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| It has taken me sometime before I could justify writing this entry...... considering what has taken place in our country and the situation now as it is. The lives that have been lost. The lives that are now being changed for ever. The sorrow, pain and heartache is beyond what I can only imagine it to be for those touched directly. I feel my troubles pale in comparison to what has been happening, but I also have a deep conviction to continue on my Road of Recovery. To do the right things in my life..... to be honest and maybe as I do, I will help someone along the way who is dealing with some of the same life issues. A very sad and stressful situation surfaced again this weekend in my personal life involving my extended family and during this time "I chose to drink". I could have allowed this situation to interfear with every good thing that I have gained so far. I could of listened to the confusion and depression and ended up back in the hospital. I could of countinued to drink but, "I also chose to stop." For some reason I was given the clarity to see exactly why I was so devastated by the events and that I no longer had to allow these types of family situations to continue in my life or let them effect me the way I usually do. I was able to stop and in a since turn back from the wrong - one way- road .......I had found myself on ... back onto.. My Road of Recovery. The road that has and will keep me healthy, sane, happy and filled with a inner peace and understanding that returns no matter the circumstances appear to be around me, as long as I keep moving forward. It's the wrong truns I take at times that cause the greatest growth, I am learning. Life without growth is not Life. I've realized after trying to talk with family members this past weekend about a situation that they brought up that "I have to Let Go" . I was told, " I will not talk to you until you grow up". Those were the exact words I needed to hear....... though ... I did not realize it at the time. Into that following evening my thinking became so clear. That is and has been a big part of my problem.".I have grown up!" With this realization, I again was filled with a inner peace and comfort that again has carried me through. I love this family dearly. I have lived my life trying to make up for all the trouble and pain I have felt I caused them . I kept silent for most of my life through the years . I stacked pain upon pain within. I blamed mysef, I felt so guilty, so disloyal, so frightend. I kept it all hid behind the mask I wore for as long as I could, and as long as I did I was loved and accepted. Now and since my first suicide attempt, (almost four years ago), I have been learning more and about myself .and as I continue on my Road of Recovery, over this past year especially, I have removed the mask more and more. I now know it is okay for me to have an opinion . That I am a person with feelings and needs too. That I should be able to express my own needs and desires and feelings. I do not have to live in denial, slience or feel guilty any more. I will not surive if I do. I will no longer wear the mask. I guess it took what happend this past weekend to make me realize how destructive it would be for me to continue to do so. I must let go and take care of myself. I must treat myself the way I would want others to treat me. Love your neighbor as yourself. If we don't love ourselves we can not truley love othes. I grew up affected by prescription medication addiction and depression.. I am the oldest daughter of five children. I have one older brother. My memories of my growing up years are different then that of all of my siblings but this disease of addiction and depression has touched us all. My truth has not been known for so long or accepted within this family because there is such a degree of denial that holds it together. Recovery tears apart the denial and I realize that now. We are all on different roads and I can no longer try to keep up with them on theirs while staying on mine at the same time. It is not pssible. When and If they want to meet me on mine I will be there for them, but until then I can not. It causes to much pain and misunderstanding all around. They are where they want and need to be. Where they have to be for them. They have their "Own truths". After Reading the pages called "My Truth," from a wonderful book, I have been able to understand how there can be so much misunderstanding and difference within one family. You can find it on my site here.titled "My Truth." I cannot try to make any of them understand about "My Truth". It has taken me along time to get to my own understanding of self. We all l have our own growing and changing to do..... in our own timing and with our own self understanding. My understanding may never match theirs, I accept that completely. I have grown children and granddchildern that have their own "Truths," as they have lived their lives.. I accept their truths. They may be different from mine and from each others but they are theirs and by accepting and respecting them for who they are and not living in denial I am can honesty say,.I do have a very close and understanding family in them. We talk to each other and We listen. If I lived in denial we would not have the type of relationships we do with each other.. This week I have choosen to contiune on my Road of Recovery, to accept the things I can not change, to change those things that I can... .and to be given the wisdom to know the difference. Again this week I am filled with such a serenity .and thankfulness as God continues to walk with me.......and he reminds me,."I am not alone".as I travel this road. Two quotes that have helped me through out my days are, "I can start this day over at any time,". I have a choice ...One Day At A Time............ and "IT is better to Understand than to be understood." |
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