-Stroke
of Three & Four-
AUTHORS : dru & Evil Willow (Go worship the goddess that is EW!)
SERIES: Beauty & the Beast
PAIRINGS : Cordelia/Spike, and
kissage/strokage of Spike/John
RATING : NC17 (highly smutty with plenty of delicious yums!)
WARNING: a little violence,
bloodplay and death- as well mild female/female & spike/female
DISCLAIMER : We do not own these
characters.
NOTE : We're on the plane
heading for Monte Carlo with a quick stop in New York City. There is also some
sexual innuendo and touching between Spike/John along with a bit of kissage/strokage
=====================================================================
THE
CARRIAGE : STROKE OF THREE
Shit!
Why
did he leave? What did I do? And okay, I wasn't able to say anything, but
hasn't he ever been so caught off guard he couldn't say--
Right,
these are things better said out loud.
"Spike,"
I get up and walk over to the bathroom door. It's locked. "Spike, please.
I... You misunderstood. I was just so... shocked, I was speechless. I--. Please
... please let me in, or come out. I need -- Shit, I don't want to say this to
a door. Please."
When the
hell did I become a six year old hiding in the bathroom from Mummy?
Not very
manly- but neither is this damn tear.
Ah yes-
forgot for a second that with the blinding joy of love comes agonizing pain.
And it's
worse because all those other times I cried- over Dru- were *nothing* compared
to how much *this* girl can hurt me. And I let it happen.
"Forget
about it," I say quietly before turning on the shower.
NO!
"SPIKE!" I scream, pounding on the door. Oh god, please don't let me
have fucked this one up too. "Damn it, I love you!" I yell, falling
to my knees and trying to hold back the tears. "I was ready to die earlier
when I thought I wasn't going to see you again. Because you made me love you so
much more than I thought I ever could and I just don't want to live without
you."
Nothing.
Not a word. Not a sound. "Spike, don't shut me out *now*, when I was
trying to figure out how to tell you I want you forever."
Ohgod.
I said it. And I can't take it back.
Even
more shocking though is I don't want to.
What?
I open
the door and just fall onto her. We land on the floor and I'm kissing her
deeply as I enter her gently for a change- slowly.
Oh
god. I wrap my arms around his waist and my legs around his hips, taking him deeper.
He isn't leaving me. I didn't ruin the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm
so relieved. And I think I'm crying because of it.
She can
bloody cry because I know *I* am...
She wants
me- *forever*.
She said
so!
And no
one has ever wanted that before- not truly... but I believe her- I can taste it
on her. I can smell her certainty.
I just
keep kissing her and wrap my arms around her to hold her to me as I move within
her. Ohmygod I love her.
I
moan into his mouth and clutch him tightly as he starts to move. He feels so
good inside me. He knows how to touch me, how to kiss me, how to hold me. He
just *knows*. Why was I hesitating about an eternity of this?
And I
think - no, I *know* what scared me so badly was the nagging voice in the back
of my mind. It kept telling me nobody stays with *me* forever, I always do
something wrong, or there's someone *better* that gets his attention --
I
just assumed that would happen with Spike, too. But now that he told me - and I
believe him - there's nothing left to make me say no to forever. I'm not afraid
anymore. A little nervous, sure, it's a huge decision to make. But I'm sure
that it's the right one. I never want him to leave me, but I also never want to
leave *him.*
I groan
and roll on my side. My hands slide down her body- she's sweating, panting as
I- *make* *love* to her- as if I've never known the meaning of the words.
I can't
get enough of her mouth as I move my hands all over her body, caressing her
skin just for the sake of touching it- because she chose *me* as much as I
chose *her*...
But-
No- I
pull away from her quickly- leaving those lips puffy from over-kissing.
I
open my eyes and look at him. "What is it?" I ask him. Anything he wants
to know, I'll tell him. No more secrets, no more silence, those things only
cause pain.
"I
won't do this," I tell her before sliding away from her completely. I
groan as my cock slips from inside her.
What?
"What... what won't you do?" I ask him, suddenly feeling so cold.
"Look
at us," I say. "I'm not gonna-" this is stupid, but "I'm
not gonna make love to you for the first time on the *floor* between the
bathroom and the bedroom. Not like this."
"Oh
my GOD!" I yell, sitting up. "Do you have any CLUE what a heart
attack you just gave me?" Seriously, I think my heart stopped there for a
second.
