Mac's Apartment
2030 EST
Mac awoke with a jolt as thunder boomed from outside. A quick look around and she realized that she must have fallen asleep crying. Crying both in anger and hurt from the two men in her life, well one current and one ex man in her life. The sting of the afternoon was still fresh as she sat up to turn on a light.
She wondered what Harm was doing right now? Did he make up with Renee or did she leave him and is he now waiting to see what you have planned? Was he waiting smugly knowing that you were the one that misunderstood him and now after all is said and done you have to come to him or is he wondering how mad you are and is afraid as usual to face you? Can he let go?
Mac sighed, as she knew that he would never come over to her and see what was up. She knew that he would hide just like he always does, away from everyone and sulk alone.
Grabbing her car keys from the coffee table, she got up with one goal in mind, to get her life back in order, with or without Harmon Rabb.
20 minutes later
Harm's Apartment
Mac dashed for the door as the rain pelted down in sheets and lighting flashed across the sky. After shaking her self off she climbed the stairs in hope of releasing some of the pent up anger that she was keeping at bay. Part of her wondered if Harm was even home as she pulled up and saw that the lights in his apartment were dimmed but damn it she had driven over there and she wasn't leaving till she was sure.
As she made the landing to the third floor she noticed that his door was ajar and that jazz music was softly playing from the CD player. Creeping up so that she could see inside she found him sitting on the couch with several boxes around him, one with the label of Dad on it.
He was sitting there smoking a cigar with a bottle of beer in front of him, it was obvious that he'd given up on her coming over and that Renee was indeed gone. For there was another box sitting by the door marked Renee. A small smile at knowing she wasn't alone in getting dumped this afternoon helped her ego.
She slowly entered the apartment, with Harm still oblivious to her, and then saw what he was reading. It was from the box labeled Diane, the letters from him to Diane, the same ones left to him after her death. A part of her heart went out to him, losing a love like that, never getting a chance to say what you feel inside and never knowing how they felt in return.
Mac looked away as her mind then played devils advocate, which was better, living with the unknown or being totally rejected? The pain from the ferry hit her anew and her anger flared back up.
"Harm?"
Without looking at her, "I was wondering if you were ever going to show up, I gave up an hour ago."
"That's some ego you have there Commander since when in all of this did I have to be the one to come over?"
"You are the one that has gotten hurt the worst Mac," taking a deep breath, "The one who needed to decide if she was ever going to talk to me again. You are also the one who needed time to settle down before we talk. I figured that meant the ball was in your court."
Mac stared at him for a second and then sat across from him and the pile of memories on his coffee table. What she found was a mixture of Diane and his father. Leaned over and picked up a picture of Diane and Harm.
"That one was taken by Keeter when we spent a weekend in Maine before we graduated. It was the weekend that we decided to wait and see how our careers went. I pushed that idea more than she did but she understood and agreed."
"So I'm not the first girl you told to wait then? Did you ask her to wait for eternity?"
Their eyes met as the pain from that night glowed in hers, "No. I asked her if she could handle being married to a pilot after he finished school. Because I wanted to get through that before getting married, and I asked her if she could stand putting up with my absences and the danger I would be in."
"What did she say?"
"That she didn't want to end up like my mother, as much as we loved each other she didn't want to end up raising our kids alone. So in a way, we both backed out." He stood up and started pacing. "After my crash, we reconnected to a degree but I was too messed up from the crash to see what I could have had. I shut her out and we grew apart. Because I was still reeling at losing my dream as a pilot, I was the one who told her I needed time, I pushed her away."
"But you told me that you were about to meet for the weekend when she died so that you could decide your future."
"We were Mac, I had finally gotten my life back to a point where I could handle things, handle working a desk for the rest of my life, that I would never fly as a pilot full time again but every now and then I could go back up. I knew I was ready to start thinking about her, a family and the dream my father never got to live."
"But then she was murdered,"
He stopped and looked over at her, "Everything was jumbled again. I had no idea how to handle anything and when I came back from the Patrick Henry." And he stopped
"What are you trying to say?" She asked wanting him to say it as she finally got a grasp on what he was feeling. She felt for him and the pain that was showing in his eyes as he relived the nightmare of several years ago.
He stumbled over the words in his head for a few minutes before answering her, " I needed time to readjust again, get rid of the few ghosts that still hung onto me from my past. I just wanted time Mac, why couldn't you have waited?"
The question just hung there, the heartfelt anguish that came with the question heard by both.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked that." Harm picked up his empty beer and walked to the kitchen to throw it away. He felt her eyes piercing his soul from behind him. It was the question that he had been asking himself all evening after finally coming clean with his feeling for her. He finally understood himself what he was asking for that night on the ferry.
