Arnab, 1999/08/23, "News Item #5"

Scratch-Man Apprehended

Calcutta, August 20. - Calcutta Police today apprehended a man near Taratolla on suspicion of being the notorious Scratch-Man. The man, whose name is yet to be ascertained, is in his forties and is reportedly suffering from severe psychological trauma.

Police sources at Lalbazar said that the arrest was for the man's own protection and they had no evidence connecting him to the assaults. "Our psychologists are examining him. As of now, we are only interested in his safety and well-being," Deputy Commisioner of Calcutta Police, Kingshuk Ghosh said. However, the feeling in general is that the notorious Scratch-Man had finally been caught. Anirban Mukherjee, OC Taratolla, told reporters, "It may take time to frame charges formally but we have no doubt in our minds that this is the same Scratch-Man who has made life hell for bald people in this city. This arrest proves the efficiency of our policemen and their commitment to uphold the state of law and order in the city."

The accused was first spotted by a group of commuters who noticed his strange behaviour as he repeatedly crossed the busy streets abusing bus-drivers as he vigorously scratched his head. "For a time we were amused at his efforts to direct traffic but when he started scratching and shouted at bus-drivers calling out something like 'Palashbaur Baccha' we realized that this was none other than the mad schratcher", an eyewitness said. He was promptly surrounded by a throng of angry passangers who pelted stones and abuses at him till a team of policemen led by Mr Mukherjee arrived at the scene. The incident tied up traffic in the region for four hours.

Later in the day, police psychologist, Dr Biswapesh Chattopadhyay said that he had interviewed the apprehended man. "It is too early to say definitively but the accused fits the profile that we had drawn up. He is middle aged, is traumatized by his hair loss and is in constant fear of a bald man he calls Palashbabu. We believe that this phobia is a result of sexual abuse at a tender age." Responding to questions about the course of action, Dr Chattopadhyay said, "The accused is in a state of shock. He cannot even remember his own name. Clearly he needs medical and psychological treatment but we cannot ignore the fact that his actions were indeed criminal. We need to balance punishment and treatment relative to his crimes and mental state."

(Page 1)

Vanka, 1999/09/10, "Spinning A Web"

The bell ringing in the background really puts me off - if there is anything I hate, it is the sound of the doorbell. It has a jarring effect and scares the flies away. I mean imagine a situation where the trout has come near the bait and is now just starting to nibble. Just how bad would the angler feel if someone came blowing a trumpet at that precise moment and startled the trout away? My point exactly.

The chap who entered the room after having rung that miserable ringing contraption was one of the most hideous spectacles of humanity that I have ever laid my eyes upon. These chappies come in all shapes and sizes - a dozen types for a frigging dime. But this fella would get a gold medal for creepiness in my book anyday. He was horribly well dressed and well-oiled and disgustingly clean. The type of bloke who would attack a decent dusty cobwebby room with a missionary zeal and reduce it to spick and span cleanliness. A definite danger to society - these snobbish self-righteous bastards. My tenant (bless him) is made of solid gold though - he has never shown any inclination towards the dark side - cleaning up a room is as alien to him as letting go of a fat juicy dish of a beetle is to me.

My tenant seemed to be surprisingly cordial to that blot in the landscape. I was half hoping that he would give him a royal boot and throw him out of the house. I have seen him do that on a coupla occasions with some other types - even seen him brandish a knife with some expertise one or two times. But for once he actually seemed to be invite the chap to sit down. The guy did do so - but he seemed to be uncomfortable and was sniffing the air with an elaborate frown. Obviously the room was not good enough for His Lordship's tastes.

Mr Clean : So how are you getting along Somnath? Have not seen you in a long long time now. How's everything going old buddy?
My Tenant : Oh fine! Just fine - life rolls along you know, rolls along....
Mr Clean : How much fun we had in the good old days didn't we - back in Parnasree..
My Tenant : Yeah - those were the days, weren't they...

There seemed to be a pause at this point. My tenant and the chap both seemed to look away and concentrate on different aspects of the room. The guy focussed on a spot on the ceiling where the cement had fallen in last month and my tenant looked out of the window for some time.

