Saddness because even though it was a very disfunctional marriage at times, there were times of happiness and I did Love this man. I had spent twenty years trying to be the wife and mother I thought I was expected to be, and yet I felt I had failed terribly. The fear was there often, as I realized I was alone after being married all of my adult life. I had been a wife and a mother for twenty years. The only thing I knew how to do was take care of other people. I felt my life was over......my children were grown and my husband was gone......and I belived I had failed in every area of my life.
Those years after my divorce were difficult and I became more and more depressed and self-distructive. On November 2, 2000, I arrived at a dual diagnosis treatment center, where I would spend 28 days....A place where I would finally start to see.......I needed to take care of myself for a change...... and, that it was okay to do so.......that I would not live much longer if I didn't. It took me 40 years to get to that place......but, I had finally gotten there. Those years prior, I had been in and out of the hospital many, many times. The fact that I lived through those years....leaves me awe struck when I think about them. And I am reminded of them often as I see the scars they left on me. I know now that my life truely is in Gods hands. He has plans for me far beyond anything I can imagine. He gave me life when I had no life left...he carried me when I could not walk anymore.
When I arrived at the treatment center on November 2, I again was amazed by the love he has for me and when I left, I was no longer saddened by the Date.......November 2 had become my Recovery date. I have not been back to the hospital or seen a mental health doctor sence ........ November 2, 2000...I am not controlled by the darkness of depression, saddness or fear any longer. I continue to have hope and am filled with gratitude for the life I live today.
Today, I live life on lifes terms...One Day At A Time....and thank my God daily ...I am alive today to do so...
My payer is as you read this, if your are struggling in any way, you too will be lifted up where you belong also..That you realize you are not alone......and to remind you that there always comes a rainbow after the storm...So if your going through difficult times...hold on....with Gods help you will make it through.
P.S.
Please do not think I am saying there is something wrong with having to go to the hospital or see a mental health doctor.....I am not....there was a time in my life I greatly needed their help......and only by the grace of God go I.
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