"Well,
it's a good thing it didn't, since I can't do CPR," I say before adding,
"Sorry- I tend to be a bit- melodramatic."
Of
course, so does she... again- we're *too* much alike.
I stand
up before picking her up off the floor. "What do you say, Miss Chase,
shall we do it right?" I carry her over and fold the blanket down before
placing her on the bed.
I
hold out my hand to him. "We weren't doing it right all along?" I
grin. "Sure felt pretty damn right to me."
I don't
take her hand- I just walk over to the bag and... ah ha! I *knew* I had candles
in here- although that's not their purpose when mixed with the things in the
bag... but they'll do.
I light
them and place them on a small desk in the room before dimming the lights.
"It
felt *good*, but not right."
Oh.
And here I thought I was the only one who felt that? Because I've felt it with everyone
I've been with. And I just thought it was because there was something wrong
with me.
Maybe
what was wrong wasn't just me. Maybe it's that, no matter who I was with, one
of us was always holding back. The last time I *didn't* do that was with Xander,
and that went so well that I wasn't going to make that mistake again. And Spike
was holding back too and --
I'm
thinking too much.
I
hold out my hand again. "Okay, so let's make it right then."
I smile
and slip in under the covers with her. Suddenly, I feel nervous. We've never
been 'under the covers'. We've fucked like bunnies... but we've never done
this-
I slide
my hand around her abdomen and turn her toward me. I whimper softly as our lips
meet again.
I
part my lips, letting his tongue back inside. And his skin just feels so good
against mine, I press closer to him to get more of that feeling.
I
pull away from the kiss after a moment. "I ... I love you, Spike. And what
you said earlier, about me being the one you loved more than anyone else... It
was... No one has *ever* said that to me. I was speechless out of surprise, not
because I didn't feel the same way.
"And
I also realized that with those words, you had taken away the main reason I was
so afraid of giving you forever. It wasn't just that I thought you'd change
your mind. I thought you'd change your mind and leave me for her ... or someone
else... and I don't have a history of dealing with a broken heart well. I... I
won't bore you with the details, but I just didn't want to have to deal with a
broken heart for*ever*."
I kiss her softly before saying, "I know- I... acted
like a child. I tend to do so often, so I'm told." I kiss my way down her
neck while I run my hand down to her knee and back up to her inner thigh.
"I opened
that bag and… it brought me back to all this old stuff- old feelings, times
with Dru. It just- hit me- it didn't *hurt*." I lave her nipples and trail
my kisses a bit lower. "Do you remember one instant where thinking about
Xander didn't hurt? The one instant where you thought- I'm over him?
"I
just- I realized that. She's over, in the past, and maybe I never really *did*
love her. Maybe I was just in love with the idea of having someone forever… I
don't know. It's silly…"
"It's
not silly," I say, running my hands over his back as he licks and nips at
my stomach.
"And
to answer your question... the first time I said his name since the breakup was
the other night when we were talking. And it didn't upset me to say it, like I
thought it would. That's when I knew."
"Did
you love him?" I ask. I *know* they were hot and heavy. I *do* wonder how
much they did, although now might not be the *best* time to talk about her ex.
But really- to me- it's as good a time as any.
I was
wondering when - or if - he was going to ask about Xander. And considering that
he's told me a lot about Dru, and I've been pretty silent about *my* ex, it
does make sense that he'd wonder. Especially if he knows much about the
breakup.
He
*does* know what I told him, the other night. And since he was the reason they
were in the warehouse, he might know even more. But I don't know. And strangely
enough, I never once thought of blaming Spike for what happened. Xander and
Willow were *going* to confront their feelings for each other, eventually.
Spike just happened to provide them with the situation, but if it hadn't been
him, it would've been something else.
"I
... yeah, I did. I don't know if he knew, we didn't do a lot of talking, unless
it was about which demon we were going out to fight. And I don't even know what
it was about him. I think I liked that he didn't seem to care that I was
Cordelia Chase. I mean... he *cared*, but not in the same sense my previous
boyfriends had. He wasn't using me to get to my money or to be popular. And
that was nice, for a change."
I kiss
her navel a bit more and purr as she rubs my back and I feel her fingers
running through my hair. I always did love to be touched- unfortunately not
many wanted to do it gently. Sure, I'm a demon- but even lions like a little
petting.
"Did
you... have sex with him?"
"Well..."
