Biblical Absurdities - Compiled by Donald Morgan These lists are meant to identify possible problems in the Bible, especially
problems which are inherent in a literalist or fundamentalist
interpretation. Some of the selections may be resolvable on certain interpretations--after
all, almost any problem can be eliminated with suitable rationalizations--but it is the
reader's obligation to test this possibility and to decide whether it really makes
appropriate sense to do this. To help readers in this task, these lists are aimed at
presenting examples where problems may exist given certain allowable (but not always
obligatory) assumptions.
GE 1:1 "In the beginning
God created the heaven(s) and the earth." (But where did God dwell before he had
created heaven and earth?) (Note: Biblicists have determined that biblical chronology
fixes the date of creation at 4004 B.C. thereby making the earth about six thousand years
old. Creationists stubbornly adhere to this timetable in spite of overwhelming evidence
that the earth is actually billions of years old. Archaeologists tell us that the biblical
city of Jericho has, itself, been continuously occupied for more than ten thousand years.)
GE 1:1 "In the beginning
God created the heaven(s) and the earth. In the Hebrew, the word translated
"God" is actually a plural form and should be translated "gods" as it
is elsewhere in the Bible. (Note: The early Israelites were not monotheistic, but rather
polytheistic, although they believed their God was superior to all other gods).
GE 1:3-5, 14-19 There was light
("night and day") before there was a sun. (Note: If there were no sun, there
would be no night or day. Also, light from the newly created heavenly bodies seems to have
reached the earth instantaneously though it now takes thousands or millions of years.)
GE 1:12, 16 Plants began
to grow before there was sunlight.
GE 1:29 Every plant and tree
which yield seed are given to us by God as good to eat. (Note: This would include
poisonous plants such as hemlock, buckeye pod, nightshade, oleander.)
GE 2:15-23, 3:1-5, 1TI 2:14 Eve was created after
Adam had already been given the prohibition about eating the forbidden fruit. Eve believed
the serpent (the craftiest of all of God's wild creatures) when he assured her that she
would become wise and would not die if she ate the fruit. Eve has been blamed for causing
Adam to fall, and ultimately for the fall of mankind. (Note: Prior to eating the forbidden
fruit, Adam and Eve would have had no knowledge of right and wrong; they would not have
known that it was a sin to disobey God or to obey the serpent. After they ate the
forbidden fruit, God placed a guard around the "Tree of Eternal Life" to keep
them from eating its fruit. He could have done the same for the "Tree of Knowledge of
Good and Evil" before Adam and Eve disobeyed. In addition, even though the
prohibition regarding the forbidden fruit was made to Adam before Eve came on the scene,
Eve has been blamed for the Fall; 1TI
2:14 says: "... Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a
transgressor.")
GE 3:1-5 The serpent speaks
human language (presumably Hebrew).
GE 3:14-16 God curses the
serpent, Eve, and Adam for what they have done. (Note: This is inconsistent with God's
omniscience; God should have known full well, ahead of time, what the outcome would be.
Since God created the three as well as the Tree of Knowledge, he is ultimately responsible
for the Fall.)
GE 3:14 The serpent eats dust
for the rest of his life (by command of God).
GE 4:15 A mark is placed on
Cain as a distinctive identifying symbol when there were only three (known) persons on
earth.
GE 4:17 Cain builds and
populates a whole city in only two generations.
GE 6:4 There were giants on
the earth at one time. (Note: No evidence exists to supports this assertion.)
GE 6:5 God is unhappy with the
wickedness of man and decides to flood the earth to eliminate mankind. All living things
including plants, animals, women and innocent children are also exterminated. (Note: This
is like burning down a house to rid it of mice.)
GE 6:15 The size of Noah's
Ark was such that there would be about one and a half cubic feet for each pair of the
2,000,000 to 5,000,000 species to be taken aboard.
GE 7:17-19 The flood
covered the entire earth at the same time. (Note: There is no evidence of a worldwide
flood, but rather of many, widespread, but local floods.)
GE 7:19-20 The flood
covered the earth with water fifteen cubits (twenty plus feet) above the highest
mountains.(Note: This would require steady, worldwide rainfall at the rate of about 6
inches per minute, 360 inches per hour, 8640 inches per day--for 40 days and nights--so as
to cover the entire earth with an endless ocean 5 miles deep, thus burying 29,000 ft. Mt.
