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Very funny joke I received from Tamouh
Hardware vs. Software
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an
airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to
play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines,
turns away and tries to sleep.
The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,
"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.
Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."
Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!"
Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"
Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop
computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour hands
the Engineer $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the
question?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the
Programmer, turns away and tries to sleep.
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I have every reason to believe that computers were created
female. Six Reasons to prove it so:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message 'bad command or file name' is about as informative as 'if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you'.
And the number one reason is:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
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YOU KNOW YOU
ARE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...
> >Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
> >You ski uphill.
> >You speed walk in your sleep.
> >You answer the door before people knock.
> >You sleep with your eyes open.
> >You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
> >You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
> >You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
> >The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.
> >You lick your coffeepot clean.
> >Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
> >The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
> >Your T-shirt says, "Decaf is the devil's coffee."
> >You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
> >All your kids are named "Joe."
> >You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
> >Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet and Low."
> >You don't sweat, you percolate.
> >You've worn out the handles on your favorite mug.
> >You've built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers.
> >People get dizzy just watching you.
> >People can test their batteries in your ears.
> >When someone asks you," How are you?", you say," Good to the last drop."
> >Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
> >You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
> >You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
> >You speak perfect Arabic without even taking a lesson.
> >Your Thermos is on wheels.
> >You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.
> >You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
> >You think being called a drip is a compliment.
> >You don't tan, you roast.
> >You don't get mad, you get steamed.
> >You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
> >Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
> >You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
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Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering
from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she
couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where
he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had
the gentleman sit in a chair.
Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse
ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the
nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him
into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked
up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
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There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the
train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were
no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was
this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train
came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as
if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face
as if he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia
Schiffer and she must have missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss
me and actually kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train
goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that
English bastard again.
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A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while,
they came upon a small cabin. God is faithful, they both agreed,
and they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets
and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on
the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall
asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold."
He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got one of the blankets and
placed it over her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and
started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said,
"Father, I'm still cold."
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and
got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo
cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an
idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever
know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun
said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own
stupid blanket!"
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Billy goes to heaven
I received this joke from a dear friend of
mine (Tarek - aka alwa7sh) Bill Gates died in a car accident.
He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the
world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to
do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to
let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied,
"Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the
two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both
places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" God said,
"I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said,
"OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There
were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the
water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the
temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is
great!" he told God."If this is Hell, I REALLY want to
see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about
playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as
Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So
Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up
on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God
arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming
amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and
tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God
asked. Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected.
I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place
with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the
water?" God says "That was the screen saver".
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Overworked!
=--=
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of
sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the
real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48
million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves
16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work
for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million
to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in
hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
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>> >> The paradox of our time in history is that we
>> >> have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider
>> >> freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend
>> >> more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less
>> >> We have bigger houses and smaller families;
>> >> more conveniences, but less time; we have more
>> >> degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but
>> >> less judgment; more experts, but more problems;
>> >> more medicine, but less wellness.
>> >> We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced
>> >> our values. We talk too much, love too seldom,
>> >> and hate too often. We've learned how to make
>> >> a living, but not a life; We've added years to
>> >> life but not life to years.
>> >> We've been all the way to the moon and back,
>> >> but have trouble crossing the street to meet the
>> >> new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but
>> >> not inner space;
>> >> We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
>> >> We've split the atom, but not our prejudice;
>> >> We have higher incomes, but lower morals;
>> >> We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.
>> >> These are the times of tall men, and short
>> >> character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.
>> >> These are the times of world peace,
>> >> but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less
>> >> fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These
>> >> are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier
>> >> houses, but broken homes.
>> >> It is a time when there is much in the show window
>> >> and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology
>> >> can bring this letter to you, and a time when you
>> >> can choose either to make a difference, or to just
>> >> hit delete...
>> >> Author Unknown
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The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Taiwan-
Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it
was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along.
After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't
like Chinese."
The F.O. replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?"
The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't
like Chinese."
The F.O. said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah.
That JAPANESE, not Chinese."