Okay, stop right there, until you decide on an answer. And I bet most people
don't have as much difficulty with that question. But I'm not one of them. And
that makes *me* even think I'm a slut, but I'm not. I've just always been a
very touchy-feely person. Especially with boyfriends. And of course *they*
never minded.
Xander
really never minded. We were very physical, which anyone who knew us already
knows. But again, I don't know how much Spike saw or was aware of. And I could
make this really easy for both of us by assuming he's asking if we ever had
intercourse with Xander's cock inside me. (I'm NOT a slut.) And to *that*
question I can answer: "No."
Hmm... I run
a finger down her leg and kiss my way back up her body. I trail that finger up
her throat to her mouth and outline her lips...
"Ever
have him between these lips? Down your throat?" My cock throbs against her
thigh as I kiss that beautiful throat again.
Okay,
I didn't answer fast enough about the sex question, so he figured out we did
other things. And for some reason, I don't mind talking to him about this.
Partly because the more I talk about Xander, the more I realize it just doesn't
hurt to do that. Not anymore. And that really is a relief.
With
anyone else, I wouldn't be as willing to go into *details* about my
relationship with Xander. But with Spike... I just feel so safe telling him
things. Anything. Like I know he won't judge me.
I've
never been with *anyone* and not been worried he would judge me for something I
said or did.
"Yeah,"
I say, still rubbing his back. "Xander got a blow-job... or two," or
ten. "He wasn't one for giving oral sex, though. Not many guys are."
"It's
a bloody pity they never got to taste you. Bloody shame that you never got to
experience any pleasure for yourself," I say, slipping the tip of one
finger inside her.
I
continue kissing her, moist, open kisses down her arms to her breasts. I don't
think I've felt this close to someone without being inside them before... it's
really nice.
"So-
I know I wasn't the first to be inside you. And it wasn't Xander... so who was
it, Lia? Who did you let inside you first?"
"I
never said *nobody* performed oral sex on me... but you were the first who ...
*wanted* to." I gasp as he rubs that spot inside me. "First to show
me... that... too." He smiles up at me and presses his finger into the
spot harder, making me moan.
And
okay. The first one I went "all the way" with... "Billy."
"Never
been called *that* before," I smirk.
She
frowns and I add, "I know... but- did you love him? Why him and not
Xander?"
"My
parents liked Billy." And I know, that really doesn't sound like a good
reason. But at the time... "We'd known each other *all* our lives. Our
parents were friends, and we were too. And we started dating my sophomore year
at Sunnydale High. He was starting his freshman year at the college. I had a
crush, maybe I was in love with him. I thought I was. He said he was, too.
"We
got physical, I guess the way all relationships do. I didn't want to have sex
with him, and he didn't seem to mind at first. We did a lot of other things,
but... eventually he wanted more. And he was less and less happy with the other
things. I broke up with him for a while, because I felt like he was pressuring
me."
"*I*
like *pressuring* you," I say as I add a second finger inside and add
pressure to her sweet spot.
She moans
and I smile. "So... you got back together with him eventually?"
I rub
against her a little- I'm getting anxious to be inside her.
"My
parents - my *mom* - wasn't happy when I broke up with him. She didn't care why
I did it, and I wasn't about to tell her, either. They wouldn't have believed
it anyway, Billy was 'such a nice boy'. And don't get me wrong, he *was.* And
maybe, I don't know, I still wonder if I was just being silly to feel nervous
about having sex with him, when we'd done pretty much everything else...
"But
mom wouldn't let it go." *'Make it right, Cordelia. He's a good boy, and
he'd be a good husband. He *will* be, if you don't ruin this.'* "And I did
care about him, so yes, we eventually got back together. And... yeah, so he was
my first."
"Did
he force you to? In the end? Did he hurt you?" I ask, seriously. I pay
attention to people and I've heard this story before. I swear- if he hurt her
in anyway... I'll find him and rip him a new one. I'll devirginized *him*!
"Did
he force me? No," I shake my head. "I wanted it. He didn't hurt me,
that time, or anytime we were ... together, either for the next two months. The
only thing that bothered me was that he never ... I mean, he didn't... I
didn't..." How do I say this? "He wasn't as giving as I would've
liked." That's a little embarrassing to admit. But I also want Spike to
know how much he *doesn't* have to worry how he compares with my ex's.
"As
for why him and not Xander, there wasn't any reason I didn't have sex with
Xander. Maybe if we'd been together longer we would have... I don't know."
