One thing I've learned is love is cruel,
From now on I just want jewels.
I know love is painful, that's easy to see, Precious to me,
love will never again be.
Love is rare and hard to come by,
To find love again, I wont even try.
I will ignore love's power and might,
For me now, there's no love that's right.
From now on, I think lust will have to do,
Falling in love is to painful, its true.
Just thinking of love leaves me cold,
Lust should be safer, or so I'm told.
Love has betrayed me just as it is now,
Love leaves the stage without taking a bow.
I thought I needed love in my life,
But I learned fast, love is to much strife.
Falling in love is why I'm alone and sad,
For me, love always turns out bad.

--Journal Entry, 3 November, Vixen Blade

Try to find
the love inside
You need a mind
In which to confide
Am I that one?
Who really knows
But you know what they say
That's how it goes

Sometimes I think you're always wrong
But that feeling fades before long
You just don't really know what's right
So I say I love you, goodnight

I'm left behind
It's all right
If I'm not the one
I will go on
But if it's true
That my soul mate is you
Please don't turn away
To this I pray

Sometimes I think you're always wrong
But that feeling fades before to long
You just don't really know what is right
So I say I love you, goodnight
Sometimes these things are so confusing
They're not the least bit amusing
But to this love I do commit
You will be the one I die with

Please don't go away
Listen to what I have to say
Stay with me, I'll show you how to fly
Then you'll never have to ask why...

...I love you.

--Journal Entry, 3 November, Valyndor Lyndrae

*sits quietly at the small, simple desk in her room at Mags home, feeling quite lonely and distressed over the past few days events.*

Well, I have met Anastasia face to face. *A single tear slipping from her cheek*

She is as they said, quite identical to me in features. Same auburn hair, same green eyes, even our statures are the same. Twas like a reflection in the looking glass to gaze upon her. However I fear there is one major difference, Anna does have a slight temper. Twas most call it anyway, I fear tis more defensive then anything. Many realize she has nae had an easy time of it. They see her for a cruel, heartless, woman, with a temper. Though tis understandable as she really was quite horrid upon her few visits to the dome.

Whence I saw her, face to face, I fell upon my knees before her in joy, and reverence to her position, however she nae even acknowledged me, and even berated me verbally!!! Accusing me of being touched in the head! How could she nae see the resemblance? Tis so obvious, at least enough for one to consider the possibility is it not? She even had the other half of the broken amulet, which I was given upon the beginning of my quest,and even this did nae convince her! She accused me of stealing it from her home.

This has to be the hardest part of finding Anna, the bittersweet irony, My blood relative, siblings and twins, will nae acknowledge my existence.

*dips her quill, wipes a tear and continues*

On a sad note, I fear I had to tell M'lord Demas that I do nae feel towards him such as I was beginning to fear he felt towards me. I do so hope I used the gentlest words possible, as I enjoy his company, yet I fear I can nae return the admiration in such a way. He seemed to take it well though, yet I do know that a mans pride is a gentle thing, and must be dealt with accordingly.

*shudders to herself at the next bit of news*

I thought my day was horrid with all these events occurring, yet I fear it only got worse. The very same day, after speaking to Demas, and the encounter with Anna, I was speaking with M'lord Carazzi,as he seemed so kind and comforting, I was rather beginning to lean upon his strength, both physical, and mental, until he offered me a position to become his mistress!!

Aye, I said his mistress! Of all the inconceivable notions, how dare that man so much as think I would allow myself to become a whore? Oh, he prettied it up with fancy words, told me I would nae ever want for anything, would be taken care of..and I must admit, I wondered how it would feel for once in my life to be taken care of by someone, to have whatever I needed given to me, instead of earning it upon my own merit, however that was until I heard what would be required of me!! How dare he?

I nae trust my judgement whence it comes to the men about this Isle any longer, I thought he was rather charming at first, to offer protection from what looked to him as a threatening situation with Anna, only to find out that his chiverely, which I found so noble, had ulterior motives!!! He but only wanted me in his bed.

