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| Joke Board |
| Dirty Joke One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own Dirt!" |
Chinese Proverbs Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not biteffingernails. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon findhim in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. |
Viruses you might catch THE CLINTON Virus...(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.) THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails your best friends about what it did). THE RONALD REAGAN virus...(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored) THE MIKE TYSON virus...(Quits after two bytes) THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200.) THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...(Deletes all old files) THE PROZAC virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care) THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks minor files) THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back) and last but not least............... THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows) |
Getting Older God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: 01. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 02. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 03. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 04. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 04. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 05. If all is not lost, where is it? 06. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 07. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the Bath room. 08. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 09. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. 10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter |
| Lord's Instructions to Adam After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by thehand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, " 'What is a 'caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned,smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'Headache'? |
| Laughter is good for the soul |