"Did
he make you come?" I ask. "Billy- did he *ever* make you come?"
I slip a
third finger inside her and I love feeling her flood me as she contracts around
me.
I
moan and arch up into his fingers. "He... no," I admit, trying not to
think about how pathetic that makes me, that I settled for that for six months.
But my parents were so sure he was the one that I started to believe it too.
"I
don't think he knew... Maybe he did, though. I don't know. I *did* enjoy being
with him, but he never made me come."
"So...
afterward... after he'd spilled inside you and taken his pleasure," I say,
"Did you then slide your fingers inside?" I push mine further inside
her and she groans, pushing down on me. "Did you rock on your fingers to
find release? Or did you spend long nights unsated, pulsing between your
thighs?"
I pull my
fingers out and thrust them back inside her, hard. I make sure to rub my
knuckles against the tight walls of her passage and her sweet spot. I take one
of her breasts into my mouth and suck on the nipple, almost violently.
I
moan and arch up against him. "Shit... " I'm trembling now, getting
closer and closer to the edge. I slide my arms around his waist and dig my
fingernails into his back as he continues to work that spot inside me.
"Ah... god... Spike..." And just when I think I'm about to come, he
slows his movements inside me, bringing me down again. I whimper my protest,
but at least I can breathe now.
And
if he wants me to talk, he'd better let me breathe.
He continues
thrusting his fingers inside me, not as intense as before. And after a few
seconds, I can make my brain work again. "He wasn't my first boyfriend,
just the first I went that far with. I'd been physical with others, and one in
particular liked it when I... touched myself. So I knew how to get myself off,
which ended up being a good thing to know with Billy. "
Oh god...
I pull my fingers from her and she groans loudly. I circle her nipples with my
wet fingers and ask, "Would you show me?"
And
again, that was me walking *right* *into* that one.
The
look on his face though... How could I *possibly* say no? I nod and say,
"When Billy dropped me off at home, after one of our dates, I would go up
to my bedroom. And then..."
I
slide one of my hands down my body to my wet curls. I push two fingers inside
myself, moaning softly. I circle my clit with my thumb, adding a little
pressure occasionally. "God... I would always be so .... close," I
gasp. "It never took long."
I pull the
covers back and she sits herself up a bit on the bed. She moves her fingers
and... fuck... this is probably the most erotic thing I've *ever* seen.
I move to
kneel between her legs and use my slick fingers and precum to slide my hands up
and down my cock, in the same rhythm as those fingers that are disappearing
inside of her. Shit.
"What...
would you do, Goddess? To push yourself... over... shit..." Fuck. I'm
moaning and *so* close... oh god... this is just too much.
God,
this is SO much more intense than when Aaron watched me. Maybe because I never
loved him as much as I do Spike. "I..." I lean back against the
guardrail at the head of the bed, so I can give him a better view of my fingers
thrusting inside me. I spread my legs even further apart, and then push a third
finger inside. I whimper. "God... I'd... close my eyes..." I do that
now and continue, "and imagine it was his fingers, or tongue, inside
me." Shit. "Ohhgod."
With
my eyes still closed, I *am* imagining Spike's head between my legs, using his
tongue to fuck me. And his fingers on my clit, twisting--
"FUCKSPIKE!"
FUCK. The
second she *starts*, I'm between her legs and meet the gushing liquids surging
from her body. I thrust my cock inside her in one swift motion and spill
*myself* inside her, adding to the river that flows down her thighs.
I
moan as I feel him spill his inside me. God... we're just *really* testing out
how far I can be stretched this week, aren't we? Not that I'm complaining, at
*all.* I twist my fingers a little and rub his cock with them.
"Ohgod!" I whimper, another, less mind-numbing orgasm hitting me when
I push his cock right into my sensitive spot.
I
withdraw my fingers, moaning a little, and bring them to my mouth. God, the
taste of us both... it's enough to make me start to get aroused, again. Or
more. Whatever.
He
just stares at me, lust in his eyes. I remove my fingers after a moment and
smile. "So, what else do you want to know about?" I wonder. I really
wouldn't mind telling him anything else he wants to know. I've said things
tonight I have never told *anyone.* And it's nice, to be able to share these
things with someone who won't feel differently about me later because of it.
