My suffering inside, bleeds outside. What can I do to end this? I cry out - it doesn't help. I bleed more, pain grips me and grinds at my soul. I can't cope, this is my curse. What have I done? I've followed my heart, is that so wrong?
Death's cold temptations are always there - Death's touch tears at me. It's the only way to go.
My blood helps to soothe my soul. Suicidal sonnets aches in my body - my body is drowning in my hate and torture. What shall I use to help me? Do I slash my wrists, hang myself or take pills? They all seem perfect. Which way to go...
I take a knife, it's sharp. It needs to be. I bring my viens up - I can feel them pulsating - not for much longer. I place the knife there abd go though the motions. My eyes and heart yearn, "Just one, hard, fast cut - then drift away". I do asmy heart tells me.
The knife drops, the sounds echo in my ears. The music becomes distant, as do the colours I see before me. I feel my heart fade. It feels right, what I needed. I fade away. I grow unknowing, unhearing, unseeing, undreaming. I don't need to dream, it's come true.
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I'm in a black tunnel, it's cold and damp. My gown is flowing, black and beautiful. My wrists ae bleeding, I feel weak but warm. I carry on walking - walking no-where. Where am I?
I am lonely, but I feel better - my suffering has faded. There's something in the distance. I feel my bloodied wrists drip down my hands - but pain is none.
She's wearing black and holds thorns as flowers. Her viel is torn and tattered. She hands the toens to me - they cut, but don't hurt - just bled.
She kisses me. Her lips are cold, but they feel nice. Her kiss is dark and beautiful, like her. It tingles, it aches, but I want to be with her - I need her, I love her. I've soaked up her love and power. She has all the beauty in allt he women put together. The wind howls her name but I can;t hear it. The dark walls whisper to her - They to, want her.
She embraces me. Who is she? I feel something I've never felt before, pain, but relief. She strokes my body and says, "Your dying, but don't cry. don't be afraid".
I close my eyes - I'm not scarred. I open my eyes and we are not in the tunnel. Where are we? I look down, I see no ground. She holds out my arm and takes my hand. We are dancing in the darkness, in the beauty of the night. The wind embraces us and takes us with it. It whispers sweet words, "Your home now my darling, don't worry, your with us, your safe".
I look to her. Her eyes melt with mine. I feel like I know her already. I can hear angels, singout, gaily, their chorus of joy and love. It's beautiful. Their song makes me feel safer and happier.
Holding the thorns. She guides me into the red light, Entwined in Lust, Love and Happiness. Pure Happiness, with no hate.
My suffering has ended.My pain has gone - my life is none - but I live on. I no longer dream of death. The sweet, wonderful Angel of Death has given me her kiss and I have taken it.
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Bloodied Lust - Dec '02
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