Those Crazy Christians
God destroys the World Trade Center to smite homosexuals and the ACLU:
This one hardly needs any editorial.
On September 13, 2001, two days after the World Trade Center was destroyed by terrorists, preacher Jerry Falwell was a guest
on Pat Robertson's television show, The 700 Club. Here is an excerpt of their discussion.
Falwell: "What we saw on Tuesday, as terrible as it is, could be minuscule if, in fact, God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve."
Robertson: "Jerry, that's my feeling. I think we've just seen the antechamber to terror. We haven't even begun to see what they can do to the major population."
Falwell: "The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to
secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'"
Robertson:
"I totally concur, and the problem is we have adopted that agenda at the highest levels of our government."
Later in the show, Robertson led his viewers in
the following prayer:
"We have sinned against Almighty God, at the highest level of our government, we've stuck our finger in your eye," said Robertson. "The Supreme Court has insulted you over and over again, Lord. They've taken your Bible away from the schools. They've forbidden little children to pray. They've taken the knowledge of God as best they can, and organizations have come into court to take the knowledge of God out of the public square of America."
Once again the religious right dazzles us with
their compassion and Christ-like tolerance for their fellow man.
Falwell and Robertson wouldn't recognize Jesus if he came down from
heaven and bit them on the ass. Someone should buy them a copy
of the Constitution and sign them up for a Logic 101 class at their
local community college. I'll gladly foot the bill.
God has shark attack small boy:
Florida Governor, Jeb Bush paid a visit to
Jessie Arbogast, the 8-year-old boy who had his arm bitten off by a
bull shark in Florida and then surgically reattached. As of July
12, 2001, Jessie is still in critical condition and doctors fear that
his massive blood loss may have caused him brain damage.
"My heart goes out to him and to his
family," Bush said. "This is a extraordinary occurrence. I
honestly believe God has a plan for all of us, and sometimes the plan
doesn't lay out in a clear way."
God's plan is so mysterious that sometimes it
can only be completed by small boys who have had appendages bitten off
by sharks and then surgically reattached.
Here at the Closet Atheist website, I have done
some extensive research and have actually figured out what God's plan
is! God's plan is to make it appear exactly like there is no
plan at all. It is supernatural conspiracy. Or it could
just be that he wants there to be suffering. Lots and lots of
suffering.
Force your parents to be lonely:
The following appeared in Anne Landers
on 11/19/2000:
"Dear Ann: I am tired of
the way you browbeat adult children who object to their widowed
parents getting remarried. You make them out to be
"selfish," and I am sick to death of it.
My dear mother passed away five
years ago. Recently, my 65-year-old father came to me and asked
if I would be unhappy if he started to date again. I told him,
'Yes I would.' (Sometimes you have to be cruel to be
kind.) Don't you realize, Ann, that moral teachings over the
centuries have always condemned the remarriage of someone who has
died? It means he or she does not want to be reunited with their
spouse in Heaven. Why shouldn't the children be resentful?
Of course elderly singles are lonely, but that is the price they must
pay for the joy of meeting their beloved spouses in God's
kingdom."
This made me wonder, what happens to
people who DO remarry after their spouses die. When they die and
go to Heaven, no doubt their first spouse and their second spouse
would both be anticipating their arrival. Imagine that awkward
moment while the recently deceased decides who will spend eternity
with them and who will be lonely. Or if Heaven really is
paradise, perhaps it will be a threesome...
Salem Revisited:
Brandi Blackbear, a 15-year-old Oklahoma high school student, was suspended from school
in December 1999 after her assistant principal, Charlie Bushyhead, accused her of casting
a magic spell that caused a teacher to become sick. After a teacher had fallen ill and had
been hospitalized for an "unknown cause" Blackbear was summoned to the assistant
principal’s office and aggressively interrogated about her interest in Wicca, a
religion that dates back to pre-Christian nature worship. Blackbear confessed that she had
read a library book on the subject and that she might even be a Wiccan. The assistant
principal then decided that Blackbear was a threat to students and faculty and suspended
her for 15 days.
