Our sexy friend, Ashton, met the ever affable Apolo Anton Ohno in a tunnel under Safeco Field on July 28, 2002 - the day Apolo threw out the first pitch at the Seattle Mariner’s baseball game. After much cajoling on our part, the reticent Ashton has kindly decided to reveal his story and all the yummy details to Dark Blades.


Apolo Considered For Role In 
“Steel Magnolias” Sequel
an interview with Ashton
8.16.02

DB:  Now, no one knows you, and we will keep it that way.  However, we need you to set the story.  Where do you work?  What do you do?  How did this play into your encounter with the Emperor AO? 
Ashton:  I work as a Food and Beverage Manager at Safeco Field.  One of the concession stands I was supervising had a piece of equipment that had a broken part.  I made the descent into the bowels of the building to the field level service tunnel to search for replacement parts in our storeroom.  Apolo was there to throw out the game’s first pitch. He was waiting near the field access way when I met our dark young cynosure.   

DB:  When you woke up Sunday morning, did you have any sense that something special was about to take place? 
Ashton:  I must admit that I felt a special sensation in my loins when I woke that morning.  At first I thought it had something to do with the naked man sleeping next to me. Little did I know that it was the fabled PRE-APOLO TINGLE! . . . Or maybe it was just gas. I have since heard that Scott Hamilton, Brian Boitano, Tom Brokaw, and even President Bush all reported similar experiences the mornings of their first AO encounters. 

DB:  So, we heard you shook Apolo’s hand.  How did this transpire?  Whose hand was extended first?
Ashton:  As I walked past, Apolo stopped me by extending his hand and introducing himself.  I was wearing a radio with shoulder microphone and the Safeco Field logo on my shirt so he must have thought I was someone very important. Also, I did look particularly cute that morning. 

DB:  What kind of handshake does he have?  Did your hand wither in his grip?
Ashton:  His grip has the strength you would expect of an athlete, yet is as gentle as a diplomat.  I would also like to add that his palms were as soft as buttermilk.  I really don’t remember any withering, but I did feel that tingle again.

DB:  Does he have hair on his hand?  If so, how much?  For instance, would you compare him to say, Robin Williams, the hairiest man in comedy, or perhaps a Roma tomato? 
Ashton:  I didn’t notice any hair so I would probably have to go with the tomato.

DB:  So, your encounter took place in a tunnel.  Was there any kind of bright light surrounding Apolo?  Did angels appear?  Would it be wrong for our minds to list toward any phallic metaphors?
Ashton:  I think a mind should often list toward phallic metaphors, however, the main tunnel is very bright, has a steady curve and is very unsexy. So I can’t think of any metaphors that apply here.  Apolo was standing in the access way to the field which has no lights of its own, only the sunlight from the field or the spillover from the tunnel.  He did appear to have his own beam of light on his face that I could not explain for certain.  Although I did not see any angels myself, they could have been above him with some sort of heavenly flashlight. 

DB:  Did he smell good?  Did you?
Ashton:  If I am not mistaken, we were both wearing the fragrance MEN by Aveda.  Yum!  One of us also had the faint sent of hotdogs and popcorn; it could have been me. 

DB:  Would you say his lips were:

1. splashed with the morning dew

2. the color of MAC lipstick #2831

3. in need of collagen

4. like Mary Poppins ~ practically perfect in every way

Ashton:  I think they were ~  e.  so sexy that you wanted to kiss them, despite the nasty little cold sore that was forming in the left corner.

DB:  We heard the word “hypnotic” was bantered about to describe his eyes.  Please elaborate.
Ashton:  His pupils were very large due to the darkness of the passageway.  They were so animated that with every word he spoke, the eyes seemed to tell a whole story.  My eyes couldn’t help but want to stare deeper and deeper into his as though there were some sort of tractor beam trying to pull me inside of him. 

DB:  Were any words exchanged?  Can you provide a deep recall transcript of the conversation? 
Ashton:  Our repartee was very short.  He said, “Hello, I am Apolo.”  I said, “I am Ashton and am honored to meet you.”  He said, “Thank you.  I am very pleased to meet you.  You have a beautiful stadium and should be very proud.”  I said, “Thank you.  If I may be of any service to you, just have your escort [stadium security] contact me on channel 12.”  He said, “Thank you, you are too kind.”