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More Jokes

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Very funny joke I received from Tamouh

Hardware vs. Software A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and tries to sleep.

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I have every reason to believe that computers were created female. Six Reasons to prove it so:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message 'bad command or file name' is about as informative as 'if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you'.
And the number one reason is:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...


> >Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
> >You ski uphill.
> >You speed walk in your sleep.
> >You answer the door before people knock.
> >You sleep with your eyes open.
> >You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
> >You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
> >You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
> >The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.
> >You lick your coffeepot clean.
> >Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
> >The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
> >Your T-shirt says, "Decaf is the devil's coffee."
> >You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
> >All your kids are named "Joe."
> >You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
> >Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet and Low."
> >You don't sweat, you percolate.
> >You've worn out the handles on your favorite mug.
> >You've built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers.
> >People get dizzy just watching you.
> >People can test their batteries in your ears.
> >When someone asks you," How are you?", you say," Good to the last drop."
> >Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
> >You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
> >You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
> >You speak perfect Arabic without even taking a lesson.
> >Your Thermos is on wheels.
> >You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.
> >You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
> >You think being called a drip is a compliment.
> >You don't tan, you roast.
> >You don't get mad, you get steamed.
> >You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
> >Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
> >You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

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Thanks but no thanks

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?" "It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."

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AN IRISHMAN, AN ENGLISHMAN AND CLAUDIA SCHIFFER

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she must have missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped for it.'

And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.

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The priest and the nun

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. God is faithful, they both agreed, and they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold."
He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got one of the blankets and placed it over her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still cold."
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

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Billy goes to heaven

I received this joke from a dear friend of mine (Tarek - aka alwa7sh) Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God."If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says "That was the screen saver".

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Overworked!
=--=
  For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of
sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48
million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves
16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work
for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4  million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in
hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

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Worth the time to read and ponder


>> >> The paradox of our time in history is that we
>> >> have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider
>> >> freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend
>> >> more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less
>> >> We have bigger houses and smaller families;
>> >> more conveniences, but less time; we have more
>> >> degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but
>> >> less judgment; more experts, but more problems;
>> >> more medicine, but less wellness.
>> >> We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced
>> >> our values. We talk too much, love too seldom,
>> >> and hate too often. We've learned how to make
>> >> a living, but not a life; We've added years to
>> >> life but not life to years.
>> >> We've been all the way to the moon and back,
>> >> but have trouble crossing the street to meet the
>> >> new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but
>> >> not inner space;
>> >> We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
>> >> We've split the atom, but not our prejudice;
>> >> We have higher incomes, but lower morals;
>> >> We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.
>> >> These are the times of tall men, and short
>> >> character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.
>> >> These are the times of world peace,
>> >> but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less
>> >> fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These
>> >> are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier
>> >> houses, but broken homes.
>> >> It is a time when there is much in the show window
>> >> and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology
>> >> can bring this letter to you, and a time when you
>> >> can choose either to make a difference, or to just
>> >> hit delete...
>> >> Author Unknown

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Titanic and Peal Harbor


The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Taiwan-
Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it
was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along.
After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't
like Chinese."
The F.O. replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?"
The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't
like Chinese."
The F.O. said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah.
That JAPANESE, not Chinese."
And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it
doesn't matter. They're all alike."
Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer said,
"No like Jew."
The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink
the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same."

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 The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
>Good:    Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
>Bad:      You can't find your birth control pills
>Ugly:     Your daughter borrowed them
>
>Good:     Your son studies a lot in his room
>Bad:       You find several porn movies hidden there
>Ugly:      You're in them
>
>Good:     Your husband understands fashion
>Bad:       He's a cross-dresser
>Ugly:      He looks better than you
>
>Good:     Your son's finally maturing
>Bad:       He's involved with the woman next door
>Ugly:      So are you
>
>Good:     You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
>Bad:       She keeps interrupting
>Ugly:      With corrections
>
>Good:     Your wife's not talking to you
>Bad:       She wants a divorce
>Ugly:      She's a lawyer
>
>Good:       Your daughter got a new job
>Bad:         As a hooker
>Ugly:        Your coworkers are her best clients
>Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
>
>Good:     Your son is dating someone new
>Bad:        It's another man
>Ugly:       He's your best friend
>
>Good:      Your wife is pregnant.
>Bad:        It's triplets
>Ugly:       You had a vasectomy five years ago

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>>Subject: Together again
>>
>> > > > > A young woman married and had 13 children.  Her
>> > > > >  husband died.
>> > > > >
>> > > > >  She soon married again and had 7 more children.
>> > > > >  Again, her husband died.
>> > > > >
>> > > > >  But she remarried and this time had 5 more
>> > > > >  children. And again, her husband died.
>> > > > >
>> > > > >  Alas, she finally croaked.
>> > > > >
>> > > > >  Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to
>> > > > >  the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman
>> > > > >  who fulfilled His commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
>> > > > >  In his final eulogy, he noted: "Thank you, Lord, they're
>> > > > >  finally together."
>> > > > >
>> > > > >  Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked:
>> > > > >  Do you think he means her first, second or third
>> > > > >  husband?"
>> > > > >
>> > > > >  The other mourner then replied: "I think he means
>> > > > >  her legs."
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MORALS

>        >> Lesson Number One
>        >> A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A
>        small rabbit
>        noticed
>        >> the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing
>        all day long?"
>        >>
>        >> The crow answered, "Sure, why not."
>        >>
>        >> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and
>        rested.
>        >>
>        >> All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and
>        ate it.
>        >>
>        >> Moral Of The Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you
>        must be sitting very, very high up.
>        > >>
>        > >>
>        > >> Lesson Number Two
>        > >> A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
>        able to get to
>        the
>        > >> top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got
>        the energy."
>        > >>
>        > >> "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
>        replied the bull.
>        > >> "They're packed with nutrients."
>        > >>
>        > >> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
>        actually gave him  enough strength to reach the first
>        branch of the tree.
>        > >>
>        > >> The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
>        second branch.
>        > >> Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
>        at the top of the tree.
>        > >>
>        > >> Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer,
>        who shot the > >> turkey out of the tree.
>        > >>
>        > >> Moral Of The Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but
>         it won't keep you there.
>        > >>
>        > >>
>        > >> Lesson Number Three
>        > >> When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to
>        be Boss.  The brain said, "I should be Boss because I
>        control all of the body's
>        responses
>        > >> and functions."
>        > >>
>        > >> The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain
>         about and get
>        > >> him to where he wants to go."
>        > >>
>        > >> The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all
>        the work and
>        earn
>        > >> all the money."
>        > >>
>        > >> Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at
>        the idea of the > >> asshole being the Boss.  So, the asshole
>        went on strike, blocked itself up
>        > >> and refused to work.
>        > >>
>        > >> Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands
>        clenched, the
>        feet
>        > >> twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the
>        brain fevered. > >> Eventually, they all decided that the
>        asshole should be the Boss, so
>        the
>        > >> motion was passed.  All the other parts did all the work
>        while the Boss > >> just sat and passed out the shit!
>        > >>
>        > >> Moral Of The Story: You don't need brains to be a Boss --
>        any asshole will do.

 

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