Mr Clean : Met Ashes the other day. He told me that you had taken up astrology..
My Tenant : (hastily) Oh no no - just dabble in it for fun you know - just for fun. Not really into stuff of that kind at all. Ha ha - Ashes told you did he - was just playing a prank on him ....
Mr Clean : Cut it out Somnath - I know all about the things you have been up to over the past few years. Have a written record here with me, old chap. Have too many sources to supply me with good information, you know.

My tenant did not seem to take to these words too kindly. I was not very inclined towards this chap myself, as I may have had occasion to point out to you before. I half expected my tenant to get up from his creaky sofa seat and land some of the juiciest on him. I would have been extremely happy to assist him in that endeavour in any way I could have - spitting my half digested cockroach on him would have been for me the work of an instant. However, at that very moment , my attention was diverted by the presence of a very sleek and attractive bumblebee that had come hovering near the web. And you know - all said and done - narration has to take second place to my stomach -can't help it boss - such is life. By the time I had successfully pocketed, er, swallowed the creature, some spider minutes had elapsed and when I looked down, all seemed to be well between the two below.

Mr Clean : You are just the person who can help me now, Somnath. I need a person who can go and find something for me very discreetly. Can't trust my sources on this - need someone who is really good at the job.
My Tenant : So you are saying that you met a guy at a bar who said he was associated with a shady fellow - the Boss or something - person who you say is the Head of a sinister organisation. Why the hell should you be bothered about that?
Mr Clean : Because there is much much more to it than meets the eye, my dear Somnath, much much more. There is a lot I haven't told you yet. I have definite knowledge that this Boss person is a very influential member of society who may play a major hand in important events in the days to come. He is none other than Jagdish Rai - the chap who is almost sure to win the Assembly elections this year!

The chap seemed to say these words with a triumphant flourish as if he had just pulled a rabbit out of a hat. And in truth, much to my disgust, my tenant seemed to have been moved by this news as well. He seemed to look at that fellow with considerably greater amount of interest than before.

My Tenant : And how exactly do you know that?
Mr Clean : From the very same Satram fellow - he slipped out that crucial piece of info that apparently he had just got his hands on. Isn't that really something? Imagine - here we have a guy who is about to stand for election. A very prosperous and healthy cow who is already being milked by Palashbabu , unless I am mistaken. And he has huge skeletons in the cupboard and dirty linen just begging to be washed in public. Why shouldn't we get our fingers in the pie as well, Somnath, why shouldn't we?

I wondered for a brief moment as I savoured the after-taste of the bumblebee. By the way, have you ever attempted to eat a bumblebee? The crispiness of a bumblebee is only matched by the spicy kick one gets from its abdomen and the delightful lingering after-taste of its wings that fills your mouth and leaves a warm glowing feeling in your heart. A butterfly comes close in competing with that crispiness and a moth can leave the competition far behind with its unique tang, but say what you will, a bumblebee's a bumblebee. No question about that. But I digress.

Where was I? - hmm ... yes - I found myself wondering who this Jagdish chappie was - a very important personage, no doubt, since both my tenant and this chap seemed so interested in his private affairs so much. I had a cousin who was an incorrigible gossip who lived in a tiny inconspicuous web on the roof of the Kali Mondir and was privy to all the talk of the town that took place every afternoon in those marathon gossip sessions at the Mondir. Had to update myself on this Jagdish person from him pronto.

My Tenant : (who seemed to have grown very interested) And how do you propose to go about doing this unearthing of Jagdish Rai's dirty secrets?
Mr Clean : I have a source who supplies me with information about all holy men inside and outside the country, and a list of the clientele they command. I have definite information that Jagdish Rai pays regular visits to seek sounsel and advice from a sloka spouting sadhu called Vankananda who resides near the Jagannath Temple in Puri. I am positive that this Vankananda nut would know quite a bit about our man. And Somnath - you are a past master at extracting information from people - we have always known that - you were the one who found out all about the Ashes-Jyotsna affair so effortlesssly. You must have honed your skill to perfection by now, right? You would be just the right person to pump this Vankanada for info. And then we could make the rich and important Jagdish Rai dance to our tune.

My tenant smiled for the first time during the conversation, and seemed to nod his head in a pleased fashion.

My Tenant : I have been passing through a very difficult phase in my life. My confidence had been undermined and my powers seemed to have been deserting me. But you have made my day- you definitely have made my day. I will go to Puri at the earliest and find what I can from this Vankanada. Leave him to me.