*sighs softly, and closes her journal, turning to ready herself for bed, and allowing a single tear to fall at the prospect of another lonely night, as she will surely get little sleep*

--Journal Entry, 3 November, Lady Charquin

"enters the Boutique still laughing as she sits down at her desk to write"

That was so funny. After that little talk with Val, shortly afterwards I asked if he wanted to have sex on the couch, right then and there in 'Dome. He declined when he figured out it was just lust. Told me I needed to grow up or something to that effect. "glances down at her body and shrugs"..My body is all growed up, what more does he want? Love? ....well I just dont have love to give. Besides, while we were talking earlier, he told me I needed to change and hoped I would change for the better. I just wanted to shock him with the sex on the couch comment. "smirks" And -If- it had been just lust...so what? Isnt that what Ive been doing all this time? It sure wasnt cuse Alterio loved me.

Thing is I know Alterio cares for me. Ive never asked for more from him. I dont think he can really love anyone. I would have settled for that and being just a small part of his life. I know he cares for me as much as he possibly can care for anyone. I never expected more than that from him, even though I love him and he knows it.

"sighs as she glances around the shoppe and the nights work she has lined up to do, she rubs her temples, a headache beginning from all the wine she consumed at 'Dome"

Lots of things to do here tonight, it should keep me busy well past dawn. "chuckles as she remembers the look on Val's face, when he declined sex if it was just lust and she told him ..it was fine, she could find someone else who wouldnt care" Well, nuff for now, i have things to do.

"she leaves the journal open on the desk to dry as she rises and gets to work"

--Journal Entry, 3 November, Vixen Blade

:::sits up in her bed, as she hears a soft rapping upon the inner door to her suite, and the young maid's voice.."M'Lady Lyrias..would you like some lunch?"..rising and wrapping a robe about her, she moves to the door.."No, thank you, just some mint tea, please?" The young maid nods and goes to bring her tea, as she sits and takes out her journal to write::::

I wonder sometimes if I am the only one who thinks of locking herself away for a period of time until all the answers come to her. I doubt that I am, I am sure there are others who think of the same thing. Something always happens to pull me out of these moods..recently, it has been seeing all the children. Christopher, Mairin, Mia, and Lia. They are truly too precious to be taken for granted. Even at my worst, the four of them can always drag me back up to the surface and set me to treading water again. It's sink or swim, my dear, and you...are too damned stubborn to sink.

:::she smiles to the young maid as she takes the tea, with a polite "Thank you." sipping it , she sits it at the side of her journal and begins to write once again:::

I feel as though I have a change coming. I dont know what kind of change yet, but, its almost as though it is a tangible feeling. As though I could reach out and cling to it. Perhaps that is what I need. A change. Sometimes I feel myself slipping back...back to what I was before I came to the Isle. Back to the cold, uncaring person that I was.

Back to the person who could be unobtrusive and yet in the same breath, lethal. I've slain many people, and I live with that fact everyday. The young ones I had taken under my wing before, they want nothing much to do with me, except for when they are in trouble. But, Lia, she amazes me with the patience she shows me. I could never harm her, or allow harm to come to her.

::smiles and waves as the little golden head peaks into her room from the adjoining door "Come play, An'y Leer..peas?"...laughing she looks to Lia..."In a moment dear, let me finish my writing, ok?" ....a nod of the child's head.."Okies."...and off she goes::

I think, today, I shall spend most of it here in the Manor with the children, and Ali, whom I hear laughing with them. Perhaps I will even spend a little time with Uncle Alterio. He is usually very busy, so any time I get with him is always pleasant.

:::thinking of her Uncle brings back the memories of being drunk, and fighting the Sharken:::

Ooh...once he finds out I was drunk at the dome...he'll kill me. If he finds out that I did indeed fight the Sharken...Ill be drawn and quartered, Im sure. I hope no one has said anything to him...oh how I hope no one has said anything. I did it, though, and if it has come to his attention, then....Im just in trouble. Up shit creek without a paddle, so to speak. At least he hasnt noticed the scratch on my arm...or if he has, he must think I got it somewhere other than by a Sharken's teeth, thank Khlamar.