Everest under 22 ft. of water. How did the author know the depth of the water? Did Noah
take soundings? And where has all this water gone?)
GE 8:20 Noah's first recorded
action following the flood is to sacrifice one of every clean animal and bird. (Since so
few animals were saved, this could be considered rather wasteful and defeating. To see a
discussion of the various ways this verse can be interpreted, and in turn the different
ways to approach the Bible generally, see addendum)
GE 8:21 The odor of Noah's
sacrifices was pleasing to the Lord.
GE 9:12-16 God first
creates the rainbow. (Note: Apparently the laws having to do with refraction of light were
null and void prior to this time.)
GE 18:1, 7-8 God eats solid
food with Abraham.
GE 30:37-43 Jacob alters
the genetic characteristics of cattle by letting them view a striped rod. (Note: His
purpose in doing so was to fleece Laban of his cattle.)
GE 32:24-30 God takes
part in a wrestling match. He wins by injuring Jacob's hip.
GE 38:27-29 Twins are
being delivered. One puts out his hand and the midwife binds it with a scarlet ribbon to
identify him as the firstborn. But he draws back his hand, and his brother is born first
(thereby obtaining the rights of the firstborn son).
EX 4:24 The Lord sought to
kill Moses (one of his own prophets.)
EX 12:30 The Lord kills all
the first-born of Egypt and there is not a house where there is not at least one dead.
(This means that there was not a house in Egypt that did not include at least one
first-born---a most unusual situation.)
EX 12:37, NU 1:45-46 The number of men of
military age who take part in the Exodus is given as about 600,000. Allowing for women,
children, and older men would probably mean that a total of more than 2,000,000 Israelites
left Egypt at a time when the whole population of Egypt was less than 2,000,000.
EX 17:14 God says that he
will utterly blot out the remembrances of Amalek. (That remembrance is now permanently
preserved in the Bible.)
EX 28:34-35 Entering the
holy place without wearing bells can result in death.
LE 11:20-21 There are
winged creatures (birds or insects) that go around on all fours. (Note: There are no birds
that go around on four legs, and all insects have six legs.)
LE 11:6 (States,
incorrectly, that the rabbit, or hare, chews its cud.)
LE 14:33-57 God himself
believes that a house or clothes can have leprosy and he details the remedy.
LE 14:49-53 The cure
for leprosy involves incantations and the blood of a bird.
NU 11:31-33 A "wind
from the Lord" brings such an abundance of quail that "he who gathered the least
gathered ten homers," or about 62 bushels. Altogether, this would have been enough to
fill several thousand boxcars. Unfortunately, it was immediately followed by a great
plague (food poisoning?) from the Lord.
NU 22:21-30 A donkey sees
an angel, recognizes it as such, and then speaks in human language (presumably Hebrew) to
his master.
DT 1:1 Moses speaks to
"all" of Israel, perhaps 2,000,000 people (see EX 12:37 above).
DT 2:14 All of the
"men of war"--some 600,000--who left Egypt in the Exodus were dead just
thirty-eight years later. (See EX
12:37 above.)
DT 7:15 Moses promises
his people that the Lord will take away all sickness.
DT 25:5-9 A man has an
obligation to produce a child with his brother's widow. If he refuses, his sister-in-law
is to spit in his face in front of the elders.
JS 10:12-14 God obliges
Joshua by making the sun and moon stand still (so that he can finish his battle by
daylight).
JG 3:21-22 (KJV) "Ehud
... took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the haft also
went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the
dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out."
JG 7:12 The camels were
without number as the sand of the sea.
JG 16:17-22 Samson loses
his strength as a result of having his head shaved. (Note: This is not psychosomatic since
he began to lose his strength while he was still asleep.)
JG 20:16 There were seven
hundred men who were left handed and could sling a stone at a hair and not miss.
1SA 2:8, JB 38:4, PS 104:5 The earth has a foundation
and cannot be moved.
1SA 5:8-9 God causes
"emerods" (hemorrhoids or tumors) amongst the Philistines (who have captured the
Ark of the Covenant, where God was thought to reside).