"Wanna
know who *was* the first to make me come? Or maybe you have more questions
about Xander? I don't mind. It really doesn't hurt me to talk about him,
anymore. Or maybe you want to know who was the first to make me come, *and* you
have more questions about Xander?"
THE
CARRIAGE : STROKE OF FOUR
I just smile
as she rambles and I pull her hips back down the bed a bit. I take one of her
legs and flip it over my own, and then do the same to the other so her legs
hook with mine as I roll my hips toward her.
Then- I
capture her lips in mine softly.
"Enough
talk for now. Gonna make love with you," I whisper and I feel her hips
respond to mine. I can't resist those lips
so I tug on the buttom one with my teeth before sucking on it.
I
whimper and slide my hands up his back to his shoulders, clutching them as he
rolls his hips against mine. God... I pull my lips away and say, "I want
that, Spike. And I also want you to know that ..." I don't know how he's
going to react to this, because I'm sure he can't say this about me, too. And
that's okay, but I just need to tell him ... "I... I've never made love
with anyone, before."
"Me
neither," I whisper before rolling my hips once more into her. God- it's
not hard or fast... but it's just this unbelievable pressure all over my cock.
I love
feeling her hands on me too... feeling her surrounding me... it's the most
incredible thing I've ever felt.
I hope
I'm not crushing her, but I just like to feel her hot skin, gleaming with sweat
now, pressed against me. Her breasts are crushed against me and I can feel
every pant of her breath, every gasp... every time she inhales and exhales... I
feel it under my skin and on my neck, in my mouth as I capture her lips
again... and it's like I'm breathing again.
I slip my
arms under her so I can hold her against me as our hips move, short, gentle
thrusts...
"Ohgod,"
I moan, as he continues to move inside me, just slightly. My head falls forward
onto his shoulder, and I bite gently, not enough to draw blood but enough to
make him groan and thrust up into me again. "Shit, you feel so good inside
me."
I
gasp when he grinds his hips harder against mine, his pubic bone pressing into
my clit. "Spiiiike," I whimper, arching up against him as I start to
tremble.
"Mmm..."
I groan and swallow one of her gasps.
I grind
against her harder and hold her tighter against me. She's shaking like a leaf
in my arms- trembling. And *I'm* the one who can satisfy her. *I'm* the one who
can prolong her sweet agony or give her torturous bliss.
I capture
her lips with my mouth and just- devour her. I start doing to her mouth, what
I'm doing to her beautiful sex. I pretend her mouth is her wet, pulsing sex and
tongue her, making sure to lave where her sweet spot would be.
I moan
as I come and clutch his shoulders so tightly I feel his blood well up under my
fingernails. It's a good thing he likes that, because I just can't help myself.
I need to hold onto something as I shake and buck uncontrollably, my orgasm
surging through my body.
HOLY
SHIT! I can *taste* her orgasm in her mouth as well- on the tip of her
tongue...
I can't
help it when I smell the blood- feel her fingernails embedded in my
shoulders... my orgasm is slow and gentle as I bathe her insides... oh-god- I
just... I've never felt anything like it- so strong as I surge inside her.
God- I
relax entirely on top of her and feel myself *finally* sated- after what, three
days? I *finally* feel like I've quenched whatever thirst I had. My cock
*finally* goes limp and I can finally rest without this overwhelming desire to
fuck the hell out of something- I finally found release.
My orgasm
is still surging through me and I can help but groan against her skin as it
wells within me, still causing some of my muscles to convulse and I can't stop
it... I just relax and hope she's feeling something even *remotely* similar to
this much pure contentment.
I
sigh contentedly and tighten my arms around him. "I love you." It's
the first thing that comes to my mind, but I think it's appropriate.
I think
if I stay here I'm going to suffocate her... so I use what remaining strength I
have to flip us over. Her legs are entwined in mine and I pull the covers over
us. I swear- it's probably just like the bloody movies... She's wrapped around
me and I'm running a finger up and down her arm while she sighs contentedly.
"I
love you too, *so* much- I just... don't have any words..."
I
smile. "That's okay, as long as you keep showing me." I run a hand
through his hair as I rest my head on his chest.
"Devon
never made me come as hard as you do." Oh, wait. Come to think of it, I
hadn't mentioned Devon yet. Well, I guess I have now.
"Just
how many guys *did* you get physical with, Luv? In any sense of the word."
No- I'm not
jealous. I'll just have John track them all down and rip their dicks off piece
by piece.
Nope. Not
jealous at all.
