| Goddess Trixie |
| This is part of another part of my truelife experiences. Some of you might not understand this, but such depths of pain many have experienced, including me. For when all hell breaks lose, life can just seem too much for us to handle. This is exactly what happened to me. When I lost that job in Candon as the restaurant manager (SEE I was delivered from prison), I felt so all alone and no one wanted to give me a chance. They looked at me as if it was fault rather that the people that caused it. I felt that I was no longer welcome in there town anymore. I liked the place but the people I thought were my friends turned their backs on me. There was only one thing to do, get out and move away from there. And that's exactly what I did. I went back to Baguio, a city in the mountains. And there, I tried to start my life over again. I was sixteen at the time and all alone. But in Baguio, I also had so much trouble in getting any job. Oh yes, there were lots if you didn’t mind being a hooker. But I refused to be one. My money was dwindling and it was barely enough for food or rent. But I kept thinking if I go out to these businesses every day and apply, I will get a job, I will be fine. But I had no luck. I felt so deserted. One night it was raining and cold and I was so hungry, and weak. I felt so alone as if everyone had deserted me. What could I do, but end my life, commit suicide. I went to the store and bought some rat poison, a whole can of it and took it home. Well I thought it was home, but it was just a run down boarding shack and I having a lonely room in it. I waited till everyone was asleep and then I took the can out and drank it down. I drank the whole thing. I don't know what happen after that, as I passed out. But found myself in a hospital bed. There lying down, with ropes tied around my hands and ankles, I woke up, wondering why they did this do me. And why I was there. Then it came back to me, the night before I tried to kill myself. I was so scared and alone. I saw nurses running around tending other patients but not me. They seemed like they were trying to stay away from me. Did I have the plague ? I cried the whole time. I didn’t know how I got there, and didn't dare ask. But one day there was a nurse who came to me and told me what happened. She said, it was a miracle that I survived, considering the amount of rat poison I took. They were very surprised that I made it through such an ordeal. They tried to talk to me but I was not about to say anything. All I wanted was to die and for them to leave me alone. And because I really didn’t want to talk, they let me alone, which I preferred anyhow. The next day, a doctor came to my bed and tried to ask me questions, but I wouldn’t speak, I wont give them any reason to put my into asylum if that is what they were thinking of. I heard the doctor talking to one nurse, asking how could this happen to such a little person who was so young? And why no one ever tried to help me ?. Then I overheard the nurse tell him that she knew someone that might need some one to help around the house. And that she might try to get me a job. I don't know what happened after that because they left. But the next day, the same nurse came back and told me that it was time for me to leave the hospital and she also told me that there was somebody waiting outside and ready to take me home. The night before that I asked the Lord why did I survive? For I made sure that I took enough poison to take me home for I was so very tired and alone. I thought I didn’t deserve to live here on Earth, But if there is any reason why he allowed me to live, I said His will shall be done. I said if there is any reason, He should tell me. But of course, I was thinking I was such a bad person that I didn’t deserve the mercy of the Lord. But I asked Him any way. I said if I have to go on living in this world, I have to have someone that at least I can love or someone to love me. When the time for me to leave the hospitals came, I went outside and there was this older woman waiting for me. She seemed very nice and pleasant but I won't say anything to her until she would tell me where she was taking me. There was a quiet moment in the car and she didn’t say a word which suited me too. I was very leery and scared. I don't know where she is taking me but I think half we through down the hill from the hospitals she told me that she is taking me home where her house and family live. She said that I might like it there. She said, she didn’t mind having me live with them. So there I stayed, and became their maid. All the time, I did not say a word till the youngest daughter was in trouble. Only then I spoke and I spoke with her in English. She was amazed that I can speak and in a foreign language too. She asked why I did what I did, and told me that it was a miracle that I survived. I was trying not to know what she was talking but she kept telling me. For apparently the doctor told her mother that I keep on praying even though not speaking to others. Apparently I kept saying, ‘the name of the Lord Jesus.’ She said that I was asking the Lord to take me home and that I didn’t belong here on Earth. But after a few weeks with this family, I began to feel that they truly cared for me. They treated me as a member of their family. I was put in charge of the house and over their youngest daughter. But inside me, I felt so empty and I didn't know how to cope with it. I cried most in the night, and worked all day. I did not get any salary but my food and place was taken care of. They thought everything was O.K. But after a few years with them, I left the place. I went back to Candon and there I tried to again get a job. I got one and this time it's at a restaurant with a Chinese owner. They worked everyone to death but I didn’t care. I needed to have a job and I got one. I tried to get a place for me but it will take so long to save enough money so I stayed where all the other workers were housed. After a few months, I met a guy. I thought I liked him and that he liked me. After a short time we got together and became lovers. I felt happy and I thought my loneliness would end and I had somebody. I would look after him and hopefully he would look after me, but it did not happen. When I found out I was pregnant, I told him. In return, he left me. He told me that he was not single and that he was married and had several kids already. I was twenty-one at this time. So I found myself again alone yet this time, I had even more problem than the before. Alone and pregnant in my country was consider what whores deserve, and no better. Oh. God I said, what shall I do. I was sick most of the time and my employer did not know I was pregnant. And so threatened me if I can’t work, I might as well get out. One day that I was so sick, I couldn’t get up, that they called the doctor. The doctor came and told me that I am pregnant, of course I knew this but I hadn’t told anyone. He said that he was going to tell my employer and see that people like me, do NOT deserve to be treated well. He said that I am just a whore and he can do exactly the thing to me if he wants too. And no one would believe me if I ever told anyone and he did. He raped me and after that he laughed at me and said good luck. He said that he won't tell my employer, but whatever they’re going to do to me, I deserved it. Yet before he left, he told me that I can take a bottle of aspirin and a whole bottle of coke and it will abort the baby. I didn’t know what to do and was so confused and hurt for this doctor, the rapist that just raped me, just left me. |
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| Attempted Suicide |