~she peers at her latest journal entry, seated atop Rusher's saddle, outside the gate of her realtives' home, where she has just taken her son to visit his great aunt. She draws in a breath and reads it~

I don't like how I feel today. It doesn't seem right. I expand with joy and love when I'm near Paul, but when he's away from me, with Aunt Amy, or even when I just step out of the room for a moment, I feel this penetrating hollowness in my being. It's worse today. I'm not sure why.

I just feel very alone without him. Being surrounded by my family, I know I don't fit with them anymore. And I get this feeling when I pass friends that they don't understand what's happened. Do I understand it? Gods, I've made so many mistakes in the space of so few months. It's as though no matter what my intentions, or what I think them to be, the moment I take that step forward to where I think I need to go, I end up regretting it, and want to take it back.

But I can't. I don't even know where I'm supposed to be anymore. My way isn't clear. I no longer feel as though I've free rein to take the world by storm. I haven't, really, for some time. It likely started once more when Riena passed. Sweet Khlamar, why must I stumble so? Why do I err so often, and so...fatally? Why must others suffer for my mistakes? There are no lanterns to light my way. I've no companions down this road I cannot find... But I've a child, a child who loves me, and whom I love...and with whom I fit. Perhaps he is my chance to redeem myself. My true good in this world.

~she pauses reading these words. She shuts her eyes, and looks over her shoulder at the house. With a heavy heart, and that hollow ache, she signs the entry~

--Journal Entry, 20 November, Jane Maichen

*sits in the shadows out the outside of the some, writing angrily after what just happened*

By the stars....I know that there are pros and cons to everything and I suppose I have found the con to the kind people of the isle...luckily the good outnumber the bad here...but the bad come in such degrees of intensity...

Bah...the man I write about is "Lord" Neo...yes, from the first I saw of his actions, it was clear he's a rash fool...but I thought his first impression was only the worst of his character...BAH! I was wrong! I know how to suffer through a joke, I've suffered through many a joke...HELL my whole damn life seems to be a joke...but he...he went too far...

I have been able to take a joke...and different people have different ways of responding to a insult that was meant as one...I have resorted to flinging peanuts...no harm done...Val has tossed cashews, Lyrias and Mags a lollie...so what harm does my response have?

None...nonetheless, he had put me to sleep to begin it...which wasn't too bad. When I awoke, I found the patrons insulting my unconscious form...they didn't even stop when I did awake...

I responded with my flinging peanut routine...when that missed and they still wouldn't stop, I went for each with a melee bout. First I pushed Lyrias backwards, and that happened to be right off the bar. Bah...nothing compared to what slander and embarassment I had to suffer at her cause...Lyrias retorted by sitting on me...this all seemed harmless until the he decided to interferre again...

He was going to glue us together, but Lyrias already stopped sitting on me...so I snatched the glue from him in an attempt to strike back at Lyrias...all in fun and games, she even evaded my attempt to do so...then he interferred again...he grabbed me from behind and stuck me there himself..using the same brute force he showed when I first saw his actions towards the injured Khalidan.

I squirmed...I couldn't move anything but my wrists and my head...

and no matter what...the memories returned...they continued the teasing...and I gave up...the teasing really didn't bother me...but being stuck there did...I couldn't move...just like back then...I closed my eyes and gave up...they continued the snickering..the chuckling...and their laughter turned into the laughter of the kids.... ......pleased with their actions...they had tied me down, and proceeded to beat me...I was inferior to them, half human...after all....the beating continued...rocks, sticks, fists, branches, anything they could find. I cried out for help, but no one came...I was left there....in the night....I escaped, somehow...I ran...couldn't let it happen again....I opened my eyes to hear him ask if was ready to be let free...I could hear the kids again...."Ready to go? Had enough?"..."Yes! YES! Stop!

Please!"...."no"....

*stops to wipes a few tears from his eyes before they stain the paper, then resumes* Well I wasn't going to give in to their trick this time...I was angrier than I had ever been...I told him the truth...if he let me go, I was going to hurt him. They laughed some more and left me. A child began crying. Who was it...Lia? Yes, that was it. I felt for her, Lyrias told me to cut thisout...the hell I was...she may have had her past problems, but she has no idea of mine...I could understand hers....but mine run just as deep...

Lyrias was the one who let me free...and when I saw Neo...the gods help me...I was ready to kill him, or at least go down trying. He thought I couldn't take a joke....Lyrias thought the same when she stormed off, Neo at her heels...they ne'er even thought to ask what was wrong...sometimes these people seem more foolish than I...

--Journal Entry, 21 November, Eyas

::ponders over what I did in a rage of anger....I hope that whore does her job well and gives Alterio at least 3 diseases:: Now that Nun has returned I feel much better but he wont work as a way to get jas with child.....fondles the turkey baster...I will have to find a way to make dan use this. jasmin needs to curb her wild side...there must be a way...mayhaps I should talk to jane and ask her about letting jas be the godmother maybe it will help.....I know naught what else to do.

Sighs and starts to drink more heavily than normal and slides into a stupor

--Journal Entry, 21 November, Magdelennya

:::seated in the sitting area of her suite at the Manor, she takes out her journal, quill, and ink, writing, as she awaits the sunrise::::

Nearly time to go down and have the cook fix breakfast.

Then off to the Shoppe I go. I do love working in the shoppe. It gives me a chance to create things.