1SA 13:5 The Philistines had
"... troops like the sand on the seashore in multitude."
1SA 16:14-23 Evil
spirits can come from God (and be exorcised with God's help).
1KI 3:12, 16-28 Solomon,
the wisest man that ever lived, can think of no better way to determine the natural mother
of a child in dispute than to threaten to divide the child in half. (Note: This does not
take into account the possibility of mental derangement on the part of the natural
mother.)
1KI 4:29 God gave Solomon
wisdom as measureless as the sand on the seashore.
1KI 6:2, 2CH 3:3 Solomon's temple was
only about ninety feet long by thirty feet wide, and yet --
1KI 5:15-16 153,300 persons
were employed to build it.
1KI 6:38 It took seven years to
build.
1CH 22:14 13,100,000 lbs.
of gold and 116,400,000 lbs. of silver were consumed in its construction.
1CH 23:4 24,000 supervisors
and 6,000 officials and judges were employed to manage it.
1KI 10:24 The whole world
sought an audience with Solomon to hear his wisdom.
1KI 17:2-6 The Lord
commands ravens to bring bread and meat to Elijah.
1KI 18:33-38 Fire
consumes wet wood, stones, and dust, and "licks up" water.
2KI 6:5-7 An iron axe head
"swims" (or floats).
2CH 9:23 All the kings
on earth sought the presence of Solomon to hear his wisdom.
2KI 13:21 A man who is being
buried comes alive after touching the bones of Elisha.
2KI 16:2, 20, 18:1-2 Ahaz was thirty-six years
old when he died. His twenty-five year old son Hezekiah succeeded him. Thus Ahaz was a ten
or eleven year old father.
2KI 19:35 (KJV) "...the
angel of the Lord...smote...an hundred four score and five thousand: and when they arose
early in the morning ... they were all dead...."
2KI 20:11 The shadow on a
sun dial moves backwards.
2CH 7:5, 8-9 Solomon sacrificed 22,000
oxen and 120,000 sheep in one week. This is 845+ animals per hour, 14+ animals per minute,
for seven days straight.
2CH 21:20, 22:1-2 Ahaziah was forty-two
when he became king; he succeeded his father, who died at the age of forty. Thus, Ahaziah
was two years older than his father.
2CH 13:3 Abijah sent
400,000 men into battle against Jeroboam's 800,000 men. This is a total of 1,200,000 men,
all of them Jews. (Note: Assuming one additional woman per man of fighting age, plus two
persons per man [either older persons or children] would put the Jewish population of the
surrounding area at a minimum of 4,800,000 persons; hardly feasible.)
2CH 13:17 500,000
Israelites are slain in a single battle. (Note: This is more than were lost in any single
battle of World War II, and even exceeds the number of deaths that resulted from the
dropping of the atomic bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. At Gettysburg, the greatest battle
of the Civil War, the defeated army lost 5,000 men.)
ES 6:6, JB 19:27, PS 7:9, 16:7, 73:21, PR 23:7, 16, IS 10:7, JE 11:20, 17:10, 20:12, MT 9:4, LK 2:19, 9:47, AC 8:22, RO 10:9-10, HE 4:12, RE 2:23 (See KJV especially.)
Thought occurs in the heart. The kidneys ("reins") are the seat of
conscience.(Note: This is not merely a poetic use of these terms, as is now claimed. In
early times, it was actually believed that various body organs other than the brain were
responsible for our thoughts, feelings, actions and the like. The heart was believed to be
the seat of thought processes and beliefs, while the kidneys were thought to be the seat
of conscience.)
JB 9:6 (KJV) God shakes the earth
out of its place and makes its pillars tremble.
JB 9:7 God can make the sun not
rise and seal up the stars.
JB 28:28, PS 111:10, PR 1:7, 9:10, 15:33, IS 33:6 Fear of the Lord is equated
with obtaining wisdom.
PS 58:8 Slugs and/or snails
melt as they move.
PS 121:6 It is apparently
possible to suffer moonstroke as well as sunstroke.
PR 19:23, 22:4 Fear of the Lord brings
freedom from trouble(s). Humility and fear of the Lord bring wealth, honor, and life.
PR 20:30 Blows that wound
cleanse away evil.
IS 11:12, RE 7:1 The earth has four
corners.
