One of the professors of the College of Christian Faith has had a unique cross to bear this summer: the marks of the stigmata. Witnesses say nail marks first appeared in the professor's wrists as he was administering a final exam this May.

Dr. Mullen, Nurse Byrd, and Jim Dennison have been monitoring the situation closely. They say the professor is bearing his cross with grace and humility, but prefers his identity to remain anonymous to the general public.

On condition of anonymity, a low-ranking administration official told us, "We're very proud that one of our own religion professors has been chosen to be honored with the marks of the Christ. If this kills him, I only hope he remembered DBU in his will. HOLY CRAP, is that a tape recorder?"

What God is trying to tell DBU through the miracle is currently unknown. Glowing Heart's Board of Directors and CEO Henry Loftin are considering holding a special semester-long fast and chapel service to prepare our hearts for what is coming next. Meanwhile the administration denies that the prophet Bruce Wilkinson will be making an appearance in chapel this December to tell us which two-hundred DBU students need to stop praying about receiving the marks of the stigmata and just do it, along with the names and social security numbers of the HBU female undergraduates who are getting in the way of the HBU male undergraduates who should be receiving the marks of the stigmata.

-The Hamster