Pigeon Loft F.A.Q
Welcome to the new improved and shiny Frequently Asked Questions page, the depository of all knowledge relating to The Pigeon Loft.
If your particular question isn't covered here (and let's be honest, the odds were always going to be against it) then why not Ask Salter A Question and see if I can ever be bothered to get round to putting it up here and maybe even answering it!
You really can't say any fairer than that can you? I spoil you sometimes, I really really do, it's not good for you.
How long have you been peddling this monkey shit for?
This innovative website first appeared in May 2001 under it's original name The Pylon Cafe which ran all the way up until July 2004 when it was revamped as the instantly forgettable Salter's Travelling Pigeon Loft. It's still the same old site though - in much the same way that Cat's Eyes was very similiar to The Gentle Touch only with more birds in it.

Why did it used to be called The Pylon Cafe?
This goes back to my youthful days in the early nineties when me and my hideously mutated friends would regularly walk through the meadows whilst out of our tiny minds on Acid. The walk through the meadows was often a very long one and I would often comment with the most amazing spontaneous wit and zest that I was going to turn one of the Pylons at the halfway point in the meadows into a Cafe, so everyone could sit down for a bit and have a cup of tea and a sandwich. From then on, this particular Pylon was christened 'Danny's Pylon Cafe'. And then it was forgotten about whilst everybody grew up and got jobs and things. Years later, when I decided to infect the internet with my drunken ramblings, I was stuck for photographic material because my scanner wasn't working yet. Reasoning that photographs of Pylons were probably quite easy to obtain over the internet, I cast my mind back to those heady days of sunshine and pissing in the bushes, and decided to name the site The Pylon Cafe. It was meant to imbibe a warm feeling of sitting down and having an online cup of tea. In the meadows. The site never really had that much to do with actual pylons really. Pylons weren't really in it. In that sense, it was on the same sophisticated level as Taggart and the later seasons of Blake's 7.

Why did the name of the site change?
For about two years I held the rights to the Pylon Cafe domain name which really just meant that the site could be reached via the dead-easy address of pyloncafe.co.uk.
When the rights came up for renewal in July 2004, I really couldn't justify spending £15 just to keep the domain name going. I mean, I was starving and homeless at the time, what little money I could earn from prostitution went on things like cheap dog food just to keep me alive.
This meant that the website address would change, so I decided it would be a perfect time to revamp and rename the whole site.
I was also getting fed up of answering silly questions along the lines of  "Is it really about pylons?"
I think the new name Salter's Travelling Pigeon Loft sums up the content of the site a lot better - a collection of Salter's drunken ramblings. In, er, a travelling Pigeon Loft.

What's this website about then? What's it for? What's it do?
It's about Gods and Heroes and places of worship. It's about Rotherham and Nik Kershaw and Doctor Who and Jetset Willy. It's about Konnie Huq out of Blue Peter. It's about Danny having far too much time on his hands and pissing away any potential he may have once had. It's about tearful regret and wretched sobbing.
Perhaps it was best summed up by the Webmaster of a Professional Website Review company who described it as being "Dull, unoriginal and totally, totally pointless."
He was a bit of a wanker though.

How often is the site updated?
Whenever the Rings of Saturn are perfectly aligned with the Crow's nest on top of the Magic Faraway Tree.
Do you remember The Faraway Tree books? They were ace, weren't they? I remember Moon Face and erm.......all the other memorable characters. A superior slice of Blyton, that's what those books were. Mr Pink Whistle was OK too, but a little bit gay.
Sorry, what was the question again? Oh yes, updates. Whenever Danny can be bothered. Or whenever he's skint and can't afford to go down the pub and there's nothing on the telly.

Is it true that this website is in fact a smokescreen for Salter's secret dealings with the Black Magick Society, and that if you read the pages in a certain way, you can work out the details of their next meeting and which spells are going to be cast?
No.

Oh. Well, what about the theory that if you surf the Cafe in a certain way whilst watching The Wizard Of Oz then you witness mind-boggling acts of synchronicity and deeper understanding?
No, no, no, you're confusing this website with an album by Pink Floyd. If you watch The Wizard Of Oz whilst trying to surf The Pigeon Loft then you're not giving me your full attention and you don't even deserve to be on the internet. Anyway, it's a kids film, grow up.

Is everybody welcome to participate in The Pigeon Loft Forum?
Yes. Well, no. The Irish aren't welcome obviously but we're pretty safe there, not many of them know how to use a computer and the ones that do are too busy trying to blow each other up.
Apart from that, everyone is welcome except people who are just trying to be clever twats. Mind you, even clever twats are welcome sometimes, they brighten the place up a bit.