IS 24:1 (KJV) The earth can be
turned upside down so as to scatter its inhabitants.
IS 30:26 The moon will
someday be as bright as the sun now is. (Note: Until relatively recent times, the moon and
the planets were thought to give off their own light.)
IS 38:8 The shadow of the Sun
is made to move backwards.
IS 40:22 The earth is a
circle. (Note: The earth is really a sphere, not a circle, and this verse does not imply a
sphere as some believers like to infer.)
JE 20:7, EZ 14:9 Jeremiah says that the Lord
deceived his own prophet. God himself says that he deceives his own prophets in order to
get rid of them.
EZ 37:1-10 Dry bones come
alive.
DN 4:11 Daniel dreams of a
tree so tall that it can be seen to the ends of the earth. (Note: This implies a flat
earth.)
AM 8:9 The Sun will be made to
set at noon in "clear day."
MT 4:8 There is a high
mountain from which all the kingdoms of the world can be seen. (Note: This implies a flat
earth.)
MT 4:23-24, 9:32-33, 12:22, 17:14-18, MK 1:23-26, 32-34, 5:2-16, 9:17-29, 16:9, LK 11:14, 4:33-35, 8:2, 27-36, 9:38-42, AC 8:7, 16:16-18 Both physical and mental
Illness are caused by demon possession and can be cured by exorcism.
MT 7:7-8, LK 11:9-10 Ask and it will be
given. Seek and you will find. Everyone who asks, receives.
MT 13:41 Jesus will send his
angels to purge his kingdom of evildoers and sin. (Note: How did evildoers get into his
kingdom in the first place?)
MT 17:20, 21:21, MK 9:23, 10:27, 11:23, LK 17:6 Faith can move mountains.
Nothing is impossible if you have faith [as small as] a grain of mustard seed.
MT 18:19 If two [believers]
agree about anything they ask, God will do it for them.
MT 21:22, MK 11:24 Whatever you ask in prayer,
if you have faith, you will receive it.
MT 24:29-30 Although the
sun and the moon have been darkened and the stars have fallen from heaven, there is still
enough light to see.
MT 26:52 All who take the
sword will perish by it.
MT 27:52-53 The bodies of
dead saints arise and go in force in the city.
MK 11:12-14, 20-21 Jesus
curses a fig tree for not bearing fruit out of season. (Note: Rather than cause the fig
tree to wither and to bear fruit never again, he could have performed a miracle and made
it bear fruit even out of season.)
MK 16:17-18 Those who
believe are able to handle snakes and drink any deadly poison without suffering harm.
LK 1:39-42 The fetus in
Elizabeth's womb jumps for joy when Elizabeth hears Mary (who is pregnant with Jesus).
LK 22:28-30 Jesus assigns
each of his twelve disciples (including Judas, his betrayer) a place (or throne) in his
kingdom.
JN 6:24-30 A large crowd of
persons (probably several thousand)
asks Jesus for a sign so that they might see and believe. This occurs immediately
following the Feeding of the Multitude which should have been one of the greatest miracles
and most convincing signs of all time.
JN 8:51 Jesus says: "... if
anyone keeps my word, he will never see death."
JN 12:34 A crowd of persons
(speaking in unison?) asks Jesus a thirty word question.
JN 16:23 Jesus says:
"Whatever you ask in my name, my Father will give you."
RO 10:17-18, CN 1:23 The gospel had already
been preached to every living creature even in Paul's time.
2CO 12:2 There are at
least three heavens.
2CO 12:4 There are
things which cannot be told--things which man cannot utter.
GA 1:8-9 An angel (from
God?) who preaches a gospel contrary to that of Paul will incur Paul's wrath.
1TI 5:11 Younger widows
want to marry because their sensual desires overcome their dedication to Christ.
1TI 6:10 The love of money
is the root of all evil(s).
TS 1:12 "One of
themselves, even a prophet of their own, said, The Cretians are alway liars ...."
(Figure the logic of this verse.)
HE 7:1-3 Melchizedek had no
mother or father, no beginning or end.
RE 14:1-4 Heaven is to
be inhabited by 144,000 virgin men who have not been "defiled" by women.
RE 21:16 Heaven is only
about 1500 miles square.
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