The American Civil Liberties Union has filed suit, alleging that Blackbear’s civil
rights were violated when school officials seized notebooks she used to write horror
stories and barred her from drawing or wearing symbols of the pagan religion Wicca. The
suit is seeking an undisclosed amount of punitive and financial damages for Blackbear, a
declaration that the school violated the girl's rights, an injunction preventing the
school from banning the wearing of any non-Christian religious paraphernalia and an order
expunging her school record.
Oklahoma schools have been on forefront of the battle against teaching evolution in
public schools. It is interesting to note that these school officials who want to
prevent evolution from being taught may have so little scientific background that they
believe in magic spells.
The Devil Made Me Do it:
Even though Christianity proclaims God will hold everyone accountable for their lives
on Earth, there are a few loop holes that a crafty Christian can take advantage of. First,
is the death bed repentance. Live an uninhibited life of decadence and find God minutes
before your death and beg for forgiveness. A second option, which is gaining popularity,
is the exorcism! Absolve yourself of all responsibility for your actions by blaming them
on Satan! Getting an exorcism has never been easier, just catch one of Bob Larson’s
weekly conferences at a convention center or hotel near you. Here is what Bob’s web site says about the conferences:
"He first informs his audiences about the many ways demons possess human
beings. Then he calls these evil spirits forth to face God's judgment. When that happens,
look out! It's like being in the midst of an invisible war with spiritual grenades
exploding everywhere in the audience."
They key word, of course, is "invisible." And surprise! Bob also has
something to sell: videos and audio cassettes that cost from $11 to $199. Did you know
that you may be possessed right now and not even now it? In fact just because you
are visiting my web site indicates that you probably are! You'd better buy: How
to know if you have a demon? (This cassette is a spiritual self-analysis to determine if
there are demonic strongholds in your life.)
Other titles include:
| The DOs and DON'Ts of Dealing with the Devil |
| How to Beat the Devil At His Own Game |
| How to Break the Six Strongholds of Satan |
| Can a Christian have a demon? (The answers you need for this controversial
question.) |
| Witchcraft for children (An intense expose of how witches are after our children.
You will learn the techniques they are using to draw kids into the occult.) |
| How to turn your children into delusional paranoids! |
Okay, I made that last one up. One thing Bob has overlooked is that the
best way to keep from being possessed is to become an atheist. People who don’t
believe in demons also don’t imagine that they are possessed by them.
Here is a link to an article about research done by
University of Washington psychologists who were able to convince people who original
thought demonic possession was improbable, that they had in fact witnessed a possession.
It also discusses how popular culture and movies about exorcism lead to increases
in the number of people who think they are possessed. Wired News - Beware of a
Rash of Exorcisms
Spare the rod and spoil the child:
John and Carrie Davis are being held at the West Valley Detention Center in Rancho
Cucamonga, California for torturing and imprisoning their sons, Yahweh Lord (17) and Angel
Lord (12), for the past nine years.
Deputies discovered the children with their wrists chained and whip marks on their
backs. The children were rarely allowed outdoors and had never been to a school or
a doctor. Carrie Davis did say that the boys received regular exercise. "We take them
out to exercise," she said. "We run them."
She conceded that she and her husband used restraints when the children became
disobedient while locked in their room for Bible studies. First they used strips of
fabric, tied around the boys' wrists, to tether them to a bench while they studied. That
worked "for the longest time," she said, but when they learned how to untie the
knots, she said she began using dog chains and wire wrapped around their wrists. When the
boys learned to untangle the wire, she said, she switched to stronger chains and locks.
Asked to explain their disciplinary tactics, Davis quoted the Bible's Book of Proverbs:
"'He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him, disciplines him
diligently.' I'm in chains, but they did this to Jesus too… I heard they've been
saying we are a cult. If that's true, everybody who believes in Jesus is part of a
cult."
