Chapter Two
The Pylon Wars!
"It was round about that time that the Germans started sniffing around," recalls Alistair Gordon Pylong, taking a good sniff at a bottle of poppers.
"They'd been after our electricity for a good few years now. They were jealous of our televison programmes and cheese sandwich toasters. Apparently, Hitler had worked out a synopsis for a sitcom about this Nazi guy and this Jew forced to live in a Vegetarian Restaurant together with hilarious results. They were going to call it  'Under Quorn Moon' or 'Not Without My Gasmask' or something like that. But we refused to give them any of our Pylons. Well, we offered them some of the upside-down ones, but they flatly refused our offer and declared War instead."

Germany's first strategic attack was on Poland,  purely because Britain had offered Poland a couple of free Pylons on a trial basis, to see if they could produce any pornography to export back to the sex-starved Brits. "That was a bad idea," recalls Alistair. "Us Brits were crap at making porn. All we could make were rubbishy seaside films like 'That's My Bum!' and the like, so we offered the Polish a chance to see what they could do. Total waste of time. They just sent us back reels and reels of tape of ugly women pissing in buckets."

By now, however, The Pylon War was in full swing. Casualties were high, and the situation was grim. Captain Manbeard of the Royal Navy believes that the Germans were doomed from the start, however. "I'm not kidding, they did not have a fucking clue," confirms Manbeard today."Their first plan was to send a hundred rowing boats to Cornwall, steal the Pylons and row back to Germany. When that plan inevitably failed, they moved up a gear and sent a crack troop of German Agents to infiltate the National Grid, fill their suitcases with as much electricity as they could carry, and smuggle it back to Germany. They were hopeless."

The long War took a further twist when the Irish decided to get involved, but were unsure which side to take or what to do. "We eventually got them on our side," reveals Manbeard, "and decided to form  Boy Bands with them to entertain the troops with their soulful cover versions."
There was mass confusion one night, however, when thousands of Gay Irish Entertainers were sent to a top secret British Naval base to put on a show, only to find the base deserted. The situation was further compounded when a big heavy German bomb dropped on them. "We may never know who tipped off the Germans that night," says Manbeard today, eating a pickled onion on a stick.

The War eventually came to an emotional climax, with the two sides reaching a truce. The Germans eventually accepted the upside down Pylons and made do with them.

The Pylon Wars were over, and electricity-loving folk could look forward to a future of kettles, deep fat fryers and fully authentic Vaginas with unique sucking motion.