Future and Present

Harm's Apartment

0015 EST

          Mac closed the pizza box lid that laid amongst the pictures and letters from Diane and Harm Sr. She was amazed at the things she didn't know about Harm as he recited tales from the Academy and new things about his father.  She also saw the heartfelt emotions that he still held for Diane as his eyes lit up over one of their stunts with Keeter. 

She watched him as he placed item after item in the appropriate box, laying another piece of himself in the past as he did.  She envied him at the moment for having such fondness of his past and the people in it.  The only person she could say at the moment she felt like that was Harm as she remembered how it felt when he walked out of JAG.

She also included Harriet, Bud, Little and Big AJ.  For the first time in her life she had the security that she wanted her entire life, one she hoped to have with Harm now that they were finally on the same page. 

As she sat and listened to him, she realized that on the ferry he was asking for time, time to trust again because of his loses, where as she was so desperate to just have someone to trust she wasn't listening that night.  Their collective fears are what drove them apart in Sydney and those same fears were now bringing them together.

"Mac?"  Harm looked at her with some concern, "You okay?"

She smiled. "Sorry I was just pondering things."

"Like what?"

"Like where we go from here," She then sat back on the couch, "do we go forward?"

A flicker of indecision followed by a quick flash of fear crossed his face before the look of peace and acceptance found its place.  "I would hope so, I want to go forward with you, Mac.  I don't want to know that I made the same mistake with you I made with Diane."  Then a small chuckle, "What do I mean make the same mistake, I did.  I nearly let my fear let you marry another man."

"We both let fears overrule what we wanted, Harm.  My fear of never finding love caused me to say yes to a man that offered what I wanted.  Even though I was in love with another man."  She saw the shocked look on his face as she said the word love.  "I…uh." She stuttered.

"I take it you mean that more than just a friend, Mac?"

She took a deep breath as she flashed back to the ferry, "Yes, Harm. I do."

His smile back at her and relaxed, "Good, I'm glad you do.  I feel the same."  He felt as if a great weight was lifted from his shoulders. "And I intend to let you know that. Along with trying to do better than I have."

"I hope so, Flyboy."  Getting up, Mac grabbed the pizza box and headed to the kitchen. "I really need to get home Harm.  We both have to be in the office and it is late."

Harm, for his part, sat still, knowing they still had a lot to clear up before going farther but the half of him argued that he should ask her to stay.  Be honest, that was the decision he made earlier. He got up and joined her in the kitchen. "Mac, you are more than welcome to stay here tonight."

She spun around shocked that he even suggested it.

"And I could sleep on the couch.  Neither of us is ready for the next step and I really don't think that you should be out driving." He finished rambling.

Mac relaxed, as she understood, it was the friend talking, the one she missed.  She also caught his reluctance too, the part of him that wanted to let go fighting the part that still hung on.  "Harm, I think it would be best on all accounts if I just went home.  I will call you as soon as I get there so you don't have to worry about me."

"Mac, no matter what our personal problems is, I will always worry about you.  That will never stop.  I promise you that."

"Thank you, I feel the same."  She reached up and gave him a quick peck on the cheek and headed towards the door with him right behind her. She stopped as she grabbed her jacket and keys and looked back at the coffee table riddled with memories.  "If some ex-fighter jock asks nicely, this marine is more than willing to come over and help you finish cleaning."

Harm followed her gaze and then he looked back to her, "I think that the marine already has started and it feels good to have some of the dark places cleaned out.  But I really need to finish it by myself, Mac."

"Wrong, it is about time you quit carrying these things around alone, Harm and let someone help you heal.  If you don't, then you will never be able to give yourself a chance to be happy, you will never be free of the ghosts."  Taking his hand in hers, "There are many things that you know about me that no one, not even my uncle, knows about.  You have always been there, Harm when it counted for me and right now you need me.  So you better have dinner waiting."

Harm let his fingers run over hers, "what does the marine want to eat then?"

"How about you surprise me, as long as it has meat."

"Ketchup and grease, too. Huh?"

"Sounds good to me."

