::she sighs as she flips to an empty page of her sketch book not having her journal with her right now...in fact has no clue where her journal is anyway, but really needs to get her feelings on to paper::

Well I am not even sure why I am writing in this blasted thing right now...I just feel the need to express my feelings with out bursting into tears or the like in a crowded place. That usually waits until I lay in bed at night...

That aside...I feel like...Gods I don't even know how TO put my feelings to paper right now... I just feel low lately...

I feel alone...yes I know I have friends...but friends can't help this empty feeling I have inside...like a hole in my soul.

As I have already said I feel alone...so completely alone... Like I don't have anyone to run to when I need to...like I don't have the love I need. I need for someone to love me...treat me like the lady I am, not like a little sister or a little girl at all... but seems I may well be until I finally give up...on love...or even life in total. It always has been like this. I am always alone...always watching life from the sidelines. I feel like I am really missing out on something. Yes I have my days when it seems like I am charming some man and such...but the next day that will all turn around...as long as I am the only lady in the room is when I am treated like a lady and not some ornament...or chair even... That is the only time someone notices I am a living breathing person...and sometimes not even then. I wish I could myself the same advice and cheer myself up like I do for others...I lead a sad and dismal life and no one knows it so...as I always put on a happy face when I go out to face the world, instead of sitting at home, looking at the wall. I just Gah! I don't know anymore...I feel like I am drowning and there is no one to help...

:;she wipes her eyes then continues ::

I suppose I will do as I always do...be the smiling happy sweet quiet Lina everyone knows and such...That is all for now...I feel like I have rambled on long enough...

--Journal entry 3 July, Lina Metallium

*Lays down his harp gwenhwyfar and takes up a quill, hearing Mags' breathing in the next room*

These last few days have been like a winter storm at sea. Rising and falling as if tossed by gales, but like a winter storm the sun afterwards seems twice as bright.

Mags and I are together again; and I feel ten years younger at least. It's like I've regained my youth with her words of love. I've not been this happy since I reached the Isle. Today we ran and splashed in the water on the beach, I can't remember when I last did anything like that. It was fun.

I had a duel with that elf the other day. He needed to be taught a lesson, though I know not if he learned it. jasmin had ordered some Dwarven ale from his store and when Mags thanked jasmin for it Torlin exploded accusing the girl of theft. jasmin did not steal them, her flaws are those of temper not of theft, so I challenged him to a duel and he fell to my axe.

Still, jasmin disobeyed me, continuing to speak out again repeatedly so I have removed her privilege of speech from her. How long it remains gone depends on her. Should she be a good slave, cheerful and obedient to all commands they will be restored sooner. Should she not behave the time will be extended. Her repeated disobedience will not be brooked.

*turns to take a drink of ale*

But to happier thoughts. I am back living in Mags' house and we are in love. That's what really matters. Though I do hope Mags learns how to cook breakfast someday.

*Sands the paper and blows out the candles, to sleep and dream of Mags.*

--Journal entry 3 July, Halfdan the Black

:::sits on the porch of her cabin, journal in her lap as she stoops to write:::

Well, here it is..time to make my journey back to the mainland for a short while. I had not thought it would come so soon. I was wishing to see Taelie before I had left to return to the mainland, however, I have not seen hide nor hair of him today.

:::smiles recalling last night:::

So many good things happened last eve. My only blood relative returned after a thirty year abscence...Arthur finally returned and found me. He is again as quiet as he ever was, hardly speaking, and when he does, it is..as always...cryptically. Never has he given a straight answer, that I can remember, perhaps that is where I get it from at times.

Tika managed to come to the dome. I had prepared a surprise for her by letting her brother, Calhin, also a good friend of mine, know where she was. She was pleased and quite surprised to see him again, as I was to see her out of her home, finally. Its as if she has become a hermit, afraid to show her face...I cannot imagine what would hold her so to a confined area.

I spent nearly the entire evening with Taelie...the chaperone was...undoubtedly asleep. And I have heard that my Uncle has sent Paul out looking for me...obviously the man is not very intelligent..it is not hard to find me..I still hide from no man.

::sighs:: I shall miss my evenings with Taelie...but, I have a surprise planned for him when I return, something I intend to bring back from the mainland with me. I hope he will be pleased with that.

Mags and Dan seem to be getting along quite famously. Ali and Ben...I pray they reconcile things while I am away. I just wish everyone could be as happy as I am with Taelie.. Well...until my return...

::::leaves the journal open long enough to dry, then closes it, tucking it away::::

--Journal entry 3 July, Lyrias Dreams

It's all coming back to me now. Rage. Hate. Kill. Hurt. Hate. Hurt. Kill. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.

