We laid my mother to rest yesterday morning. There is a loss in my heart that words con not describe. I feel ashamed of myself really. had not been spending enough time with her, since coming to Crystal Shores. But we ell all thought she was going to recover from the stroke she had, before we came to Crystal Shores. We thought she was getting stronger since being here. She was fighting hard, but then she was always such a strong willed woman. It was so very hard to see her incapacitated when she first had the stroke. Just to watch her struggle everyday. Knowing the strong woman she was, was still inside her, just hidden and undable to come out due to the stroke.

Many a time, I seen her hit herself because she could not perform a simple act. Tears rolling down her cheeks because she could not speak. And all along wanting to do it for her, just so you did not see her upset. But this only upset her even more. She felt she could do it. She knew she could do it. But you wanting to help her, only out of pure love for her, not wanting her to struggle ...

Well it upset her even more. She most have thought we did not believe in her. She did grow stronger though. And even came to the wedding. She looked good. I was so surprised. But very happy to see her.

~dips her quill in the ink, pausing to think back on memories. memories that should be buried far, far down and died. memories that need answers that will now never come. she shakes her head and continues~

Growing up Gira Carazzi was so amazing to watch. Anthony and Alterio never messed with her. They tried though, and sometimes succeeded.

~laughs softly as she writes of times long ago~

Anthony and Alterio were, how should I put this ... ~Very~ mischevious. Oh there was ~nothing~ they did not do. And when I came along, oh the times. They, especially Alterio. He and I were pretty close in age. So he would constantly convince me to do something. knowing full well he would eventually get caught. But would always bribe me with the candy. He ~always~ had that bribe candy.

~laughs dipping her quill then begins again~

Yes, I can hear him now. "Oh come on little one. I promise it will not hurt. Mother will be so surprised. Here, have some candy." Oh Alterio, I love him so. But he did not do it long, boy once mother found out. Course I always told. While munching on the bribe candy I might add.

~laughs, pausing to take a drink of her juice. dipping her quill she once again puts it to her paper~

When Axalon came along, all my terrorized moments could be taken out on him. But Axal and I never really did the things Alterio and I did. Or should I say, Alterio ~talked~ me into doing. I do however remember a time she got pretty upset with me. I got into her closets, dressing Axal in her best dress. Course having to bribe him to do it took alot of bribing on my part. He was dead set against it. But I was taught to bribe by the best.

I gave Axal the good candy. Didn't want to take any chances. I was so proud of my creation. Axal looked so cute. My telling him to stay there, handing him my candy, only to run in her clost for a brief second for some heels. Mother comes in. Course the first thing she is going to see is Axal. In her brand new dress. Makeup all over it, plus candy smears. Her gasp could be heard through the whole house. And the first thing he did was say, "Ali did it momma. Ali made me." So much for bribery huh?

~laying down the quill laughing. wipes her eyes, still chuckling as she continues again~

My mother was a wonderful woman. She endured alot since marying my father. I often wondered why she married him. He was .. he was such an ass. And she deserved ~so~ much better. And then there is that question. That one question that will forever remain in my mind, as I know it does in my brothers. Why? Why did she let this man treat her children, her own flesh and blood, the way he did. First Anthony, then Alterio. Oh Alterio, he always got it the worst. I always assumed father beat him more, because he was named after him. He always thought Alterio could do better. No matter how hard Alterio tried, my father never let up. And why, why my mother let this happen. That question will forever be on my mind. But now, eft unanswered. And once again, she leaves us to him, our father.

~sighs, putting down the quill and rubbing her temples. runs her fingers through her hair as she rises, leaving the book open to dry, as she walks away~

--Journal Entry, Lady Alianna (Carazzi) Giovanni, 28 April.

