The analysis . . .

Apolo’s appearance on QVC was horrible, awkward, bizarre, and totally kitsch. I loved it!

Some people said he looked tired or bored. Maybe. But, you have to think that was a really bizarre circumstance. There were no cut-aways, everything is live, people moving all over the place, moving props off camera, some model walking on and off every 5 minutes in a new outfit, and for God’s sake he was whoring himself to sell these products for the Olympic team. It had to be highly distracting for someone new to that environment. I thought he handled it really well.

I loved all those people calling him up. He was so sweet like he really wanted to communicate, answer questions, and accept compliments. Albeit, I got the feeling he was a bit surprised/off put that most of the callers were older people. I think he was expecting more young girls to call in and gush. Anytime a younger female voice came on, he sat up a little and was like “Hiiiiii . . .” – just a little soft, a little flirty. Anyone who thinks he doesn’t like all the adoring attention of girls and young women he’s getting right now is crazy. I’d love it if guys were suddenly going crazy for me. Sure keep ‘em at arms length for safety, but enjoy it all the same.

Now, the host, he was a total mu’dorkmus. But, I rack that up to the fact it was QVC. I mean, c’mon. That’s what they do and how they are.

What was the host’s name? Dan? He really kept harping on the Pizza Hut story, which we all know leads to the “fat” story. Related to that, do you remember on that first Dateline segment on Apolo when Stone Philips asks him about the time when he was the fattest on the team? They cut back to Apolo who has this sour look, like he just tasted some bad anchovies. I figured his internal monologue was something like, “Fuck off, jackass! I wasn’t fat!”  But, he manages a smile and just goes along. It was just the same on QVC. I feel bad for him on that bit of business. I know people are grabbing for something to talk to him about, but let the “chunky” thing go. Please. I guess I feel that way since I can relate. I had a bit of the chub when I was younger, too. But no matter how you grew out of it, how fit you are now, people never seem to want you to forget. Bastards.

The alternate ending . . .

Okay, now here is some true sauce. This is how the show would have gone down were it a Velma-like world . . .

Dan, the host: “Okay, Apolo, looks like we have another caller. Hi Velma! You have anything you want to say to Apolo?”

Velma: “Hey Apolo.” [sexy come on voice]

Apolo: “Hiiiiiiii . . .”

Velma: “You’re looking really good today.”

Apolo: [big grin and giggle] “Thanks, Velma.”

Dan: [pausing]

Velma: [conceding] “Uh, yeah, you too, Dan.” [whatever]

Dan: “Well, Velma, did you purchase any items from today’s show?”

Velma: “Actually, I wanted to offer Apolo a $50k donation to the Olympic team in exchange for the shirt he is currently wearing.”

Dan: “We-he-he-helll, Velma. Heh. Heh. I don’t thin . . .”

Apolo: “Okay.” [starts to take his shirt off]

Dan: “Wow! Now that’s dedication to your sport and your country!”

Velma: “Thanks, sweetness.”

Apolo: “No problem, baby.” [shirtless] *purr*

Dan: “Wow, Apolo I guess it’s good you stopped eating pizza, otherwise you probably would have kept that shirt on.”

Apolo: [anchovy face]

Velma: “Apolo?”

Apolo: “Yeah, babe?”

Velma: “I’ll give you $100k if you’ll beat the living shit out of Dan.”

Apolo: “Lover, I’ll do it for free.”

[Then bam! Apolo gives Dan a swift upper cut with his right, then knocks him out of his seat with a kick of his left heel to the chin. Dan is out and on the ground.]

Velma: “I love you, Apolo.”

Apolo: “I love you too, baby. All right, let’s get back to this autographed picture of me for $129.99 . . .”

Velma: “Apolo?”

Apolo: “Yeaaaah?”

Velma: “How about the pants?”

Woo! It’s a Velma-shaped world!

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