Hmmm...
Jesus was a vegetarian:
For two-thousand years people have exploited the
name of Jesus to their own ends. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), however, have taken an interesting new angle.
They claim that Jesus was a vegetarian. "A diet without animal products at all
is what God intended," says Bruce Friedrich, PETA's coordinator of the "Jesus was a vegetarian" campaign.
"Anyone who eats meat is mocking God."
Apparently the staff at PETA doesn't include any
biblical scholars. The Bible contains references to Jesus eating Passover dinner,
which would have included Lamb, and multiplying fishes to feed thousands. Leviticus
1:9 says that burning a bull on an altar produces an aroma pleasing to the Lord. And
what about eating the body and drinking the blood of Christ at communion?
I would like to follow PETA's example of using Jesus to promote any
cause, regardless of biblical evidence, and be the first to claim that Jesus was really an
atheist.
Jesus destroys tree:
A pastor in Arizona sent me a picture of a tornado near a fallen
tree. It so happens that if you turn the picture sideways, the tornado resembles the
profile of a praying Jesus. (Click here to
see the photo as it was sent to me.) In Mark 11:20 Jesus curses a fig tree for
not bearing fruit, causing it to wither up. The evidence clearly indicates that
Jesus has a hatred of trees. Jesus was also spotted with a gas can near the point of
origin of the great Yellowstone National Forest fire of 1988.
www.chick.com
This is not a porn site, but it is still a guaranteed good time.
Chick is the web site of Jack Chick, who produces those little comic books that I think
everyone has stumbled across at one time or another. They teach children to be Christian
elitists with valuable lessons such as: Why all beliefs except Christianity-- Muslims,
Hindus, Buddhists, Mormons, Jews, Catholics (remember Catholics aren't REAL Christians)
and of course atheists-- are Satanic decoys and even if you live an exemplary life, you'll
burn in hell (sorry Mother Theresa). And how Dungeons & Dragons is just a tool to get
people to worship Satan. As an adult, I can laugh about how outrageous some of the comics
are, but as parent, the fact that the comic books are directed toward children is
frightening.
Atheists should create television commercials like they have to prevent drug abuse. Show a
smiling, bleary eyed man in a suit handing a child a Chick comic while the narrator says,
"If you don't talk to your kids about Christianity, who will?"
The Virgin Mary
DOES do windows:
The Virgin Mary's image has appeared on a showroom window of a
former Ugly Duckling car dealership in Clearwater, Florida. (Click here to see a photo). The Shepherds of Christ Ministries, the new
caretakers of the site, have set up a gift shop and now hold daily services there.
There are similar streaks on all the building's windows, but apparently none of the others
resemble religious icons.
Upon hearing this, I wondered about a few things. Since nobody
knows what Mary looks like, how do they know it is a picture of her? Couldn't it be
anyone who has ever worn a hooded robe? What could God's motive be behind the
appearance? If it is to convince people of His existence, then I'd have to say that
God is an underachiever. Probably only a fraction of the people who accept Mary's
divinity believe the image is real. Now if God would turn someone into a
pillar of salt, that would be convincing.
Satan drives a truck:
The following appeared in Dear Abby on 1/28/2000:
Dear Abby: I'm responding to the letter regarding people
who allow their dogs to ride unprotected in the back of their pickups. I believe in
divine justice. When these people go before their maker on Judgement Day, they will
be sentenced to ride aimlessly in the back of a flatbed truck over bumpy back roads,
wondering when the devil at the wheel will make his next sharp turn.
Remember, each of us will be judged by how we treated the least
of God's creatures.
--ALLEN IN EMORY, TEXAS
The least of God's creatures? Let this be a warning to anyone
who has ever set a mouse trap, had their house termited, or taken antibiotics.