And much to my relief - that insufferable visitor finally shook hands with my tenant in what seemed like a distressingly warm manner to me, and took his leave.

My tenant came back to the room whistling a happy tune to himself and seemed to say something very softly that I just barely managed to hear. Something like "And who is to know what I may do with that information Bhutan - who is to know."

Ashes, 1999/09/10, "September Near Gariahat"

It was a worried Sheeb who accosted Narod the other day, "Dekho Narod, ami boroi chintito. September eshe gelo, aar kichudin porei Durga baper bari jabe. Edike khobor to bhalo noi, sunchi deshta naki uchchonne jachche. eto tension aar sojyo hoyna. tumi ekta kaj korbe, ekbar Kolkata giye bapar sapar dekhe asbe - asole ki hochche amar jana darkar, noyto Durga-ke pathate amar sahoshe kulochche-na."

Palashbabu was having an extremely difficult time in his saree shop. The big rush of puja-shopping had begun and he was several hands short. Three out of his five assistants were nowhere to be found. He wondered whether this was Abani's doing, that idiot who owned an apology of a shop across the road. After all, Palashbabu commanded the largest share of the market at this place. With a stifled oath, he turned and joined Hari and Bapi to attend to the customers.

After a while, a S8 bus came to a stop infront of Palashbabu's shop, evicted some passengers and a big cloud of smoke, and went its way. Ashes stood at the bus stop for some time, buried in thought. After a while, he jerked his head up, in a manner of putting all doubts to rest, and strode purposefully into Bongo-Nari Saree Palace. His brisk stride was at once smothered out as he entered the place. There were about 15-20 shoppers and the place was crammed. He could see Palashbabu, but Palashbabu could not see him. Nor was Palashbabu interested in seeing Ashes; he was busy trying to convince a middle-aged lady that at the quoted price, this was the best jamdani saree she could get anywhere.

After much pushing and shoving, Ashes managed to reach a small clearing at the center of the jungle. Although he was as far away from Palashbabu as he had ever been, this gave him the respite to look around and take in the scene. The shop was very neat and clean, exactly what you would expect of a shop on a roll during high season. Brightly coloured sarees were stacked along the walls, waiting to be displayed and judged. Along the long counter lay hundreds of unravelled garments while the patrons stood around unimpressed. One lady kept shouting in a shrill voice "sobuj, sobuj" but no amount of greenery seemed to satisfy her. Behind the ladies who had occupied counter-front positions stood the bored husbands, sons and daughters. One little girl pleaded, "Ma, taratari koro - Cinemata shuru hoye jabe je!" Someone brought out a blue saree and the green lady pointed to it - "Oi je, ota holo sobuj, chokh kana naki?"

Right about then a kid walked in with three steaming glasses of tea and a shrill voice shouting, "rasta din dada, rasta din boudi, cha jachchhe - sabdhane bhai". A narrow path somehow formed itself and Ashes took his cue. Following the tea-boy, he was at the counter in no time at all.