"In
*any* sense of the word?" I ask. I'm hoping he'll revise that question.
Because as it stands, the answer would *really* make me sound like a slut.
"Yeah,"
I say and kiss her forehead. "How many guys have you been sexually
physical with- whether it be groping, heavy petting, oral or actual
penetration."
I cover
her hand that's resting on my chest with my own hand. I like this- just laying
here talking. It's really nice. I'm not sure as if I'll even *move* again.
That
wasn't the kind of revising I was hoping for.
But I
might as well just tell him. Not like he couldn't find out if he did a little
bit of research on my life, asked around... Okay. "Well... I started
dating when I was fourteen." I don't know how that's supposed to make it
less wrong, but it *might*.
"And...
keep in mind, I was in the popular crowd. Parties got interesting, as we got
older. So, sometimes we'd play make-out games... and ... " He starts
rubbing my back, which calms me a little. I know, I'm being silly. I've just
never been asked *this* before. And it's not necessarily something I'm proud
of. "Boyfriends that I've gotten physical with: Michael, Aaron, Billy,
Devon, Jason, Xander, and Daniel. And then, like I said, the guys I ... fooled
around with, at parties or whatever, and there were... " I do a quick
count in my head. Yeah, I remember every one of them. "...fifteen."
Okay,
I take it back. I *am* a slut.
"So
define 'physical'," I say as I play with the ring on her finger. "I
know about Billy and Xander, but how far did it get with the others?"
I don't
know why I'm really curious- I just... I'm sure she read a lot about *my* past
but all I know of her is what's she told me and what I *saw*- which does not
include most of what we've talked about tonight.
"Well,
I didn't mention the guys I dated my freshman year, because those were pretty
tame relationships," I tell him. "All two of them," I add, just
in case he's curious.
"But
my sophomore year, I started dating Michael. He was a junior, so he was a
little more... experienced than me, to say the least. He was the first guy to dare
to try to slip his hand under my shirt or skirt. And at first, I was very much
against that, in fact I slapped him in the face that first time." I smile
at the memory. "It didn't faze him, though. He was... persistent. And
after a few ... weeks... I gave in and ended up not regretting it. We never
went past the touching, though. He wanted to, but I wasn't ready. And he...
found someone eventually who was.
"Then
Aaron. I mentioned him, but maybe not by name. We were together for six months,
and we got pretty physical. And eventually....well, he's the one who liked to
watch me touch myself. We did a lot of pretty heavy making out, too. He... he
cheated on me with my best friend and that ended *that* relationship...
"Both
of them, actually."
"With
your *best* *friend*?" I ask incredulously. This poor girl! No one she's
so afraid of bein' used as someone's whore. She's been torn up and thrown away
too many times. Yet another thing we have in common.
"Want
me to slash her throat?" I ask. "Or... we could sew her cunt shut so
she can't steal another girl's man."
And yes,
Cordelia, you're with a demon.
I
look up at him and I *can* understand that he's being sweet. I'm flattered,
too. "I don't have the slightest idea where she is anymore. I had a talk
with my father, and he gave her father... well, a promotion, but they had to
move to Miami if he took it. Daddy always took care of me. So ... she left and
I was happy about that. That left Aaron available again, too, but we didn't get
back together, even though... I..." I would have, in a heart beat. But he
didn't love me anymore, he said.
I pull
her chin up so I can kiss her. I know how she feels.
"So...
what about the other three? Are they good to being killed?" I ask with a
little lift of the eyebrow. Although, "I would kill anyone for you,
Luv." Oops- I hadn't actually meant that to come out loud like that...
even though it's true...
"So...
what about Devon?"
I
think I'm getting used to him, because his offer of killing someone seems very
sweet. That's scary. "Devon, well, my parents hated him." I smile at
the memory of *how* they hated him. "He was in this band with Oz, the
werewolf guy, I don't know if you know who he is... but anyway. With Devon, it
got *very* intense, very fast. But he treated me good when we were together. We
were *very* physical; you name it, we did it. He was the first guy to perform
oral sex on me and the first one to give me an orgasm.
"But
he was also a huge flirt and I couldn't handle seeing him flirting with other
girls. We started to fight about that all the time. And eventually... he said
he couldn't handle my jealousy and he ended the relationship.
"Xander...
the only thing I didn't mention about him is that my parents had to send me to
a shrink after that breakup."