:::The golden head peeks back in again..."Come on An'y Leer.."...she calls, smiling, Lyr signs her name to the entry, and rises to go and play with all the children and Ali:::

My "Golden Child" beckons....

~Lyrias~

:::rising, she leaves the journal open to dry, thinking to put it away later:::

--Journal Entry, 4 November, Lyrias Dreams

~after returning from her last tucking in of the children, she sits at her desk, pulling out her journal to begin another entry~

Dear Journal,

Today was a very good day. Lyrias and I spent the day playing with the children. And they obviously enjoyed it even more than we did. Especially the picnic on thier nursery room floor. And gave me a break from working so hard. And that was a definite relief.

~pauses for a moment, as she hears footsteps. she rises from her desk to peek out the door, just in time to see Thirlia head down the hallway to Lyrias' room. the guard in tow. she nods, smiling to the guard and turns back to her room and writing~

I went to the 'dome last night for a much needed break from work, and Ben was there. I spoke with him briefly, but he was so exhausted, he fell asleep at his desk. I covered him up with my shawl, and gave his forehead a kiss good night. I truly miss him so much at times. And even though I have said I want what is best for him, I will not lying, my love for him is still there. And will always be ....

~~pauses in her writing as her door opens and Thirlia pads in, telling her Lyrias was not there and if she could stay with her. Ali rises and scoops Thirlia up into her arms, taking her to the rocker and begins to sing her to sleep. forgetting all about her writing~~

--Journal Entry, 4 November, Alianna Carazzi

"she rereads the note she found pinned to the door at 'Dome...she shakes her head "Any whom your heart breaks, must be forgiven for their mistake"....she wonders who wrote that as there is no signature on it"

hmm I wonder who wrote that..And who was it meant for? Bah I cant believe Alterio paid Kuno 1500gp and hour to keep an eye on me and report to him anything I do...."smirks" I dont think Kuno is going to tell him I danced though. Alt is paying him for nothing. Althought Kuno did stay there the full three hours. Alterio has no right to pay some one to babysit me anyways. Im -not- a child. And i didnt even do the whole dance at 'Dome that I did for him. I left quite a lot of moves out of it when I did it at dome."smirks" Even had a silk long scarf draped around my neck, which covered me. Thats more than I wore when I did it for him.

Well anyways Alterio may not find out I danced at Dome.

I worked all night last night til past dawn at the Boutique and Im exhausted so im going home and crawl into bed and hope I can sleep for a while.

"she leaves the journal open on the desk and heads out of the Boutique for home.."

--Journal Entry, 4 November, Vixen Blade

Things with Vixen and I are tense, to say the least. I really do love her, and I told her that the night before, along with a lot of other things. She just seems to have fallen into a state of apathy towards love, and it's ripping me apart. She offered me sex the night before, just sex, lust. Of course, I rejected, if I accepted it would have only fed her problem. She said she was joking about it last night, but who knows anymore. She also told me she danced in the Dome, that sure was comforting. Ugh. I'm still going to stick it out for her, because I truly do love her, and I believe Alterio and the others who say there's truly something good and pure inside of her, but right now, it's really, really hard to see it. I mean, am I really wasting my time with this? I could be getting on with my life, doing shopping for furniture for my house and whatnot, or a million other things I could be doing instead of moping around thinking about her all day, which I do.

Hell, I could start looking at my options as far as a significant other goes, before those options are taken. Hell, Charquin seems like a rather honest, mannerly, respectable person...but I just can't get these feelings for Vixen out of my head or heart. She's going to really have to walk all over me to get rid of me, I can see it now. Dammit. Love may be good, but it really hurts sometimes.

--Journal Entry, 5 November, Valyndor Lyndrae

Month Eight, Year One, Continued