Ashes: Palashbabu...
Palashbabu : Bolun ki chai, jamdani, amdani na benarasi. Are, Ashes je, how come you are in these parts? Started your pujo shopping? You have come to the right place.
Ashes : No, not exactly, there are some other matters I want to discuss.
Palashbabu : (slightly miffed) Well, now? Ummm, okay ... what?
Ashes : (having to raise his voice over the din) I came to ask you whether there has been any progress about the the marraige thing.
Palashbabu : Well, yes, of course. We talk about it everyday.
Ashes : But don't you think we should get along with the preparations now?
Palashbabu : Actually these days, I am extremely busy, as you can see. Shouldn't we let the pujo be over before proceeding furthur?
Ashes : I am very unhappy by the way you people have been treating me.
Palashbabu : (distracted) Hya, ki bolle baba, ektu jore bolo - ja awaj ekhane.
Ashes : Why am I being brushed off in this manner? Why is no one giving me a straight answer? How many more times do I have to hear "pore dekha jabe"?
Palashbabu : (in a soothing voice) Na, baba, nothing like that. I like you very much. But Mashima wants to, well, do more research before making up her mind. You must give us a few more days, baba Ashes.
Ashes : A few days back I called Mashima to asked her about the progress of the marraige. But she just murmured something and hung up on me - just like that. Tell me, Palashbabu, is that the way you treat your hobu jamai?
Palashbabu : (doing his best to soothe Ashes while rebuking Bapi who had dropped a pile of merchendise from the top shelf) Yes, yes, I heard of it. Ek minit darao baba. (to Bapi) Are gobet kothakar, kotobar bolbo, opor theke ekta, ekta kore saree bar korbi. Tui ki honuman je gondhomadhon tule anbi? Ebar prottektake abar thik kore bhaj kor. (to an irate customer) Ektukhani wait korun, ami ekhuni ashchhi. (back to Ashes) What can I say? Mashima, I mean my wife, sometimes gets these notions - I don't know where from. Sometimes she decides that she will not talk to a male voice on the phone. It is really very embarassing. Let me assure you that you need not worry, as soon as this pujo rush gets over I will personally come over to your house and arrange everything.
Ashes : Alright, so it is settled then?
Palashbabu : Well, we'll have to wait for my wife's, Mashima's, approval, but other than that, of course. Even Mamoni likes you a lot.
Ashes : (delighted) She does?
Palashbabu : Oh yes. She is very excited about America and all that stuff.
Ashes : (confused) America?
Palashbabu : Well, Ashesbaba, I will have to take care of business now, ha ha. By the way, did you want some sarees? Do you want to look at some of these Jamdanis? I am sure boudi, your mother, will like them. What about some dhutis for yourself? We have dhutis too - (raising his voice) ei Hari, oi notun dhutir bakshota bar kore aan to. Ekhane Jamaibabuke dekha.

Ashes had to literally tear through the crowd for some fresh air, and boy, he really was in need of some. Never, since he had been subjected to the movie "Scorpion", had he been so severely asphyxiated. "Oh my God", he said, "America!"

"Khobor bhaloi, moheshwar, chintar bishes karon nei. Kolkatar loke ekhon sharee kinte ar biye korte besto. Rasta ghat jom-jomat, haf charar jayga nei. Goriahater hawker-ra uthe geleo loker utshaho ek binduo komeni. Ektai shudhu jhamela. Scratch-man bole ekta odbhut oshurer agomon hoyechhe. Se raat birete nike tak matha chulke beraye. Tobe tate apnader kono ashubidha hobe na - jodiyo, Ganesh-er ektu jhamela hote pare. Pujor shomoy ebar abar vote bole ekta utsob hobe. Ta niye rakkhash rakkhashira besh mete utheche. Manush-debotader kono bhoy nei. Ta ebar apnio giye ghure ashun na Kolkata theke?"

Anindya/Arnab, 1999/09/09, "The Rubik's Cube, Or 2001 Ways To Leave Your Lover"

"Yes, Two Thousand and One. Two-Oh-Oh-One. Yes, it's a number and it's also a movie. Will you just shut up and get the tickets? Six 'o' clock at Nandan. We can talk then - bye."

That was all she said.

Life had become miserable for Robin. He held on to the receiver thinking about the terrible time he was having since he first visited Harkata Lane. For the last three days he had been trying to talk to Anita and all he got was Mr Sen confusing him with some Rabon and Mrs Sen likening him to a "tumur"! At least that's what he thought she said. And now Anita wanted to see a movie called "2001"!

Robin reached Nandan a couple of hours before the show. Tickets were easy to get as not many people seemed interested in movies as bizarrely named as "A Clockwork Orange", "Dr Strangelove Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb" and of course "2001: A Space Odyssey". Apparantly this was some kind of a retrospective of a director called Stanley Kubrick. Kubrick? Wasn't this the guy who made "Eyes Wide Shut", the obscene movie? "2001: A Space Odyssey"! What kind of a film was that? The displayed captions didn't give him much confidence. What with people flying about space and a big red light-bulb, and a bunch of monkeys have in common? One had to wonder what the hell was going on. Why couldn't Anita pick normal movies like other people?

Robin wandered about the Nandan complex trying to get a hang of the place. It was very strange indeed. There were couples to his left and couples to his right and a crowd of people directly behind. Up ahead was a bearded, long haired dude singing Rabindra sangeet with lusty loudness. He wandered over to a tea-stall and contemplated the fountains. Soon a bunch of kids joined him, apparantly fresh from a movie experience.

