Hgeocities.com/davemhoward/jokes.htmlgeocities.com/davemhoward/jokes.htmldelayedxbJswOKtext/htmlBb.HSun, 10 Oct 2004 22:02:09 GMT7Mozilla/4.5 (compatible; HTTrack 3.0x; Windows 98)en, *bJ Horse Racing Jokes and Puns

Horse racing Jokes

If you know any great racing jokes sent them to me at jokes@ukjockey.com and I will publish them on this page and you might even get a mention!!


An inflatable jockey was riding an inflatable horse for an inflatable trainer and an inflatable owner, for the first time over the jumps. Leading easily after the last he pulls up too early and two horse go past him. After the race the jockey was so mad he stuck a pin in the horse, then he stuck a pin in the trainer and then the owner. He was called in front of the Stewards where he stuck a pin in himself. The Stewards said to him, 'not only did you let the horse, the trainer and the owner down, you have let yourself down.' - Tony Wray


David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears incomplete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck. David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse! - David Proudoot


Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, the jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly hes hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he goes over the last fence. With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, hes struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. thus distracted, he succeeds in coming only second. He immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously hampered. - Jacqueline Deininger


A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' 'No thanks says the jockey I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!' - Stephen Howard (my brother!)


Lester Piggot is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horses trainer. The trainer tells Lester that this is the worst horse he has in training, it has had 23 races and finished last in all of them, if it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning. Lester mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and Lester is 30 lengths last after half a furlong, he gives the horse an almighty backhander on the behind, nothing, he then gives him a series of sharp slaps down the shoulder, nothing, he then gives him two wallops right on the bollocks, the horse comes to a sudden stop, turns round to Lester and says "for christ sake will you turn it in with that whip I have to be up at half four in the morning to deliver the milk"! - Patrick McCarten


A jockey went into the padock and the trainer said to him 'You need to win this race because my wife has had a pony on and i have had a monkey on the horse'. The jockey replied 'how am going to fit on then?'.- Claire Kimberley


A London Cab driver picked up a well-to do oriental buisnessman from Heathrow Airport. On the trip into London he told the driver he had flown over from Singapore to back one of the horses he owned in a race at Newbury. His trainer told him that this was the big one and he was positive the horse would win at a big price.Being an obssesive gambler the cabbie couldn't wait from him to tell him the name of the horse.After he paid the fare he slipped him a note with the horses name :
/.>`#<,``` - Robert Locke


A man was walking down the road leading a horse and saw his mate. His mate said to him what are you going to do with that, the 1st man replied 'race it' the 2nd man then said well by the looks of it you will win!.- Sarah Peacock


How do you spell 'Hungry Horse' in four letters?
M T G G (Empty Gee-Gee).


Why should you never be rude to a jump jockey? In case he takes offence(a fence).


A leading trainer was given an eye test and was presented with a new pair of glasses. The optician said they would cost 200. "Too much!" cried the trainer. "They're bi-focal" said the optician. "I don't care if they're by Phar Lap. It's too much."


The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a polo". He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me".


A horse was looking over a fence watching a game of cricket. "Any chance of a game?" he asked the captain. At first the captain was taken aback by the talking horse, but when it insisted it was keen to play the skipper thought it might be a bit of a laugh if he sent the horse out as opening bat. The horse shaped up to the first ball and slammed it over the boundary for six. He did the same with the second and third, indeed every ball he hit for six until the over ended. He had been partnered by the captain, and when the bowler ran in from the other end and the captain managed his first hit for a meagre single he called for the horse to run. But the horse just stood there. Frantic calls by the captain to run were ignored and in the confusion the skipper was stumped out. "Why didn't you run?" roared the captain. "Listen mate," said the horse, "if I could run I would be at the racetrack today, not messing around with this cricket game.


Two disgruntled evidently losing punters had been consoling themselves in the bar at Kempton, and after the meeting were walking it off on the course." I don't know what these bloody jockeys get paid for," said the first punter, scowling at the nearest fence," Any bugger could jump these things, I could do it without a horse." "Go on then," Said his friend, peering owlishly through the gloom. "Jump that one." The first punter took of his race glasses, took a run at the first fence and cleared it with a foot to spare..........and........landed in the water.


A jockey in the unsaddling area of Huntingdon when his horse had trailed in at the back of the field says: "That's not his trip, guv'nor, i think he'd get three miles." The trainer replied: "Three miles, he wouldn't get three miles in a ****ing horse box."


An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, Pull, Nellie, pull. Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, Come on, pull Ranger. Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, Now pull, Fred, pull hard. Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, Okay, Benny, pull. Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try.


The tipster said this horse would walk in. It did, but all the others galloped.


I bet on a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.


The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.


That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!


My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.


I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the Tote window betting on another horse in the same race...


A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, "Preacher's Ass shows" The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, "Preacher's Ass out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass" This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the Best Ass in Town" The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks" They buried the Bishop the next day.


