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| ~ Grandmother's |
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| My work shift requires that I live-in with a 22 year old young lady with severe disabilities. She has the most beautiful big brown eyes I have ever seen...(aside from my own childrens and grandchildren....of course, :) She's an amazing young lady. Her abilities to communicate her needs and desires are very limited. She does this by speaking a few words, eye pointing and taking me by the arm to show me. She has a tremendous inner strength that shines brightly through the daily struggles she incounters with the simplest tasks. .(Getting her body to listen to what her brain is telling it to say or do) She tires easily and can only walk up to 20 minutes at a time (that is on a good day). She also has seizures. She is the youngest daughter in her family....(out of the three children her parents had.) Her older brother passed a few years ago. He was about 24 at the time....He died due to a seizure during his sleep. My family has grown, as I work and spend time with this family. This young lady spends alot of her time sitting or stretched out on her couch, taking in her world and the people around her. The face's and voice's of her family and friends brings a smile that lights up her face. You can see the Love she has been given durning her life. One of her most favorite things to do is go for drives . Night time is the best, once all the lights have turned on. Once a month we usually drive out to my Grandmothers home. We drive by slowly as I tell her about the times that I remember coming out there, mosty the many Thanksgiving's and Christmas' that were shared in that old house. The Thanksgiving dinners continued right up until my grandfather had passed...Into their late 80's...a turkey was cooking in their oven for their annual dinner. Many of the family members would gather for this meal, usually bringing a speical dish of some kind. With 6 children of their own ...and their children's and their children's children, there was quite a group at times. I hadn't seen my Grandmother in several years...she passed this Jan. at 93.... I will always remember her, and the few afternoon tea's we did have over the years.. I loved to listen to her tell about her life back in the olden days..... (You know, that period when everyone walked 20 miles to school in the snow ...bear footed. :) I love family History. A few of our conversations have stuck out in my memory. One when she told me how she warmed her childrens beds by pressing them with a iron before they got in them for the night. Only a wood stove for heat in the home at that time. They lived in Minnesota ...winters get cold there too. Another time when baked potatoes were put into the shoes/skates to keep their feet warm. .....The Olden days..."93 years ago"..................so much has changed....from one generation to the next....I wonder whats ahead for my grandchildren....... I did not see my Grandmother again before she would pass. I use pass beacause I believe my grandmother is not dead. I believe her spirit is alive in Heaven and I will see again someday.. I had began to feel a overwhelming guilt and shame,.mixed with anexity...over the years I had lost in my life when I was so sick and succeeding at destroying myself . I was ashamed.My thinking was not right. I thought about the times I had tried to end my life, and when I would see my Grandmother I would struggle with guilt and shame..as I thought how much Grandmother would of loved for Grandfather to live just one more day.. How could I have tried so many times to end this life I have. My sight was clouded with by clinical depression. As I look back I can still see so clearly how I was still struggling within my own mind so much of the time. When I had went to my Grandfather's funeral several years back, one of my realitives came up to me and asked."Why did you do that to us".? I did not know how to explain...I remember thinking though, It wasn't about any of you. It was about me. I was sick and I was in a battle for my sainty and my life....I had lost...I was in a coma for 9 days and had temps. of 106. I was not expected to live, life support was going to be taken away....All those years prior, living had been the hard part...dying ....would be a release from my mind I didn't feel I belonged on this earth. No matter how hard I trieded...or how successfully I wore my mask. I always felt I was just barely hanging on. I didn't know how to explain to thoses closest to me what I was going through within. God has clearly shown me many times sence those years that he is not done using me on this earth....he gave me many second chances throughout those years. The depression has gone, I am stronger then I have ever been today, as I write this. And I am so thankful for the life I live today. After I came back from Recovery the last time... Going on Three years now... :)..... My life has become very busy with my work and children and grandchildren ...they are who I look forward to and fill most of my free time with. The other free time is spent on feeding and nurturing my spirt, soul and body.....Thats hard for me to keep up with weekly and when I don't take care of myself..my body begins to scream out in several ways.......anxitey....panic..and cravings. . It is something I have to face everyday, one day at a time....the days just continue to get some much sweeter though.... Back to GRANDMOTHERS....... Continued... |
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