Hate........ I grow tired and I am succumbing to my wild urges again. Not one of the others realize what I went through to survive. They don't realize how it is in the wild. No thought, just instinct. It was 50 years before I spoke, let alone learned how to speak. It took another 50 to learn the ways of the civilized. Two human lifetimes and almost a third later and I still get the old wild urges. Kill. Hurt. Hate. Protect myself. Food. Hunt. Hate. Kill. The bard and Mags don't realize how much they're pushing. They don't realize who they're pushy. They think I'm just cocky. No. They mistake my arrogance for overconfidence. I know I'm as good as I say I am. I wonder if that pretty little Mags realizes that I could slit her throat in her sleep without her ever realizing it. And the bard would sleep blissfully beside her, dreaming his foppish dreams, singing his useless songs. Not even her half-elven side can protect her. Where is all your vaunted history when your loved one is dead? Your songs won't do much to protect you from my blade. Nor my arrows. People have already lost guards to my arrows. I'm good. Hunting for survival will do that for a person. And your pretty little slave. If she hates me for enforcing the laws of this island, then so be it. But she better watch her back. She is property and has no rights. She has no right to feel. No right to talk. No right to ANYTHING. And what makes her even worse is that she gave up her freedom willingly. I cannot understand a person like that. It's pathetic really. Why anyone would not want to be free is a travesty. Yet the bard claims to fight the good fight. And he's the one with a slave? Bah. I just uphold the laws, i never claimed to agree with them. Hate .Rage. Kill. Hurt. Hate. Rage. Rage. Rage. I am tired for being accountable for things that are not my fault. I had valid reason for believing my shop was robbed. The slave had admitted that she had what was missing. How do you fault me for that? Rage. The bard, already on my bad side, picks another fight. Rage. I want to hurt you all. Kill. I am tired of being the one to stand up for what I believe in. Hurt. I am tired of being the only one on this island who is their own person. Alone. Not the first time, not the last. Hurt. Rage. Pain. Hurt. Kill. None of you are safe from me now. Hurt. And now I just may cave in and vent my fury.

Hate. Hate. HATE.

--Journal entry 5 July, Torlin

::She bites her lip as she looks out over the ocean, watching the waves roll in::

I have found out a few things about myself lately. I had a long discussion with Dan aout some of it, whicih I think is just what I needed. I talked with him about me keeping to myself, and how hard it really is to break down those walls I have built up around myself for years. I know I need to break through them, but it is hard, and I am really trying. I have been for a while.Not long after that discussion, Mgas asked me for my story, which no one here really knew until then. I told them and whoever was listening the not too long story. Perhaps a few people understand me a little better now, and why I kept to myself for so long.

::She smiles a bit as she continues writing, remembering that eve::

Mags told me I can't keep on being so quiet, or else....Now I was going to bring myself out more, but that is just extra incentive. But really, they care about me and my well fare, something I haven't seen really before here. So I was asked a favor of Dan after all this talking. He asked me not too sit alone for a while and to sit with him and Mgas. I agreed, it was the least I could do for burdening him with my problems. He was right about one thing, I have few close friends, and even less friends, but I love all my friends dearly and would do anything I could to help them. I hope they all know that.

::She smiles a bit as she looks to the ocean once again, remembering last night::

Ah I have even forgot all that stuff between me and Ben...hell wipe the slate clean for a new start, right? I sat on the beach, after talking with Jane for a while, and watched Miss Ali and sethin in the water. Miss Ali seemed like a little girl playing in the waves. And sethin, he looked like he was having fun. Not too long after Jane left, sethin came out of the water and we had a nice chat, until Ben knocked me into the water... Everyone seemed like little kids in the water, no worries, no enamies, no problems. Everyone seemed carefree for once.It was a nice change to what ususally is going on. No fighting or arguingf went on last night...a nice peaceful carefree evening, for the time I was there anyway. Well I am rambling again.

Until next time

--Journal entry 5 July, Lina Metallium

sethin wakes in the middle of the night seating and fild with pain He move to his journal and wrights these word.........

Over the last few days I have been thinking of the past and the Futcher. every night I can stop thinking of the past and when I fall a sleep I have horrible dreams of me as a slave but all of the things I see never happened.... sethin looks down at the Q burnt just below his wrist and starts wrighting again.....

I think to my self all the time that if I would have stayed maybe it wouldn't be to bad. I was not getting as much painful lashings and the burns weren't bad..... food was horrible if I got any at all.but now every day I find my self looking to the futcher and if I have one hear on the Island or will the bounty hunters finally find him and take him back to my masters to be killed or even worse sent back to slavery....

(sethin looks at the scare and his other hand and keeps wrighting)

Later this Eve Lina asked me why I was being so quite I told her that I was thinking of the futcher and this was the truth exsept I was thinking of a futcher with a lady......

(sethin looks down at him self dirt coverd face and hand the scars in some places on his face and arms)

oh who am I kiding no woman would ever think of me as more than a friend I guess that love is not for me I just feel like it turned it's back on me when I left my masters..... but I guess that's the price I pay for freedom and I say If there's a life with out love then give me back to the 12 masters that owned me or give me death (sethin looks to the last word an scratches it of and corrects him self)or give me love.

(sethin put's down the jornal and trys to get some sleep)

--Journal entry 5 July, Sethin