~she wakes to the birds singing outside the window. she turns her head, focusing on two little birds perched on the rail of the balcony. smiling softly, she watches them hop around happily, then fly off. the morning sunshine starts to fliter in, reflecting in her blue grey eyes. she stretches, rising slowly. pulling her hair out from Alex's cloak as she moves to the study. remembering the bad dream she had in the middle of the night, she instinctively reached for him. realizing he was not there. she rose from their bed, putting his cloak on. she makes her way into the guestroom to check on Black. then moves quietly back to her bed, snuggling into Alex's cloak, haven fallen back to sleep. now as she moves into the study, she snuggles deeper into his cloak. as she pulls out her journal she begins to write~

Dear Journal,

Two days now without Alex. Sometimes I tell myself he is away. When the pain of wanting him gets to bad. He will be back soon and all will be alright, I say to myself. I know, I am lying to myself. But right now it seems my only source of comfort. Besides his cloak.

Alex left me his cloak with Tiger_Goddess just before he ...

~~sighs, closing her eyes~~

She gave it to me yesterday. She also told me, that he loved me very much. And he did. Alex did. Despite what Alterio may think.

~sighs, pausing to think of the harsh words Alterio said to her last night. the things he said about Alex~

Alterio is trying to be so sweet to me. He wants to be to me, what he used to be in my eyes .. "My world"

But it may take awhile. I seen a side of Alterio I thought would ~never~ show. It was my father. I seem to be seeing this side of him more and more. Not as much since Alex ... But it is still coming out. I love my brother very much. But he does not see the pain he has caused. And is ~still~ causing by his words.

He said that Alex used me. He said alot of mean things to me last night. trying to get past the pain he has caused? Justify himself in my eyes? Maybe in Jane's. Or perhaps his. Maybe deep down, he has seen that he has had a part in this too.

~sighs softly, stopping for a moment to dip her quill.~

There is no ~one~ person to blame for what has happened. ~Everyone~ is to blame. Hate and prejudice gets you no where. It hurts ~everyone~ in it's path. And since Alex and I seen it, experienced it first hand. I know the pain of not being accepted all because you are different. The hatred of it all. The nastiness.

That is ~so~ not fair to judge someone that way. Alterio is ~still~ judging Alex. Leave it be. Let it go. Can he not see the pain he is still causing?

Whether Alterio will ~ever~ see past his prejudices, I can not say. But I do know one thing. Alex ~did~ love me. With all his heart, he loved me. Yes, Alterio may say he is a coward for ended the pain the way he did. But that was Alex's way of helping me. He seen the pain I was in. He seen me not eating. Trying constantly to shelter him from the pain, everyone was causing. Trying so desperately to take care of me. Wanting me not to worry so much over Alterio. And his hatred.

~sighs, pausing again to redip her quill~

Why? Why did all this have to happen? Why did I feel the need to please Alterio? Alex and I ~were~ happy. We could have stayed here, in our home. Never seeing the world outside. Never seeing the prejudices. We were happy here. Some of the best times we have had, have been here in our home. I can still hear him "Tickle" in his zombie like voice. Me laughing, running down the hall away from him, only to have him come up behind me, and whispering in my ear. "I love you, my angel." Stroking my hair as I lean into his arms.

~pauses, taking a jagged breath biting her bottom lip~

Oh Alex, I miss you. How I miss you. My wonderful, sweet, gentle husband. How? How am I going to go on without you? I need you here. Here right now, telling me .. "It all will be alright, my angel. It will all work out in the end." If only Alterio could have seen past his prejudices. Seen the man I loved. He would have stopped all this. He would have been happy for us. He would have cared for Alex the way I did. He would have see the man I seen.

I am not sure if I ever will forgive Alterio for this. I love my brother with all my heart. But it will take a long time, for us to be at that level we used to be. If that level will ~ever~ come again. Cause when I look at him now, I still see the hatred, the pain. I still see Alex with the dagger in his heart. Him in my arms, bleeding. Oh Alex ....

~stops writing, lowering her head. wiping her eyes as Black peeks his head in. Not wanting him to worry. She smiles softly, rising as she asks if he slept well. moves into the other room, to talk to him~~

--Journal Entry, the Widow Giovanni, 4 May.