"I will say one thing, our selections on where to eat are going to be something. Drive safely, Mac.  Call me as soon as you get home."

"I will, Harm."  She promised as she stepped into his arms for a hug. "I love you, sailor."

She left his embrace quickly wondering if she had said too much but was surprised when he answered back, "I love you, too, Marine. But I want to take us slow.  I don't want to screw us up.  You are too important to me."

"Slowly, one day at a time," She nodded her head, "sounds good to me.  You are very important to me also and I don't want to screw us up either.  Took us to long to get to here." Knowing if she didn't stop them soon they would be here at his door till morning. "Goodnight, Harm."

"Night, Sarah."

May 19th 2001

Mac's Apartment

2000 EST

          The TV was on but she wasn't watching it, she was going over in her mind how close the day was almost her wedding day to Mic.  Had he not decided to take her to lunch and had the hostess not placed them in a both behind Bobbi, Anne, Jordan and Kate, it would have been.  Thank God for small miracles.

          The stares and rumors flooded JAG for the first few days after she showed up without the ring on and then like gas to a flame the gossip blazed as everyone found out Harm was no longer dating Renee.  The first thought everyone had been that Harm and Mac had finally confessed their feelings for each other and were now a couple.  They were right, of course. But by their agreement to take things slow, Harm and Mac did nothing new around the office and treated each other exactly the same.  After a week or two of being scrutinized by their coworkers the conclusion was abandoned.  The laughs that she and Harm got out of it in their phone conversations at night were worth them playing it safe.

          Now two months later, without the heated stares and gossip, they were starting to see each other a little more. Hell she was ready for more then just a conversation here and an occasional touch and kiss there.  She wanted to take the next step but she was letting Harm set the pace.  And for someone who liked to fly mach 3, he sure was slow on the ground.

Harm's SUV

In route to Mac's

          Harm was doing his best to remain focused on the road in front of him as he thought about the woman waiting for him to come over.  Keeping up a front for the office so that rumors would die was starting to kill him.  With Mac's help with a few isolated visits in the guise of work to his place, he had finally gotten to the point where he could bury Diane and with his mother's help he had what?  Of course Mac didn't know this yet, but after tonight she would.  He was ready to let go and move on with whatever the future threw at him.

          A week ago a case sent him out to California and a chance to talk with his mother.  Surprising her over his break up with Renee and connection to Mac, he needed advice. How does one get over someone they loved?

          His father was something Mac already helped with and something he was ready to place to the side.  Someone he would never forget but someone he needed to be over, someone that needed to rest in peace.  Mac knew what he meant and she had gone farther than anyone else in his life over his father.  For the first time in his life he was over his father.

          Diane had been harder and after speaking with his mother last week he finally understood, the ache never goes away but with time the heart has room for another.  Trish asked Harm if Mac was that 'other' and again for the first time on his life without hesitation he said yes.

Last Week

May 17^th

          "Are you scared Harm?  Scared that if you love again she might leave or die?"  Trish asked Harm as they sat out on the patio.

          "Always right to the point, Mom," he chuckled as he stood up. "I can finally answer that and say yes.  Every time I have pursued something I love it gets taken away from me, dad, flying, Diane and Sergei." He walked over and leaned on the railing. "I am so afraid that she will be taken from me like everything else has been."

          "Oh Harm, honey." Trish said as she came up behind him, placing a hand on his back.

          "I don't know what I would do without Mac, she is the only one besides Diane who understands me, lets me be me and loves me without strings attached."

          "Well, then it sounds like it is time for someone to tell her those things before he misses the chance to."

          "I have, Mom."

          "Then what is holding you back?"

          "Saying the words was easy," he turned back to face her, "it's, "He stammered, "It is so hard to let the shields down.  How did you do it?"

          "Well it wasn't easy with a pissed off teenager around I will let you know that."  They both grinned. "It was one of the hardest things I ever did but it was worth it.   I wouldn't trade a day with Frank just like you wouldn't trade a day with Mac.  Let her know that you love her, but don't just tell her.  Show her.  I think you have come to the place in the road, the proverbial fork, chose the one with life and Mac in it."

