FEBRUARYS JOKES

Sex Application (2/15/99)
3/6/99)

Text Jokes

ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM (2/15/99)

HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GROWING OLDER

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it's leaning against the wrong wall.
You join a health club and don't go.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
You decide to procrastinate, but then never get around to it.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is 25 years ago today.
You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
You are 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist and 96 around the golf course.
You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a 2nd coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You are startled the first time anybody calls you old timer.
You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
You can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 pm.
Your back goes out more than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little gray-haired lady that you help across the street is your wife.
You get your exercis acting as a pall bearer for your friends who expire.
You've got too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.
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ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So i headed all their warnings
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully
And always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close" she said,
As she got my tit in line.
"And tell my when it hurts" she said.
"Ah yes! There! That's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressed down,
My Boob was in a vice.

My skin was stretched 'N stretched
From way up by my chin.
And my poop tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing
My poop defenseless tit!!!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me
Who does she think she's kidding
My chest is smashed in her machine
I can't breath and woozy I am getting.

"There that was good" I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying
"Now let's get the other one"
Lord, have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down
It squeezed me from both sides
I'll bet she's never had this done
To her tender little hide.

If I had no problem when I cam in
I surely have one now
If there had been a cyst in there
It would have popped - Ker Pow!

This machine was made by man
Of this I have no doubt
I'd like to get his balls in there
For months he'd go "with out".

-Author Unknown
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BREATHALYZER

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"
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Dennis Rodman

Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up.... suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle. "Master, I may grant you one wish," says the genie with a smile. "Hey, Bitch... don't you know who I am...I don't need no woman to give me nuttin!" barks Rodman. The genie pleads..."But Master! I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever." Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all..he says, "OK, ok..I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning. So just do it!" (giving the genie an evil glare). "Now leave me alone!" he screams. So the very annoyed genie says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken and he has no health insurance.
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New Marriage

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and Says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta." Says the mother. "This is a job for Mama.
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A New Fur

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
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Little Johnie at Church

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says "Yes father, it's me." The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?" Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" Tommy replies "No." The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?" Tommy replies "No." The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?" Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat." Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!" "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six good leads."
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Card Shop

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
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Confession

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a power line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest....
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Gentleman

A British gentleman is in a hotel lobby. As he turns towards the front he accidentally bumps into the woman beside him and his elbow nudges her breast. They are both quite startled. The Englishman diplomatically apologises : Madam, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me. She replies : If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436.
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Rednecks

Two rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex." "Okay," agreed one of the rednecks,"I guess 7." "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "2" said the second redneck. "Sorry, it's three. Come back and try again." As they walked out to their car one redneck said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged." "No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
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Premature

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
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Blonde

This blonde was sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So she made up her mind that she would show her husband that blondes really are smart. One day, while he was at work, she purchased a can of paint and decided to repaint the living room. Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelled the distinctive odor of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He observed that she was wearing a ski jacket as well as a fur coat. He went over to her and asked if she was OK. She acknowledged that she was. He then asked what she was doing. She replied that she had set out to prove to him that not all blondes are dumb and, to do so, she had elected to paint the living room. He then asked why she was wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat. Her response was that she had read the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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Lil Johnny

It is near the end of the school year and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break. The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each question I ask may leave early." Little Johnny thinks to himself, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first." The teacher asks, "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Susie said "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave." Johnny was mad that Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'I have a dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Mary said "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave." Johnny was even madder that Mary answered first. The teacher asked "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Nancy said "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave." Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher said "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "Bill Clinton. May I go now?"
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