Last night at PD, Eyas and I were clowning around. Neo happened by, and during the course of our clowning, he put Eyas to sleep, then superglued him to the bartop with something. Eyas became absolutely furious. I didnt have the chance to talk with him before he left. Though, by Khlamar, the two were acting worse than spoiled children. I asked them BOTH to cease, Lia was already in tears...and neither of them paid me any heed at all. After Lia went back to the Manor, I told them both exactly what I thought of their behaviour. I was appalled. Neo, especially. To think, I used to train him on the mainland and he doesnt even listen. Why must men at times act like such children? It defies me. I honestly believe the thing that angered me the most is I asked them both to stop because they had upset Lia, and neither did. People just do not understand that over that child, I would slit their throat and leave them lying in their own blood. You harm Lia, and there will be hell to reckon with. And I, myself, will assure it. Anyway, enough thought on that. Time to have my meal, then head to the Shoppe...I hope for at least some business today. That would be nice for a change.

~Lyrias~

:::She rises, and dresses herself in some of her older clothing, knowing it will be soot covered and stained when she is through, as well as herself from the forge she uses to melt the metals. Taking in her meal of cold cereal, she finishes, and walks out of the Manor, whistling, softly, and upbeat elven tune::::

--Journal Entry, 21 November, Lyrias Dreams

::He listened stoically as the news came in from two shocked, whitefaced guards. Dressed without a word before first light and accompanied them to his sister's home. A lot bloodier than they'd described the scene, the only notable outer reaction was a quiet gasp. He covered her with a sheet, had them carry her out to the pyres, and locked down her home against thieves.

Followed them and watched her burn, without calling family nor friends. Did it as quietly as his sister did her deed.. And then he went home.

To the study he went, the ever-present bottle of rye coming from the bottom drawer, and foregoing a glass this day. Still no expression as he swigged directly from the bottle, then set it down and picked up his journal.::

Once in a place far away from here, in a mainland town called Achethe
Is where all we Carazzi children took in our first birthing breath.
Some of us grew, but Aramis stunted, the sickly one met Sir Death.

Then came the day we sailed away, grown and on our own.
Four of us left, then Axalon wished to sail on excursion alone.
That was the last sighting of the youngest, he did not come home.

Then my only sister, my little one, the one Ben and Alex before him called Wife;
Must've had her plate full of sadness, woe and internal strife.
Just this very morning, with razor to wrists, my sister took her life.

Once there were five together alive.
Then there were four, but not anymore.
Dwindled to three, but not meant to be.
Now there are two, next will be one
And then there are none.

--Journal Entry, 21 November, Sir Knight Carazzi

:::standing in her Shoppe, she sees the pillar of smoke rising, having left very early to work, stepping outside and locking the door, she inquires of it from one of the guards, their answer not one she had expected, she looks to them wide-eyed, and in more than shock. Trembling slightly, she returns to the Shoppe, locking it from customers, shooing those inside out, and sits beside the forge, with her journal in hand, beginning to write:::

Why? How did this happen? What could have pushed Ali so far to the edge? Not two days ago, she was fine....now shes gone. Gone. ::silently, she wipes her own eyes, taking in a few breaths. Trying to accomplish the stilling of her hands before writing further:: Its almost like seeing my own Family, slaughtered again. By the Gods...how could she have not talked to me? Why? Ali...the woman I loved like a sister, she's gone.

::after a bout of tears, and drying them, leaving her face smudged with soot, she attempts once again to write:::

The Manor grows less and less populated all the time.

Already, two more gone...so quickly. How will this be explained to Lia? I cannot hide this from Lia, she will know. This is impossible to hide. I cant even...I cant even come to terms with this myself. Why would this have happened? Why would she have done such a thing? WHY?!

:::the anger takes over now, and she throws things around the Shoppe, towards the back where she works, on the shaping of the jewelry, her energy spent, she collapses near the forge in tears:::

--Journal Entry, 21 November, Lyrias Dreams

::Xanthia takes her journal from it's resting place, her hands trembling with an unending tremor of unexpected and bitter pain::

Dear Journal;

I have not written in some time. I apologize, but I have been more 'touchy' lately than normal. I do believe it is these tragic events which have touched my heart. I have not had the will to write but now I summon it and feel the need to explain things... at least to myself for as much as I do understand them. For truly, I dont understand it all.

In this moment I have so few words to express what has happened. It almost seems unreal but the smoke on the horizon tells me differently and confirms the awful truth.

Alianna is dead by her own hand.

It was bad enough when Paul died. Chas told Thirlia that he had gone on a trip to help angels and .. well, I confirmed it. It seemed innocent enough and well, it isnt a lie. Paul most assuredly resides with angels and will help them as well.

But Ali..... how can this be?

And Tori, too. What is going on... why is this happening..

I am saddened beyond belief.

So much more's happened since last I wrote but it seems insignificant beside these deaths.

I can hardly tell you anything else, tho' more has happened .. my house has a roof, is being repaired and has furniture.. and I got a gift of a necklace, bracelet and earrings... which I am not sure I will keep. All from BossKuno. And I have no idea why he did it. He said he'd take the house if and when I left at the end of my contract. Well, yeah I guess ... I suppose I will end up giving him the house. It seems fair since he repaired the place.

I met the new marshall. His name is Amalric and he is very polite. He helped one eve when Mumphra tried to attack a friend of mine. It turned out ok and he and I spent the evening talking. He is a very nice man.

With all of these things, the confusion, the deaths, arguing with Dracored-{AC} and dealing with his veiled threats and ill temper, I am at the end of my rope.

I feel... wretched.

I must go to work, tho' I see little point to it and to my life here.

Perhaps I shall write more later

Adieu

Xanthia

::Xanthia puts the quill aside, allowing the ink to dry before she closes the journal and puts it away::

--Journal Entry, 21 November, Xanthia