          He pulled his mother close. "Thanks, Mom."

          Trish Burnett hugged her son tightly as she silently thought of how to meddle enough to get them to give her grandchildren soon.

Back to present

          Harm found a parking space with relative ease and grabbed the roses he had in the back seat.  Climbing the stairs at two at a time, he soon found himself in front of Mac's door.

          Mac jumped with the combination of knocking at her door and Jingo's bark. "Who's there, boy? Huh?"  She asked as she came over to greet her unexpected visitor.  She was taken aback when she looked through the peephole to see Harm who wasn't do in from California till Monday. "Harm!  When did you get in?" she exclaimed as she opened the door.

          "About four hours ago, but I wanted to surprise you."  He answered back as he entered the apartment and handed her the flowers.  "These are for the beautiful Marine that I love."

          Caught off guard by his total demeanor, Mac was speechless. She took the flowers from him and shut the door.

          Harm's smile grew as he watched her try to assess his mood and what was going on.  "You okay, Mac?  You seem awfully quite tonight."

          "Uh, oh.  I'm fine.  You just caught me by surprise. These are beautiful, Harm.  Thanks.  I take it that your trip was a good one?"

          "Yes, it was a great trip.  Beat Bud, impressed an Admiral and got to see my mother.  She said to tell you hello and that she looks forward to meeting you soon."

          "Meet your mother? Harm, like when?"

          "She is coming out the for Memorial Day."

          "Harm, if you came over to kill me with surprise after surprise then you are doing a good job of it.  So you told her we were seeing each other?"

          "Not exactly.  I told her I was in love with you and planned on spending my life with you.  She was happy about it and decided she wanted to come on out and meet you."

    The reaction he got was great, Mac's mouth fell open and her eyes grew big.

    Mac stood there stunned and then realized that her jaw was hung open, closing it, she headed to the kitchen to get a vase for the flowers.  'Had he really told his mother that?'  Kept running around her mind as she came back out to join him on the couch where all she could do was stare at him.

    Harm began to get self conscious as Mac stared at him. He knew she wanted to know if he really told his mother how he felt towards her, but the mischievous part of him wanted to wait till she asked.

    Mac finally swallowed and asked him that, "Did you tell your mother that you loved me?"

    Taking her hand in his, "Yes I did Mac, I told her that I was in love with this marine, she asked if it was you and I said yes.  We also discussed a few other things."  He paused for a moment before going on." She also helped me put the lid on a few boxes."

    Mac understood immediately, he was letting go of Diane and his father. "Are you sure Harm?  I didn't understand last year but I do now and if you need,"

 Harm cut her off with a kiss. "What I need, Sarah is for you take the lead and let me know what you need.  I can't promise that every now and then things won't pop up and cause a moment of reflection, but I am ready to start living again, feeling again with you."

    She closed her eyes, "Are you sure, Harm?  I want you and I want us to work but I don't to rush you into anything you're not ready for."

    Instead of answering her, he kissed her again, pulling her close to him.  "I will always have fears Sarah. They are a part of both of us, but together I think we can handle them better than apart.  I realized, with some help from my Mom that there is room for the love and the fears and the love fights fears better if you are with the one you love rather than apart from them."

"I love you, Harm.  I love you so much I don't know what to say."

"How about yes." he asked apprehensively.

"Yes to what?" she wondered.

"Say yes to living life out with this sailor for the next fifty or so years?"

"Don't tease me, Harm," she asked as she pulled forward enough to look into his eyes." Please," and then, "and what happened to me leading?"

He grinned sheepishly, "After you say yes I have no doubt that I will never be in the lead again.  I love you, Mac and now you know my intentions.  You asked to be my obsession and you are that Mac and you'll be that forever."

She smiled back at him, "I am so glad that you are asking Harm, and yes to everything."

"Everything?"

"Yes, everything. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I will forever be in the lead and being your obsession for eternity sounds like fun.  Just remember that from here on out things will move quickly."

"I think I can handle that." he finished as he pulled her into his lap

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