::Sits up late in the study, finishing his rye before scrawling a few lines before retiring for the eve. This night, he will retire in a chair beside Jane's bed, just to watch her sleep before he nods off. ::

Show me a man who wishes to take his wife's name at time of Marriage and I'll show you someone who's out to try and use her for everything she's worth. Wealth that the family's amassed, friends they've made, alliances they've forged.

Alex Carazzi? I will never forget the night he asked me for her hand. And asked to take on the Family Name. Rather than make her the Lady Giovanni..he wanted to be the Lord Carazzi! I could see through him right there.

Yet I am the ogre, the bigot. Bah.

Perhaps I have the last laugh...for Alianna has come into her own, financially, her wealth rivaling mine. But do I tell her that the bulk of the money was gold I gave him, in order to care for her? No. I won't rub her nose in the fact that I was right.

Show me a man who professes to love her so much, that he'd do anything to shield her from the pain of daily life..and I'll show you a dead winged elf who killed himself before her eyes. Before her very eyes. Scarring her for life. Bastard.

I will in time let this go. But I am NOT to blame.

::Walks away from his desk and up to Jane's quarters, not complaining about how uncomfortable this chair is, vs. his bed, nor daring to lie beside her. He will keep her pure.::

--Journal Entry, 4 May, Sir Carazzi.

::props her book on her thigh as she leans back against the rock she usually sunbathes on after swimming in the pond that the waterfall of her cove forms::

So much has happened in such a short time. I am not even sure where to start. After the last fight I got into I needed time to heal and to escape the Carazzi family. All of them. How I hated Alex for what he said, and now I hate him even more for the endless pain he has given to Ali. Axalon, always coming to the aid of his family (just as I do with zy), we did fight over Alex and Ali. Broken ribs and a bruised shoulder, all that will mend in time, but the damage done to the friendship will never be mended.

Although, having spent many days alone here in my cove, I realize that it was all for the best and just the thing I needed to shove ALL the Carazzi's very far away from me.

::glances towards the waterfall tilting her head for a brief second before turning back to the book::

I have pushed Black away. I know he truly loves Ali and now Ali needs him more than I ever could. When Alex killed himself before her eyes, I saw what I had to do. Black has his chance, not now naturally, but as Ali's pain heals. So seeing that Black has the opportunity to be with the woman he truly loves our 'agreement' is null and void. I pushed away from that situation hard and I regret it not. I want to see Black with the woman he loves and the woman he loves is Ali. Will the friendship between Black and I remain... that I don't know.

Zy has me worried, she sent word to me by messanger that she needed to speak with me, but I have yet to find her. It's almost as if she has vanished. I was told that she is upset, yet I don't know why. Too many days in seclusion has kept me from my sister. All I can say is that if anyone has hurt my sister while I have been healing they best watch out because I am back to full strength (although my ribs are still tender) and my sister is one of very few people I will defend to the death. I am not happy with Dan and this new woman from his past, but as long as neither of them hurt my sister I won't get involved.

::glances out towards the pond as the sun starts to beat down on the rock she leans against, she runs her hand over her now rather tanned leg then sighs::

Ardsheal, I am still not sure what to make of him. We have kinda gotten past the bantering and insulting of one another. He has shown me a very soft, tender side of himself that makes me wonder if he is truly my equal or not. He has visited this cove a few times, but I just don't know. He wants something more than I am able to give I believe. The arrangement I had with Black was perfect and I don't know if I can have that arrangement with anyone else, or even if I would want it with someone else. I still am very curious to see Ard's fighting skills. In all truth Ard is a very interesting man indeed, I just wish I knew what to make of him.

I think a lot about what Ali said to me last. About my place here on this island, my place in anyone's life. Retreating to my cove was the best thing to do to get away from the feelings and desires I had. I have now found a place deep within myself where I can forget about 'love' and that makes me happy. I don't need that emotion mucking up my life. I don't need people around me, and I surely don't need 'friends' that will slip a knife into my back when I am not looking. There are two people I trust on this island one related to me by blood the other someone I might have called friend forever, yet now the fates test that.