What he needed that night was time to finish putting Diane in his past, get over the fact that he would never succeed in the air like he wanted too but that the medals and recognition that he did have would have to suffice. That he would be Harmon Rabb the lawyer and not Harmon Rabb CAG he grew up wanting to be. In the end with his inner battle, that was enough. Was he not the winner to one but two DFC's, his peers knew that he was an equal as both a pilot and a lawyer.
Now he was ready to face his feeling for Mac, the ones he tried to bury, tried to discount because she looked like Diane. The ones that Kate pretty much threw in his face when she left and the ones every woman in his life said he needed to deal with.
He knew that she felt the same, or at least did over a year ago, could they work past the pain, the barbs and the past to have the relationship he was finally ready to deal with. The other puzzle he had been turning over and over in his mind since Renee left him hours ago. He never knew pain like the pain he felt that evening when Mac hadn't shown up.
"No you shouldn't have asked but since you did, I'll answer." She replied as she came up beside him and leaned her back up against the counter. Harm for his part just faced the cabinets without any emotions showing. "I wanted more Harm, I wanted it then. And the most important part is you never let on that you felt more. Only with me was what you said and that location doesn't change who we are. And that eternity was how long we were going to have to wait. What kind of cryptic message in that did I miss?" The hurt evident with every word as she said held tears at bay, not wanting to cry in front of him.
She was caught off guard by the chuckle he let out, "I don't know Mac. You have always seemed to be the only person to read me like a book, I just expected you do it again. I never realized that I was that cryptic that night. I guess the woman seeking emotion wasn't reading the man who wasn't ready to give it. But I do understand how you felt that night Mac, I felt the same way a few days later at the airport when you showed up with Mic's ring on you finger."
"It was like a knife was plunged deep into your soul?"
"Yes, and from that moment on, I just fought everything I felt. I fought it because if you didn't want to wait for me, then why should I fight later on. I want you to know that I only want the best for you and I'll do whatever makes you the happiest. I swore that after I saw how much I hurt you that night."
Shaking her head, "So that's why you never said or did anything after we got home, except the remarks and comments about Mic." She reached up to his face and turned him so she could look into her eyes, "So what's best for me now? You should know that Mic left me this afternoon, it seems that your fan club finished us."
"I knew that as soon as you walked in." He said as he grabbed her left hand, rubbing her ring finger. "It was the first thing I looked for when you sat down tonight."
"Harm I never meant to hurt you, but that night."
"I know Mac I know. I look back and realize that I am as much to blame. I wanted to talk with you that next evening but you made plans with Mic."
"And everything went downhill from there." She turned to walk away, "Damn your pride Harm. Were you really going to let me marry him?"
"Yes, because I thought that you'd given up on me and he seemed to make you happy."
"I can't believe you Harm, you would willing let me marry another man."
"Mac," as he walked back to the living room to stand behind her, "how can I explain it." throwing up his hands. "The best example I can think of and I know you hated it was when I went back to flying. I know you wanted me to say more that day, you wanted to ask me to stay but you didn't. You didn't for the same reasons I didn't. Because the happiness of the other was more important."
Mac stood still as she digested his reasoning, knowing that he was right. That they always seemed to be putting the happiness of the other in front their own, "So what are we going to do about that?"
"Try to be up front with each and listen to what we are really trying to say and quit hurting each other."
"So where do we start Harm?"
"Are you really all that upset that you and Mic are through?"
She walked away from him and faced out the window. Be honest, "No." She finally whispered.
"No. Did I hear you right."
"Yes, I said no Harm, as much as should be upset I am not. Right now I could hang you for all of this and I place me on the same branch because I blame myself too." Letting out a slow breath, "Are you over Renee?"
"Renee who?"
"Be real here Harm."
"I will be honest, I cared for her, I still wonder if I could have made a life with her if you married Mic. But, you see, there is this marine that holds my heart."
She smiled as she caught him smiling back, "Can I ask something else?" She waited till he nodded, "What is it with the boxes?"
"I was packing Renee's stuff and needed a box, then I came across those in my closet. I guess I was trying to finish packing those memories so I can move on. So I can let go. But Mac," he said lowering his head, "I am going need help."
She walked over to where he was standing, still unsure of this uncharted territory that she was heading with him, and took his hand. "I believe that I am free right now, no commitments and nothing better to do. Would you like my help?"
"I have been told that I have an obsessive disorder. Think that you can handle that?"
With a smirk, "As long as I am the obsession. Yes, I think that I can."
For a long moment Mac stood in fear that Harm was going to back away again, back to hiding under the walls that surrounded his emotions. Her fear didn't last long as he pulled her close and kissed her.
