BrandensStory

Branden's Journey

My Heart Will Go On.midi: Original song by CelineDion

WebPage Graphics

Made ~For the Love of Branden~ by Branden's Mommy

Please note: I do not have the rights to any of the Graphics here, EXCEPT personal pictures that are used, BUT please, out of respect for my son, do not "borrow" the things from His site.Please use the links here to get anything you might want to use. Thank you!!

Email us: colee1970@hotmail.com

Back to Branden's Memorial Page

This page is a special page for me. I get to tell the story of my son. This is Branden's journey from beginning to end, and how one very special little angel taught us to never take life for granted because it can be taken from you quickly, to always cherish the simple things, and hang on to every precious moment.

I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child, Branden, in late November of 1995, about the same time our oldest child, Aaron,had his 5th birthday. We also have a daughter, Cassidy, who was 13 months old at this time. I had gestational diabetes while I was pregnamt with her, and controled it by following a diabetic diet. It was nice to lose 40 pounds and only gain 10 of it back. She still weighed 10 lbs. 8 ozs. at term. After she was born my diabetes went away for a while, but it came back, and stayed.

Branden right after birth

Aaron 1990

Tim & I in August 1996

Cassidy 1994

Other than being diabetic I had very good pregnancies. Never had morning sickness with any of the kids. I knew my diabetes was a lot worse with Branden and my sugar had been way out of control. I went to our family doctor that delivered my other two children on December 11, 1995, he confirmed my pregnancy, and put me back on the diabetic diet I had been on with Cassidy, but my sugar was just not going to cooperate this time. I kept telling him all along that I needed on insulin, but all he would do was tell me to eat better. I had a few ultrasounds and we found out that Branden was a boy, and he was growing quickly. How exciting to add another son to our family!! I stayed on my diet and did everything I was supposed to, as best as I could. I knew how dangerous it was for my sugar to be so high, especially pregnant. We finally got tired of this doctor because he would not believe anything we told him, I am a firm believer in the fact that "I know my body better than he does" and I kept telling him I needed something besides just a diet for my sugar. I decided I needed a second opinion on my diabetes so I made an appointment with another doctor.

Branden's Casket

Branden's Flowers

Our Little Angel

At the end of May in 1996 we went to another doctor for a second opinion. He also felt that I needed something more than just diet. He put me on a low dose of insulin and told me he wanted me to come in every week since my sugar had been so badly controlled. He really seemed to care about me and my baby, so we switched doctors. He also told me that the next week he would be out of town, but to schedule my next appt. for the week he got back. It was Mothers Day weekend and Tim took us all out to eat. When we got home I checked my sugar only to find out it was nearly 400. My doc was out of town so I called my mother who works for the Health Department. In turn she called a nurse who quickly got me in to a high risk pregnancy clinic in Little Rock, AR.

June 4, 1996 I go to the clinic, and I have never been anywhere in my life where the doctors and nurses care so much for their patients. I really felt like I was being taken care of and my baby was going to be in such good hands. They did a full checkup with blood work, ultrasounds, and sugar screenings. They told me I had to go check in the hospital for insulin adjustment, to be prepared to stay all week. We check in at UAMS, which is across the interstate from the clinic. They get my insulin dosage going, and by 3 days it was running in the normal range all the time, and I was getting exercise by walking the hospital halls. They also did another ultrasound while I was there and my baby appeared to be doing fine. He had flipped into the breech position though when he was head down the last time. I met some nice women who were pregnant, most with diabetes like mine. We all sat and talked, and even played poker one night. By day 4 they released me and I got to come home with my sugar well regulated and on 1800 calorie diet. I had to return on June 18 for my next appt.

On June 18 I went to the clinic. My sugars were still doing great and my baby was doing great also. His heartbeat was normal. Everything was fine except that he was getting to be the size of a full term baby now. I was not due until August 25, 1996 and he was already that size. My report was good so I went home to wait until my next appointment a few days later. I returned on July 2. They performed another ultrasound to check the baby. My gosh he was big for his gestational age! Since my birthday was July 5 I asked if they would take him on my birthday since he was already bigger than a full term baby. I don't know why I asked that other than I had a wierd feeling and I was really miserable at this point. But I also see their point...they told me that he appeared to be normal and healthy so they would not "pluck" him before he was "ripe". After all, he was still a preemie and they did not want to cause any potential problems for him.