Young Male : Oi bajnata ki chilo re?
Young Female : Beethoven-er Ninth Symphony.
Young Male : Besh bhalo.
Young Female : Cinema-tar nam Clockwork Orange keno bolto?
Young Male : Janina, adhbhut nam.
Scraggy Male : Dom deoya komlalebu. Komlalebuta holo shomaj, manush diye toiri kintu jontrer moto chole - kono manushyotto nei.
Young Female : Eta bhalo bolechish.

(Scraggy Male lights a cigarette)

(Young Male lights a cigarette)

(Young Male leaves)

Anita showed up two minutes before the show. She stood out in the crowd in her jeans and Calgary Flames t-shirt, drawing strained necks and the occasional catcall. The sight of her, after two full months, set Robin's heart thumping to a stronger rhythm. Anita however seemed to be made of sterner stuff. She ran up to Robin shouting "Hurry, Hurry" and physically dragged him into the theatre.

Robin watched the apes patiently for fifteen minutes. He was just begining to get the hang of things when out of the blue a bunch of spaceships appeared. It was extremely disconcerting, to say the least.

"Baba, lokgulo ulto hoye hatchhe keno?"
"Ora prithibir ulto dike to, tai jonne"

"Baba, HAL kake bole?"
"Ota computer, Robot-er moton lok"

"Anita, can we go now?"
"SHHHH!"

After the movie, they went up to the Benfish counter and ordered some cutlets. Anita was glowing with contentment and assumed her usual verbose self.

Anita : So Rob-bin, did you like the movie?
Robin : I don't know. I-I didn't really like it much. What was it all about anyway?
Anita : It was a story about evolution.
Robin : Evolution? No, I didn't understand anything. The last part was horrible.
Anita : Hmmm.
Robin : I think we should have seen "Titanic" instead.
Anita : Again?
Robin : Or maybe "Matrix". People say it's a good movie.
Anita : C'mon. Don't come out with such dumb suggestions - please!
Robin : Why do you think that I am being dumb?
Anita : I didn't say you were "being dumb" - I said that you were coming up with "dumb suggestions". There is a distinction. I cannot accuse you of "being dumb" because that's what you always are. I am accusing you of forcing your dumbness in the form of suggestions. (smiles) Just kidding. Well, I take it that there are things you are dying to tell me. Out with them.
Robin : (very off-balance) I-I met your parents.
Anita : And?
Robin : I think I screwed it up.
Anita : Very nicely put. What the fuck were you thinking? You told my mom that I had been staying over at your place! Do you know all the shit that I have been going through after coming down here?
Robin : I-I am sorry Anita. I didn't mean to, it just came out. Y-Y-Your mom is a lawyer, she forced me to say it.
Anita : Oh please, she's a lousy lawyer at best. You'd better come along with me tonight and clear the thing up.
Robin : I-I don't want to go back there right now. I'll go over later. So how were your exams.
Anita : Pretty cool. Last week we went to Jasper to celebrate. It was great.
Robin : We?
Anita : Me and Rahul.
Robin : (pained) Rahul Seth? Why do you have to go around with that fellow?
Anita : (petting Robin) Oh-ho. Is little Robin jealous? That is so very sweet. C'mon, he's just a friend. Moreover you were not around to take me - were you? (embracing Robin and snuggling up to him)
Robin : Even when I was around, you and Rahul Seth used to go to all these places. Last year, on 15th August you even spent the night with him in a tent at Banff.

At that moment a official type fellow illuminated them with a flashlight.

Official : Dada, eta bhodro loker jayega. Ja korar bari giye korun.
Robin : S-S-Sorry.
Anita : Fuck you!
Official : (threateningly) Ki bollen?
Robin : Kichu na, dada, amra uthe jachchhi. (to Anita, in a frightened whisper) Please, don't create a scene - for my sake ...

With that Robin led Anita away before she had a chance to explode with indignation and got them in trouble.

