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| The following story is true. The names have not been changed to protect anyone. The Lovely Lois is the mother of Pubmaster Whitey. There is a good chance that she will be the topic of many storys to come. Her debut story will look at how, in one night, she outscored the St. Louis Rams. I was just a kid, maybe eight years old. It was a Sunday night and I was sick. The Lovely Lois knew that a clear liquid would have soothed my upset stomach. She knew two other things as well. One- we didn't have any clear liquids in the house, and two- she didn't have a license. She had lost her license earlier in the year for accumlating too many points. She was on the 'revoked list'. However, it was getting late on a quiet Sunday evening in Monmouth County, NJ, and the store was just a few short blocks down the road. She said herself "I'm going in", and was off. The Quick Check had just closed for the evening. "Damn", she muttered. A dim light went off in her head as she scanned her memory of other convienance stores in the area. "Ah yes, just a town away is another store", and she was off again. Imagin her dismay as she pulled into the parking lot of the darkened vender. "Hmmm, well I'm out this far, I may as well complete the mission and get what I need". She succeeded in finding an open store in Oceanport and was heading for home. Now time for the "Who needs enemies when I have a friend like you" portion of the story. As The Lovely Lois was heading into Oceanport, a lovers quarrel was about to ignite the night. Bill Ganley was in a bar talking to a cop friend. He mentioned that The Lovely Lois was behind the wheel. "One Adam Twelve, be on the lookout for a light blue four-door sedan with a female driver in her mid to upper forties, driving on the Revoked List", police scanners blared. Often the only kind of luck The Lovely Lois had was bad luck. "License, insurance, and registration", the young officer stated. She granted his request, and he took the documentation back to the cruiser. She panicked. Somewhere Richard Petty's ears got hot as The Lovely Lois jumped on the trottle and the chase began. Three towns of chase. Back roads, county roads, one way roads all included. One cop who got a bit too close found himself in a field. A real life Smokey and the Bandit my mom was acting out. Unfortunatly, the police knew exactly where she was heading and set up a road block in front of our neighborhood. They wanted to make sure she got back her driving documents. The Lovely Lois, always with a keen eye spotted the conglomeration of shiny cars with swirling lights (as did small aircraft overhead) and changed her course. Down a small sidestreet, across a yard, and to the safety of her parking lot she roared. Clear liquid in hand, she dashed into the house, closed all curtains, changed into her pajamas, and opened the couch's foldaway bed in the blink of an eye. Somehow she was able to work up a curious look when the police knocked on the door. "Are you through for the evening Lois?" was the officers deadpan quote. Meanwhile, I'm excited. Police from three different towns right there in my parking lot! Police feeling the tires and hood of our car and burning themselves. Fortunately my mother had watched her fair share of police dramas, and told them she wasn't going anywhere without a warrant. They sighed dissapointedly, and with heads hung low drove away in search of a judge who would agree to arrest the mother of an eight year old boy who had just outdriven them all. In the early hours of a Monday morning, Eatontown's finest returned with the warrant. "There are lights in the windows Mom", I said. "Be quiet", she hissed. For some unknown reason, they left. The next morning The Lovely Lois dressed in her best outfit, took out her bicycle, and peddled to the Police Station to turn herself in . A few weeks later she stood before the judge and listened to her escapades read before her. Total score for the quest for clear liquids came to 51 points. Fifty-One points and a whole bunch of fines. Since she was a single working parent, she was able to work out a payment plan. Her license would be returned after the fines were paid. Nine years later the state of New Jersey reinstated her right to drive in the Garden State. I was always the kid that needed a ride to baseball practice after that. I think I was faking the sickness too. |
| White Scores Fifty-One |