Smile if you love Jesus:
An article in the 1/25/2000 Los Angeles Times by Teresa Watanabe
describes a Christian revival movement that claims God has been turning silver fillings to
gold. Here is an excerpt:
ORANGEVALE, Ca.--In the heart of the Sacramento Valley, where
49ers flocked to mine a mother lode of riches 150 years ago, Christian believers are
proclaiming a new and godly gold rush: The Holy Spirit, they claim, is miraculously
transforming porcelain crowns and silver fillings into gold . . .
. . . Here at the Family Christian Center, Pastor Rich
Oliver draws back his lip and displays a glittering gold crown he says God gave him in
March. Actually, dental records show his previous dentist put the crown in on April 29,
1991. When confronted with those records, Oliver says: "I'd have to say I was
absolutely wrong . . . [but] none of it distracts from the fact that I know God is a
healer."
Nonetheless, Oliver touts his congregation's 'gold rush' on
the Internet and lines up other church members to witness about how God changed their
teeth--and lives.
One member, Jan Rosenberg, said God changed her filling to
gold to bolster her spirits after a deep bout of depression over her mother's death. A few
days later, her right forearm started itching and suddenly, she says, a tiny cross was
divinely etched into her skin.
"You just get goose bumps, you feel God loves you so
much," Rosenberg said.
If I were a Christian I think I would be a little concerned that the
benevolent master of all creation spends his time doing the equivalent of parlor tricks
that provide no benefit to anyone. "For my next trick I will separate these
three solid metal rings!" I suppose these people could pry their fillings out
and sell them. God's generosity gives me goose bumps.
The following two entries have links to sites
that are no longer up and running.
Jesus gets funky:
Do you ever stop and imagine how much better your favorite songs
would be if they were all about Jesus?
But who has time to
rewrite all of those lyrics? Relax, the good Lord has
provided. The Re-Versed
Lyrics site is dedicated to rewriting popular songs with Christian
lyrics.
Heartbreak
Hotel, The
Wanderer, Smells
Like Teen Spirit, all your favorites are there. And
surprise, there are two versions of "I'm a Believer!"
And you thought it was hard to choose between the Neil Diamond and
Monkees versions.
Do you ever wonder what the theme to the Flintstones would sound
like if it were written by an unblinking Christian automaton?
Wait no longer. "Jesus!
Worship Jesus!" I wonder why they didn't leave the
"We'll have a gay old time!" line in at the end.
Finally a way for the faithful to cram a little more
Jesus into their lives! Now there is no excuse for your day not to be chock full of
the Lord,
whether you are listening to the radio in your car watching reruns of The
Beverly Hillbillies.
Sing along okay!
Lazy Christians Rejoice!
Too busy to say your prayers? Too hung over to get up for
church on Sunday? Don't despair, the Internet has provided a solution. www.PrayerWheel.com
Prayerwheel.com's computers will say your
prayers for you.
| "Allow our computers to
say prayers for you, for your loved ones, your needs, and for family and friends.
Our computers will say thousands of additional digital prayers for you this month." |
 |
One of the prayers that scrolls continuously on their site
claims that:
"By saying this prayer 1,000 souls will be
released from purgatory and released toward heaven ."."
The site also states that their
computers say this prayer 1,000 times a day. So that is a 1,000,000 souls a day saved! 365,000,000 souls
saved each year. In 16 years the entire population of the Earth will be saved!
Users claim that their digital
prayers are being answered.
Read the testimonials!
| "Miracle, in a coma, close to death, now
she is well" |
| "My finances have improved" |
| "My husband's drinking has stopped, he is
closer to God" |
| "She is walking, the doctors say it is a
Miracle" |
| "Susan Lucci wins, Emmy after 16
nominations" (My personal favorite) |
| "Brain encephalitis, miracle now talking
normal" |
The prayers are free, but the site
accepts donations and there are ads interspersed with the prayers. Personal prayers
will be said for a subscription fee, but no details are posted on the site.
Perhaps the best part of the PrayerWheel site is
their disclaimer:
"We make no warranties or guarantees, or implied guarantees
that the prayers said will be heard or granted by God."
You have to admire their honesty.
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