Mounting a horse is actually very easy if it is done properly. A rider can only mount a horse from one side because a horse only likes to be mounted from one side. The left side is right and the right side is wrong. You're right to be left and wrong to be right. If you mount from the front, you mount from the right, which is then the left because your right is its left, and the left the right, keeping in mind that the left is right and the right is wrong. Put your left to your right and step so your right is to the wrong and now your right is opposite its left and left the right. To right right is to the left and to right is wrong is to the right, but backwards, the right is right and the left is wrong only when your right is on its wrong, and the left is on its right. Switching right to left and left to right is wrong. Right is wrong and left is right only from the front or else the left is right and the right is wrong.


Did you hear about the horse that got a job in a watch factory? All he did was stand around making faces.


A man's car stalls on a country road. When he gets out to fix it, a horse in the nearby field comes up along side the fence and leans over by him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburettor," says the horse. Startled, the man jumps back and runs down the road until he meets a farmer. He tells the farmer his story. "Was it a large white horse with a black mark over the right eye?" asks the farmer. "Yes, Yes," the man replies. "Oh, I wouldn't listen to her," says the farmer, "she doesn't know anything about cars."


A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine". The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me. It's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf - he' blind!!!".


This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become ... a real night mare.


What's the difference between praying in church and at the track? At the track you really mean it!


Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and paid a whopping price. The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner. "Is this horse unsound?" they asked. "Not a bit," said the owner. "In that case," asked the stewards, "why have you never raced him before?" "Mister," said the man from Idaho, "we couldn't even catch the critter until he was five years old."


A woman went to a psychiatrist and said she was in great distress over her husband. "He thinks he's a horse. He sleeps standing up and he neighs instead of speaking. He even insists on being fed oats in a bag." said the woman "It's terrible!", "How long has then be going on?" as the doctor. "Six, maybe eight months." she replied. "You have let things go too far," said the doctor. "Your husband will require a great deal of treatment and it will be very expensive." "I don't care about the expense," said the wife. "I will pay you anything -- anything at all to make my husband stop thinking he's a horse." "But it will cost many thousands of dollars, can you afford this amount of money?" asked the doctor. "Why of course we can," said the woman. "He's already won three races this season at Aqueduct."


A man wakes up in the morning and it is 5:55 a.m. The temperature is 55 degrees and the humidity is 55%. He turns on his TV to channel 5. He gets up and it is May 5th. He heads to work and his car has 55,555.5 miles on the odometer. He gets to work goes to the 5th floor. He has five messages. IT DAWNS ON HIM. He rushes to the race track. His ticket is $5 and he is put in section 5, row 5, seat 5. In the fifth race is a horse called, "Double Nickels". He understands fate as spoken. He bets his entire bank account and maxes all credit cards. The race is won... DOUBLE NICKELS CAME IN FIFTH.


The chronic horse player paused before taking his place at the betting windows, and offered up a fervent prayer to his Maker. "Blessed Lord," he muttered with intense sincerity, "I know you don't approve of my gambling, but this once, Lord, just this once, please let me break even. I need the money so badly."


A horse walked up to the racetrack betting window and plopped his money down. "I want to bet fifty pounds on myself to win the fifth race," said the horse. "I don't believe it!" said the astonished clerk. "You don't believe what?", said the horse, "That I can talk?" "No", replied the clerk, "You don't stand a chance of winning the fifth race.


What is one of the hardest times to win a horse race? 12:31, because it is 29 to 1.


A young boy told his mother that his father had taken him to the zoo. The mother couldn't believe it. She said, "Your father has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life." The boy said, "He did, and one of the animals paid fifty dollars!"


Did you hear about the guy who went to the races and while there he observed a Roman Catholic priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water. The horse went on to win the race, streaking ahead of the opposition. Before the next race he saw the priest go over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water. Like the first horse it went on to win its race. The guy said to himself that if the priest sprinkles another horse with holy water I am going to bet every penny I have on that horse. Sure enough, the priest went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water. So the guy went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse. Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with holy water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race. The guy was devastated. So he went over to the priest and said, "What's going on here? The last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to win their races, and this last one you sprinkled dropped dead after only 100 yards. I had put every penny I had on it's nose!" The priest replied, "You're not Roman Catholic, are you?" The guy admitted that he was not and asked, "But, how do you know that?" The priest said, "Because you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and administering the last rights."


Horse Terms:
Auction: A popular social gathering where you can change your horse from a liability into an asset.

Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse-show food stands.

Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.


Endurance ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.

Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.

Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse something to chew on.

Grooming: Fine art of removing dirt from your horse's body and applying it to your own.

Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.

Lungeing: Popular training method in which a horse exercises his owner by spinning him in circles until dizzy.


Horse behaviour:
CHEWING: Hey, it's YOUR stall so go ahead and do what you want to make it more "homey". Chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item ... leave your own mark!

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two year old, right?).

DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.

FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.

GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human.

HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."

NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!

SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern.


The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in workouts. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"


This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked all satisfied, apologises, and goes off do work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What in the world was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse called."

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