Anita : What a jerk!
Robin : Anita, this is India! You'll almost got us in a mess.
Anita : (still upset) I hate this fuckin' place.
Robin : Forget about it. Please! Let's get back to what we were discussing. Last year you went to Banff.
Anita : For your information, I didn't go there to sleep in a bloody tent with Rahul. I went there to hike and see the opera. Camping was a necessity, not the purpose of the trip. If you recall, it was you who refused to come along.
Robin : What do you expect? It was India's Independence day. You may not have any love for your country but I really care about my motherland. I was at Franklin on that day. We raised the national flag. There was a march protesting the sanctions after the nuclear tests. Then we went and saw "Duplicate". All you ever want to do is walk through jungles!
Anita : I think the program of events just described is reason enough for my desire to be far away in a jungle on that occasion. And this obsessive fantasy of yours about my secret relationship with Rahul is getting on my nerves.
Robin : I don't know, I just don't like it, that's all. Well, there is something I have been thinking about lately - it is important.
Anita : About Rahul?
Robin : No, no. The company has offered me a promotion.
Anita : Wow, that's great! What is there to think about?
Robin : If I get the promotion, I'll have to stay in India. Two months back it would have been an easy decision. But after being back here for nearly three months, I think it would be a good idea to settle down here. I'll probably make less money but it will be much nicer. I suddenly realized that I never really liked Canada very much.
Anita : (a whiff of genuine disgust creeping into her voice) You've got to be kidding, you've got to be kidding! You mean to say that you want to *settle down* in this godforsaken place?
Robin : I don't know, I wanted to talk to you before making a decision.
Anita : Let me be very clear. I have been back four days and I am disgusted right down to my guts. There is no way in hell that I am going to be living here for any duration longer than a month. (looks at her watch) Oh shit! I'm already late. I've to go and meet mashima and Palash-mesho.
Robin : This conversation is not over.
Anita : Yes it is. Call me when you have made your descision and try not to be an idiot.

With that she walked away. Robin felt an incredible need to run after her but his feet refused and he couldn't think of something to say. Maybe, considered Robin, he really was an idiot.

Arnab, 1999/09/09, "Love In The Nineties"

A Thirty-something Hostess : Today, in our program "Love In The Nineties with Chandrika Roy", we shall discuss the evolution of the "secret admirer". One would think that this phenomenon has totally disappeared from the scene of romance. Gone are the days when one would wake up and find a letter dropped discreetly through the open window revealing that your closest friend, one you would never suspect of having a romantic disposition, much less keeping it a secret was bubbling with a hidden desire to overwhelm you with kisses and sweet nothings. Gone are the movies where the shy boy next door would return as a succesful businessman and sweep the unsuspecting heroine off her feet. One wonders, where are these people now? Where have they gone? Has romance really become too easy, the risk and thrill and excitement of it become so low that we no longer have any secret admirers at all? Has love merely become a question and an answer? I don't know about you but I would be really very disappointed if I didn't have anyone to admire me in private - viewers excepted, of course - and that there wouldn't be a day when some sweet guy would walk up to me and say, "I've been meaning to tell you this for twenty years now ...". But don't give up yet! We have with us a young man, a remarkably intelligent and accomplished young man I may add, who gives hope for all of us olf fashioned romantics. Ladies and gentlemen, we present Atanu Chatterjee, come in Atanu.

(Atanu walks up to the stage, acknowledges the applause and takes a seat on the sofa, uncomfortably close to Chandrika)

(audience gasps, Chandrika smiles)

(Photograph of Mamoni eating a cake at a birthday party is displayed on the huge monitor. Parts of the audience applaud)

(audience groans)

(Some car and ice-cream commercials)

(audience titters)

(fishes out a much folded printout from his wallet)

Dearest Mamoni,

I don't know how to bring myself to say this even though I have been trying hard for the last five years. Believe me Mamoni when I say that I have never written anything in my life that was so very urgent. Please listen to what I have to say, Mamoni. Please don't laugh, please don't giggle, and for heaven's sake, please don't show it to Mashima.

The truth is, I love you, Mamoni. From the first moment I saw you, you have been in my thoughts every minute of every hour of every day. I don't know how I kept such a strong feeling stored inside me for so long, but I can't do it any more, Mamoni, I really can't do it. The thought of losing you forever, as you get married to someone else, has finally forced me to speak about my feelings to you.

I know that you think that I am not very romantic because I have never been involved with a girl. But the reason for that is you. Yes you Mamoni. No girl I have met could compete with your beauty or spirit. Even the way you walk around is superb. And not only that, I have never met a girl who is as intelligent as you are. When you are around, we can talk for hours about such beautiful things. Everything you have to say is so fresh. You are right, maybe I am not romantic but you are so much like an angel that you make everybody fall in love with you.

