Lodge Officer Study Completed

The results of a major study to determine the characteristics of Lodge Officers, has just been published in the prestigious New England Journal of Masonry. The project took seven years and six months to complete and at a cost of twenty thousand baths of wine and fine oil. After seeing the results of the study, it was the opinion of most lodge members that the project could have been finished in twenty minutes and at a cost of $1.31. We have been given permission to print a summary of the results for your perusal and for you to compare the findings to your lodge’s officers:




MASTER

Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.

Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive.

Is faster than a speeding bullet.

Walks on water.

Discusses policy with God.

 



SENIOR WARDEN

Leaps short buildings with a single bound.

Is as powerful as a switch engine.

Is as fast as a speeding bullet.

Walks on water if the sea is calm.

Is occasionally addressed by God.

 

 

 

JUNIOR WARDEN

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.

Is faster than a "BB".

Swims well.

Talks with God if special request is approved.

 

 



SENIOR DEACON

Barely clears Quonset huts.

Loses Tug-of-War with a switch engine.

Can fire a speeding bullet.

Treads water exceptionally well.

Is occasionally addressed by the Archangel Michael.

 



JUNIOR DEACON

Leaves scratch marks half way up the sides of Quonset huts.

Thumbs his nose at one locomotive while almost being run over by another.

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.

Dog paddles.

Talks to animals.

 

 



TREASURER

Skips rope easily.

Stops Kiddy-Kars if pavement is dry.

Is issued a slingshot kit.

Talks to Secretary occasionally.

 

 



SECRETARY

Splits building asunder and walks between the two piles of rubble.

Kicks locomotives off the track.

Catches speeding bullets between his teeth and eats them.

Freezes water with a single glance.

He walks with God.

 

 

— From Ron Kline, a Pennsylvania past master,

printed in The North Carolina Mason, January/February, 1998.