Untitled Document

Jokes

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Afghan Hound: Do I have to? It'll mess up my fur!

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

Basenji: I'll wait for them to fix it, but now I'll chew on the couch while it's dark.

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel: I'm so cute I can crawl on their lap and they'll do it for me.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Collie: I can't change it, but I'll go get Gramps as soon a s I get Timmy out of the well!

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

German Shepard: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

Giant Schnauzer: Can you please hurry up and change that bulb, I can't see to read the paper I'm suppose to pee on.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Irish Terrier ( Canadian Born): I can do it right after I chase that damn squirrel. You want to make something of that, EH?

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Pug: Is this light bulb edible? No? Then forget it.

Rottweiler: Make me! Yorkie: Light bulb? I buried it! I thought it was a new kinda tulip!

Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dachsie cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachsie laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

THE LATEST DOG BREEDS

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu = Oh, never mind....

A butcher in his shop, the owner notices a Dachshund standing at the counter in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the Dachshund is back again. So he goes over to the Dachshund and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages please. The Dachshund has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill as well. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages in a bag and places it in the Dachshund's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to close the shop and follow the Dachshund. So off he goes.

The Dachshund is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The Dachshund puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The Dachshund then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The Doxie checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The Dachshund walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the Dachshund goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the Doxie looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his saugages still in the bag in his mouth.

Well, Dachshund and butcher are walking along the road, and then the Dachshund turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - Whap! - against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and - Whap! - throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the Dachshund goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the Dachshund. Yelling, ranting, and such at the little Doxie. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing ? That Dachshund is a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven's sake!", to which the guy responds,

"Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A DACHSHUND LOVER'S HOUSE WHEN.......

1. Every purse and coat pocket is rifled when you walk through the door..

2. The bed has sausage shaped lumps under the covers.

3. The doggie door is only 8" high.

4. You're face gets licked by a dog standing on the back of the couch.

5. When you come into the house after being away only minutes and you are greeted like you've been gone for 10 years.

6. When someone hands you a tennis ball as soon as you walk in the door.

7. When the owner's introduce their Dachshund as their oldest son.

8. Footstools are placed strategically around the furniture and bed.

9. The house is decorated with Dachshund items.

10. The owner is decorated with Dachshund items.

11. Gates are placed in each doorway.

12. After the doorbell rings, you can't hear a thing for 10 minutes.

13. The alarm clock is set for HIS wake up time.

14. Dachshund "nose art" is proudly displayed on each window.

15. There are at least 45 balls laying around the house.

16. All socks, underwear, and shoes have holes in them.

17. The sign outside the house says, "Dachshund Lovers Parking Only."

18. You have to look before you take a step.

19. All squeak toys no long have squeaking ability.

20. The doors to many rooms must remain closed.

21. The owner's bed never remains made.

22. Rugs and furniture are all dark colors.

23. The cat litter box magically cleans itself.

24. You will find dogs instead of clothes in the laundry basket.

25. When you arrive, you find the living room covered with chewed up tampons, toilet paper rolls, Kleenex, etc?

26. All snow is shoveled from the yard to protect the "Ta-Ta's" of male Dachshunds

27. You notice small fox holes in the yard.

28. You are kindly told not to eat the green beans and carrots because they are for the dogs.

29. Toy boxes are bone shaped.

30. All waste baskets and trash cans are elevated at least 3 ft. from the ground.

31. There is a Bissell Green Machine always within reach.

32. A cupboard is full of tiny clothes that were purchased before the owner realized that Dachshunds would rather remain nudists.

33. Company doesn't come around much anymore.

34. The owner talks a lot about getting a super king-sized bed.

35. The living room looks like it's covered with snow due to the batting which came out of de-stuffed toys.

36. Blankets cover each piece of furniture for better burrowing purposes.

37. The owner had no food yet his Dachshund has plenty of premium dog food.

38. The mailman is warned, "Watch out our he'll bite a hole in your sock."

39. The mailman passes a brightly colored card to other mailmen saying, "A dangerous animal lives inside. Do not use mail slot."

40. Bricks are placed inside trash cans so they don't get tipped over.

41. The Dachshund gets kisses before the owner's significant other.

42. The owner runs around looking for a "sitter" if they're going to be gone for more than a few hours.

43. It is too dangerous to walk around the house without shoes because of partly chewed up Nyla-Bones.

44. Little blue pee-pads are placed by the back door.

45. You notice that The Dachshund's receive more Christmas presents than human kids.

46. All the owner's computer "favorites" are Dachshund relate.

47. The grass is mowed very very very short. 48.

There is always plenty of toilet paper to pick up poops.

49. The owner's bed is covered with no less than 4 gutted toys, 3 balls, and 2 nyla-bones.

50. You are immediately told not to sit in the dog's chair.

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realised that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever country's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing country would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after 5 years came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the dachshund came out of his cage and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of his cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.

"Really", the Americans replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Christmas Gift Wrapping with a Dachshund Puppy!