And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it
doesn't matter. They're all alike."
Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer said,
"No like Jew."
The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink
the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same."
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The Good, The Bad, and the
Ugly
>Good: Your hubby and you agree, no
more kids
>Bad: You can't find your birth
control pills
>Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
>
>Good: Your son studies a lot in his
room
>Bad: You find several
porn movies hidden there
>Ugly: You're in them
>
>Good: Your husband understands
fashion
>Bad: He's a
cross-dresser
>Ugly: He looks better than you
>
>Good: Your son's finally maturing
>Bad: He's involved with
the woman next door
>Ugly: So are you
>
>Good: You give the birds and bees
talk to your daughter
>Bad: She keeps
interrupting
>Ugly: With corrections
>
>Good: Your wife's not talking to you
>Bad: She wants a divorce
>Ugly: She's a lawyer
>
>Good: Your daughter got
a new job
>Bad: As a
hooker
>Ugly: Your
coworkers are her best clients
>Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
>
>Good: Your son is dating someone new
>Bad: It's another
man
>Ugly: He's your best
friend
>
>Good: Your wife is pregnant.
>Bad: It's triplets
>Ugly: You had a
vasectomy five years ago
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>>Subject: Together again
>>
>> > > > > A young woman married and had 13 children.
Her
>> > > > > husband died.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > She soon married again and had 7 more
children.
>> > > > > Again, her husband died.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > But she remarried and this time had 5 more
>> > > > > children. And again, her husband died.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > Alas, she finally croaked.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > Standing before her coffin, the preacher
prayed to
>> > > > > the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving
woman
>> > > > > who fulfilled His commandment to "Go
forth and multiply."
>> > > > > In his final eulogy, he noted: "Thank
you, Lord, they're
>> > > > > finally together."
>> > > > >
>> > > > > Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner
asked:
>> > > > > Do you think he means her first, second or
third
>> > > > > husband?"
>> > > > >
>> > > > > The other mourner then replied: "I think
he means
>> > > > > her legs."
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> >> Lesson
Number One
> >> A crow was
sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A
> small rabbit
> noticed
> >> the crow, and
asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing
> all day long?"
> >>
> >> The crow
answered, "Sure, why not."
> >>
> >> So, the rabbit
sat on the ground below the crow, and
> rested.
> >>
> >> All of a sudden,
a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and
> ate it.
> >>
> >> Moral Of The
Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you
> must be sitting very,
very high up.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Lesson
Number Two
> > >> A turkey
was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
> able to get to
> the
> > >> top of that
tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got
> the energy."
> > >>
> > >> "Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
> replied the bull.
> > >>
"They're packed with nutrients."
> > >>
> > >> The turkey
pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
> actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first
> branch of the tree.
> > >>
> > >> The next
day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
> second branch.
> > >> Finally,
after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
> at the top of the tree.
> > >>
> > >> Soon,
though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer,
> who shot the >
>> turkey out of the tree.
> > >>
> > >> Moral Of
The Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but
> it won't keep you
there.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Lesson
Number Three
> > >> When the
body was first created, all the parts wanted to
> be Boss. The brain
said, "I should be Boss because I
> control all of the body's
> responses
> > >> and
functions."
> > >>
> > >> The feet
said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain
> about and get
> > >> him to
where he wants to go."
> > >>
> > >> The hands
said, "We should be the Boss because we do all
> the work and
> earn
> > >> all the
money."
> > >>
> > >> Finally,
the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at
> the idea of the >
>> asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole
> went on strike, blocked
itself up
> > >> and refused
to work.
> > >>
> > >> Within a
short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands
> clenched, the
> feet
> > >> twitched,
the heart and lungs began to panic, and the
> brain fevered. >
>> Eventually, they all decided that the
> asshole should be the
Boss, so
> the
> > >> motion was
passed. All the other parts did all the work
> while the Boss >
>> just sat and passed out the shit!
> > >>
> > >> Moral Of
The Story: You don't need brains to be a Boss --
> any asshole will do.
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