A newspaper reported yesterday that the claim made by the DBU chancellor, http://www.oocities.org/dbusnipe/subjective_truth/chancellor.htm, may not be entirely true. It seems that there is an entire cult of DBU chapel goers, demanding that volume increase. AMong their beliefs is the belief that Jesus is God come in the form of the volume of an electric guitar, so if anyone will be a CHristian, he must worship loud guitar sounds in worship, what's a good thing to call it, music? no, no, not music. SCreeches. No, how about howling? too ugly. Ugly screeches. Yes, that;s it, ugly screeches. They demand that the volume, intensity, and quantity of ugly screeches in chapel increase, and they also demand that the chancellor's ingeneious plan for chapel worship, http://www.oocities.org/dbusnipe/subjective_truth/gnostic.JPG, be implemented immediately. SInce they believe that all things guitar are good, they demand that we start leaving our bodies behind, and orshiping in pure guitar form.

Known as the Cult of the GLowing Heart, these people believe that we must be a pure spirit with purely guitar and drum music to please God. If we have anything close to any traditional forms of worship, such as creeds or, GOd forbid, anyone preaching that actually knows anything about the Bible, then God shall be sour displeased The Ministry of Orthodoxy encourages anyone uninvolved with this cult to study theology. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This cult demands that the volume of chapel guitars increase because it is supposed to make those who do so already stop thinking, but start feeling, due to the pleasing feel of theirdrummer's rythm. If you pick up a simple theological volume, and start to study, then you become immediately unreachable to this cult, so long as you think about it. "But that means that you lose your salvation!" Loftin exclaims. This cult can only be defeated by good, old-fashioned biblical knowledge. As for the man currently exhiled in Lower Lange, reports have it that a piece of the national skull society held him. It is reported that this society believes in speaking in jibberish, much like modern Pentecostals. Always had a niche for speaking in that foolish babble, them pentecostals. Anyway, while he was doing the jibberish thing, some of the other jibberites began shaking, and some spirit thing began to slay some of them. They all fell down, until he knew what was happening and ran into Lower Lange. He claims that he was supposed to paint the walls of the Suites girl dorms, because he was. The suites girl dorms are a secret part of the Spence You-Know-What that holds the emblem of the Secret Order of St. Henry Loftin. The girl dorm bit is used as an excuse to keep the tower doors safe while the society prepares the Mode of Secret travel (http://www.oocities.org/dbusnipe/subjective_truth/bubbles.jpg). The bubbles are quickly becoming a reality thanks to His Holiness, St. Mark Hale the Blessed.

Anyway, the spirit began to slay the jibberish-speakers until he knew what was happening, and ran into lower lange, where the thing deemed him unspiritual and locked him in the dungeon before returning to his master, St. T-D Jakes, the Greedy, the Holy, and the One Crowned with the Triple Millions of Lockesly, all moneys of the world be to him forever and ever! St. Jakes decided to bring another wallet to his church, to worship the Lord with its emptying. His Holiness St. Hale the Blessed kept the doors locked, so even though the student is trapped, his wallet is secure until the Spirit of T-D Jakes, the Greedy comes for it again, and it becomes slain in the spirit. In the meantime, the student is allowed to play his guitar in prayer to the Secret and Holy Emblem of Barth, and since I just mentioned that name, I am now due for my weekly devotional time. I'll see you in the Secret Tower of Spence State, I mean the You-Know-What.

--some stupid idiot