My birthday came and went without any problems, but I was starting to have some contractions. They were mild so I figured they were just Braxton Hicks. I had them with all 3 of the kids so I did not think anything about it. On July 8 the contractions had gotten worse and Branden was not moving as much as he had been. Mom got a home health nurse to come out that afternoon and check his heartbeat and be sure he was alright. It was about 5 p.m. when she came. She found his heartbeat. It was still in a normal range, but it seemed faint. The contractions were a little stronger, but she said that everything appeared fine. She told me to call my mother and get her to take me up to Little Rock the next morning to be sure I wasn't in labor. I was so uncomfortable....I couldn't sit up straight. He was up in the top of my uterus and wouldn't move. All that night I didn't feel right, just had a wierd feeling. I could not get comfortable or sleep. I was sitting up in the recliner about 10 p.m. or so and I got the strangest feeling ....like something was leaving me...I can't explain it. I went back to bed only to toss and turn. I got up about 7 a.m. on July 9 and went to the bathroom. I had lost my mucous plug sometime during the night so I knew I was in real labor. I made Tim go with me this time to Little Rock, and thank God I did. I got my friend, Toni, to come stay with the kids, went ahead and took the suitcase because I knew deep down that I would not be back that day. We got my mother to drive us there. The whole way I never felt him move. I knew ....I knew before we got there.

We rushed up to the clinic on July 9, 1996. I told them I was in labor but I was not feeling the baby move. The y put me in an exam room and tried to find his heartbeat, but it was silent. There was no noise of any kind. I burst into tears, and Tim looked at me... we knew then our son was gone, and I believe that was him I felt leave me the night before. The doctor said she couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler so she did an ultrasound just to be sure. There was nothing. Nothing but stillness and a baby stuck across the top of my uterus. I called everybody back home and told them what was happening. We had to decide if I wanted a natural delivery or a c-section. I decided on a c-section because Branden was breech and a big baby. I got checked into UAMS about 1 p.m. that day. They done all the normal things they do for labor and deliveries. I was scheduled to deliver later that afternoon, but they had an emergency csection and they asked if they could perform that one first. I said well of course, save her baby, and come get me after that one. They finally come get me after 9 p.m. and wheel me to the surgery suite. I got my spinal and they started surgery. I was crying uncontrollably by this time...Tim was sitting at my head with the anethiesiologist. My blood pressure dropped too low once from the spinal and I thought I was dying, but they gave me an injection and it came right back up. All the doctors were crying when Branden was delivered at 10:15 p.m. They told us they couldn't find anything wrong with him at all. The main doctor came over to me and grabbed my hand, crying, and told me he was beautiful and he weighed 10 lbs. 7 ozs. and was 19 inches long. Then they have to ask the dreaded question.. if we want to have an autopsy done....I was horrified...laying on the operating table and they ask you these things. We both say NO, but now, 7 years later, I do wish I had one done. They get done with the surgery and wheel me to recovery. I ask for my baby so we can hold him.

They bring us this little bundle dressed in a cute gown, with a cap, socks on his feet, diapered, and wrapped in a hand crocheted blanket....He was so cute it was hard to believe he was gone. I was hurting pretty bad from surgery by this time, but we keep him with us for about an hour to say our goodbyes. Tim holds him for a while...so does my sister, Cindy, and my mother. We all talk to him and tell him we love him...kiss his little hands. I take a sock off and look at his feet...they look just like his daddy's! My pain gets worse, and reluctantly, we finish our goodbyes, and I give Branden back to the nurse so I can go get some pain meds and rest. They got his footprints for me, took some pictures, gave me his outfit...this is all I have left of my baby. I do well after surgery and get to go home on July 11, 1996.

We made funeral arrangements the next day. It all seems like such a blur... Maybe it was the pain medication. We picked out a tiny little blue casket with tears streaming down our cheeks. They told us Branden had been gone just a little too long by delivery time so he could not be embalmed because his veins had collapsed. They also told us that he had been dead about 24 hours before delivery and that would have been at exactly the same time that I had that wierd feeling the night before he was born. We got to see Branden one more time...he had on a cute little sleeper my mother had picked out. We put his blanket and his teddy bear in with him, and a family picture of all of us to keep him company. We got the funeral home director to cut us off some of his hair as a keepsake. By this time it was 4 days after his birth and Branden had gotten a little darker, but to us he was still beautiful. It's kind of hard for a stranger to see that beauty, but he is still our son, and to us he is beautiful.
Our Branden was laid to rest on July 13, 1996 with a nice little service. The pastor from our church officiated. We had a nice monument made with his birth info on it along with a Noah's Ark.

Some people do not understand how you feel if they have never lost a child. Most people are willing to talk about their experience. It helps them heal. Not a day goes by that we don't talk about or think of our son, and brother. He will forever be a part of our lives and we all know that someday we can hold him again. He has left some wonderful footprints on our hearts. He is our little guardian Angel in Heaven. We love you, Branden!

I will never forget you, see upon the palms of my hands I have written your name.
Isaiah 49: 15-16