::wakes as the sun shines through the waters of the fall, shoving her blade aside her arm hurting but not as much as her pride. She picks up her book and begins to write of things she encountered yesterday::

There has been so much going on with me, so much I yet to understand and probably will never understand. I can not easily walk away from Alterio or any of the other Carazzi's. When Ali turned on me saying "I know the game you are playing and you are only mad because you can't have him (him being Alterio)" I wanted her to feel the pain she had just caused me. When she openly threatened me and I accepted, I think I meant it when I told her "finish the job your brother started."

::sighs and shakes her head as she continues to write::

I am so sick of jane thanking me for doing things in secret that I shouldn't be doing to begin with. If I love him then why am I helping him to marry her? I do it, hell I do it because I love him. I am stronger than I thought obviously. His lie to me yesterday hurts more than anything else though. Why did he lie to me? After all he and I have been through......

::shakes her head in complete bewilderment then continues::

Black is always there for me, but I know he loves someone else and I know that woman loves him. I will do what I can to see that Black is happy. True it may be me that he wraps his arms around at night when no one knows, but it is her that he wants. The thing he and I have in common.... pain. Black and I share a pain that no one could possibly understand. Is there anything more between us? Yes a friendship that runs very deeply. Nothing will ever happen between Black and I, it was not meant to be... both our hearts belong to someone else.

Axalon, oh how he intrigues me. The only Carazzi that has not turned on me. Well that's not entirely true. Some of the Carazzi's I don't even know and Axalon has threatened me. I think about that threat every time I see him, yet I find myself watching over him. I believe he seeks to understand me, which is not possible because I don't even understand myself.

::she chews on her bottom lip and tilts her head::

Then there is Ardsheal. That one is so very much like me. His training almost like mine. I am not sure what to make of him, we spend most of our time insulting one another. He has yet to fight with me, so I have no idea whether or not he is my equal. He and I always seem to be testing one another.

::narrows her eyes as she thinks about what she heard and saw from Ali and Alex last night::

Alex is pushing all the wrong buttons with me, if he thinks I will stand there and allow him to talk about Ali's family like he did last night he is seriously mistaken. I will not allow anyone to bad mouth Alterio. Alterio may be engaged to Jane and very well marry her, but NO ONE will disgrace his name while I breath. No one will call the Carazzi family 'filth' and NO ONE will hurt Ali like that! I swear on my own life that if I ever catch Alex doing it again things will get very nasty. Alex is not good enough for Ali, she deserves the love of a man that will always be by her side. She deserves a man that will not imply that she comes from a family of filth. I have felt many things lately... but my hate for Alex ..... that hate is something I haven't felt in a long time and I would gladly give my life defending Alterio, Ali or any of the Carazzi family.

::shakes her head way to angry as the rest of her thoughts begin to jumble badly, she shoves the book aside leaving it open::

--Journal Entry, Teiyah, 29 April.

~sits down by the waterfall, in the gazebo her little brother Axalon, built for her and Alex. she pulls out the quill, dipping it in the ink as she begins to write for the second time today~

I am writing again, because I am not sure how to rid myself of these thoughts, these emotions running through my head. And since I began writing a journal, it has seemed to help me alot. Alex had to go out for a while. Poor sweet Alex. We both have had to deal with alot lately. So much stress and worry on us. And both trying to be so strong for the other. But the words and actions of others, are slowly taking their toll. Normally ALex and I bock out the bad things. We snuggle into each others arms and everything seems to fade away. I wish he had been around when I was growing up.

First Alterio acting like father, constantly voicing his opinion about Alex. No matter or ot if I or Alex or the both of us were in the room. Voicing his opinons on how ~he~ does not like Alex Well it i ~not~ him that is married to Alex. So it makes no difference to me whether he likes him or not. All this though, all this hurt, ateful words of my choosing to be happy. It has taken it's toll.