::shakes her head as her mind becomes scrambled beneath the suns rays, tossing the book aside she walks over to the edge of the pond and slips out of her clothes and into the soothing waters::

--Journal Entry, Teiyah, 4 May.

My pride is slowly healing after the last confrontation with my Father. I'm learning much being around my uncle Axalon, not just in the ways of cartography but of how to be a young man. Uncle Axalon seems to watch me in awe sometimes at how quickly I catch on to concepts, he chuckled and referred to me as "Sea Sponge", the way the knowledge he offers is absorbed by me.

Father says to address him not. To speak to him, it will be as "Sir", not as "Father." Because he's either still ashamed of me or, as one of the house staff has confided, he doesn't wish to explain how a man of twenty-three calendar years has a son who appears to look to be a young man himself. Or he wants to forget about the curse, since my aging seems to have stabilized for the moment. I think it's all reasons combined but will do as asked. Aunt Alianna says that she and my uncles and father had to refer to their father as "Sir" as well, so perhaps it's a family tradition. I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm becoming more comfortable in my skin, and might like to venture out into society a bit, rather than continuing my self-imprisonment. Will I? Well, the thought is there. I just need to act upon it.

--Journal Entry, Breuse Carazzi, 5 May.

I dont know what has brought me to put my thoughts to paper, well wax tablet to be correct, as writing on paper is near immpossibnle when in flight on the back of a dragon, for the first time in what would it be 100, 200 years, who knows maybe even as long as 500 years. It is probably all that has happened to me lately, especially in this last week and a half or so.

*stops to think gently petting Azorah and tells her to glide*

Let me see what has happened that has probably brought this on.

After a wonderful and intimate day with Vix, she tells me she love me... and not even half an hour later, or perhaps before I cant recall which she also tells me that after I left last time she filled out an application to Alterio's mistress, which ofcourse he accepted, he hasnt had her yet, and if she holds true to her word he wont.

The next day or day after, i find out that Vix had spent the evening before cavorting around with Black both naked in the pleasuredome, by one account she "was all over him". She tells me she didnt bed him. She has no reason to lie as we did have an open relationship at that time, well supposedly open as during the day she told me she loves me she also said she would hurt if not kill any other woman i was with, so I guess it wasnt as open as it was sposed to be.

Not long after I found out about Vix and Black, vix and me had an arguement saw me kiss Tiger not once but twice, directly infront of Vix just to test her word. To her credit she was true to her words about me being able to do what I want. Later on we commmited to each other..so much for an open relationship.. Later that day or perhaps the next, i performed my first healing since arriving on the crystal shores, It was done to revive Axalon after he fought Tei.. all because of this crap that Alterio started because Ali married Alex.. sigh.

It should be all over now since Alex unfortunately took his own life, but I know it wont be over, Axalon blames alterio for Alex's death, I dont think all that shit will end till Alterio is dead, though it would break both Tei's and Jane's heart. Whether both of them are blind to Alterio's ways or they choose to ignore it I dont know, I doubt Tei is blind, she is too smart for that, and I dont think she would ignore it either, perhaps she just accepts it especially as it is Jane that is married to him not her. Jane.. poor young innocent Jane, I think either she is blind to Alterio's way's or she just chooses not to see it. I dont believe she truly loves himnm, she is only 15 I think it is more of a crush.

Love.. love there seems to be alot of talk of love of late, Vix loves me, but do I love her?? I wish I knew, someone would think after 1500 odd years of life the question of do I love someone would be an easy one to answer but it isnt. I think I love Vix, but I know I still love Dahlia, and should she return permantly and Vix couldnt handle sharing me with her, i beleive I would still choose Dahlia, despite what it would do to my reputation on the island. Gods what will I do with Vix, she knows of Dahlia, knows I love Dahlia... she still tells me she loves me and leaves me feeling like a heel when all I cane reply is "I think I love you".. how can she accept that?.. She must truley love me, perhaps I should just cut her free, she deserves someone who will love her back not just wait for someone else.

**dated 6th of the May, Taeliesyn, Journal Entry.