-Grief-
AUTHOR: dru's bitch
<lovesbitch7@angelmailbox.com>
website: http://www.oocities.org/kyddo1119
DISCLAIMER: All characters are not
mine, they belong to Joss. "I Will Love You" by Fisher.
RATING: PG (for ANGST)
PAIRING: Buffy/Spike (sort of)
SPOILERS: "the Body" &
season 5
SUMMARY: Spike listens to Buffy
breathing.
DEDICATION: To my muse and wanton sex
writing goddess! (Aka my BITCH!) Also to EvilWillow for inspiring my bitch and
for feedback!
FEEDBACK: YES!
====================================================================================
She's gone. How
can that be? Buffy's Mom. One minute she's with us, threatening me to
stay away from her daughter and now she is just gone. So much happened in so little time, Darla coming back and Dru
"resurrecting" her to her stature of bad-ass High Priestess of
Blood. Dru and her insane ramblings
infecting my head. And of course my
never ending love of Buffy. I kept my watch from afar, but I just can't stay
away anymore.
//I'm finding my way back to
sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm gonna do
When I get there...
Take a breath and hold on tight
And spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the
arms of grace//
She's so beautiful, even in her grief. I have sat and watched her hold onto Dawn.
She never knew I was there - she wouldn't want me to be - but I wanted to be
there to protect her. It would be just
like some demon to take advantage of her now; she is so vulnerable. So every night I climb the tree outside her
room and keep my vigil. I watch her get
ready for bed, into those warm bunny pajamas, a present from Mom. I sit and wait and ache to hold her as she
tries to cry herself to sleep and I am there when Dawn crawls in with her a few
minutes later. I listen as the two reminisce
and try to get past the hurt. And when
they have cried 'till their eyes have no more to give … I am there to hear the
sweet breath of slumber escape their lips as their bodies shut down from pure
exhaustion.
//'Cause I'm hanging on every
word you say
And even if you don't wanna
speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside Heaven's
door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be...//
I kept my watch from afar, but I just can't stay away
anymore. All I want to do is be there
for her; those people she calls friends cannot comprehend the feelings she is
going through. None of them have
experienced this kind of loss. I
have. How many have I lost to the
darkness? A common misconception exists
that vampires have no feelings, we do - and we have eternity to feel them. Vampire families are just as close as human
ones, at least in the old days; now it's more like a game, to turn as many of
your friends as you can. But when my
family was together, the Infamous Four: Darla, Angelus, William the Bloody and
Drusilla, we were part of a time when you loved the ones you made. I miss that bond, that closeness…life now is
so solitary… quiet and lonely.
//I'm looking past the shadows
in my mind
Into the truth and I'm
Trying to identify the voices
in my head
God, I wish it were you
Let me feel one more time what
it
Feels like to feel and
And break these calluses off of
me one more time//
They buried her today, and Buffy is sitting on her
windowsill, still in her funeral attire.
She is whispering a prayer to a god I stopped believing in long
ago. Her voice cracks a bit, but she
keeps repeating it, I can just make out the words "Our Father, who art in
heaven…" I watch silently as a
tear falls down her pale cheek, and I cannot take another silent second. "Hallowed
be Thy name…" I say softly, making Buffy almost transparent when the last
drop of color drains from her face."Who's there?" she says in the
smallest voice I have ever heard from her lips.
//'Cause I'm hanging on every
word you say
And even if you don't wanna
speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside your door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be,
yeah-ah...//
"Slay…Buffy, it's me." My unbeating heart is racing a mile a
minute, waiting for her response.
//I don't want a thing from you
I bet you're tired of me
Waiting for the scratch to fall
off
Of your table to the ground...
'Cause I just wanna be here
now...//
"Spike?"
She whispers, breaking the hour-long silence. "What are you doing?"
"Watching you."
"Why?"
"Because you can't watch yourself; someone needs
to protect the slayer and her sister."
"What?"
"Don't worry 'bout me, Slayer. Simply know that nothing'll happen on my
watch. Go and try to rest; you need
it."
"Spike… I… Spike, why?
"You know why; I already told ya. I've been here every night, dusk 'til
dawn."
"But I uninvited you; you couldn't help us."
"Then maybe it's just to make me feel better,
knowing you are safe. I couldn't bear
it if you decided to dance."
//'Cause I'm hanging on every
word you say
And even if you don't wanna
speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside Heaven's
door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah...//
"What? I'm
not gonna dan…. Oh. Why would you even
care? Because you weren't the one to dance with me?"
"Slayer, you aren't listening to a bloody word
I've been saying. I couldn't take it if
you gave up. You need to fight… I need
you to fight."
"Spike you're delusional. You 'need me to fight' like you need another
zap in the head. I'm the thorn in your
side. And what good does it do for me
to fight? I've been fighting for five
years, and what do I get as a reward? My
mom gets taken from me! I couldn't have
Angel. Dawn could be taken from me as easily as she was given. And I don't have
my mom to share life with." With
that she slams her window shut and runs out of her room, flicking the light
switch as she goes.
//'Cause I'm hanging on every
word you say
And even if you don't wanna
speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside Heaven's
door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be...
Where I wanna be...//
Five
minutes later the house is dark. With
vampire sight I can still see her sitting in the chair staring at the last
place her mother sat. I know she thinks
I've gone, that Sorry ol' Spike would just saunter off into the night because she
refused my offer. It will be a long
time before she ever believes how much I love her, but for now I am content... knowing
she is safe and I can hear her breathing.
End