If you only knew how many times I have tossed on my bed making plans to get rid of your many boyfriends! Please don't misunderstand me, Mamoni, I can understand why everyone wants you but that doesn't cure my jealousy. You once said "just because my problems are meaningless, don't make them go away". That is exactly my state. I have come very close to becoming mad and even comitting murder. Remember the time you had gone to Diamond Harbour with Neogi? I would have killed that (bleep) if I met him.

I cannot blame anyone but myself for all this. If only I had had the courage to tell you how I felt about you at the right time! All the same, I hope it is not too late. There is nothing I wouldn't do to be close to you. Just give me a chance, Mamoni, and I will prove it to you. Just give me a chance.

Waiting for your reply impatiently,
Atanu

(audience applauds heartily)

(Two soft drinks, one sneakers and one toothpaste commercial shown)

(murmur in the audience)

Som Nath, 1999/09/04, "Yada Yada Yada"

It was a tensed Shome Nath that emerged from the Shree Shree Jagannath Express to grace the seaside town of Puri, the abode of Lord Jagannath and the tourist spot of choice for middle-class pot-bellied bangali. He deftly dodged the three pandas who had encircled him and made his way to the Kamini Hotel.

Puri was not unfamiliar to Nanechoda. He had taken refuge at the place after not-so-successful stint as a data-entry operator. It was here that he had first laid eyes on Bijli. Here he had toiled under the guidance of his mentor, the notorious Potolda, who brought him up from a station-panda to a full-fledged beach-dalal. Relations between the two were strained when Shome Nath had stolen a pot of money and moved to the greener pastures of Sonagachi along with Bijli. But that was ages ago and a mental note was made to patch things up.

Nanechoda started the next day early. He had done his research and decided that the beach at the break of dawn was the ideal time to catch his prey. Like Karna, Vankananda was known to be very generous in the presence of the rising sun, especially during the Rath Jatra when the sea air and the beautiful sight reputedly rinsed all human suspicion out of him.

Shome Nath was not disappointed. Vankananda was standing on a section of the beach directly in front of Sea View Hotel. He was a tall thin man who looked like Amitabh Bachaan in 'Hindustan Ki Kasam' facing the sea with his eyes half closed . He was clad in Garua, A monocole dangled from one of the numerous pockets of his apron. A cascade of white hairs kissed his elbows.

Nanechoda : Excuse me - Are you the great Vankananda?
Vankananda : (with the typical smile which had killed a thousand ladies) Great is He (pointing to the sky) who has created this world (with a curious gesture resembling an Odissi dancer imitating Shree Chaitanya), I am merely His simple servant. You can call me Vankananda if that is what your heart desires or you can call me Old-Man-With-Long-Hair or you can call me Guruji like my sishyas. It is true, I am the one you seek.
Nanechoda : (not having figured out whether he had been rebuked or embraced) Guruji, my name Nanechoda Ramaswamy. I used to be an astrologer in Calcutta. Lately it has occured to me to that I am doing a disservice to He, the great one, by revealing what he has in store for us. (laying himself flat on the sand) O Guruji, I need your advice.
Vankananda : (helping Nanechoda up) I see, I see. It is no doubt a very noble profession. You try to bring order to the lives of men and women who are distraut with chaos. Nanechoda, do you understand Bengali?
Nanechoda : (taken aback) Yes.
Vankananda : Then let me recite a few lines written by Sunil Gangopadhyay

"etogulo shotabdi gorie gelo, manush tobu chhelemanush theke gelo
kichutei boro hote chaye na
ekhono bujhlo na akash shobdotar mane"

"tribhir gunamayair bhavair ebhih sarvam idam jagat
sarvendriya-gunabhasam sarvendriya-vivarjitam"

The sun came up slowly but surely. A couple of Japaneese tourists stood around flying a huge kite and soon Nanechoda found himself entangled in the thread. This created a bit of an uproar with the tourists apologizing profusely and Nanechoda having a hard time disentangling himself. Vankananda seemed unperturbed and stared at the sun with a fixed gaze.