Alex and I blew up at each other last night. Something we have ~never~ done. And regret terribly. And have since forgiven the other. Understanding and trusting in each others love. Knowing that the words that were said, were just it, words. But unfortunately they were not words to others. Teiyah happened to walk in on our little arguement last night. Her love for Alterio blinding her greatly. She insists upon judging Alex by what he said out of hurt. Hurt I might add, that we ~both~ have had to endure since we got together and said we wanted to get married. Never have I ever experienced such prejudice.

I mean, I have seen it before in others. And have ~always~ been there for the underdog. But I have ~never~ experienced it till now, first hand. And it hurts. But it hurts ~so~ much when it comes from your own family. Comes rom the one person you have strived so ~very~ hard to make happy. Proving Axalon and Torlin right. Alex and I need to be happy. We need to not worry so much and trying to convince others of the hurt ~they~ themselves are causing Alex and myself. We need to be and stay strong for each other. Neither one of us wanting to lose the other.

Alex, he feels guilty. He feels all this is his fault. And it is not. It is not. All he wants is for me to be happy. And I am so ~very~ happy. When I am with him, be it alone or the crowded 'dome, we are together. The whole world just disappears. It is just he and I.

My mother once told me, "Alianna you are so special. You are going to meet a man one day. And this man is going to love you like no one has ever loved you. And you have hard times. But that love the two of you share, it will blind everything else out."

She was right. I have that now. Maybe us finding each other when we did, was my mothers last gift to me. She and Axalon were so ~very~ happy for me on my wedding day. But then, those two have ~always~ been happy for me. Never once have I ~ever~ heard Axalon say anything bad about Alex. My mother neither. So why, why do we have to endure everyone elses prejudices? Why do we? Why can they not be happy for me? Why most ~constantly~ question my feelings? Or tell me how ~I~ am causing pain for everyone else. When in truth, all my life, it has been ~me~ that has been in pain. I has been ~me~ that has tried ~so~ hard to keep everyone else happy. Why then, why can ~I~ not have ~my~ turn to be happy?

If being with Alex is a mistake as they claim, then so be it. It is one of the happiest mistakes I have ever made then. Being with him fills my heart with joy, it would ~never~ be a mistake, for me to finally find that.

~lays down her quill, closing the ink. she walks out of the gazebo and over to the water. sits in the sunshine, dipping her toes in as she watches with a smile, Alex swimming. laughs and ducks as he splashes her then swims over to pull in her. hugging him happily~

::He smirks as the insolent sandcrab crawls over his parchment, as he stretches out on a quiet length of beach, the sun bronzing his body almost to a color of melted caramel. Here he takes the time to rest, try to sort out his incoherent thoughts, and go without alcohol, just for a little while, to purify himself in a way. He also reflects on the events of yesterday::

Taking a couple of days to myself, with word to none of where I'm going, and when I return, telling none where I've been, might be selfish. But I've never pretended to be otherwise. And I'll be damned if I see Jane til my nose resets completely, and even though the blackening of my eyes has diminished quite quickly, I still have a reluctance to be seen when not at my best. Am glad Jane wasn't present when we interred Mother yesterday. That was difficult, although I attempted to play it off. I will miss her, I loved her, but also despised her at the same time. Turmoil and inner demons abound in me, and I'm sure that she passed some of her own to me when she birthed me..."Get ye demons here! Anyone want spares?" ::Smirks as he sarcastically envisions a new shoppe::

Perhaps tossing that man in the volcano was rash, but you know me. Rash. Selfish. A whole host of qualities all possess, but most try to hide, or mock me for showing the truth that lies with us all.

Vain? Aye. "Worse than a woman", that half-elven girl I bedded a couple of months ago lamented when I used her looking glass and made her wait her turn. Perhaps, but would they rather an unkempt barbarian in their midst? Bah.

