Dr Les Goes Bonkers in Hongkers

Surgery Notes

Sir,

Although living in south east asia severely limits my ability to visit The Bridge, I am able to watch most matches live on the TV. The downside, however, is that you are forced to listen to the same drivel, match after match. I would therefore like to set the record straight.
Myth No 1: "Chelsea are too inconsistent to be considered true championship contenders"

Fact No 1: Chelsea have finished in the top 6 for the last 6 seasons. Inconsistent ? Fuck off !

Fact No 2: We never lose to Spurs. We never win at Anfield and the Scousers never win at the Bridge. We have the best record of any team at Old Trafford. Inconsistent? I think not !

Fact No 3: Look at the FA Cup: we have been in a 4 cup finals and 1 semi final in the last 8 years. Inconsistent ? We were the last team to lift a trophy at Wembley.
Myth No 2: "Chelsea have no English players"

Fact No 1: Nor does anyone else. Can you name 3 English regulars for Arsenal, Spurs, Fulham, Man City, Newcastle, Southampton or Liverpool ? Stephen Carr, perhaps ? Sorry - he's Irish. Simon Davies ? Welsh. Gustavo Poyet ? Judas. Shay Given ? Irish again. See - it's not possible, is it ? Then why do they persist in bleating about Chels ? They can't be racist, can they ?
Myth No 3: "Graham Le Saux is a hothead"

Fact No 1: Le Saux is an educated, articulate, intelligent individual who is a credit to his profession. Who wouldn't want to kick the shit out of Lee Dixon, Danny Mills or Ratboy Fowler? I know I would !
Myth No 4: "Ken Bates is a tyrant"

Fact No 1: Sir Ken is a wizard who would put Barry Otter to shame. He has transformed Chelsea from a 2nd division team with a shit ground and 6,000 fans to a table topping, class outfit with a state of the art stadium and millions of fans around the world. I say fuck you, Mears brothers, and take me Ken, I'm all yours.
Myth No 5: "Claudio cannot speakee English/will be sacked by Christmas"

Fact No 1: Claudio is quietly transforming Chelsea into a powerhouse. We are poised on the brink of total European domination.

Fact No 2: Claudio speaks better English than Priesty (who was born in Newcastle and had an Italian wife)

Fact No 3: Although he is yet to win a trophy the team is in a much stronger position than under any of the previous managers. Vialli is not fit to wipe his arse.

I am done. I sincerely hope that any football commentator reading this will now see the light and start reporting the facts, not the myths.
I will leave you with 10 reasons to be cheerful:

Carlo, the son of the black spider. The world's greatest goalie. Brad Friedel ? Who the fucking hell is he ?

Martin Keown, filthy animal. In trouble again, this time for rough-housing poor Ruud's bumhead hairdo

Jody Morris - a reformed character? Let's hope not. In the words of the famous Sham 69, Jody Morris is innocent

Stylish Fulham ? More like 1st division, goal shy pretenders. Fuck off Fulham. Fuck off Fulham

Sir William of Gallas. Does this man have no limits ?

Malaga beating Leeds and El Tel being confronted by a crack-crazed 12 year old. It's grim up North, Terry

Gianfranco Zola. The best footballer ever to play in England. It has been a pleasure, Gianfranco and a real fucking pleasure. Thank you.

Priesty successfully negotiating the Betty Ford clinic and resurrecting his excuse for a website

Marijuana being down graded to class C. Next thing you know it will be compulsory - fingers crossed

Doing Everton 7-1 on aggregate. Fuck off Rooney, you spotty child. Come back when you're wearing long trousers

You see my point ? Now join me in a rousing chorus of "Fuck 'em all":
Fuck 'em all,
Fuck 'em all,
United, West Ham, Liverpool.
We are the Chelsea and we are the best
We are the Chelsea, so fuck all the rest.
Dr Les.

My solicitors will give you "Betty Ford", fucko. Prepare to lose your shirt.
Priesty.