Time3

                          ......Life had become very stressful by the first week into August. I was not taking care of myself. And running on empty. One evening I had a drink and then another. The house was alive with family and freinds. A wedding was going to take place in a day. This wedding would bring all my family members together for the first time in years. I had planned to go, but I also had alot of mixed feelings about it. I did not feel I was ready to, mentally. That evening I thought I needed some time alone for awhile. Time to just sit and be surrounded by the quiteness. I told everyone I was going for a drive. I drove for several miles when I decided to turn around and head back home. Realizing I had made a bad choice to drink that evening..   On my way back, I was speeding. I do allot of driving and I do allot of speeding. ( I'm working on that though.) When I looked in the rear view mirror I seen the red lights flashing. The Officer stopped me for speeding. And when asked If I had anything to drink, I answered him truthfuly, "yes," but I am not intoxicated. I was taken to the police station for refusing to take their field test's. I had also been taking some anti- anxiety medication sence my car had been stolen. I knew that the mixture might cause me to fail the test's. I was charged with DUI. I spent the night in jail. In a cell , with concret surrounding me in every direction. There was a cot tucked against the only wall with a window . It was about a foot from the ceiling, measuring about " 8 x "8. A stainless steal sink rested above a stainless steal toliet. The door that was securely locked and stayed closed at all times, unless you were let out for some reason. There was a small window in it that was opened to pass your meals through A camera gave the officers a clear veiw of my every move. I was there for 24 hours. I missed the wedding. I had allot of thinking time. The air was filled with the sound of slamming doors and keys being shuffled as the cells began fill around me. I found the quiet place within myself that I was looking for that night, in spite of the outward situation. I made it through the stay, by God's grace. I had alot of time to think. I pleaded innocent. I go to court on the 26th of September. I will probably change my plea, and face the consequences. I do not have the time , energy or money to go through a trial right now. I still have a licences though and I have been working steady sence that night. I had been drinking and denial would have just made everything so much worse. I had taken having a drivers licences for granted.
    The depression has not returned in over 3 year's now. There is increased anxiety and panic at times. But, that is to be expected when major stressful life situations abound continually and I am not taking care of myself.    I must continue to eat healthy, I must get the sleep my body requires. I must spend time just relaxing... I must feed my soul....if I am going to be able to continue down thisRroad of Recovery..
       A doctor sat with me before I was leaving for the Recovery center 3 1/2 years ago.. With a note book in hand he drew a diagram of how continual stressful events in a person's life can cause a person to have the level of depression, anxiety and panic I was experiencing and adding to that, not eating or sleeping right.... he told me, I was a survivor, he gave me a hope I had lost. He also gave me the tools I need to live this life, One Day at a Time. The stay at the Recovery center reinforced that. I just have to remember to use them. Over the past few months I have been reminded again I must take care of myself. As I said, the depression has not returned. The levels of anexity and panic come and go. That's to be expected though. I never know what the next phone call will bring. Is it my son... Is he okay...........
     How am I doing on my Road of Rrecovery, better than ever. In spite of those times I've found myself sitting down along the way. I no longer give up hope, and I don't stay down for long. There always comes a renewed strenght that helps me to continue on.. This is My Llife, The Only One I will get on this earth and It is truely a wonderful life, wouldn't want to miss a second of it. There are many who livee under great stress. I know that I am not alone.   One day at a time I am making it. Each day is a new day, to start from where I'm at.The past is gone the future may not come. Today is here right now. Living in the day ...This I can do one day at a time. By the Grace of God.