::Stabs the sandcrab with his quill, now pissed off at it for daring run past him again::

Torlin spoke sense. Or beat it into me, I am not sure. But I got his message. This little holiday I've taken at the spur of the moment was something he showed me I needed--and not the sound of my nose cracking, nor his admonishing me did it--it was the fact that he returned, when I needed him most. Now that he got the anger out of his elven system, I hope to sit with him and have a drink and discuss the future. I wonder how Ali is faring. And the rest of them. Well, I'll return tomorrow, I'll just spend one more eve here, alone. Unless ::glances out:: Be that a beautiful mermaid on the rocks? ::Squints:: Bah. A giant ball of seaweed. Well, I'm better off not having company right now. I'm just not in the mood for it yet.

--Journal Entry, Sir Carazzi, 29 April.

~rubs her head, looking tired and on the verge of tears, alone at her desk in her bedchamber as she has been since the night before last~

This is all entirely ridiculous, the pointing fingers and scorn of others. What have I ever done to them? How dare they! I am a Maichen, of noble blood, once upon a time. If Father knew, he'd roll over in his grave trying to find his claymore so he could begin the decapitations. How can no one understand?

I don't profess to want to change Alterio. Why should I? For one, it's hardly my place. As well, I fell in love with him as he is, and I still love him the way he is. If he looks to others...well, he respects me, and I believes he loves me, and those are things he does not have for them. It's his way, and I *know* I have little to truly worry about.

Alterio doesn't show who he really is, insecurities and all, to nearly anyone. I think they resent that. He's never professed to be the most moral being, and I don't expect him to be. That's not to say I wouldn't get angry if I caught him at something truly unfaithful and hurtful, but I will not make a spectacle of my fury in public. It's a private matter.

I am neither stupid, nor naive, nor ignorant enough to allow myself to be used. I resent and am insulted by such implications. Those that make such accusations know me not at all. I can take care of myself, watch my own back. As I've said before, I don't need my hand held.

Alterio has decency and goodness in him that is rarely paralleled. One only had to speak to his little girl, Mairin, to find the tenderness in him. She sings his praises honestly, as she seems incapble of falsehoods. He treats her better than any other father I've seen treats their children. The same is likely for Carina.

If anyone knew what I knew, saw what I saw, felt what I felt, they would never think to question. However, few can grasp what's inside of me, and that's a shame.

~Lady Jane Maichen, 29 April

~sets her crystal quill aside and rises, leaving the page in plain sight as she gets dressed, her thoughts finally set in coherant form. She plans to go to the Pleasuredome to see what aftermath has been wrought~

::sighs as she sits down to write. She dipd her quill and glances about::

    I came out of my shell a bit the other night, talking more than I usually do. I found that I may have made a few friends in the process, which is always good. I have not been back to the dome since then... been exploring a bit. I did not find much other than a few snakes. I could of used a bit of excitment but oh well....we do not always get what we want in life. I learned that along time ago. Sadly enough... But anyway.

I am not writing this to harp on my childhood. I am beginning to feel a bit more relaxed, less of an outsider here. In fact Sir Carazzi has asked me to teach his son the ways of the bard....which started an arguement between him and his brother. I told him I will teach the boy, but only if he is willing to learn. How can you teach one who does not want knowledge?

So I keep wondering what the boy wants. His uncle wants to give him streangth, which one needs on this island, but I can not teach streangth, so I feel that may be more important for the time being than learning my ways. I had to leanr that at an early age also...people like to take advantage of a young girl. With that aside, I will teach the boy when and if he wishes to learn. Though I worry that Sir Carazzi may be putting too much on the boys plate. He said that he wanted his son to leanr thinking that the boy was attracted to men. I have witnessed and overheard, as one does when they do not speak, that proves contrary.

But that is enough of that. I do not wish to contradict anyone. I say let people learn for themselves, for that is the only way to get anything out of life. I have seen that many people learn lessons of life here, and as much as they may hurt, it is important. It is part of living and such. It is hard for some to take things into stride, but that is their way. Not everyone can keep their temper like me. Though it may be a more peaceful place if they could. well, I suppose this enough for now. It is getting late and I grow weary. Until then and goodnight,

--Journal Entry, 30th April, Lina