Do you ever censor anything in The Forum? Is it possible to get banned?
It's extremely rare that I ever have to go as far as editing or deleting a message, mainly because I just can't be bothered most of the time. I don't like it when people pretend to be someone else though, that does get on my tits a bit. I can always tell who people are because as the host of the Forum, I can see the I.P address of everybody, next to every message they post. And I will delete imposters because it just causes confusion.
As for getting banned, you have to be a proper proper twat to make me go as far as ban you. But it has happened a couple of times.

Why isn't swearing allowed in The Forum? Down with this censorship!
I agree, it's rubbish that you can't swear in the Forum but it's nowt to do with me. You used to be able to but Bravenet changed the rules and now you're only allowed to swear if you give them lots of money to upgrade to the professional version of the Forum. Soz, but I'm not paying them money just so you lot can use toilet language without getting censored.
Anyway, it's dead easy to get round it, just put a space somewhere in the word. So instead of typing 'cock-sucking squirrel-fucking wanker', you type in 'c ock-sucking squirrel-f ucking w anker' which has more or less the same effect.

I've got a great picture I want to share with the world, can I put it in The Photo Gallery?
Yes, just click on the upload button in The Photo Gallery section. It won't happen straight away, it has to be approved by me first but if you've done it right, it should appear fairly soon. However, the size of the picture can't be absolutely fucking huge because it won't work. Some of you have been trying to upload pictures that are the size of a small country and then whinging that it doesn't work. If you don't know how to reduce the size of your pictures then just send them to me here instead and I'll sort it my bleedin' self.

I successfully uploaded a picture to The Photo Gallery ages ago and it still isn't on display yet. Why?
Probably because it was utter rubbish.

Legend tells of a mystery secret page hidden away somewhere in The Pigeon Loft that only the elite are privileged to gaze upon. Is this true?
Yes, but it is a secret page and only the elite are privileged to gaze upon it. Actually, I think there are two secret pages but the second one is so secret that even I don't know where it is anymore.

Awww, tell me where it is, my mate Baz says it's got porn on it.
Your mate Baz is a wanker and is also wrong. The Secret Page has NOT got porn on it, it has Celebrity Indiscretions on it, and there is a difference. A Celebrity Indiscretion is when Debbie Harry falls down drunk and you can see her pants. Porn is when a woman old enough to be your Grandmother sucks two cocks whilst simultaneously being taken from behind and pissing into someone's face. See?

Are you gonna tell us where it is then?
No. However, the screen is based on Deserted Isle which was a secret screen in Jetset Willy. So you need to be having a good look round for Willy's secret island but hush my mouth, I've said too much already.

What's this obsession with Jetset Willy? Why don't you promote proper games for the Playstation 2 and the Xbox, they rule!
Oh, do piss off. I can remember glorious days when your average computer game was written by a single programmer in his bedroom, and everything in that game came from one brilliant warped mind. Nowadays, it's all marketing men in suits who come up with all the ideas for games, and they're all SHIT. Every new game has got be exactly the same as the last chart-topper, only original. So these guys obviously don't understand the terms 'oxymoron' or 'paradox'.
Go and get yourself a ZX Spectrum Emulator and see how brilliant some of those games were. Admittedly, 80% of them have dated rather badly, but then you can always upgrade to a Commodore 64 emulator later on. And then you can get MAME32 which is just the best thing since sliced bread, it emulates every arcade game ever made brilliantly. Check out The Pigeon Loft's Rough Guide To Home Computing And The Arcades which took me ages.

What's the best way to get rid of Thrush?
First of all, prevention is better than cure, so avoid wearing tights as these aggravate the conditions in which Thrush thrives upon.
If you do happen to get Thrush, go down to your local supermarket and buy a big tub of natural yoghurt and shove it all into the infected area. (Don't do this in the Supermarket, wait until you get home).
Little tip, though: Don't think for one moment that it might be a good idea to get your boyfriend to shove it up there for you with his fingers. During this process, you will both get horny and inevitably start having sex. He will end up getting his dirty sticky sperm all over you and the whole thing will have been a complete waste of time and money.

Whatever happened to the mythical Curse Of The Pylon Master PC Game?
Ah, now this was going to be fucking brilliant. A text and graphics adventure where The Pylon Master had lost his sanity and planned to take over the Earth by turning the Pylons against humanity and into weapons of evil. You played the hero who had until midnight to stop this fiendish plan and infiltrate the Lair of The Pylon Master. Along the way, you had to bomb Ireland but I can't really remember why.
It was going to look fabulous with fancy photo graphics and devious gameplay but sadly the software that I was using to create this unfinished masterpiece started playing up, and only the first few screens were ever completed. These were all set in Rotherham, and you had to use your cunning wit to sneak onto a bus for free and get the hell out of Rotherham before the sky fell on it.
Never to be finished sadly, you'll just have to imagine how brilliant it was going to be instead.

Why don't you set up a F.A.Q page?
Hmmm, I dunno, how much effort would that take? I'm a very busy man you know, and it's a good night on telly tonight.
Updated:05/03/2005
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