Vankananda : Have you, Nanechoda, heard of the English music group called The Beatles?
Nanechoda : Yes, I think I have heard that name.
Vankananda : I met this fellow called George Harrison from that group a long time back, when I was at Hrishikesh. He wrote a beautiful song for me. It is about the sun, I sing it every morning. (sings)

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Shome Nath was overcome by shock. He could hardly speak. This was indeed big, like, huge and monsterous. He couldn't believe his luck. Shome Nath recovered quickly, as befitted a man who had seen one or two huge things inn his time. He was also a man who didn't let small things slip by while chasing the big one.

Nanachoda : Yes ... Yes. I knew about that. He would often brag about wining and dining with Laloo Prasad. But if you ask me, the really shocking thing is about his daughter. He doesn't even take care of the girl.
Vankananda : (smiling) No, that has changed, dear Nanechoda. I have impressed upon him the requirements of his conscience. He has started to do his duty now. Well, dear Nanechoda, it was very nice talking to you but now I must be on my way. I hope your dilemma is resolved. Come and see me sometime at Ranchi.
Nanechoda : I will.

Shome Nath stood around on the beach with a fat smile on his bearded face. That evening he went into a STD booth and made a call.

Shome Nath: Hello Bhutan?
Bhutan : Yes.
Shome Nath : This is Shome Nath. Mission accomplished.
Bhutan : You found out about Jagdish Rai's criminal connections?
Shome Nath : Well, no. Your source was wrong. Jagdish never did have any criminal connection. But there is something else. You will find this very interesting.
Bhutan : (obviously disappointed) What?
Shome Nath : Jagdish Rai has an illegitimate daughter. Now there is a scandal if there ever was one.
Bhutan : An illegitimate daughter? Who is that?
Shome Nath : I don't know, but it is easy for you to find out. You see he supports the girl financially. Use your contacts. Goodbye for now.

Arnab, 1999/09/13, "News Item #6"

Brutally Beaten Scratch-Man Suspect Vindicated

Calcutta, Spetember 13. - Mr Manash Haldar (42), who had been arrested on August 20 for multiple assaults, was vindicated of any criminal behaviour by the Calcutta Police. Mr Haldar would however remain in custody at the psychiatric ward until furthur arrangements for him can be made.

Making the announcement at Lalbazar today, Deputy Commisioner of Calcutta Police, Kingshuk Ghosh said, "We have conducted an extensive investigation and have been able to determine conclusively that Mr Haldar was not, in any way, connected to the assaults by the so called Scratch-Man." Asked whether last week's resumption of Scratch-Man attacks coerced this announcement, Mr Ghosh said, "We do not punish innocent people. The reason the investigation took this long is because the man could not provide us with his name. Last week's attacks simply confirm what we discovered independently - Mr Haldar is innocent and the real Scratch-Man is still at large." Mr Ghosh went on to announce that a task force was being set up for the purpose of apprehending the Scratch-Man. Responding to recent charges by several human-rights groups Mr Ghosh said, "The accused was not beaten by the Calcutta Police either at Lalbazar or at the psychiatric ward. Mr Haldar already bore the injuries when he was brought over to Lalbazar from Taratolla. We are investigating whether any atrocities were committed while he was held at the Taratolla Police Station. Mr Anirban Mukherjee, OC Taratolla, has already been temporarily suspended."

Mr Haldar, the wrongfully accused man, resides at Lake Gardens and has been an active member of the CPI(M) local committee for the past fourteen years. He reportedly suffered from severe nervous breakdown and had been roaming the streets of Calcutta for two days before being apprehended. Police psychologist Dr Biswapesh Chattopadhyay said, "Mr Haldar is still in a very delicate condition. I am not sure whether the physical injuries triggered the nervous breakdown or otherwise, but it is extremely unlikely that the injuries were sustained on the day of his arrest. Mr Haldar claims that it was someone called Palashbabu who had beaten him up, but we believe that he mentally associates this imaginary character with every threatening situation. We have made arrangements to move him to Mankundu Mental Hospital as soon as he is well enough to travel. It is very likely that he will be able to function normally in around five years."

On a different note, suspended Taratolla OC Anirban Mukherjee lashed out against Lalbazar officers. "The vindication of Haldar is premature and has been prompted by pressure from the press and his party. I was the arresting officer and I know - that fellow is a criminal. Absolving this man of all his doings and accusing the policemen of my thana is an insult to the integrity and commitment of entire Calcutta Police. No one beat him up in our lock-up and the man was delivered in exactly the same state as he was arrested," Mr Mukherjee said.

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