8/14/03 -
I feel better, but not 100%.
I recently diagnosed myself with Border Line Personality Disorder.
Because -
1) I am often unaffected by praise or critisim.
2) I have reacurring thoughts of suicide - and not just after an arguement, etc.
3) When in a social situation - I tend to hide in the corner and hate being there.
4) I always self loath myself - like, I hate being me, I'm worthless, I'm crap, etc.
5) I self harm a lot.
6) I am not happy, hardly ever, and when I am - like in these photos - it's a front as I do not like talking about my problems to people, as they tend to take over. So I appear happy, when really I feel like I'm living in a black hole.
7) I tend to hate living and I feel like my only escape is suicide.
and
8) Most of people with this have been either been physically or sexually abused when growing up.
I was physically abused -Read my poem
The thing is - what I do I now?
Do I got ot the Doctors?
Do I get some pills or go and talk to some one who will probably make me feel like shit?
I Just don't know. At the mo I'm in New Zealand till June - so i can't really do much... but my b/f has oftered to come with me when I get back.
The other day I described to my bf the way I'm feeling as -
I'm living in a black hole.
I'm scraping to get out, but I keep slipping.
I'm falling...
But I've lost grip of it all.
I need a hand to help me.
I feel like I've totally lost grip of my life and reality - I feel like a ugly wreak.
If anyone else is reading this and they feel the same -
Pls contact me, I need to hear from you...
Also take a look at my self harm page - thank you.
18/friday/Apr.
I feel better now. But I still self loath myself and I still feel a bit down tho.... well really down still... but at the mo Im not thinking of suicide, etc, which is a good thing, right?
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