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All About wives......

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,dear, but I was in
love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has,you wish you had ordered that

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't  know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife
wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the  same thing: "You can
have mine."

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married  him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,"I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from  me, sympathy?"

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than
single men. It only seems longer

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money,a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman-then, BAM!, it was
all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out...

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.  Of
course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a
moment and then says,"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it  once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"  Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

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English well talking.........

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towel please.
If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage
of the chambermaid.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave
in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he
still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking.
Here speeching American.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even
foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our
horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and
spend the afternoon having a good time.

These are signs in hotels and other public places in
foreign countries where they make the effort to write
signs in English but their efforts go astray.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance,
men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with
each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the
latest Methodist.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has
been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for
ladies from their own skin.



On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.


In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your
bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your
first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested
not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed animals.
If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women
and other diseases.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for
the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should
press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear
with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.
These were executed over the past two years.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors
in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you
nothing to hope for.

In the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet
soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let
loose; beef rashers beaten up the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous,
efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit.
Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common,
but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.

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