1. Gather presents, boxes and paper in middle of living room floor.

2. Get tape back from dachshund.

3. Open box.

4. Take dachshund out of box.

5. Take scissors from dachshund.

6. Put present in box.

7. Remove present from dachshund's mouth.

8. Put back in box after removing dachshund from box.

9. Take scissors away and sit on them.

10. Remove dachshund from box and put lid on it.

11. Unroll paper.

12. Take dachshund off box.

13. Wrap paper around box.

14. Remove dachshund from box and take wrapping paper from her mouth.

15. Fend off dachshund trying to steal tape and tape one spot.

16. Take box from dachshund.

17. Remove dachshund from present and hurriedly slap on tape.

8. Take soggy bow from dachshund and tape on since sticky stuff ruined.

19. Grab present before dachshund opens it and put away.

20. Take 2 aspirin, sit down in chair, dachshund will fall asleep on your lap.

A blind man with his seeing eye Doxie walks into a bar and orders a drink. "On the house!" says the bartender as he poured the drink. When the blind man left the bar to go home, he was greeted by a friend who was walking his tiny Dachshund." "Go into that bar with your Doxie and tell them you're blind. They'll give you a free drink, " said the blind man. His friend entered the bar with his Doxie and ordered a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that Doxie in here!" "But I'm blind and this is my seeing eye Doxie!" said the man. The bartender exclaimed, "Don't give me that crap. A Dachshund isn't a seeing eye Doxie!" The man said, "OH MY GOD, they gave me a Dachshund?"

Life's lessons from a dachshund

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss

10 Reasons you should have a dachshund

1. He is an ideal companion as a pet. He will follow you, love you, and amuse you all day every day

(You are graciously allowed to share your bed & board with him. You will trip on him, and watch him laugh at your clumsiness.)

2. He is a born sportsman.

(He will turn his nose to anything above ground, while below ground, he will, given his chance, hold his own with the best. Dachshunds were originally bred to dig badgers out of holes. He will chase all pet cats, birds, & dogs from his exclusive territory (which is as far as the eye can see). He will also roto-till your fresh-laid lawn and new flower beds.)

3. He is a born gentleman.

(His aloof dignity is above canine skylarking and petty yelping. What they don't want to see and don't want to hear does not exist.)

4. He is courageous to a remarkable degree and will stand up for his rights against any foe.

(From behind a fence there is none braver.)

5. He is odorless, always clean and easily housebroken.

(You'd be odorless too from the daily baths needed made necessary because of finding "neat" things to roll in. House - broken is more like it. (Know a good handyman?))

6. He comes in several sizes, colors and coats to suit your special taste. The tiny miniatures also come in all three coats and colors; smooth, longhaired and wirehaired, and from a beautiful shiny black and tan to a rich Irish Setter red. There is no other breed which offers such a selection.

(They are like peanuts, you can't stop with just one, and there is always a new variety or color or size to drool over.)

7. He has a well founded reputation for being rugged and strong. Equally at home in either cold or warm climates.

(If it is cold, they are in your bed or in their sweater. If hot, they grab the seat in front of the air conditioner and drink out of your ice tea glass. )

8. He asks only that he be with you whether you live in a mansion or the most humble abode. He is at your side day and night and he will warn you if any strangers are lurking about.

(He is willing to share all you have, if you eat dog food, he'll eat dog food. If you have steak, he gets steak ! You couldn't get rid of him if you wanted, and anybody stranger than you SHOULD get barked at.)

9. He is most affectionate, and delights in riding in your car or sleeping close to you (if you will let him) at night, but he is content with his own bed and a simple cover that he can pull over his head, with just a shiny black nose to show his presence. Just to be near you and show his love for you is all he asks.

(He is not stupid enough to let a good sucker out of his sight. People are such pushovers for the old "I love you, I love you" routine.)

10. He is a wonderful companion for your children, and will take a lot of rough play and enter into the spirit of fun, for he is a born comedian. You can trust a Dachshund for they have never been known to betray a confidence.

(They love kids, the younger the better, children can be blamed for so much that the "sweet li'l puppy wuppy" couldn't possibly have done (they don't realize how tall a fully stretched Dachshund can reach).A Dachshund will never write a tell-all unauthorized biography, but don't leave your pot roast within reach.)

ONCE YOU HAVE OWNED ONE, YOU WILL NEVER BE WITHOUT ONE !!!!! ONCE YOU HAVE BEEN OWNED BY ONE, THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU.

Original author unknown, plus rebuttals by Mary Pyle

Dachshund Property Laws.

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

Dachshund Definition Half a dog high by a dog and a half long

A man walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Bristol City shirt, bobble hat and scarf. The barman says, "Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The man begs, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game." After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the barman relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. City attack from the kick off and their first goal attempt is cleared off the line for a corner. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five. The barman says, "Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a goal?" "I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? He wanted to get a long little doggie

The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tail of the dachshund. "What's the big idea?" he inquired. "That," the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make me remember an errand." The fox terrier wagged his stump of a tail thoughtfully. "That," he remarked at last, "must be the reason I am so forgetful."

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his Dachshund, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his Dachshund down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his Dachshund, regrettable, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the Dachshund's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the Dachshund's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your Dachshund is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his Dachshund is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your Dachshund is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. "$650 to tell me my Dachshund is dead?" exclaimed the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the Cat scan and Lab tests."

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his German Shephard. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his Collie could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his Chocolate Lab could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his Dachshund and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, had his way with the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

How Dachshunds are better than Men:

1. Doxies do not have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Doxies miss you when you're gone.

3. Doxies feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

4. Doxies admit when they're jealous.

5. Doxies are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Doxies do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a Doxie.

8. Doxies are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from Doxies is fleas.

10. Doxies understand what "no" means.

11. Doxies mean it when they kiss you.

How Dachshunds are better than Women:

1. A Doxie does not shop.

2. The later you are, the happier a Doxie is to see you.

3. A Doxie never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

4. A Doxie does not get mad at you if you pet another Doxie.

5. A Doxie does not care about the previous Doxies in your life.

6. A Doxie will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

7. A Doxie never expects you to telephone.

8. A Doxie limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

9. A Doxie loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

10. A Doxie's parents will never visit you.

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign on the door that read "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOXIE!" Inside he noticed a harmless old Dachshund asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is *that* the Doxie folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," the manager replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous Doxie to me," he said. "Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the manager replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle ?

Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher !

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