I'll Never Tell

<BGSOUND src="//www.oocities.org/daviderl31/OMWF/07-IllNeverTell.mp3">

Xander: . . . I could do an omelet.

ANYA:
This is the man that I plan to entangle
Isn't he fine?
My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle
Vengeance was mine!
But I'm out of the biz
The name I made, I'll trade for his
The only trouble is
I'll never tell.

XANDER:
She is the one
She's such wonderful fun
Such passion and grace.
Warm in the night when I'm right in her tight-
Embrace! Tight embrace!
I'll never let her go
The love we've known can only grow
There's just one thing that - no.
I'll never tell.   

BOTH:
'Cause there's nothing to tell.  

ANYA:
He snores.    

XANDER:
She wheezes.

ANYA:
Say 'housework' and he freezes.
XANDER:
She eats these skeezy cheeses that I can't describe.  

ANYA:
I talk, he breezes.

XANDER:
She doesn't know what please is.

ANYA:
His penis got diseases from a Chumash tribe!

BOTH:
The vibe gets kind of scary

XANDER:
Like she thinks I'm ordinary

ANYA:
Like it's all just temporary

XANDER:
Like her toes are kind of hairy

 BOTH:
But it's all very well
'Cause god knows, I'll never tell!  

ANYA:
When things get rough, he
Just hides behind his Buffy!
Now look, he's getting huffy
'Cause he knows that I know.

 XANDER
She clings
She's needy
She's also really greedy
She nev-

ANYA:
His eyes are beady!

 XANDER:
This is my verse, hello!
She-

ANYA:   Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!

[Xander joins the dance and they dance together around the apartment.]

 BOTH:
You know...

 XANDER:
You're quite the charmer.

 ANYA:
My knight in armor.

 XANDER:
You're the cutest of the Scoobies
With your lips as red as rubies
And your firm yet supple-
Tight embrace!  ANYA:
He's swell

 XANDER:
She's sweller

 ANYA:
He'll always be my feller

XANDER:
That's why I'll never tell her that I'm petrified.

ANYA:
I've read this tale
There's wedding, then betrayal
I know there'll come the day I'll want to run and hide.  

BOTH:
I lied
I said it's easy
I've tried
But there's these fears I've can't quell  

XANDER:
Is she looking for a pot of gold?

 ANYA:
Will I look good when I've gotten old?

XANDER:
Will our lives become too stressful if I'm never that successful?

 ANYA:
When I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?  

XANDER:
Am I crazy?

 ANYA:
Am I dreamin'?

 XANDER:
Am I marrying a demon?

 BOTH:
We could really raise the beam in making marriage a hell!
So, thank god, I'll never tell!
I swear that I'll never tell!  

XANDER:
My lips are sealed

 ANYA:
I take the Fifth

 XANDER:
Nothing to see
Move it along

 BOTH:
I'll never
Tell!  

[They both fall back onto the sofa, clutching each other
and laughing fake Hollywood-musical laughs.]

Back to the OMWF Page