| 11 Weeks Pregnant |
| December 10, 2003 Wednesday I'm now 11 weeks along in my first pregnancy. Almost out of the first trimester, I haven't seen nausea or major breast tenderness in weeks. My belly is continuously growing larger. My original measurement around my belly (right at the naval) was about 33 inches and I'm now at 37 inches. I'm not sure ho much weight I've gained so far, but I know my usual prepregnancy weight was 150-155 lbs. I no longer fit into most of my clothing and have resorted to stealing Mike's clothes :) Now that the early effects of pregnancy have gone away I'm beginning to notice the hormonal changes, I get more emotional when I'm upset and crying is always close at hand if I don't keep myself in check. I haven't decided if I hate being emotional or love it. Both I guess. My major issue right now is where my baby's birth will take place and who I will recieve prenatal care from. For most women the answer to these questions is a given: deliver in a hospital and see an OB/GYN for prenatal care. Not for me. I abhor hospitals and I don't have much more affection for doctors (there are rare exceptions to this but they are few and far between). Ever since I've imagined becoming a mom (and believe me it's been a long time), I've always knew that the place for me to naturally *birth* (not deliver) my children would be at home, where I'm comfortable unless there were complications that would make a home birth dangerous. I can't imagine going through one of the most intimate, emotional and special events of my life in a strange, stressful place (where sick people bring their diseases and illnesses) with complete strangers who will treat this miracle as nothing more than an impersonal medical procedure? The very thought of it just feels very wrong to me. I want to be at home in a nice pool of warm water, surrounded by my family and assisted by a midwife who knows and understands what a woman goes through during birth. Up until the last century or so births were attended strictly by women and there's a reason for that, men don't understand what we go through, they don't know what we feel physically, emotionally, spiritually. Men may have some idea, but nothing like what women know. Childbirth is not something that should be hurried along for convenience, as is the common practice in American hospitals. Now my dilema. I live in Illinois, where midwifery is looked down upon as a crime in extreme cases, and brushed off in others. Finding a midwife here is difficult to say the least, and state assistance programs won't help pay for their services. Then there's my family and friends, none of which even try to understand why I would want to make such a "radical" choice. Why put yourself at such a risk? You *have* to have a real doctor for prenatal care. Oh, they have aquabirths at the hospital, where it's safe. You'll get an epidural, just wait and see. What if something goes wrong? I've tried explaining that if there are complications throughout the pregnancy I'll birth in the hospital, under the *supervision* of a doctor, but I'm still to be the one in charge. No one understands, or even tries to see my side of things. They look at me with shocked expressions, like I'm crazy or a terrible person. I'm so tired and frustrated with people second-guessing me and telling me I'm wrong and I'm not doing things right, and I have to do things a certain way. It's gotten to the point now that anytime anyone says anything about it I want to cry. Not to mention that since KidCare (Illinois' public aid program for moms and babies) won't pay for midwifery I can't afford to see one anyway. All I know is that if I end up birthing in a hospital with no good reason other than not being able to afford a midwife I'm going to be totally heartbroken. |