"A
shrink? Why?" She seems perfectly non-Dru-like to me and the more time I
spend with her, the more I realize I like my woman more reality-based by the
minute.
"With
every guy before Xander, I saw the breakup coming," I reply. "And I
*should* have seen the way he and Willow were... but I was blind to it. They
were best friends! I wasn't even slightly concerned... so it hit me hard when
it happened. And of course the metal pipe through the stomach didn't
help..."
Through
the stomach? *Through*? My hand moves over her back but I don't *feel* any
scar.
"Didn't
see a scar. How'd it happen? A demon run you through?"
He
doesn't know? I just always assumed... I fold my arms over his chest and rest
my chin on my hands. "When you kidnapped Xander and Willow, so she would
do the spell to get Dru back for you, Oz and I tracked them down. We got to the
warehouse and I saw them kissing, and then the stairs... I think one of them
was rotted through or something. I fell. Right on a ... piece of metal."
"You
don't see a scar because Willow felt so bad about what she and Xander had done.
She asked me if I wanted her to do a spell that would make the scar disappear.
I let her. I think *she* thought I could let it go easier without the visible
reminder. She was wrong, though. That took... over a year."
Ohmygod.
I sit up
quickly and look at her.
I can't-
I mean... there's this part of me that's saying 'yeah, me'! I'm a demon and I
should be happy that someone was miserable from something *I* caused...
although I never intended on hurting anyone else besides the whelp and the
witch... and the slayer if I could manage.
But- now
there's this bigger part of me that wants to kick my own ass for causing her
that much pain..
And a
piece of metal *through* the stomach?
*Through*?
I can
almost tell what he's thinking. Why am I with him, after what he did to me?
"You didn't do it," I tell him, looking him straight in the eyes.
"I *never* *once* thought of blaming you. I was bound to get injured, living
in Sunnydale. If you hadn't been the one with the rickety warehouse, it
would've been another demon with a nasty set of claws - or teeth - or...
"But
it doesn't mean that *you* did it. You didn't push me off the stairs. You
certainly didn't put a love spell on Xander and Willow. And *he* hurt me so
badly that I barely even noticed the physical pain. Because I hadn't ever loved
anyone like I loved him. And all I could think was that I had done something,
or *not* done something, to make him turn to Willow. And I spent days, no,
*months*, doing nothing but think about what I could have done, or could have
done differently...
"And
I stopped sleeping. That's why my parents sent me to a shrink, who solved all
my problems in an hour by handing me a prescription."
I stand
up with a nod. "I'm hungry- want anything?"
She
impaled herself on a metal pole and blamed *herself* for not keep the whelp
interested? Has she *looked* in the mirror? Anyone who wouldn't be interested
in her clearly isn't in their right mind.
I quickly
walk into the living room to grab some stuff from the small fridge.
Alright-
she doesn't blame me; she blames herself. But that's not right either.
I walk
back in and she's sitting there on the bed just looking at me. "I swear
I'll make it right," I tell her. "I'll take the entire clan back and
I'll kill that effin' blonde *bitch* and we'll rip 'em both to shreds."
Ohgod-
ripping the slayer apart... what a dream!
Very nice
dream indeed.
"Spike,
you made it right already," I say with a smile. "By making me feel
special again, taking care of me, protecting me.... loving me."
"Oh-
so I *can't* kill the slayer?" I say as I sit down Indian-style on the bed
and she sits up, facing me before grabbing a sandwich from me.
"I
... didn't say that," I shrug. "I promised you I wouldn't try to make
you stop doing wh-" If I can't say it, he won't ever believe I'm okay with
it. "killing. And I won't. I wouldn't want to, anyway, because that - the
killing - is a part of who you are. And I love you, so I accept whatever makes
you *you.*
"Besides,"
I add, "it would be strange of me to try to make you stop being a vampire
after I just agreed to let you make *me* a vampire." And I think that's
the first time I've been so... un-vague about what I meant by forever.
What? No-
I'll ignore that for now since I still don't know what I'm gonna do about
*that*.
"Even
though you know her? If I were to go back to Sunnydale and hunt her and her
friends- you wouldn't *once* try and stop me? Ask me not to kill your friends?
The watcher? Xander, even? Not once?"
Why
does he have to be difficult about this?
Oh, I
almost forgot, this *is* Spike.
Not
that I don't love him, but he can be... persistent. But I don't really want to
talk about this. Why can't he just accept what I said and leave it at that?
