on the street and see how long it takes you to get hit (it means 'I think I stepped in something unpleasant. Yes, its your country.')
Send bomb threats to all the world leaders.
Buy 10 bottles of red food colouring, drink them, and see if your urine turns red, if it doesn’t, drink more.
Replace all the paracetamol in your house with tic tacs.
Put on sum goggles, get a can of red spray paint, spray your face, take the goggle off and say you fell asleep in the sun while wearing sunglasses.
Pay for a single penny sweet with a 20-pound note.
Breed a highly intelligent race of ginger chocobos and train them to maim frogs.
Imagine what your mums’ head will look like on a stick.
Find out if you were right.
Masturbate furiously over a horse magazine.
Find out which household appliance hurts most when turn it on and lick it.
Dig a hole, get in it, get someone to fill it up so only your head sticks out, then when your found and asked what happened say 'It was like the earth just opened up and swallowed me'.
Set someone on fire and then claim you didn’t do it.
Dress up as nun, then put a replica of Zena's breastplate over the top of it, then walk round town preaching about Satan.
Hire several stripers to go to mass with you.
Piss on the floor and blame it on the dog, if you do not have a dog, get one and then blame it.
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FUN THINGS TO DO DURING AN
EXAM
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Go into the exam 5 minutes late wearing nothing but a bathrobe and furry slippers and claim you woke up late
Go in 15 minutes late, look around worried and paranoid, go to the examiner 'They've found me, I have to leave the country' then run off, every so often run through the examination hall yelling 'There right behind me, someone hide me'
Go to the exam claim its too hot, strip down to your underwear, fall asleep or pretend to, wake up 5 minutes before the exam is over, flick through scribbling on the pages so it looks like your answering them, get up 2 minutes before the exam is over, hand it in and walk out while mumbling how easy it was but make sure everyone can hear you
Play Frisbee with a friend
Pass notes that read 'You’re so gullible, you actually thought we were cheating'
Have chocolates, flowers, balloons etc. delivered to you regularly during the exam
Show up for an exam you didn’t take and fight for your right to take it
Turn up wearing a black hooded cloak and say 'I shall take your soul for that' to anyone who talks to you
Turn up wearing a black cloak and half way through the exam, put on a white mask, stand up and yell 'I’m here, the phantom of the opera' and don’t stop even while they are dragging you out
Exactly half way through the exam get a friend to run in, tag your hand, stand up and run out while s/he continues to take the exam for you
5 minutes before the end of the exam, stand up and say 'OK, lets check answers, 1... 2...' get a friend to then yell out 'Hey, I got... for 2' then have a really loud debate about it
Fake an orgasm
Bring a tool kit with you and dismantle your chair and desk, once done attempt to dismantle the nearest person’s chair and desk
Cross-dress
After 15 minutes, stand up, rip up your exam, throw the little pieces in the air and shout 'Merry Christmas' then ask for another exam claiming you lost your other one, repeat.
Play a PSP with the volume on full
As soon as you get your exam, eat it, then they cant prove they gave you one because there’s no trace of it left, then say you will sue them for discrimination unless they give you an A*
Bring cheerleaders
Bring a water pistol, ‘nuff said
3 words: fake hand grenade
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What do you call a blonde with a brain cell?
Gifted
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence
Why aren’t blonde’s good cattle herders?
They can’t keep 2 calves together
What did the blonde’s right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing they had never met
What do Princess Dianna and a blonde’s have in common?
Put either in a car and they're fucked
What do a blonde and a computer have in common?
You don’t realise how much they mean to you until they go down on you
What does a blonde wear on her ears to attract men?
Her ankles
Why don’t blondes use vibrators?
They chip their teeth
Why do blondes wear underwear?
They make good ankle warmers
What’s the mating call of a blonde?
50 quid
What’s the mating call of an ugly blonde?
OK, how bout 5?
What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduced herself
What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Walks home
Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
She’s been laid all over the country
What important question does a blonde ask before sex?
Do you want it by the hour or flat rate?
What did the blonde say to the waitress while looking at her nametag?
Debbie...that’s cute, what did you call the other one?
Why do blondes have more fun?
Because they are easily amused
What does a blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have a cockpit
What’s the difference between a blonde and a limo?
Not everyone has been in a limo
Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
Her boyfriend was also blonde
What’s the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don’t let your mates borrow your Porsche
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can’t fit the blonde in the bowling ball
What’s the difference between the blonde and the Titanic?
They know how many people went down on the Titanic
What’s the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been sighted
What’s the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A blonde has a higher sperm count
What’s the difference between the Old Grand Duke Of York and a blonde?
The Old Grand Duke Of York ONLY had 10,000 men
What did the blonde’s mum say to the blonde before her date?
If you’re not in bed by 12, come home
Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
Because you don’t have to marry them for sex
Why did the blonde get excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle after 6 months?
On the box it said 2-3 years
Why do blondes have legs?
To get from the bedroom to the kitchen
What is the annoying thing around a blonde’s cunt?
The other guys waiting their turn
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mourning?
Tell her a joke Friday night
Why did God create blondes?
Sheep couldn’t bring beer from the fridge
Why did God create brunettes?
Nor could the blondes
What do you call a smart blonde?
A Labrador
Why are blondes like frosties?
Because they are simple, easy and taste good
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last years hide and seek champ
What’s the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pigmies?
Ones a bunch of cunning runts
What is the difference between and blonde and a toilet?
A toilet wont follow you around once you have used it
How can you tell when a blonde has got a boyfriend?
Just look at the buckle print on her forehead
What’s the difference between an anorexic blonde and a fake one-dollar bill?
Ones a phoney buck
How do you get a blonde pregnant?
Cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest