April2001

..........After treatment I had made a list of things I was wanting to do and change. I was anxious to be able to start checking items off the list. First on the list was getting a job and paying back my parents. Catching up on other bills ......the list went on.. I had been having car troubles...again... and I drove it until it would no longer start. That was the last week in January. The weeks that followed I struggled with anxiety, fear, and panic from day to day. I could see no way I would be able to rebuild the engine, which is what I thought my car was needing.

As nights passed, I laid in bed tossing and turning ......talking to God... saying things like.., "God I don't see you"..."I don't understand why this is happening"....... "I am trying"........."I really need to hear from you God"........

Days passed, and there was a knock at my door. It was a friend of my sons. I stood there and debated about answering the door...I was mentally tired and didn't feel I would be very good company. Then I opened the door, we visited for a while and just before he left, he asked me, " what was wrong with your car?" He suggessted, "I try changing the spark plugs." After he left, I sat there thinking, "what if that is all that is wrong with the car and I hadn't opened the door". "How long would it have been before I would have tried that?" I was thrilled with the thought...and started to think about how God uses people and situations in ways I may not even be aware of . How many times have I missed seeing that my prayers are answered, because they were not answered the way I thought they should have been, or in my timing.

My son came out and changed the spark plugs and the car started right up.
The following Sunday I went to a church service. The church I decided to attend was having a special service, with a special speaker from out of state. I didn't know this at the time..I just knew I needed to be in church that day. I felt the preacher knew about my struggles as he preached, so much of what he said I could relate to. He even told a story about the time he was young, and just starting out, and the family car died...and how God had provided for his young family to be able to get another car.... At the end of the service he asked all those who needed prayer to come forward. At that point there was a highted brightness that filled the room. (that is the only way I can explain it) I stood up and went forward...soon all of us were standing up front, lines of us...standing there.. The preacher stepped forward and said, "I usually start at the end of the line, but tonight God is telling me to start with this lady right here".. and he came up to me, and laid his hand on my head...and asked, who knows this lady?.........no one did..this was my first service ...It was a very spritual time for me.

The week that followed I went all over dropping my resumes around town. I was refreshed, hopeful, thinking things are finally going to start working out. But, then as quickly as my car started, it stopped for good. It is needing a new engine.....something to do with the pistons.....I am told.........I couldn't believe it.....I came into the house, and for the first time in my life I told God how angry I was at him........I remember saying," I am trying God and it is not working." " What do you expect from me?!" On and on...... For me this was a major event because I never had talked to God about my anger towards him, for allowing things to happen in my life as they did. I use to think to be angry towards God , was to commit a unforgiveable sin.

Days passed and I realized God had heard and answered my prayer of weeks ago... I needed to see him at work in my life.... he answered.... he showed me during that church service. He had showed me himself at work in my life.... the spark plugs did play a part in that. They allowed my car to run long enough so I could attend the service......where I had gained the renewed strength that I was needing to carry me through these days.....One Day at a Time...... As I struggle with the thoughts that come with the fear, panic and anxiety, I can convience myself that I have no choice, but to drink. That drinking will some how make my problems better or will allow me to escape them for a little while. Drinking would calm me......BUT THAT IS JUST WHAT THIS ADDICTIVE DISEASE of ALCOHOLISM... Tells me...... THE TRUTH IS: If your wanting a drink to make it better........ DRINKING NEVER... NEVER....makes it better...... and it only increases anxiety, fear, panic, and depression.

I can't control all that happens in my life.......But, I can gain a renewed strenght through it all and gain control of my drinking ....as I chose to continue on My Road To Recovery ...One Day At ATime.......Using the tools I have gained, being honest, accepting, and forgiving..... turning my life over and over again to God. And as I do He continues to shroud me with a peace and calmness among the many storms of life..

I am so thankful I can say.......I have not desired to have a drink today! I still have my list and am working towards the day I can start checking things off.