Alky (Dave Parkhill), one of my dearest and most cherished friends, is unacceptable. I call him "the most unacceptable goon in existence". This is a phrase borrowed from The Utterly Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. & Stiggs, a truly brilliant short story which appeared in National Lampoon Magazine in October 1982. I also have rather long-winded nicknames for some of my other friends; "Gord, who has the personality of a dog, and is, therefore, an indispensable element in my life" (also from O.C. & Stiggs),and "Len Feldman, silly Jewish keyboard player". Len (Liquid) has rebutted with "Dan, my imaginary friend, who, unfortunately, is real".

Anyway, I have digressed somewhat. Over the years, Alky & I have done some mildly annoying things to each other. Suffice it to say that we had lost our sense of commitment to the spirit of this activity until, in his homepage, he asked people to send me abusive e-mail. Well, Alky, being such a pitiful, universally inferior lifeform, didn't manage to drum up even one instance of e-abuse directed towards me. You see, Alky didn't even include a link, just my address. WHAT AN HTM-L7!!! Undaunted by his outstanding failure (after all, it's the thought that he'd try to e-maim me that counts, not the fact that he fell flat on his face), I decided to move ahead by exactly one step. I created a "mailto" (some of you web types will know what that is) and he received a mere modicum of vilification.

Now, about four years later, even though he's not managed any manner of escallation , I'm kickin' it up another knotch.

Please! I'm beggin' ya! You've already come this far! In just a few more moments, you'll scroll down to a multiple-choice form which will allow you to heap all manner of abuse upon Alky. I know that some of you may not know him, but that doesn't even matter: I know him, and I'm tellin' ya it's all true. He deserves this. Society needs for this to happen.

Your joining in "Dan's Crusade Against Alky" will allow me to escalate this little spar to yet another plateau. I'm sure there are worse things I could do to him, but until I can afford a better lawyer, this'll have to do.

E-ABUSE GENERATOR

Are you a friend of Alky's? Even if you're not, wouldn't it be fun to to send him an abusive email? Well, now it's even easier than ever, with the new & improved, high-tech, easy-to-use, low fat, teflon coated "E-ABUSE GENERATOR"! Just fill in a few words, and watch the magic happen!