What does he want me to say? 'Sure, Spike, kill them, kill Xander. It won't
bother me at all.' Well, *that's* not going to happen. I may not be in love
with Xander anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't still care about him - them.
They were my friends.
"I
didn't get around to telling you about Daniel; don't you want to know?" I
say. "He was *after* Xander..." Lame, lame, *lame* attempt at
changing the subject, I know. But it's all I could come up with on short
notice.
"Answer
the question," I insist. "Because if you- if I make you a vampire-
it's quite possible you'll wanna go and rip him apart. You'll be a killer- like
me."
"Yeah,
well, then I'll be a demon; I won't *care* about them anymore. But that doesn't
have anything to do with the question, a question I already answered. You
*know* how I feel about you being a killer, but I'm not going to try to change
what you are... We've been through this before." I sigh and get up, but
then I don't know where I think I'm going, so I sit back down again.
"So
I'll go tell the pilot to turn around and we'll go now."
I know
she doesn't wanna deal with this- but it's important.
"Go..."
Oh. And he looks serious. Shit. "I can't *stop* you from killing anyone
you want to, including Xander, or Giles, or Buffy, or hell, my parents for that
matter... but I will not play some sick game in which I watch you kill them to
prove to you how I feel about you. I think I've proven how much I love you
about a thousand times the past three days. And if you don't see it yet you're
as bad as Billy, who would only get back together with me *after* I'd had
sex..."
SHIT.
I swear he does it on purpose. He makes me mad or flustered, just to see what
he can get me to say. I get to my feet and walk out into the living area. I
grab a beer and sit down, looking out one of the windows. Yeah, I didn't
exactly tell the *real* story of Billy, but it was close enough and I just
wanted not to seem as pathetic as I *was.* That worked well.
I follow
her and she's sitting with a beer. The thought passes through my head that
she's not even old enough to drink beer legally.
And she's
drinking my blood? There's something seriously wrong with that.
I grab a
beer as well and sit down next to her. She doesn't look at me.
"Do
you *want* me to hurt them?" I ask.
"Hurt
who?"
"Your
friends, your family... ex-boyfriends... Xander... do you *want* me to kill
them?"
"Why
does it matter?" I wonder, still staring out the window. I can see the
lights of New York City in the distance, I bet we're going to land soon.
"If you make me a vampire, my answer to that question will probably be
different, so why are we talking about it now, anyway?" I say it because
I've noticed he's been avoiding *that* issue.
"God
damn it, Cordelia," I grumble and stand up angrily. WOMEN!
And Dru
said *I* was the problem!
I throw
the beer bottle across the room and it shatters and covers the wall in beer.
"What?!"
I yell, turning to look at him. "What the fuck did *I* do? You're the one
pushing this, when my answer is only going to make you mad. So I was trying to
give you a hint, but if you won't take it, then fine. I'll give you your stupid
answer.
"Every
single one of them fucked up, and hurt me, and I've thought of hundreds of ways
to get revenge. But I got over that eventually and no. I don't want you, or
anyone else for that matter, to kill them." Maybe hurt them, that wouldn't
be so ba-- NO. That *would* be bad. "But I can't *stop* you, and I won't
*try* to stop you, so why are we HAVING THIS FUCKING CONVERSATION?!"
Fuck-
she's *so* hot when she's pissed.
Her pulse
speeds up and she's panting as she stands there- her entire body shaking with
anger... and nervousness...
I'm
equally keyed up. I walk over to her and pull her against me before kissing her
possessively.
Her body
responds to me- of course it does... it always will. And when I pull away, her
lips are puffy and wet and wanting...
"I'm
not playin' mind games with you. If you don't want me to kill them, I won't
kill them. I don't even really *want* to- but I had to know... if I did- what
would happen." And now I know. It might split us up because she does still
care for them.
I kiss
her again. "Earlier- at the club, I laid my life on the line to protect
Emily. She's family and I'll do whatever it takes to ensure my family's safety
and I know she'd do the same for me. Hell- she *has*. And *you're* family too
now, Cordelia. The people you love- no matter who they are and for whatever
reason- won't see any pain from me unless they're trying to hurt you.
"You
have my *word* on that," I add before kissing her again.
Oh.
I...
I
thought... He wasn't...? He ... Oh.
He
pulls away from the kiss and I look in his eyes. "I assumed... I'm sorry.
I believe you. And... thank you."
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